Movie, munchies and motivation.

Feeling re-energized this Monday morning. No idea why, seen as I didn’t sleep last night.  Anyways, I got up and made all my phone calls, one after the other, bam bam bam flying through the To Talk To list. Called the job broker – yeah waiting for a call back. Also made a call to our local Nation Childbirth Trust just to see if they need any volunteers or have any work shadow places.  The organization is run by parents and volunteers so I’m hopeful even though it might take a little while to get things set up. Yeah, I got real pushy after that and called the local NHS Trust.  Remember I sent my volunteer application to them just before Easter and so far I’d heard nothing, so I thought it was time for a chase up call. Turns out they have my application, they have my references and apparently I’ll be invited to an interview some time around the 26th of June. Whoa things move slowly with the NHS… even on the volunteer front. I really hope it didn’t go against me that I bothered them but now at least I have a date by which things should move forward, I feel better about that and I’ll have something to say if asked bout it at my college interview … the interview that’s TWO WEEKS today. Eeepss. Better start actually thinking about it. I want to be well prepared. I need to convince someone that I’ve actually thought about it and despite my shaky health past I have the commitment and stamina for the course.Yeah a tall order I think.  Gotta work on that A game again

The dreaded appointment has been booked. I have a time and place for that awful Pap smear. Ohhh the antics I had on the phone with the receptionist “well really you should wait till after your period. Aherm. PCOS. I have no periods. Well, barely any. But really we need… you should wait.  Soo I had to calmly explain that I was meant to have this thing at 25 – I’ll 27 this August. I’ve been avoiding this thing for 2 years. You really want me to wait the 6- 9 – 12 months or whatever till AF decides to grace me with her presence… really? I have an appointment after I promised to call and cancel if – by some tripped out logic that only AF is aware of she chooses that one day to ruin the plan.  Mmhumm… Sods Law dictates that this is more likely than my cycle stats would have you believe. Oohh ohhh she did tell me it would hurt more if I’m not coming off my cycle. Great… just wonderful… thanks.

So all of this is good, right? Making progress and all… but hers the bad news: I’m having a Fat Monday. Ugggh. Sucks. I’m having a hungry day. I’ve eaten a ton of crap – none of it good for me and I feel so guilty. It all started when I came across a pretzel stand in Liverpool 1′s shopping center. I’ve never seen one this side of the Atlantic and ooo I squealed. Well I had to try one…cinnamon pretzel and it was goood . So excited its there I hope it stays! Well then I was at Star Trek. Yep I went with Kayak Man to celebrate his birthday (a little late admittedly). So there I get waffle and ice cream. A few hours later I came out still feeling starving and grabbed a burrito bowl that I think looked so good. My eyes we so much hungrier than my stomach…and finally after it I was full and EXAUSTED. See seee fat fat FAT … I feel awful. It tasted so good and gawd this pig out one day can’t eat anything the next is doing my head in! GAH!!

Now now now Star Trek. I am not a Star Trek fan. I’m in the Star Trek clueless zone. I just wanted Kayak Man to be happy. I mean the guy is a fan and I would find it real hard to listen to him rip a film apart without having a clue what he’s actually referring to. lol. That worked out ok. He liked it. He wants more. Actually, so do I. I kinda wanna find out more about the original characters.  Yeah it made me wanna watch Star Trek, which I was NOT expecting at all…great job. Only two comments: its a real slap in the face when your suddenly confronted with a pregnant woman in labor and quite a detailed birth thing going on before the opening credits have even started. Left me feeling a tad shocked and a bit like I was intruding.  Weird feeling… and second: Vulcan ears are much cuter on a kid.  Mmhum I would totally go and see it again, so the movie surpassed my expectations. I never even felt like I was just sitting through it to make Kayak Man smile. A-mazing !

Live long and… oh sod it .. aim for the stars people

Ali xX

Smear campaign and cupcakes. (TMI ALERT! )

Woooo I am a naughty girl. I’ve been craving a chocolate cupcake for a few days now.  I used to eat them quite often but I kind of gave them up as part of that healthy living thing.  Somerfield (my local supermarket) best ever chocolate cupcakes have been on my mind.  I even had a dream about them. This craving was not going away, so tonight I indulged… and it felt good! Totally sucks that they only sell these sins in boxes of 4 …….so so naughty!

