Inspire me …

“Only those who will risk going to far can possibly find out how far one can go”

~T.S. Eliot

Still here … sort of.

I have not been this BUSY in years. I am not used to it and I’m exhausted and perhaps a little more stressed than I should be.

I’ve just finished a 2 week work placement at the local women’s hospital (soon to be the IVF capital of Europe apparently -yay). I will write about it when I get a chance, I promise. For now just let me say that it was a rollercoaster of emotions and I couldn’t really concentrate on anything else. My body is not used to going to work 9 to 5 Monday to Friday. I was aching all over for days. Midwives are some of the busiest people I have ever observed. At work, they power walk everywhere and never stop. No time for breaks, a snatched cup of tea if they are lucky and perhaps some chocolate left by grateful parents. A high work load, heaps of responsibility and pressure… and it can be emotional thrown into the bargain. And still I wasn’t put off. In fact I want to be one of them more than ever even though some of the midwives assure me this means I’m crazy. I loved my placement and really didn’t want it to end.

I’m working on the dreaded university application at the moment, too. Yeah, selling myself is not my strong point and competition for places on this course is soo tough (about 400 applicants for 16 or so places). I’m writing and re-writing  my supporting statement – you know the bit where I have to explain why I want to be a midwife and why on earth they should give ME a place… me. Me. Ohh pick me…  pleeease !  I cannot wait until this form is sent off and at the same time I want to make sure I get it right. It’s pressing on my mind a lot lately. There’s a lot riding on this application :S stress.

On top of all this, I’m going out of town for two weeks to take a very special trip… which I might be allowed to tell you about when I return but I need some permission first. I’m excited! I have a feeling I could be in for another emotional rollercoaster… and I’m excited! I’m not going to have any internet access while I’m away… sooo …this is a hello… goodbye post. See, I told you I was busy busy. I’ll be back, I promise. I’ll be catching up on my reading list too. I haven’t forgotten you. I’m thinking of you and wishing you the best.

Take care…

Ali xX

Inspire me …..

“I will study and get ready, and perhaps my chance will come.”

~ Abraham Linclon

Scareshow gave me the creeps.

I am an impulsive person.  I know this.  Sometimes I act first and think later. So, when a local farm was advertising for actors to take part in the scareshow and haunted hay rides that they run around Halloween it all came together in my head: I used to love acting…  then this panic stuff happened… but I’m over that now (yeah I was having a good day)… So I shot off an application, feeling triumphant. I never thought any more of it. I wasn’t expecting to hear anything and in all honesty I forgot about it.

Then I got this e-mail inviting me for an audition and my jaw just dropped (it was a few days later and I wasn’t feeling “so over” the panic thing). Instead, I was kicking myself for being so silly.  I mean I hadn’t even considered how I could actually get to this farm. That’s how much I wasn’t expecting to hear anything.  After umming and ahhing for a few days I decided that I would attend the audition “just to see”.  I mean, drama was my passion and I know for sure that a few years ago I would have bitten your hand off for any chance to dress up in a creepy costume and scare some kiddies… and adults too if I could get away with it.

I am clearly not that person anymore.  I did not enjoy the audition and its not because of the 2 hours it took me to get there (that’s 2 busses and a 15 min walk- see what I mean about not thinking things through?) It frustrates me that I just can’t connect with something that used to be my life. I always felt more comfortable in character than I did being myself:  slipping in and out of character and spending days in rehearsal was my idea of heaven. It felt so easy to me.  By that I don’t mean I was really good at it. Just that I was really comfortable. I truly enjoyed the challenge of trying to bring out each character that was handed to me.

I think I’ve grown wiser and perhaps owned up to the fact that i wasn’t as good at it as I imagined I was/wanted to be. Actually, I believe I got stuck in a rut when I found a type of character I was good at and inadvertently turned all my characters in the direction that made me more comfortable. I lacked variety. I believe I could have been better if I had realized what I was doing and made a conscious effort to stop, but that’s easy to say with the benefit of hindsight. not that this matters to any of you…  unless you happen to be  the drama teacher who I believe tried to tell me this on at least one occasion in which case I know I should have listened. I realized this sometime in the second year of my Drama degree and it took a loong time for me to stop kicking myself…. maybe one day I’ll write that story.

