Ghosts.

“…speak no more:
Thou turn’st mine eyes into my very soul;
And there I see such black and grained spots
As will not leave their tinct.”
Hamlet
Queen Gertrude
Act 3 Scene 4.

My goal of 2010 with no panic attacks crashed and burned today. I’m terrified. I don’t want to leave the house. I’m so close to throwing everything away. Why? Because I’m full of back emotional holes that are eating me alive. I’d give anything for it to stop. I wish I could just stop. No, I’m not saying I’m about to take a dive off a railroad bridge or anything… but sometimes I wish I could just… pause… feel peace… stop fighting the bad guys… the demons inside my own head. Do I know why this is happening to me? Sure, but I don’t know how to beat it, and some days I don’t think I’m worth a fight.

I wish I could just block it out… a bar… and a few bottles of vodka are starting to look really frikking good. The rational part of me knows I only crave vodi when my head is spinning and I’m screwed up about something. I can’t start down that road not even one step. I’m scared of myself.

I spent the day trying to push this urge away, drown it out. Hell I almost begged Gadget Guy to stay at his machine and call me, frightened to even let him leave to grab some breakfast for goodness sake. I shook, my heart racing, my head just hurting, fighting the urge to throw up… fighting the urge to stop talking, stop telling someone about the things inside my head and just leave. Finally, I feel asleep. Thank you God. I woke up three or so hours later feeling physically well, turned to my usual chick flick Bewitched style TV; something cheerful and fun that I don’t have to think about to much. Don’t need to focus to understand. I watched a few episodes of Glee. Now I can’t tell you if I love this show or hate it. I can’t make my mind up, but I do know as a distraction it worked well. I might have to add the DVD’s to the Bewitched shelf of shame reserved for just these occasions.

I want to hold on so badly: to the future I’m trying to build, to the belief I’m a better than this. I’m worth more but it would be so easy to just let go. Dear God… somebody… hold me and don’t let me go…

I know I sound like a melodramatic basket case with a bad case of the emo. I’ll explain… I’ll try. I want to talk. Tonight I just don’t have the time or mental faculties for a long and complicated story that I don’t really understand….

I’m sorry.

Ali

July IComLeavWe

It’s that time again  July IComLeavWe is here! A very warm welcome to you if that’s how you came to be here. This is the first time I’ve written a little intro for the occasion and to be honest I’m pretty nervous. Let me get the thing that’s worrying me out of the way first. I’m an infertile wanna be midwife. I write about all parts of my life on my blog so sometimes you’ll find me ranting about the pain and injustice of infertility because, let’s face it, this thing is a bitch… but then in other posts I’ll be talking about my feelings and my journey  as I chase my dream to become a registered midwife in the UK. I say this upfront because I absolutely do not want anything I write about here to cause you distress, so if you are feeling fragile or just not in the mood  please go ahead and bypass my ramblings. I will not take offense, I promise. Please know that you take with you my very best wishes in hopes that your dreams come true.

I have PCOS (DX Summer 2006) and some other medical history including a heart problem which basically means the chances of me conceiving and then safely carrying a baby to term are… well, ridiculously small. At the time that all this came to light, I struggling to recover from an abusive relationship with my father as a result of which, amongst other things, means that relations between me and my mum are very strained at best. By the end of 2006 I had lost my job, seen a relationship break down, moved house and was suffering anxiety and severe depression. I’m not proud of it, but things just all fell apart. Fast forward to now and you join me as I’m trying to put the pieces all back together. I haven’t had a panic attack in months (fingers crossed).  I’m returning to college in September. I’m looking for work (me and a million other people).  I’m in a relationship with a guy who’s been my close friend for nearly 8 years. At 27 he just graduated college and wants us to be married by this time next year. While we are not TTC at the moment I really struggle with commitment because of my past and my infertility.

Welcome to my journey…

Oh I should introduce the guy in the background.  We refer to him as Gadget Guy. He’s a very good friend I met online.  He currently lives in Chicago with Mrs. Gadget Guy and their oh so cute bunny Chip and he looooves gadgets (the clues in the name). (Editor: Hello… Gadget Guy here… <waves>!) I tell you about him because, well, I’m dyslexic and he’s my editor/human spell checker.  If you want to read about it the info is here.