I’ve been terrible.  I haven’t even been near the Wii Fit in over a week. That’s terrible. It makes me feel guilty every time I go into the front room and see the thing lying there untouched. It knows… and now I don’t want to switch it on because it’s gonna tell me off and I’ll have put in like a bazillion pounds!  I can see that chart now… the line is gonna be right off the screen and it’s gonna scream at me “You lazy cow!!”

To make matters worse, I SLEPT through my healthy living clinic appointment. I’m scared of the nurse now, too, and I did so well last time I can tell you right now I’ve put those two pounds back on and then some!  I can’t believe I slept through my appointment… the shame. I was joking about it last night because, let’s face it, it’s no fun to go to a healthy living appointment when you have been living anything but healthy.  I wasn’t actually planning on missing the thing… honest judge!  Now I have to call and make a new appointment.  Maybe I can get one in two weeks time and just bust a gut to make things better :S  I hate calling the surgery. There’s another thing I’ve been avoiding. I don’t want to call to make this new appointment. I really don’t… because, you see, there’s another appointment I’ve been putting off. I got the dreaded letter in the post a few weeks ago and stuffed it somewhere conveniently out of sight. I’ve been not quite forgetting about it ever since.

The time has come… I am due for my first EVER smear test… and I DON’T WANNA GO!!! Now, to be fair, I have NO clue why it’s bothering me so much. I mean I’ve had internal… aherm… examinations… internal ultrasound and other such pleasantries that involve several people looking and touching, poking and removing bits of my most intimate areas without one ounce of fun or pleasure. It’s not like the embarrassing undignified legs akimbo position is new to me. Ohh no, how I wish that were so… and I love oh so much how each doctor has tired to make pleasant small talk while… aherm… working… WTF… do what you have to do and let me out of here.  I don’t wanna talk about the weather or what I’m doing at the weekend while you hands are… oh gawd I’m blushing… shhhhhhhh SHUT UP! It REALLY did not help me that the last time I went, said doctor was a young and ohhh so yummy gentleman. You really shouldn’t be thinking about these things while… but I was. I have to laugh about it or I’d cry. Really does not help that the magazine I had had grabbed to read while waiting was Time Out Chicago – the SEX edition. Nice move Ali. D’oh!!  Even after all this though, I’m scared of a routine smear. I don’t wanna do it.

Actually I’ve been dreading this time ever since my first internal examination when the nurse and consultant actually argued right in front of me about what age I should have said test. The nurse had scared me with a huuge lecture about not having been yet when my GP had told me I was still too young. Turns out the doctor was right and I escaped for a couple more years but NO MORE   I’m dreading this.

Before you start thinking how irresponsible I am, I KNOW how important this is and I WILL go… I promise. I just don’t wanna.

I’m drawing a line after the consumption of cupcakes and this week of bad behavior… back to good habits…

Ali xX

Ohhhhh!..so this is what motivation feels like …

OMG I got so much stuff done today I can’t believe it! I totally rocked today like a normal – not depressed no panic attack motivated – individual uh huh!  First I actually got up in time to call the doctor and make an appointment. I had to request to see a different GP after my awful experience last time. This guy was really nice and actually listened to me. There’s a novel idea – paying attention to what your patient is telling you.  He’s changed my Metformin prescription to the Extended Release version which I’m happy about and given me 4 weeks worth. Woohooo for not seeing the doctor for 4 whole weeks!  I also had to have him actually check out my tits because they have still been bothering me. Slightly odd having a discussion with your GP about US medical care while waiting for the female chaperone so he can grope your boobs, but hay I ain’t complaining. Thrilled to report my tits feel normal!  I actually didn’t think I could feel anything odd either, but you know I ain’t taking that chance.  No way. His conclusion: the pain is either hormonal or a result of a strain in my chest muscles. Good news! I’ll just grin and bare it I was feeling super organized for actually going round to the pharmacy to organize my pills on the same day after my appointment actually, I arrived home chuffed to bits with myself… UNTIL I open up Google Calendar and realize that I’m meant to be at the healthy living clinic… at the doctor’s surgery… the doctor’s surgery I JUST came in from. I’m meant to be there now!  D’oh… reverse!!! ..I turned right around and rushed back out again WITHOUT my healthy living paperwork. Poof goes any illusion that I’m organized. To make matters worse, the nurse I’m seeing was the very same nurse who was my chaperone. Yeah the same lady who just watched my tit examination. She smiles “you should have said  … I would have fitted you in before …”Uuh huh if I REMEMBERED I WOULD HAVE. Great. Now the nurse thinks I’m fat and dumb :S The good news is my blood tests all came back normal. Can I get a Woot Wooot for not being diabetic or having crippling cholesterol!?? Oh oh oh and another one for having lost 2 lbs since I last stepped on the dreaded scales two weeks ago… YAAAY for smaller numbers!