I was so out of place in that audition room. I’ve never tried to carry on improvising while my brain stopped working from awkwardness and nerves but I now know why some people hate acting and maybe have some clue what stage fright feels like. It’s gawd awful.

I didn’t give up I stayed through out the whole thing,  but I tell you the relief that I felt on leaving was about the same as hearing the bell for the end of the school day after being stuck in a double period of German  language I never could get my head around.

I wonder what happened to me. Am i still more affected by the anxiety issue hanging around in the background?  Is the realization of how young, clueless and slightly obnoxious I was making me cringe so much I can’t focus?  Or have I truly lost my passion for the theatre… am I just over it an feeling awkward as I would around a former lover?

I did get offered a part after this audition. I couldn’t take it for a number of reasons.  Turning down a part would have been unthinkable a few years ago… but I just felt relief… perhaps I’m running scared.

Hmm… I’m curious about this change in me… I don’t like it to much.

Ali xX

Time Warp !

Nooooo not the dance from the Rocky Horror Show … but really today I felt a little like I got stuck in a time warp and thrown back a few years.  I was at a University Open Day.  Nothing really unusual about that: I mean I am applying this year and I’d like to make some good choices. But as coincidence would have it, the university I attended 5 years ago (typing that=youch) actually has a midwifery course with a great reputation and it’s right on our doorstep. Yeah, me and KM didn’t move far. So, I found myself back on campus trying to focus on midwifery and not drunken… aherm… drama rehearsal flash backs. (Only a performance art student could have nightmares about carrots as a result of their degree- don’t ask). Actually the place has changed quite a bit since I was there.  Whereas it used to be a college affiliated with a university when I enrolled, its now a full fledged university in its own right and with that new buildings sprang up everywhere (about 2 years after I left… well, graduated I might add).  Suffice to say that I went to the midwifery talk but decided I could pass on the campus tour being given by this year’s newly arrived intake.

All in all, the day was a success.  The midwifery facilities and the lectures impressed me, and the college is once again on my application form. Here’s hoping they might want to take me back. I promise to drink less and go to class more… honest! Older and wiser I am.

I’m coping quite well really, despite feeling really old and rather silly back at uni. I swear these people look younger than I was! And then, just as I turned a corner and KM and I were about to have a very unusual soppy moment… a la “awww this is where we met”… our jaws dropped instead and the song “… they paved paradise and put up a parking lot…” was suddenly playing in my head. Yeah, they knocked down the building where we first said hello… the cheek of it! In all honesty that building was… was much closer to a deprived area in desperate need of redevelopment than paradise BUT still …  the memories… this “parking lot” is where we met. Where I won my 6 month long fight to finally get a National Insurance number (another looong story). Where I first found out that despite all my efforts to sabotage myself, I actually was going to graduate…and now its gone. Sigh. Makes me feel old.

Mmhum so we had to take a picture of the  gap in the landscape. Sad, I know, but there ya go.  I’m a silly sentimental sod at times.

Ali xX

And then there were three.

Remember back in this post… I talked about the possibility of a kitten joining our household? Benjamin moved in yesterday and so far seems to have settled just fine, despite a small amount of family drama. I am getting used to having the little guy around.  Boy, this kitten is sociable. He spends most of the time sleeping next to me, or sitting on my lap asking for attention. That’s when he’s not pushing a stray Hershey’s kiss around the room or staring at his refection in my makeup mirror.  He also has such a loud purrr  that never stops!

Say hello to Benji ..

Ain’t he cute?

Ali xX

Can I have a word…About the (uncussesful) Chicago 2016 bid.

I’m just gonna come out and say this: I wanted Chicago to win the 2016 Olympic bid so badly.  Yes, I cared even more about this than when London was in the running for the 2012 games and seen as it has been my hope that the games would come somewhere near me since I was small I can tell you that I wanted London to win its contest a whole lot. Last time I got lucky and the victory tasted sweet. This year, not so lucky. Chicago came last of the four possible cities in the contest for this great honor and quite frankly I, like many people, was SHOCKED… and so very disappointed. LAST?