My master plan is here

If you think I’m crazy for wanting to be a midwife, you should read these posts.

A few people have written their A-Z for an intro over the last couple of months. Such a cute idea, I had to give it a go:

A: America – My Favorite place to Travel /explore/learn about/the place I would live if given the choice.

B: Baseball – My sport. The only one I really follow

C: Cooking – something I wish I was better at

D:  Dyslexic- Yes I am.

E: Exercise – also referred to as the “E” thing. Something I need to do more of.

F: French – The only other language I can speak.

G: Gadget Guy- My good friend from Chicago also my human spell checker

H: Home – something I’m looking for.

I: Infertility – the main cause of my depression / frustration… perhaps anger.

J: Job Seeking – uugh it sucks

K: Kayak Man – My significant other

L: Liverpool – the nearest big city to me

M: Midwife – something I hope to become.

N: Needle Work – something I wish I had more time for

O: Ocean – something very beautiful to me.

P: PCOS – something I struggle with

Q: Questions – I often have them and I nearly always answer them when I’m asked.

R: Reading – something I will be doing a lot more of over the next few years.

S: Scottish – my actual nationality

T: Theatre – my forgotten passion. How I miss it

U: University – The journey I hope to start, that Kayak Man just finished

V: Volunteer- something I do for the Red Cross and local hospital.

W: Wedding – the most stressful word in my life at the moment.

X= Kisses! – I know I cheated but how can you not love them the chocolate kind and the real ones.

Y: Yankees – My team  see B

Z: Zamboni – possibly my most favorite word it always makes me chuckle

So there we have it Ali from A- Z … Happy IComLeavWe.

Ali xX

Feeling his age.

Ever since our babysitting trip on Friday, something is not quite right with my Kayak Man. He seems sullen and really a bit depressed. In fact, I even witnessed him crying but we won’t tell anyone about that now, will we internets… because he does not like people to know that he cries real tears like the rest of the human race. No he does not.

This is most unusual and rather worrying because, let’s face it, the role of emotional mess is sooo taken care of in this relationship. I got it covered and then some but if there’s one thing worse than crying my eyes out  its watching him cry because pah I cry allll the time. KM NEVER cries and when he does it kills me.  I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make it all better. Where is his fairy godmother anyways? can someone tell that biotch she’s late.

I knew something was up from the topic of conversation as we walked over to his sister’s. First he starts openly talking about how he’s almost thirty and straight away I’m alll shhhhhhhh we don’t talk about that because I’m only 1 measly year younger than you and and if you’re almost there that means I’m RIGHT BEHIND YOU. AAAHHH!  But it gets worse… just as I’m pushing the thought of the big 3-0 out of my brain he goes on to say that he’s technically middle aged.  Cue me WHAT Excuse me????  Apparently this conclusion was reached by him taking the average life expectancy for a bloke (currently 76 in the UK according to good old Google), dividing this figure by three puts him just into the second third of his life and therefore he deduces just into Middle Aged!!!!!!  OK see, at this point It’s all I can do to keep listening and not freak the heck out. I …*I* am not ready to contemplate this label yet, I can tell you that for nothing. He assures me its ok I have a few years to go as female life expectancy is actually higher (currently 81 -  goggle is my friend ) Pheeeewww. I breathe a sigh of relief . We said no more about it the rest of the way, but I was quietly left thinking that KM needs a job or something to do soon as he has far too much time on the couch to think about these things apparently.

I thought it was over, but I was not so lucky. Today he opens the conversation again stating that right now he feels about ten years behind his life plan. You know where he thought he’d be age thirty. Whooo Boy… tell me about it. I mean at one point in time I literally thought life would be worthless after 40 (sad but true). I figured by thirty… well lets just say I didn’t think I’d be where I am now.

I feel for the guy. I do. I mean currently we still live in a house owned by his mother. His parents are instrumental in supporting him/us financially (to be fair here, KM did work for several years and went back to college full time because his parents suggested it and offered financial help). Currently we are both desperately looking for work; he after three years out at college and me after almost 3 years out sick. (Yikes its hard to type that). Right now life seems hard and so far from what we both imagined. And that’s before you even get into all the “I wanted to have kids by now “  heartache.