Leaving the doctors surgery for the SECOND time this morning, the sun was shining so bright and happy like I decided not to get back on the bus and walked into town instead. Yeah, you read that right… I walked 45 minutes into town not because I had to but I actually wanted to!!  I even remembered to stop along the way to find out some costs for shipping I have to do later this month.

I made an appointment to have my hair restyled and colored tomorrow. This is HUGE news for me. I never have a clue what to do with my hair. Its pretty much wave the white flag and surrender. It’s a mess. I always feel intimidated by anyone in a hair salon who assumes I know what they are talking about when they ask me if I want my hair layered or feathered. Mmhumm… who did you learn all this from… because I missed that class!?  And anyways you look like you know what you’re doing. Your hair is perfect so how about you DECIDE? You clearly have better judgment about these things than me.  You can see the tangled mess on my head, yes? I’m actually excited. The lady I spoke with today was much more approachable and I felt like I could actually talk to her. I’m also nervous as all hell because I’ve never had my hair professionally colored before. I did go black… oh oh and purple once… back in midst of my teen days.  There is no photographic evidence!

I got my eyes tested and ordered new glasses too. They should be ready in around a week… so I can check that off my list.

I went makeup shopping. Hurrah for new lippy and even mascara (sheesks this stuff should come with a free crash course on how to apply without making a royal mess)

I even called my job broker to let him know about my interview and arrange a little grant so I can buy a new shirt to wear. Yup, trying to be smart here. Most of the things I had for work have gotten a lot worse for wear since I haven’t had to dress that way for over 2 years.

I even remembered to get my multi-vitamins while I was out. There’s one shop in town I have to go to for them and I always seem to forget and end up making a special trip.. Today I remembered as I was passing… yay!

And and and… I got my nails done today! Uh huh… yeah… I now have shiny new nail extensions that I love… and despite a severe allergy to the color pink, I’m coping with the HOT PINK nail art design the technician painted on the tips quite well. Poll: how long before I can reasonably go back and get it replaced with something else? Me and PINK do not get along. The brighter the shade, the worse my problem, so this fluorescent glow in the dark… HOT PINK… ummm “not very Ali” would be the polite way of putting it.

PINK!

Seeeee!

After all this, I came home and collapsed for a little while… but I get bonus points for firmly resisting all junk and fast food while I was out and eating a very healthy lunch!  And the motivation thing did not stop there. I also finally got ‘round to E-mailing a response to my aunt to pass on to my dad. I even sent out a few pictures for him!

Mhummm… today I’m on fire. Blowing through my to do list. You know I like this motivation thing. I hope it hangs around for a while.

Ali   xX

K.S.: Mmmm… Ribs for dinner

Doomsday looming.