Chicago is (allow me to sneak in the expected Frank Sinatra reference here) my kind of town. It pains me to say this given my baseball loyalties, but I even prefer it to New York. I often like to joke that Chicago is like New York except chilled out a bit and with a larger dose of fun.  I believe, mostly because of its size, New York like London can be a little impersonal and overwhelming. I LOVE it, but I find it kinda hard to relax. I doubt I would ever want to live in Manhattan. After a few days I’d be so ready to get out of there and recover from what feels like sensory overload from the city that never stops.

Chicago is not like that. I love the vibe when I visited 2 years ago now I found the people so welcoming and friendly. They took the time to look me in the eyes and ask me where I came from how I liked their city and even threw in a few “thanks for coming out to see us.”  Overall, I got such a sense of hospitality. Now, you might or might not know that Gadget Guy is from there so I will admit this whole feeling welcomed and at home may have had a lot to do with having friends over there to show me around as opposed to having to go in on my own tourist style. I still believe the town has something special and the people here are FUN and have a great sense of humor, although the insane bias of the place towards the Chicago Cubs has me a little puzzled… like guys, there’s a second team here ya know.  Those White Sox ain’t too bad. I mean, they have actually won it all THIS CENTURY… but anyways I digress. The architectural history of this lakeside city gives it a truly jaw dropping skyline, not to mention the flowers, trees and general greenness  squeezed into every space it seems at times. Do you know they have a beach here too… with palm trees? I’ve seen it!  The place looks GOOD and if you don’t believe me, take a car down Lake Shore Drive. You’ll see.

So why do I care?   Like I said, I love the city. In fact I’ve spent most of the two years since I got back trying to figure out when I can go again and rather sad I never went sooner. It’s safe to say that internationally this gem is somewhat overlooked. It doesn’t have the same destination status of New York, L..A. or even Florida. I truly believe this is a mistake and that the city is capable of hosting a fantastic games which would put Chicago and all its charm firmly on the tourist map for years to come, not to mention if the Games showed up in the Windy City I would move heaven and earth to be there and soak up that atmosphere.

I’ve heard a lot of theories as to why the result was so shocking, why Chicago got ditched in the first round. Of course we will never know, but it may have been some flaw in the bid, some concerns about money, people love to blame whether it be Chicagoans blaming Mayor Daley or Republicans clamoring from the rooftops that this yet an other Obama disaster. Whatever. Sometimes it’s nobody’s fault. Maybe Rio really did have a stronger case and you have to admit that the Olympics going to South America for the first time is pretty cool.

I’m disappointed with another issue and these are the stories that were emerging from the city that public opinion was so against the games that people were actually burning Chicago flags. Seriously. I don’t understand these anti-Olympic feelings. Yes, I get that the games cost money LOTS of money, but I don’t buy the argument that this is just not the “right” time.  I suspect that actually hosting the games is kind of like having a child: there never is a “right” time. You do it because you want to and you make it work.  Yes, we’re in a financial downturn, sure, but 2016 is 7 years away. 7 years. A lot can happen in that time, so Chi-town you’ll get no sympathy from this British girl  given that London won the games BEFORE this financial implosion and we have 3 years now to figure something out. Do you hear us bitching or throwing the toys out the pram and refusing because we suddenly think this REALLY ISN’T the right time for us? NO. Because hosting the games is an honor.  It’s a privilege to welcome champions and citizens for all over the world to your home, to be a part of the Olympic  legacy of  hope, peace  and healthy competition  is a once in a life time chance.   It’s pretty darn special.

Yeah, I know traffic will be HELL. I know the crowds will be a major disruption to your lives and probably would make living downtown kinda crap for anyone who can’t afford to take time out from daily life just because the Olympics roll into town… BUT it’s not forever.  It’s 2 weeks. 14 DAYS. Suck it up already.

I worry that the international reputation of the town has only suffered because of this “not in my backyard” attitude and I can’t help feeling this type of thinking is a little short sighted. To be quite honest, it’s not what I expected form the people of the Midwest who made me feel so welcomed.  You kind of came off grumpy and unsupportive and at the end of the day, much though it saddens me, perhaps a town where this disapproving voice is so loud, doesn’t deserve the games. How sad.