I’m so proud of him for going back to college and trying to better himself/his prospects/his future… whatever.  I desperately want to follow his example by returning to uni next year. Both of us are working at getting to a place we want to be. There’s even the potential of major change /relocation next year, something that we both are aiming for, so it’s not all bad… but sometimes it feels like wading through treacle.  It’s hard going and KM seems a little bogged down and stuck. Well I guess in all honesty we both are in a bit of a funk at the moment, but I’m hoping he can catch a break soon because… he’s a proud guy, he’s been through a lot and built his self esteem up from a very low point. He deserves it. He needs it.

Is this what they call a quaterlife crisis hmmm??!!?

Ali xX

Doing as I’m told

Gadget Guy says I have to write, so I’m trying to do just that. Something’s been happening with me.   I’m letting things slide again.  I haven’t done my Wii Fit in a good few days.  I didn’t keep up with my health dairy, even though I promised him I would, which makes me feel like utter crap.  Things are sliding and slipping back to a bad place and I don’t know WHY.

At this precise point in time I can’t even begin to reason why I feel God awful…  like spaced/out of it,  not in my own head, somewhat disconnected. its kind of weird. I’m hovering in this odd place where panic attack,  crying fit,  throwing up and passing out all meet…, with no idea which way I’m gonna go really. what I want to do is go and hide in bed, cuddle up with somebody and feel safe  because I don’t feel safe right now. I feel pretty out of control and quite scared.

So the deal between me and this Gadget Guy friend of mine is that I will try to do what he tells me and he won’t ask too much or tease me or push me too much because he knows I’ll just snap and either cry or scream or run away from him and his help.  I’ve done the first thing he asked me: I’ve got my health diary as up to date as I can, writing everything that’s happened to me over the last 3 days. Now I’m doing the second thing he asked: I’m here… writing… trying to make connections and put into words to my jumbled mess of thoughts.

I started feeling bad tonight about half way through my 2 hour First Aid training session (no, there were no gory pictures or recreated wounds that upset me or grossed me out .. so it’s not that). I got a sharp pain above my left eye and a stinking headache. I lost all focus and stopped really listening to what I was being told. My chest was racing.  It can’t have been too bad because I was still able to respond. I got up and practiced all my bandages and did everything I was asked, but inside I didn’t feel like all of me was present in that room. Apparently I looked miserable, so said the teacher who asked if I was ok. Yeah I’m ok; it’s just a headache and possibly a panic attack. Now when I have panic problems the last thing I need is anyone to draw attention to me, so of course i just said I was ok. I WAS ok coming home which might be due to the fact that I was chatting away to a friend on the phone and not really thinking about what I was doing. I’ve had something to eat. I’ve taken all my meds today… and I just don’t feel good.

In fact, odd things have been going on for a few days now. It kind of started on Monday… well actually early Tuesday morning for me. I was watching this weeks episode of Dancing With the Stars over the interwebs and chatting away with Gadget Guy when suddenly I was hit with the most awful cramping.  I mean bent double moaning. Total surprise. Comes out of nowhere and takes your breath away PAIN. It was intense but didn’t last long at all.  In fact it was over by the time the show finished and all I was left with was a dull ache like that part of my body had been through something. I thought nothing of it. I slept ok and woke up fine.

Woke up fine mmhumm… did not stay that way.  I was an emotional mess yesterday,  in fact I count the damage as 1 emotional meltdown to the point of tears over something stooopidly silly. I’ll tell you about it sometime but it probably merits a post all of its own.  This was before I came online and spent the afternoon getting more and more frustrated to the point of tearing my hair out and throwing a hissy fit in Gadget Guy’s face. Actually I’d say I snapped at him pretty effectively. Let me just explain… we’re those type of friends that are close enough  and know each other well enough that we bicker and tease ALOT… its just how we are. It’s not hurtful or mean. It’s just what we do.  Yeah, admittedly yesterday we spent a large amount of time talking about the few things that cause tension between us and that always makes me (needlessly) nervous and stressed. I mean, if we were gonna fall out over anything, what we were working on yesterday afternoon would probably be it… and I just don’t want to fall out with him. Somewhere in the middle of what we were doing I was hit by a wave of the most awful fatigue. I mean seriously it’s like going from fine to exhausted in less than 60 seconds. It SUCKS. Again, trouble focusing, all over body weakness and so so tired beyond tired. I get over sensitive when this happens.  Repetitive noises bother the hell out of me.  I mean like drive me demented. Must find them and make them STOP NOW  or I may start smashing things. Loud noises are bad. Music is awful… and all that playful teasing we were doing  becomes totally not fun anymore. It feels like it hurts and he’s pushing me. God damn it this guy is SOOOOOOO FRUSTRATING!!!  I had to walk away… HAD TOO. Now let me say it was not his fault. He wasn’t doing anything that is not normal behavior between us and we both were laughing about it, me through gritted teeth admittedly. He wasn’t mean or abusive (pffft Gadget Guy getting abusive LMAO that notion in itself is just so silly it makes me laugh) it was My Problem, hormonal or otherwise. I don’t know.

