The revelation.

Annnd finally we come to it the reason I’ve been digging up all these stories, giving you all this background information in the hopes that when I tell you what I have to say you won’t immediately back away alarm bells ringing, grab your cell phone and call the men in white coats to take me away while at the same time screaming YOU’RE LOSING YOUR MIND ALI … THATS CRAZY!!  Your eyes so wide in shock that I might as well have told you I used to be a man or some other such secret worthy of a roll on the floor with one of Jerry Springer’s oh so yummy bouncers…. mmm baby!

You see, internet, I’ve been keeping a secret and, well, actually for a long while I myself thought I was totally insane and was trying very hard to push it away hoping that eventually this thought would forget about me and move on…. but it did not and now  I just can’t keep the secret ANYMORE. It’s killing me. I have got to tell you. Whoo boy I am so scared.

I want to be a midwife! There, I said it. Crazy isn’t it? Here’s me, an infertile recovering from abuse, piecing myself back together and I’m telling you that I want to surround myself with that one thing  I can’t reach. Yes, sometimes I agree with you. I think I may very well be insane and setting myself up for future heart ache.  Certainly, it’s true that working in this field will only bring me face to face with what my body can’t do. I’ll be opening the door of motherhood for others while knowing that I can’t walk through. Sometimes that’s going to break my heart.

And yet I can’t let the thought go. I truly want to do this.  I feel a need to. The way I think of it, I have this thing wrong with me.  It’s going to hurt whatever I do.  I can’t run away from it.  There’s no hiding place, so I may as well turn and face it.  Yes sometimes being a midwife will only show me all the things that are wrong with my body, but at the same time I’d have the opportunity to learn all about this thing I’ve been so curious about for years. I could get some of my questions answered and I could spend my career making sure that those who are able to do that “knocked up” thing can have the most positive experience possible. I truly think I could make a good advocate for a mum to be and the baby she carries. I believe I can be objective and not allow my own situation to cloud my judgment. Knowing that I could make a difference to women/couples/families at this exciting time of their lives makes me so excited.  I’d feel privileged and proud of myself and I do believe it would bring me buckets of joy, as if this choice would break my heart and somehow hold all the pieces together.

Any woman could train as a midwife and discover she’s infertile after the fact. At least I know where I am up front. I know its not always going to be easy. Maybe sometimes the hard thing is the right thing?

I have vaguely thought about this career path before in my life, back when I was in high school -  right after I had made subject choices that excluded any science subject, so I just dismissed the thought and moved on. Well not I guess. I’ve had more time to get to know the NHS – more reasons to take an interest in women’s health – and I figure I’m starting from nothing. I don’t have a career I can go back to. I’m not tied to one place in terms of where I’m living.  I don’t have family commitments. Seen as I’m starting this rebuild basically from scratch, I have a perfect opportunity to change direction… and hay I might as well aim high.

I’m aiming to train as a midwife.

Pheww… feels good to have said it. Almost the same relief I felt when I told some of my RL friends about the fertility thing. I came out of the infertility closet for them and now I’m coming out of the midwifery closet here…

I guess this kind of puts me in an odd place. An infertile who’s blog might be riddled with pregnancy stories, pregnancy discussion, or whatever. I’m not exactly sure yet. Please know that I don’t mean to upset anybody. I totally understand if you don’t want to read, but this is my space and I really just want to be able to talk about all parts of my life  as an infertile wanna-be midwife ..

Are you making that call yet? Do I hear yelling??   I’m telling you right now I shall point blank REFUSE any invites from Jerry… unless he’s gonna pay for vacation time in Chicago

Ali xX

Easter quest a sucess ?

Happy Easter everyone!  I do hope the Easter Bunny was good to you.  I myself spent the day chilling at home eating way to many pastel colored Easter M&M’s. It still amazes and delights me that you can get these little things in every color you can think of annnd dark chocolate too… yummmy!

Of course this also means the Lenten fast is over. I think I’m going to award myself a success in the quest to quit quitting. I was thinking about this today. Not much has really changed on the face of things. I’m still an unemployed person at home all day doing not too much BUT I do think a I have succeeded in my attempts to be more positive.  For one thing, I’ve written a post almost everyday rather than being all gung ho for the first few weeks then giving up and you never hear from me again.  If I look back at the plan I wrote I can see real areas of change relating to back to it.

I have now registered with the correct doctor and restarted treatment for my PCOS. I’m not perusing the healthy living clinic too, despite my reservations and even though I don’t have a perfect track record with taking my medication (still having issues with eating meals and no meals means no meds). I have only missed two doses which is much much much better than my previous record. I’m much more organized with my pills too, dosing out the medication for the week ahead of time and therefore being aware of when I’m about to run out before I actually do is a novel idea to me.