I had an appointment at the healthy eating clinic. The 10 minute long session was with a practice nurse again – somebody who didn’t appear to actually register that I’d told her I had PCOS and was looking for some dietary advice related to the condition… nor did she seem concerned at all by the fact that I lurch from struggling to actually eat 3 meals a day and keep them down some days to the opposite extreme where I can pack away a stupid amount without even feeling like I’ve eaten. This happens too frequently. She didn’t seem to have any ideas as to what might be the cause. Frankly, she didn’t really care. I really wish I was able to find somebody – anybody – who could give me specific PCOS advice. The search for this mysterious person goes on, I guess. The nurse did however order blood tests: two of them in fact. The first is a glucose test to check for diabetes – something I requested (YAY for listening to me). I’ve been curious/concerned about this ever since the PCOS diagnosis seen as how women with the condition are at higher risk of insulin resistance and diabetes. I’m so pleased somebody is finally going to check it. Will lay my mind to rest if nothing else and if there is a problem hmm I think I need to know! The second blood test ordered was a cholesterol test – first time I’ve had one of these as well. We’ll see what the results bring. Judgment Day is next Tuesday at 9.20 am. I say Judgment Day but of course the crimson vials still have to be sent to a lab somewhere so judgment won’t actually be passed on Tuesday. Perhaps Doomsday might be more appropriate seen as how it involves a 14 hour fast (you can bet I’ll be feeling ravenous that night sods law) an early start (I am so not a morning person) and an unavoidable date with an object that strikes fear into my heart – so much more successfully than the idea of commitment, or a plague of cicadas… and that’s saying a LOT. Yes you’ve guessed it – NEEDLE and I have been set on a collision path. Its not gonna be pretty. At my last practice I was automatically made to lie down and pushed right up against a wall any time I had blood work simply because the likelihood is I’m gonna pass out and if (when) that happens I can’t fall from that position. Uh huh, I ended up on the floor a few times before they figured this out (I’m such a wus). Oddly though I can watch other people go through the same ordeal without batting an eyelid. It’s not that I derive pleasure from the torture of others or anything. Honest. I just don’t find staying conscious a problem.

Time to step on the scales – something I do with about the same enthusiasm as stepping up on the gallows.  I swear I could hear the faint drum beat signaling impending execution in my ears. Those few second take FOREVER… can I get off yet? OH NO THATS BAD… but it is 5 kg or so less than I thought, so it’s not the end of the world or anything. No falling on my knees, wailing and nashing of teeth, asking for the ground to suddenly eat me etc. I’ve been given a generic diet plan. Meh. Some advice on portion control (hay miss, if you think I’m bad at this, take a trip across the pond. Your brain will explode). Still, useful advice.  Work on portion control. Gotcha.

What’s this? A food diary… hmmm I’m not sure about this. it feels a bit like being on report at school. You know, having to get a teacher to sign a scrap of paper to say you were actually present at each class… not that I have experience of this. I was a good girl… or a skilled BS artist… I’ll let you be the judge I think the diary is too much for me ..It feels like I’m being told off or punished. Kind of makes me want to REBEL!   but I will give it a chance… I suppose…

Next appointment: 2 weeks from now.

In other news… I got my CV off to the person who needs it today …that would be my Job broker and I picked up a beginners’ yoga DVD today. I felt like trying it, hopefully to help me learn to do that relaxing thing a bit better. Of course buying the thing and actually using it are sooo not the same but the thought was there. I’ll put it on my to do list for tomorrow.

Ali xX

K.S.: delicious weight watchers black current cheesecake = dessert with no guilt

Metformin and gummy bears.

I’ll be starting on Metformin as of Monday. I need to start with one 500mg dose in the morning with breakfast (which means I had better get a lot better at eating breakfast and quickly). I’ll be eating my oats like a good girl every morning just so I can take the pill despite the fact that I’ve really struggled with the whole food thing recently. After 7 days the dose doubles to 500mg twice a day morning and evening. The drug has been shown to help women with PCOS controlling the effects of insulin resistance.   It has been shown to help women suffering PCOS with losing weight and even returning to a regular cycle.  Here’s hoping I’ll see some good results from it.

As with all drugs there are side effects. Last time I took this I felt so sick the first couple of weeks. It was terrible, feeling ill.   The most common adverse effect of Metformin is gastrointestinal upset, including diarrhea, cramps, nausea, and vomiting. Apparently this affects more than 1 in 10 patients to some degree (that’s according to the leaflet accompanying the drug. The previous time I was taking Metformin things seemed to settle down for me after about 2 weeks. I really hope that’s the case again! The drug is also hard on your kidneys and liver.  The information I’ve read STRESSES the importance of drinking plenty of water while on Metformin (OH BOY this could be a SERIOUS problem for me) other recommendations are NO Alcohol and to try and stay away from over the counter drugs that may also be hard on your liver & kidneys.  It’s advised that people on the prescription should have blood work to monitor liver and kidney function and I am slightly concerned that this never came up in the 10 minutes I was with the doctor the other day. Seems kind of important to me.