So cramps Monday… moody, irritable and suddenly exhausted Tuesday… and now this near panic attack, moody… about to throw up/keel over thing tonight.

WHAT the HELL is going on… and HOW do I get it back under control!???

There… I’ve done what my good friend asked of me ….can I go to bed yet?  Without CRYING my eyes out and embarrassing myself if possible!

I feel so broken.

Ali xX

News : the good, the bad & the ugly.

Forgive me for failing to write anything yesterday. I did a lot more exercises than is usual for me and boy was I feeling it. My knees where creaking worse than an old rocking chair.  Why, you ask, did I push myself so far? Well, you see, I had my first session of actual First Aid training booked for yesterday. Unfortunately, I was also still lacking bus fare.  Yes, I could have missed it and joined the next course, but I have no idea when that would have been and I’m already joining this one half way through with a catch up session planned. I felt more comfortable with the idea of joining this course because I knew of two other newbies joining this week. Safety in numbers, I reckon, so I decided to walk it.  It took me about an hour to get into the center of Birkenhead. That’s way too long and just proves I’m so unfit.  You know it’s bad when you arrive and you hear “uugh I feel how you look!”  Hay but at least I was there with the motivational struggles I’ve had. I’m proud of that. Of course I had to walk an hour home again, too. My body is protesting today. In fact I was due to go back for the regular meeting tonight but just couldn’t face that walk again. It’s not a compulsory meeting. I won’t miss too much and of course I’ll be back next week.

Back tracking today… I’ve done nothing, barely got out of bed and had to be talked into eating because I so didn’t feel like it. The thought of food was making me ill and super fussy. There was just nothing I wanted to digest in the house. This is still a childish behavior and I should know better. I should have better control over my body… no food = no meds… and NO MEDS is bad! Yup, today I was an idiot and totally lame. I finally did eat a small portion of tinned fruit and I felt so full I could have sworn I was going to burst. Admittedly I had taken my Metformin too so I’m not sure what was making me feel so sick – the food or the pill. My heart was racing there for a little while. Sucks and so frustrating.

One thing I did notice today is just how used to swallowing pills my body has gotten. I mean, for example, when I was younger I would have trouble swallowing even one tiny little thing. Honestly, my mum used to hide the thing in a spoonful of jam or a slice of apple just to get me to take it  (yeah Gadget Guy did point out that’s how they give meds to dogs and cats. Thanks, dude ). But now, even tough I had been struggling to eat all frikkin’ day,  I can happily hold a selection of six or seven different pills in the palm of my hand, toss my head back and swallow them without thinking with the same ease as my beloved M&M’s. That’s nuts. I take so many of the things I’m surprised I don’t rattle like my pill box.

Medically: do you want the good news or the bad news? Let’s start with the bad, that way you know things are gonna get better. I got news about my dad today. Not good. He’s in a really bad way, has had another stroke I didn’t know about. Broke his hip too… refused physio treatment and is now permanently wheelchair bound. He was refusing to eat which they thought was depression…until they took him to the dentist. I’ll not go into everything that was wrong, but shit he must have been in pain for ages without saying anything (he doesn’t / can’t really talk much). The upshot of it all is the poor man has had ALL of his teeth removed. Kind of ironic since he spent most of his life developing, among other things, some of the most well known brands of toothpaste. Also ironic is that I have my first dentist appointment in about 2 years tomorrow. I have always hated the dentist, but that’s one thing I won’t be skipping out on ANYMORE!