Congratulations Rio. See you in 2016!!

Ali xX

Finding Answers

I chose flat broke for a year, thanks to my college agreeing to a payment plan so I can break this huge bill down. I believe that with a little luck I will just be able to cope. Hopefully, somewhere along the way, I can transition from benefits to working anyways. So, for the moment, I am still in college, Yaaay!! In a way, perhaps it’s a good thing. It’s made me think about how much I want to do this and given me even more motivation to make this year count, after basically devoting all my spare income to this college course. I have to carry on to make sure that I give getting into university my best shot and be prepared to try again next year if needs be. So, this week my head has been full of the workings of microscopes and cell biology and a lot of long words to commit to memory. Here’s hoping there are no more financial bumps along the way.

I also managed to find a second lecturer to provide the missing reference that I need so hopefully that problem is also on the way to being solved. I’ve been given an amazing opportunity to spend two weeks undertaking work, shadowing in the maternity section of the hospital. I’ll be doing 9-5 Monday to Friday and it all starts NEXT WEEK!  I’m soo thrilled I’ll finally have some experience for that application. I’m so excited and honored that I’ll get a snapshot of my chosen profession. I want to try an learn as much as I can just through observation and reflection and I believe the experience will mean I can make a more informed final choice about weather midwifery is definitely for me. SOOO EXCITED!! … and also … nervous as hell. This will be my first working week in 3 years – longer days than I am used to. I want to make a good impression. I don’t want to get in the way, make a fool of myself, fall on my face… and in all honestly I’m a little terrified that I might have a panic attack and make a complete mess of things, but I’m trying to ignore that voice that’s telling me I can’t do this and carry on. After all, this placement is part of the plan.

I finally went to the doctor about my blood pressure. Yes, I know I left it longer than I should but I have to psyche myself up to going to see the doctor. Those around me had been nagging for a few weeks so I finally committed to going. BP is still higher than it should be, although the reading is coming down from where it was when I was first told to go. My reading was 140/80. Yeah, see, I ask for the numbers now. Conclusion: I should go back and have the nurse check it twice in the next month so my doctor can get a better picture of what’s going on. I also have a strained ligament in my right elbow that’s been bothering me for a few weeks. It’s not pain, it just doesn’t feel right. Dr informs me it may take a further 4 weeks (maybe a lil more) to get better.  Blech.

Dealing with problems… resisting the urge to run away… not giving up… finding solutions and answers… that was what this whole plan was about right??

Ali xX

So .. THIS is football ?

Yankees Win!!!  Baseball is totally my sport and the day that my team clinches the AL East Division Championship, I am one happy lady. Bring on October baseball I can not wait!

But I have a confession to make: as Mariano Rivera was inducing the final out that lead to a series win – a sweep over the Red Sox and a division title – I wasn’t even watching because I was far too busy trying to wrap my head around quarters, downs, penalties, field goals and wide receivers… whatever they are. Yes I am trying to understand the game you guys across the pound call football.  So, as my baseball boys were pouring champagne,  I was watching the NFL battle between the Chicago Bears and a team from Seattle that I believe are called the Seahawks.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I just enjoy listening to American commentary on sport.  I don’t know if is the accents, the enthusiasm or what, but I’m entertained even when I have in all honesty no clue whatsoever whats happening and if is good or bad for the team I’ve randomly decided to root for. Today, that was the Bears because, well, I’ve seen Soldier Field, bizarre building that it is. I’ve been in a car watching the vast numbers of people making their way to a preseason game in the rain. And, well, honestly… it came down to the fact that I prefer the orange and white of those Bears to the team who’s alternate jersey was so bright lime green that I was reaching for my shades. No no no… I am not disrespecting the Seahawks. OK before you go and get all mad at me internets, remember I have NO knowledge of this game, its rules or the teams. It’s not like I have allegiances. I just find sport holds my attention more if I can find a way to care about the outcome of the game, ok? That being said, my initial reasons to root for the Yankees were equally … random… so you never know.