So over all, I need to cut the booze (I’m not really a big drinker anyways) and work HARD on the water thing!!

Along these lines … I’m super pleased with myself today for taking a step towards being more organized with my medication at least. I found myself a little pill organizer (or as Kayak Man likes to call it my pill Filofax) with compartments for morning and afternoon medication and set up a full weeks pills in advance. I’m hoping this will not only help me to remember, but more importantly I’ll never have that stooopid moment of wondering if I took my meds yet today. Again.

Any good behavior points I may have awarded myself are totally and utterly wiped out by the fact that I ate half a packet of Haribo Star Mix though I can tell you I feel sooooooo guilty. These things are technically not MAOAM’s the annoying sugary sticky messy things I haven’t eaten since I gave them up in this post,  BUT  the problem is that I only started eating the MAOAM’s in the first place to STOP myself eating WAAAAY to much Haribo. Today I gave in and I didn’t even ENJOY it. I feel bad. From now on, I declare a blanket ban on all sugary / jelly /gummy sweets … and instead when I want a sugary treat I will go for the chocolate that I actually ADORE. Even then I’m making an effort to switch to mostly enjoying dark chocolate in smaller quantities.

I’ve decided to change around my reading goals a little origionally I had set myself the goal of reading one book for pleasure each month but while I was over at Kirstin’s blog I decided instead to join in with her Book challenge 2009.  The idea here is to set a goal for the entire year as opposed to month by month. I think I’ll be much more likely to stick to this and it’s more fun when other people are doing this too.  I’ve set my target at 36: that’s 12 fictions books (one for each month as per my original plan) but I’m also adding that I will aim to read one non-fiction book for every two months.  Now, granted, 36 books seems like a low target compared to the others in the group, but having dyslexia I make  redonkulously slow progress. Anyways,  look for my I’m reading page to be updated with the books I have read so far this year as well as links to the others taking part.

I have this really odd urge to make a roast chicken dinner (don’t ask me why – I dunno!)… So I’ll be doing that tomorrow or attempting to I should say… Wish me luck!

Ali xX

K.S. Getting hold of the T.V. remote for an hour so I could watch NCIS for the first time!

Cooking up a storm ~ Cod,Prawn & Corn Chowder

So one thing that’s stated twice on my plan is that I must learn to cook better (both because I enjoy it and it would be great for my diet). I’m not the world’s best cook, it has to be said, but you can’t improve without practice, right?  I’ve decided that in order to help keep me in the kitchen I’m going to try at least one new recipe a week. Hopefully I can share them with you here under the title “Cooking Up a Storm” because, after all, usually when I get done my kitchen does look like a small tornado past through it!

I will be trying to make the things that I chose relevant to my changes in diet (there will be naughty weeks though because I LOVE to bake!). This week something to do with fish (because I need to eat more of it)

Cod, Prawn & Corn Chowder

Serves 4

Ready in 40 minutes

273 calories per serving (so I’m told)

Ingredients:

1 medium onion

2 medium potatoes

2 carrots

10 ml (2 tsp) sunflower oil

300ml semi skimmed milk

1 vegetable stock cube

100g (3 1/2 oz) can of sweet corn

100g (3 oz) frozen peas

50 grams prawns

400g cod / haddock fillets cubed

 

Method

1. Peel and finely chop onion. Peal and dice potatoes & carrots

2. Heat oil in a large pan and add the onion, potatoes, and carrots. Cook for a few minutes stirring. Add the milk and 300ml water, crumble in the stock cube cover and simmer for 15-20 minutes.

3. Add sweet corn, peas, prawns and fish. Cover and continue to simmer for a further 10 minutes. Serve chowder in bowls with chucks of crust whole grain bread.

And there it is… I really enjoyed my dinner tonight. I hope you like it.

If you have an recipe suggestions for me to try please get in touch!

Bon appetite

Ali xX

Out in the rain.