I’m gutted to see my dad this way. He’s only 62. I experience so many different emotions with everything that’s gone on between us.  I feel like my brain just hit a brick wall and splattered a mess of feelings all over the place… guilt, anger, compassion… more guilt… some numbness. I don’t think I’m really ready to talk about it yet. Maybe when I’ve made some more sense out of things. It’s never cut and dry, is it?

The good news: my friend’s ultrasound was absolutely fine. Her due date is October 30th. Ohhhhh I want this kid to be born on Halloween so much… it just appeals to the former Goth in me. How cool would that be! I panicked about it the whole flipping day till she called me. I was a mess. It seems a little crazy… there was no reason to think anything would be wrong.. I just… I… I find myself always fearing the worst re: pregnancy. The worry makes me sick… physically SICK.

Other changes today: Gadget Guy worked his ass off to create a Health Journal for me – an easy place where I can record all my symptoms and feelings daily so I can keep an eye on things. I should have done this ages ago. He’s been kicking my ass about it for months. I need to keep better track of things so I can notice any changes.. I have dutifully promised to complete it everyday from now on… promises you make to close friends are serious things. I better not screw up.

Note to self: ALWAYS PAY ATTENTION WHEN CHECKING YOUR E-MAIL!!! .. Right under the message about my father… other important news:  I was so wrapped up in the dad thing I nearly missed it. Now I don’t want to jinx this. I’m so nervous. I’m not expecting anything at all… but…

*whispers really quietly* I have a job interview…

Ali xX

K.S.: I’m getting stronger… I may have had a bad day… but it was just one day not several and I am still anti depressant free.

Popcorn & Puppies.

On the tidying front today: was a big fat FAIL. Must achieve something tomorrow or I’m going to be very embarrassed come Monday.

What we did do today is our movie for March. Part of the plan is to see at least one a month so I feel good about this. We get bonus points for the 40 min walk it takes to get there AND for doing that same walk home in the cold and the dark, not chickening out and riding the bus.  Sadly we give up those points somewhere in the middle for stopping at the Golden Gateway to fast food sin (that’s McDonalds to the rest of the world) and eating dinner. oh well.

Our movie of choice was “Marley and Me”. Well, when I say our movie of choice I mean mine. Hay, it was my turn or at least we think it was. It’s been so long since we went we can’t actually remember what film, but even Jon reckons it was one of HIS and I’m not one to argue when I’m getting my own way. It could have been worse for him – “Confessions of a Shopaholic” was playing, I’ll have you know.

I hadn’t read many any reviews of the film but the feedback from the Twitterverse left me unsure, most people saying it was a lot sadder than expected and I’ll agree there were surely some weepy moments, especially for anyone who experienced the joyous loving nature of a great dog for themselves. I had tears in my eyes… but then I balled my eyes out at “Sex in the City” and the “Little Mermaid”, so I’m thinking that’s not saying much

On the whole, I found the movie much more uplifting than I believed I would.  Laughing out loud several times always ratchets up my star rating for a film. If this Labrador’s antics don’t have you at least chuckling, well then I feel very sorry for you, my friend. It’s not earth shattering, ground breaking stuff, but I’d recommend it for a quiet night in and if you’re an animal lover, then it should be right up your street. There is one serious problem I need to draw to your attention: I WANT a puppy… and I’m sure so did many others as they exited the movie complex. Parents beware – you may be subjected to weeks of “can we get a dog can we get a dog can we get a dog pleeeease can we have a dog”. Forewarned is forearmed.  I wonder how many households are now home to yellow lab puppies and just out of curiosity how many of them are also called Marley after this Awwww so cute worlds worst dog .

Speaking of dogs, while browsing some PCOS support forum the other day I came across this interesting idea: service dogs for psychiatric support Essentially the concept is that a dog could be trained to help a sufferer of anxiety issues  in the same way that guide dogs can help the blind or hearing dogs aid the deaf.   tasks that can be performed by a psychiatric service dog include waking the suffer from nightmares,  recognizing when their human becomes anxious or has a panic attack and either attracting the patients attentions so that by focusing on the dog they will be able to calm down,  or leading the patient to a safer quieter place. Some dogs can will even lead their owners  home or back to their car when they have become disorientated.