Let’s talk about color for a second. NFL football is so colorful and apparently they actually wax those helmets to get them so shinny, you know! The game looks great. the crowd looks great. People really go all out for this sport. So much fanfare, passion and pageantry; it’s thrilling.  This over the top fun may be a reason for some Brits to be put off and I have to admit to finding the whole thing bordering on silly, but it draws me in because it’s utterly American and looks like one hell of a party. Did I mention the NOISE? Those crowds are bigger, louder than anything I’ve ever seen.  It’s mind blowing.

So, some observations:

This game will be a lot more enthralling once I actually can remember/understand the rules and follow the play, but I really enjoyed it and that makes me want to learn more.

These guys are HUGE. No, I mean HAAYOGE. Check out those guns, ladies. Yeah they kind of scare me a lil bit.

Anyone… aherm KM… who thinks that this game is just a pussy’s version of rugby… HAVE you seen it? It’s brutal. More than once I was all OOO OUCH… AIIIII … OW OW OWWW and hiding behind my hands while watching these gargantuan men take each other to the deck by any means necessary. Brutal, I tell you. BRUTAL.

There isn’t really a game over here in the UK that has this type of format with separate offense and defense sides of one team. It’s so strategic, it really is like a general and his troops fighting a battle. But I find that the game has a lot of stoppage time.  It kind of disrupts the flow of the things. I could see why this would irritate especially since I don’t yet understand the need for all this stopping and whistle blowing.

I never knew before how much I could enjoy watching guys slam/smash into each other HARD. RAAAWR … mmhumm turns me on a little bit and THAT is why I may have been hiding my face but I was always peeking through my fingers

There appears to be less scratching, spitting, rearranging the furniture on camera with this game, but the gap is clearly filled by all the shots of football player asses in tight lycra. I seem to spend a lot of time looking at guy’s backsides whether I want to or not. Is this normal?

Gotta say a thank you here to Gadget Guy.  He was incredibly understanding, answering all the bazzillions of questions during the game. I know nothing and I want to know EVERYTHING and I understand how irritating it is when you’re trying to watch a game, to have this nagging female voice in your ear who just doesn’t get it. He’s a patient man.

The Bears won.  25-19 YAY!

… There’s a game next week right!???

Ali xX

Road block.

Usually I love to receive post letters, parcels, postcards… and today I thought I was doubly lucky. The two items that KM woke me up with this morning looked nothing like bills, so I ripped open the envelops with a little to much gusto and overflow of curiosity… and that’s when I knew today was one of those days.  Uuugh bite me Saturday. I mean, I expect this kind of behavior out of Monday but on a weekend for real?

I will receive no financial help with my tuition fees for college despite being on a very low income because I already hold a higher qualification (BA in Drama and English and clearly not going to help me chase this midwifery dream).  There is nothing they can do for me. So what were a few hundered pounds that I was struggling to find is now a full wack bill for around a grand and I am – to put it politely – screwed.

There is no way I can find that type of money before the enrollment deadline in mid October. No way. I need to call on Monday and find out how much exactly I owe. I need to figure out if there are any payment by installment options. The thing I dread most of all: I may have to go cap in hand to my mother and ask for help, which at 27 is embarrassing and makes me feel pretty worthless and I do believe I would feel that way even if I was close to her which I’m not. I don’t hold out much hope that the humiliation will keep me in college but at this point I’m grasping at straws anyway so what the hell. Keep your fingers crossed for me.  By the end of the week I’ll either be out of college or utterly flat broke for the rest of the year :S

And then we come to the second item: a letter from the Women’s Hospital where I am trying to volunteer to say that they have not received the required references yet they were requested back on the 19 of August and I have already chased both of them more than once. I have till the 16th to get the references back or the hospital will close my application to volunteer. So, of course, I got right on the phone to find out exactly what was needed from me  only to realize after leaving an answer phone message that today is Saturday and the office is closed.. Cue me feeling stupid.

Volunteering is an entry requirement for my university choices and without it… well I may as well give up on finding those fees.  There’s a good chance I’ll be financially crippled for a year only to fail to gain a place. I have got to make my application as strong as I can.  It’s so incredibly frustrating that I have done everything required of me and it looks like I’m going to fall at the last hurdle. It’s go big or go home time for me.

I feel like things have fallen apart today, my hands are tied till Monday …

Can you say Stress!?

Ali xX