Feeling soo much better today mainly thanks to a great night’s sleep… my only problem is I’m still really struggling with eating.

I said I had things to tell you yesterday so let’s start there. I had planned to go out yesterday and have some “me time” (for “have some me time” you should read “do some shopping”) but when it came down to it I was really exhausted and so I didn’t actually get organized till about three. This meant that I would have just got to the shops as they were about to close – a fairly pointless endeavor. Instead Kayak Man very generously offered to take me to the movies and even conceded that we could see one of “my” movies.  He did leave me slightly worried when given the choice between “Duplicity” and “Young Victoria”, he actually chose my third option: “Confessions of a Shopaholic”. Whoa… who are you and what did you do with my oh-so-very-macho-manly Kayak Man. you might think I’m being offensive here, but really I’m not. He would agree with me. He is a man who acts like a man, showing no interest at all in shopping… really none. Hmm when I think of it like that and then realize how much he still agrees to go shopping with me… awwww…  I don’t know what was going on with his film selection but anyhow off we went.

Hunger strikes on the journey!! This is fantastic news. I’ve really missed that feeling, the one that reminds you to eat something. I hadn’t been able to do it all day, not for lack of trying I might add.  I just look at food and it makes my stomach turn. When I’m in a phase like this I do not ignore hunger, so a deal was reached:  he got 2 tickets to see “Watchmen” and I got the best burger I’ve eaten in ages! I also found out that I totally can drink milk…and it’s yummy if you add crushed up Oreo cookies that is! (Hay don’t laugh at me… it was news to me. usually milk, even milkshakes, only lead to one thing and that’s activation of my gag reflex).  It was a mark of just how hungry I was that I finished the whole meal at least 5 minutes before the bloke opposite me (the guy who actually thinks being in an eating challenge would be FUN).  In his very words, I INHALED that burger. What’s more, I topped it off with waffle and ice cream for dessert… yes… yes I know i should be ashamed.  This meal was soooo bad for me – totally packed with all the things I shouldn’t be eating and I would feel suitably ashamed and embarrassed. honest I would except I hadn’t had a full meal in a couple of  days, so if I’ve got to be naughty to convince my body it WANTS to eat, naughty is what I will be!  It was gooooood 

Much better than “Watchmen”. Ok don’t get me wrong. It’s not that the film was bad. It was fun, entertaining, had some good fighting some sexy great costumes, lots of interesting special effects… But I just can’t rave about it the way many of the men in my life do. I found a lot of the scene’s just awkward  as comic book stories go there are better I believe (I’m going purely off the movies. it has to be said I never have read comic’s ) and overall the film just somehow felt… too long!  I’m sure this opinion might make me somewhat unpopular and, in fairness, my judgment could be jaded by the fact that I came out of the theatre with the most awful headache as I mentioned last night.

I found it so hard to get out of bed today … it was just too blinking comfy in there. I love mornings like this when I wake up feeling rested and peaceful, no worrying about anything. Wonderful! But I did get up. Oh yes! I went to the beach today. I absolutely love water. I could stand and watch it for ages in all weather, so despite the cold, the wind and dark skies that delivered a considerable amount of rain, I had the best time just walking, taking pictures…  letting the fresh air blow the cobwebs away – lol … listening to the sound of the waves and watching the occasional ferry go by. Ok, Ok, giggling at Kayak Man splashing around in the rock pools with his full length waders on. That was fun too I can’t deny. The only downside: sheeks this place is seasonal. It’s so sad to see the cafes and ice cream shops with there shutters down, the rides silent and motionless.  It just adds to the bleak feeling created marvelously by the British Weather. The place felt a little… lifeless, but then most people are smart enough to stay indoors when the wind is helpfully blowing the rain in your face.

I’ve added the pictures I took today to my Flickr if you’re interested

Hmmm what else… oh yes got my vitamins all stocked up today, reconnected with a very good friend. Must not forget to call the doctor tomorrow morning!

Ali xX

K.S. I love being out in the rain… when its properly raining not the measly half hearted stuff… the real nosy forceful showers!

Eating problems & Work ambitions.

Very little I can say… lots of ideas… possible plans or schemes taking shape in my head and I don’t want to say too much too soon.