I think this could be a great idea. I know for sure that a dog trained to attract my attention when I have a panic attack would help no end as often all I need is something to break the cycle of rushing thoughts in my head. I often feel isolated to so a companion that recognizes what’s going on and lets me know he’s there would be fantastic not to mention the simple joy of owning a dog and being responsible for caring for him / her, giving me something to do… someone to care for even forcing me to go outside and walk. I could see it being a social thing too. I mean who doesn’t stop and say hello to the person with the cute puppy. Studies have already shown the benefits of pet ownership for people with depression and projects like Pets As Therapy are already successfully using dogs and even cats to help patients in hospitals, hospices and nursing homes.

Isn’t the PSD idea just taking this one step further? I’m not exactly sure what the dog is trained to respond to however. I mean often there are very few outward signs of the panic going on inside my head so would a dog really be able to recognize what’s happening and respond accordingly? Hmm not sure… and if the dog has to watch out for me having nightmares, when does the poor thing sleep!?  I hardly think any boyfriend would be happy at the idea of having a puppy in bed with us even if it is to guard against monsters in my dreams!

Overall, I think it’s a wonderful idea, just not so sure on the practicalities.  You can find more information at the Psychiatric Service Dog Society website. This organization is in the US and sadly I haven’t been able to find similar on this side of the pond. If you know of anything please tell me

I believe owning a pet of some kind would help me for sure. I think the responsible thing to do is to get my own life more in order before I take on responsibility for an animal. So looks like I won’t be asking the doctor to prescribe me a puppy  just yet !

Ali xX

K.S.: That Marley puppy was soooo cuuute I couldn’t help but smile.

Infertility bites.

Lost… alone… overwhelmed… feeling like I could break down in tears at any moment. I’m weak today. Sometimes I have days like this when the world seems so big, impersonal and unfair.  I feel invisible even when people are around me, like I can’t connect with them somehow, as if there’s an invisible barrier between me and them like a comic book force field or a pain of glass. I can see the world I know. It was sunny today. I heard the bird song through the open window.  I even went out, even if it wasn’t to the beach like originally planned. Nothing particularly bad happened.  There was no catastrophic event.  No panic attack. I ate all my meals and I slept just fine last night.

So, why do I feel so numb… why did I come home intending to tidy the bomb site I now call my home and find myself completely unable to act -  not knowing where to begin. time just passing…

PCOS makes me tired. The list of problems and challenges feels so big that some days I can’t see the point. I often think what I would give for one day off, one day without having to worry. if people can notice the stubble yet or face the automatic assumption that I’m lazy and I don’t care or that I must be killing myself with junk food when nobodies looking just because I’m overweight if one more person tells me (hmm you’ve gained a little or thinks its ok to poke my stomach ‘cause they’re just “playing” I’m not sure if I’ll collapse in a heap or scream blue murder).  I wonder what it would be like to watch kids paying in the park or a mum with a new baby and smile… without the twisting feeling inside. The pang of envy that comes from knowing that nobody will ever laugh watching me with my child. I want to feel happy for them, to giggle at a toddlers never ending curiosity, to hear parents stories of sleepless nights, nappy changes, temper tantrums, even morning sickness, swollen ankles and labour… take for granted that one day I can share my stories too. It’s only been a couple of years since I was this way, but it feels like a lifetime ago.  Now every memory is tainted and leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I fear that its quietly destroying my soul making me a bitter and jealous person that I don’t want to be.

I’m 26 for goodness sake.  I should be out there enjoying life – partying, traveling, and going on crazy adventures. Ok maybe just holding down a job and trying to make a home for myself with the occasional dash of excitement.  Instead I already feel like I’m running out of time… it seems so difficult to make anyone understand I’m infertile. It’s just a fact to them.  They feel sorry, they say things like well maybe IVF, maybe adoption… or that its awful  unjust… and even what a good mother I would have made and they move on. Why can’t I move on?  I feel like I have a gaping hole inside me that will never be fixed or filled and the prospect of papering over the cracks for the rest of my life is just unbearable.  Is it crazy that I sometimes wish I had some horrific injury, some scar  or cut or piece of me missing  just some physical representation of the hurt the sadness that is always with me… would being able to see make it easier for others to understand ?

I’m not TTC. I’m not even in a relationship where we’re thinking about it… but how do I face telling a future partner that being with me means giving up being a dad? How can I expect someone to choose me over that? 