I’m also going to tell you that as of this time I’m not taking any anti depressant medication at all. I’m not sure how this will work out yet.  On the one hand I’m pleased not to be taking it, but I’m aware that I still do have mood dips and days where the dark oppressive cloud that is depression still likes to hang around and try to make me a useless mess. Coming off the anti depressants hasn’t hit me as hard as I thought it would I’m thrilled to report. Right now I don’t feel the need to take them but I still need to keep a very close eye on my mood.  I’m only taking my very first steps without. Evening primrose oil has been a Godsend.  I really believe that while my mood swings are still definitely around. They are not hitting with the same severity of past days and since I started this one capsule a day regime my period pains have all but gone.  I can’t recommend giving this a try enough!

On the job front: progress has been made, too.  No employment as of yet sadly, but I’m not working with my job broker. I actually have put together a decent CV. Aannd I have a few applications in the pipelines. I’ve booked myself on a confidence building course which should help me too.

I have a long term goal: I really want to go back to college now.  Honestly I have a five year plan of where I’m trying to head towards. This feels GREAT for me. I’m passed the time of not being able to see my own future and not giving a shit. Even though I haven’t been able to get the application in yet (uh huh the institution’s web page has been down all weekend.  That’s technology for you.) I will be doing this as soon as I can and I even have a back up plan B.  You could almost mistake me for an organized person … naw not quite.

I’ve started volunteer work and hope to have more set up soon.

These are all the reasons I say success at giving up giving up but lent is over so I wouldn’t have to feel guilty for going back to my old ways now and that’s just what I’m going to do.

WRONG! No way. I like this me a lot better.  I feel a bit better about myself and even though I still have bad days, they are getting less in number and that’s oh so great!  And and and… I haven’t had an actual panic attack in weeks  YAAY !

Here are the things I’m still scoring a “could to do better” on…

Keeping in touch with friends! There’s room for a lot of improvement here.

Relaxation and managing stress… aherm… yah I still totally SUCK at this.

Diet and exercise… more to come about this soon, but its time I got into an actual exercise routine.  Oh and yeah I’m ashamed to say that the beginners’ yoga DVD is still in its wrapping.  Ali FAIL.

I’m giving myself a pat on the back well done but also a stern more work to be done here, girl… KEEP MOVING!

Ali xX

Upping the ante.

Exhausted… totally and utterly wiped out.  That’s how I feel but it was so worth it. I took a step I never would have even contemplated 2 or 3 months ago. I went to a university open day.  Mmhum… I want to go back to school. Don’t we all wish we could wind back the clock sometimes?

The problem is the subject I want to study is HARD… beyond HARD.  It’s complicated both academically and emotionally. There is no room for error. Competition for this course is fierce. To give you an idea this institution had over 600 applicants for just 22 places last year. In fact I should be so intimidated right now that I just throw in the towel and walk away. Really. But oddly I am not.  I truly believe I could do this. In fact I think I could be good at it.  Now all I have to do is convince everybody else.  This is a total change of attitude for me and while it feels a little arrogant perhaps even cocky.  It’s refreshing to find that not all my determination and self belief has disappeared.

Throughout my life I have always done best in the underdog position. I get at my most stubborn, persistent and determined when the consensus is that I can’t do something. Yeah really don’t tell me I can’t when I REALLY want too because I will get bust a gut to prove you wrong or kill myself trying.  I feel like I may have a new project and I only hope this attitude will stay around for the LONG HAUL…

And I do mean long.  I’m looking at applying for the course scheduled to begin September 2010. If I’m successful I’ll be facing 3 years (probably the toughest 3 years of my life thus far) study and finally qualify in summer 2013 age 31 … 31 OMG by the time I get done I’ll be over THIRTY !!!  Now I feel like crying – just kidding.

I have got to keep Faith in the IDEA what if you want something badly enough to work your ass off and give it your all… you can achieve. And even if I fail at least I will have given it my best shot. Rejection is painful but always better to regret something you did than something you wish you had done. That being said, I need to go into serious training.

Before I can even apply to this course I have to successfully be admitted to an access course and complete passing with flying colors over the next year. So I need to get moving on finding the best location for the course and submitting the all important application. I’ll be studying health which involves science and maths… which is about as far away from my previous BA degree as you can get. Mmhumm. Other end of the spectrum. Last time I studied maths and science I was 15. I don’t even OWN a calculator anymore.

On top of this study I need the volunteering experience to support my application. So not only do I need to follow through on what I have already set up,  if anything I need to look for MORE..

AND… ANNND… I’m still looking for some work that will slot in somewhere here too. It’s a long term plan as the title of the post suggests.  Just like the other one I’ll be taking it one step at a time, but I not only need to get my confidence back  to succeed at this I  need to be totally driven and sell myself .. I HAVE ALOT TO WORK ON.

Right now I feel kind of like a ball player who somehow got offered an at bat in the majors. Trouble is, I’m still playing Triple A. Seriously need to up my game and get some balls! Fuck.. I hope I want it badly enough…

Either way, its good to have a long term goal… something to focus on… something to drive for even if it does feel slightly out of reach… right? RIGHT? Wish me luck I’m gonna need it.

And before you ask … I’m not telling what this course I’m aiming for is right now… sort of a self preservation thing. Firstly to save embarrassment just in case I fall flat on my face and have to sidle off to deal with the bruises, and secondly because I’m really not ready for a chorus of “that’s insane you’re crazy” just yet.