My appointment with the new job broker went great… it did feel a bit like 20 Questions as he tired to get all the information he needed from me, but I’m pleased that he was being thorough and already he seems much more professional than the previous company. Not hard, seen as I was with the last one 3 months… I only actually had one appointment then they promptly forgot who I was,  I don’t mean that I didn’t get in contact either, I called and they actually told me they had no idea who I was or why I wanted an appointment with their advisor… hmmm time to switch companies? I think so!  I’m feeling pleased with myself for actually being organized enough to bring copies of my CV without being prompted with both the paper and the floppy disk versions (who uses floppy disks now anyway?  my machine doesn’t even have that drive anymore lol )

I already have a date for the next meeting: 2 weeks from now.  In the meantime, the broker will work on my CV and I have to start getting a feel for what might be out there in the job market, checking local papers /websites, etc. I actually spent most of the afternoon searching the web looking into some further training possibilities but it’s defiantly too early to talk about those in public! Cross your fingers for good things to come from this. I’m thinking positive.

No progress as yet on the list of questions for the doctor… that’s my task for tomorrow. I meant to get started this afternoon but I must have been in catching up on sleep mode. I laid down for a 20 minutes rest and woke up about three hours later. At least I’m sleeping.

This brings me to another issue I’m struggling with at the moment: I’m having real trouble eating 3 meals a day.  I just don’t get hungry. Food is just not appetizing to me and sometimes the sight of a portion makes me feel ill. I actually forget to eat. You would never think it from the size of me sadly. When I do remember I can only manage smaller portions before feeling full and from time to time I experience waves of nausea, have to fight to keep what I have eaten in my belly. So I have an eating problem… I don’t have an eating disorder. I’m perfectly aware that I’m overweight but this aversion to eating has nothing to do with wanting to lose pounds.  I’m committed to sorting my diet, yes, but losing weight by starving myself is not my plan. It doesn’t take long for this issue to become very frustrating.  It’s no good in terms of the plan either because naturally if I’m not getting proper nutrition / meals, it’s only a couple of days before I’m feeling weak, tired and unable to do anything – lacking motivation. I’ve had this issue on and off for a long time. I’d been getting my three meals for a couple of months now including the morning bowl of oats I started as part of this plan.  but the last three days things have gone downhill.  Wondering if its stress related… maybe I need some sort of alarm to remind me to go and eat something. I’m sure if I could just get into a routine things would improve.   

Ali xX

K.S.: progress on the work front? Perhaps studying again? I do believe I have new ambitions today.

Lotions, potions, pills … NEEDLES ?!

I finally got myself organized and out into the sunshine today to take my registration forms back to the new surgery, so I now OFFICIALLY have a new doctor (at least I will when the Practice Manager comes back from holiday and puts my details on system,. but I have faith.  Part of my new positive thinking drive). So, don’t let me forget I need to call and make my first actual appointment on Wednesday morning around 8am … 8am?!!  Some nights I’m just crawling INTO bed at 8am… so far I’m feeling good about the change. It looks like I might be able to get counseling and dietician appointments at the same place, both things that are on my list of actions I think I need to take to get on top of the health situation and stay there! (The list… that I actually have to write down ON PAPER before Wednesday with a list of questions /concerns too!) Yes, I may actually be doing more preparation for this appointment than some of the exams I have taken in my life.  It may seem crazy, but I’m trying this new approach as a “head fake”. You know, a way to convince my brain that I am confident,  I know what I need and I can admit what I don’t understand  NOT… NOPE… NOT at all worrying myself silly about talking to a doctor I don’t know and telling them all this stuff that I really don’t WANT to share. My brain is not convinced yet… must write list .. MUST write list!  

I’ve been offered counseling before but it’s never really worked out for me. I find the idea that I’m expected to open up to someone I just met frankly quite laughable… (As you can see from the slightly neurotic nature of the above paragraph). Truthfully they would probably gain more insight from reading this silly thing than physically talking to me.  Previous attempts have been epic failures where either we’ve sat in awkward silence the whole time twiddling our thumbs as I proceed to read every single information poster, picture, even the titles of books on a book shelf, just to avoid eye contact while trying to use the power of my mind to make the phone RING so they can talk to someone else OR the opposite approach – I give my standard reply “I’m ok” followed by “no, really, I’m fine.” I go off yakking about something totally random… we end up laughing and… and they wind up agreeing with me “you’re fine!” we shake hands… smiles… have a nice life  and I never have to go back into that awkward uncomfortable place where someone might actually see me FAILING to deal with stuff  and call me out on it again…YAAAY !!!