This is the underlying issue for me next to this loss of a dream.  Sometimes everything seems so trivial… extra hair is awful, it’s embarrassing and my weight makes me feel ashamed. The list of nasties that we’re at extra risk of is as long as my arm and none of them are pleasant or easy to deal with. The period pains bring me to my knees and when I don’t get them I FEEL WORSE.  I don’t really feel like a woman – feminine or pretty are words that are used for other people unless you’re trying to make me laugh or taking the piss.  As for sexy… don’t even ! 

But I’m sure I could cope with all this… if only I could see the words “I love you mommy” somewhere in my future…

Hell… what am I talking about … I cope… I have no choice… and I don’t feel this way everyday. I’m not always thinking about it… I laugh, I smile, I have fun and I enjoy things just like everybody else.

But then there are days like this… alone, overwhelmed. I just want someone to hold me. I want to let go and cry again but somehow tears don’t come to stop my thoughts from racing.  maybe I’d  feel a little calmer so I can remind myself  that I’ll never find a new purpose  for my life if I stop looking .

I tried to call a few people but for one reason or another tonight they were all busy with their own lives… not that I begrudge them that one bit. The world does not come to a grinding halt ‘cause I’m having a bad day thank God because nothing would get done around here.

Ali xX

K.S.: things can only get better…

Are we feeling stressed yet ?!

 A week or so ago I discovered a great blog for women with PCOS called InCYST On the best. its a wonderful resource but today I want to draw attention to this post that just jumped out at me.

Basically it talks about all the reasons a person can suffer with stress.  You know: your hormones are out of whack, you’re jacked up on caffeine, and you haven’t slept. Any or all of these can lead to the inability to shut down and relax.  But it could also be that you have a mood disorder. hmm… well interesting…  the post gives this questionnaire explaining that there are no right or wrong answers but that the more you say yes the more you need to start thinking about stress management through changes in diet / activity / sleep control, and that if you see no change after making these adjustments you need to investigate the possibility that you suffer from a mood disorder.

Now… why am I telling you this… well to say that I stress a lot would perhaps be an understatement.  My body reacts violently to stress of any kind. I suffer from headaches and in bad cases I end up feeling sick or dizzy. Sometimes I don’t even know what it is that’s getting to me so much,  but almost always eventually I find something… some little grain of upset or frustration that I’ve bottled up somewhere and not told anyone about either because I’m scared to upset them or because I think its just me. So why would it matter… the trouble is that these things don’t go away.  They stay somewhere in my head and eat away at me and if the situation is allowed to continue. I’ll find that I’m not just feeling sick but I stop sleeping too and eventually I stop being able to eat, unable to keep anything down.

I know stress. I don’t cope well with it but I’m trying to learn to take a step back and breathe… to talk about things that bother me with the person concerned.  I’m trying to teach myself that these things do matter because they have an effect on me.

I’ve started trying to identify things I can do when I start feeling this way, to stop the situation spiraling out of control…  I now walk away and take a bath (yeah I could not live without my bubble bath). I’ve recently bought some soothing music to try and get me to sleep after I realized that I find it much easier to sleep if the room is not silent.

Perhaps I need to look into starting yoga or some other relaxation technique… not sure…

Let’s be up front about this. I already know I suffer from a mood disorder. I have depression – have since my teens, so I’m expecting a lot of yes answers but seen as the changes recommended in the post are part of my Master Plan already, I thought I’d record my answers here  then we can see how things change as I hopefully get a better grip on my life

Here goes:

Are You a High energy Thinker? (Copyright 2000, www.afterthediet.com)

1. I am easily flustered.

Whoo yes

2. I am easily drawn into a conflict.

Yep!

3. I am very organized, and when my routine is disrupted, it can ruin my day.

Organized… lol no

4. I have a hard time with change, I would rather control things than let them take their natural course.

Change is hard yup

5. I can become so attached to a person, idea, or situation that I lose sight of the “big picture” perspective.

Mmhumm… I do this

6. Staying focused on a task is a challenge; I am easily distracted/bored.

Yes yes YES…next question.

7. I can become obsessed with an activity. I can lose track of time because I get so absorbed.

All the time

8. People tell me I overanalyze things.

Umm yeah… favorite phrases include: let it go, push it away, try not to think about it NOW, can you do anything about it?  No then stop worrying.