Ali xX

K.S.: Blue skies and sunshine all day long … let’s hope that’s a good omen

It can’t be … OMG it is…

 

A PLAN!!

 

Things I need to do. What I have to change to go from being the mess I am now to the person I used to be – even the person I want to become. Its not gonna be earth shattering.  We’re thinking small baby steps here. Got it? Of course part of the plan is to add more steps as we progress, but you shouldn’t try to run before you can walk – you end up flat on your face and giving up again. So, here goes…

 Roughly speaking the plan can be broken into two main areas: I’m labeling these “Get a Grip” and “Get a Life”.  “Get a Grip” will be reserved for all the things I have to do – you know the things I should have been doing this whole flipping time.  Dare I say maybe this is the stuff that landed me here, mostly to do with the health situation? whereas “Get a Life” will be reserved for the things I want to do – goals I want to achieve, hobbies I’d like to pursue – generally rebuilding my life. Re-injecting the FUN.

“Get a Grip”

• First and most important, I must ask for help. I don’t understand a lot of this health stuff and I need to. This means actually finish registering with the correct GP.  No more traveling an hour to get to the old surgery because I end up not going. I will write a list of all the issues I need to bring up before I go and I must make sure that they are talked about or further appointments are arranged to deal with my concerns.  I will not feel bad for taking up the doctors’ time anymore.  That’s what they are paid for and I deserve attention just like anyone else who is worried sick about their health (or just sick of course!)  
• Second, I will commit to my medication.  This means that I will not be ashamed to take anti depressant medication when I need it. I will ask about resuming drug treatment for PCOS. I will actually take my multi vitamin every day and will try adding evening primrose oil hopefully to fight the curse of mood swings. But wait – there’s more… I am going to find out about each drug I’m taking – read about it and make informed choices. I’m fed up of popping pills because someone tells me to. It’s not that I don’t trust doctors but I should know what’s going into my body and why!         
• Third, I will take responsibility for my diet. Yup, cutting the junk food, adding more veg, cooking for myself more – all these good things.  I will ask for a referral to a dietician and read up on controlling PCOS and depression/anxiety through diet making changes accordingly
•  Fourth, fitness. Yes, this means the dreaded “E” word: exercise. I’m going to make an effort to find types of exercises that I enjoy and stick to them. I say make an effort, because I’m trying to be realistic and the “E” thing… that’s a big ask for me but I will try
• Fifth, weight. I want / need / must lose some.  Hopefully 3 & 4 will help with that, but I must try to be realistic with PCOS. It will be tough and I may not see many results. I will try not to get disheartened, focusing instead on being a healthier person. I will state right now that I would only be open to weight loss surgery if and only if it was with a view to some type of fertility treatment and even then as a last resort.    
• Lastly, (warning guys this may be TMI) I will keep a proper record of my moods, any symptoms, and any bleeding / periods  by writing them down… somewhere… so that I can try to establish if there are any patterns or similarities . I’ve been talking about this for ages with a friend (well really he’s been nagging me… and he’s right).  I will actually set up a health journal.

“Get a Life”

•  First, I will force myself to get better at keeping in touch with my friends – by calling, emailing, even – shock horror – visiting as finances permit and I will l try to be more open with them about what’s actually going on (wish me luck with this)
• Second, I will look for a job. I want one – to help with 1 but also because I’m so sick of being out of work and claiming benefit.  I know that times are hard and that I’ve been out of work for 2 years so it will be hard, but I will keep looking.  at the same time, though, I will not take just any job at risk of making myself  ill again trying to avoid one step forward two steps back . I will take small steps, so part time work would probably be better right now
• Third, I will do more things that I enjoy: taking up my cross stitch again, reading a book each month for pleasure, trying to see a movie at least once a month… maybe even going to the theatre (again money allowing ). I will learn to cook more because I do enjoy it.  I may even try to find a theatre group to become involved in… maybe .
• Fourth, I will go out everyday, even if it’s just for a short walk.  I will try to pay more attention to the world around me and I will not give up. I will beat the panic attacks for they are “STOOPID”, ANNOYING AND WRONG 
• Fifth, I will NOT give up on my dream. Ok, the kids thing is kind of out of my hands (rooting for science and technology though ) Plan B: I’ve always wanted to travel around America and write a book about it. Well, really I’d give my right arm to move there. I can’t see a way for that to happen at the moment, but I won’t give up. In the mean time, I will find out all I can about this country that I love – its culture, history, politics and people – with a particular interest in baseball of course. I will take-on as many fact finding missions to this place of wonder as I can (afford)  
• Finally, I will teach myself to take better pictures because they hold memories.  

*breathes * 

TA daaa… there it is… my Master Plan. Feel free to comment but be gentle. If you can’t be nice be aware that I am free to ignore you

Disclaimer

This is a process ok I will not change overnight. I’m only human. I can’t promise that I will stick to all of it all of the time, but I will try my best and I will not give up!

 

 Ali xX