9. People tell me I am an adrenaline junkie.

Hehe I wouldn’t say people tell me… But I can be

10. I am a perfectionist.

Sometimes

11. I am very sensitive to criticism.

Sensitive is an understatement

12. I worry a lot.

Yep I even worry when I’m not worrying that I must be missing something

13. I procrastinate / can’t finish projects I start.

Uh huh, there’s always tomorrow .

14. I feel like I sabotage myself.

All the time

15. I have a way of saying or doing impulsive things that undermine relationships or which hurt my credibility.

Mmhumm sadly yes

16. I toss and turn a lot before falling asleep.

Yep that’s IF I fall asleep at all

17. I can do a lot of things at once; in fact, it’s easier than doing one thing at a time.

Oh yeah!

18. I feel driven by some sort of internal machine.

Can’t say that no

The verdict:  16/18… That’s bad… but on the positive side it’s not 18…. What’s your score?

Notes from today: I posted a few photos of my weekend onto Flickr if you’re feeling nosy and I may be going to the beach tomorrow! Hope the rain stays away

Ali xX

K.S: I finally wrote something for an about page…

Enough already !

Hay! It’s Pancake Day! Or Fat Tuesday/Mardi Gras depending on where you are in the world. Me – I’ll be looking forward to pancakes later on with a smug look on my face after Jon’s shock admission this morning that “American style pancakes are BETTER.” I was waiting for the inevitable “but” that usually follows (you know, the part where he says they are unhealthy or they have some heinous ingredient that will make your eyes fall out or your limbs turn green or some such) BUT it never came! I’m totally loving the fact that the USA seems to be growing on him – even if it just proves to me that a way to a man’s really is through his stomach, so I had better get some cooking classes in if I don’t want to die alone.

Pancakefest aside, this time of year always gets me thinking. I like to try and give up something for Lent. I’m not sure that it really has to do with reverent respect for the time that Jesus spent in the desert.  After all, I have a very uneasy relationship with him upstairs.  It’s hard for someone who never really out grew the “WHY??” stage of childhood to accept that somebody or something has some master plan for me and the world. The “I’m supposed to just accept without demanding an explanation”, especially when we’re not exactly seeing eye to eye about some of the choices for me. Seriously. From my angle he’s being a jerk and needs to have a word with himself unless there’s a lottery win around the corner of course (for that I’d have to actually buy a ticket).  Regardless, I think giving up something you love or maybe something your feel like your can’t live without is good for my mind as well as possibly my soul. While I have one eye on the religious reasons to do this, to me its also the challenge of trying to confirm that if I put my mind to something  I can achieve, and its good to think about those people in the world who have less and possibly cope better .

So… what should I give up this year? At this point my brain lists a number of things that I’m on the verge of actual addiction to. You know: chocolate, bacon, bubble bath… buying shoes… I did try that chocolate thing last year. My friends will tell you it was an EPIC FAILURE… so, this year, I’m gonna do something a bit different…

I’m giving up… giving up. Throwing in the towel. Quitting.

Yes, dear reader. Over the past few years, somewhere, I turned into a quitter. Actually, I can tell you exactly when this happened to me: Summer 2006. I was diagnosed with PCOS and told that I can’t have children. Devastating in itself for me. It felt like the final straw. I mean, this is not the only thing on my list of medical issues. I was already trying to wrap my head around an abusive relationship that slowly warped and deformed my world, stealing my self esteem in the bargain while I was looking backwards trying to knock myself back into shape and fix the insecurities and hang ups of my past. In 2006 something snuck in and stole my future.

I fell apart. I’m not proud. 

I sank into depression. I didn’t care. I couldn’t see the point. I gave up fighting.

Now we are in February 2009 and I’m ready to say “enough!” (Better late than never, right?)  For almost the past 3 years – with a few exceptions – I’ve been existing. Not living. I’ve been letting PCOS just happen to me. Time just passes, and I go on…

This is my line in the sand. My time to wake up and smell the coffee. I’m writing myself a “cease and desist” letter. Giving myself and ultimatum. YES, I’m creating my own intervention.

GO ME!

Feel free to come along for the ride.

Ali xX