*head -> desk* Have I told you that I majored in drama? ACTING…its WHAT I DO!   I’m really good at faking it… really good at plastering on a smile when I need to… putting on a mask… not revealing anything… showing you the side of me that IS OK…  and if you don’t know me well enough, like, for example, if we just met that afternoon – my experience is you won’t pick up on it, unless of course your reading this and I just told you.  If you are, let me tell you something else: there’s this whole other side of me that’s not coping, and if you bought my performance, that part of me is laughing at you and I’m not  make any progress.

Speaking of tangents… I had this really nuts dream last night. I went into space on a school trip to some settlement that looked like a cross between a dive bar in Star Wars and a motorway service station.  I was struggling to breathe and dying of heat, searching the gift shop for the “I’ve been to Saturn” fridge magnet without success. My subconscious obviously liked something about that Shuttle / Space Station discussion I was having with Gadget Guy… analyze that… on second thought -  don’t

So, yeah, decided to give counseling one final chance and this time I will actively TRY to disable my own defense mechanisms.  I don’t hold out much hope but at least I will have given it a shot.

 As for the dietician, well I need to get this diet / exercise thing going but there seems so much to consider with trying to manage PCOS, depression… and lose weight.  I think I need professional help and guidance.

Enough of that for now. On to some reading I’ve been doing lately about the benefits of acupuncture treatment for PCOS. Now given that I am deathly afraid of needles in a eeek eeek eeeek…OMG I can’t look! Hide my face in my hands and squeal like a 5 year old kind of way. I cannot believe I’m actually considering this, but I’m so desperate for improvement, I’ll try anything. Still more reading is needed because a large portion of my mind is still saying “you mean needles… SEVERAL of them… YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!”

 While I was doing this research today, I found a couple of links may prove useful:

The first is the link to the UK patient support group Verity. I still haven’t made the final decision to join yet, but they seem to have support groups set up in a few areas around the UK as well as holding a few national events open to all members. Their nest event is on 28th of March in Birmingham titled “PCOS Emotions Workshop 2009″

I even have this speck of an idea that if there’s not a support group in my area, I should go ahead and start one.  On the other hand it could be that the boy I live with and his passion for wild / crazy / hair brained schemes is rubbing of on me.

Are any of you already members, if so has it been helpful / worthwhile? 

The second link was a site I found selling supplements related to PCOS. It’s well organized; all the products are listed under the specific symptoms they are thought to help. It’s called PCOS Online. To be honest I find the amount of possible supplements a bit daunting. I’m only just starting out my research and I think I’ll consult my doctor before going on a shopping spree, lest I do some harm with a toxic combination or something, but if you’re searching for something specific it may be worth a look.

I feel like I’m only seeing the tip of a huuuge iceberg of information out there. There’s so much more to read, consider… BUT it feels so good to be doing something. I actually feel like I’m learning about myself mentally and physically.  I just have to accept that it’s not just my personality that makes me high maintenance.  My body is that way too.

Ali xX

K.S. I’m not alone .. and there’s help out there !

Back to the grind…

Yes, yes, I know. Technically, I actually came back from my weekend yesterday, but it was late and really I couldn’t wrap my head around writing a post because my brain numb from the boredom of sitting on a train for hours. Excuse me for pulling a sickie and not reporting in yesterday like I said I would.

My weekend was great! I had a wonderful time. I didn’t panic (not even in the noisy excitement and crowd at my first EVER football game) and if I told you everything that I got up to, well I’d be here for ages and would certainly get myself and possibly others in trouble. So let’s not do that. We’ll concentrate on the important stuff ok?

First, my diet went to hell.  It was a sinful couple of days. Of all the things I’m not meant to eat, washed down with far too much drink, be it alcoholic or of the fizzy sugar variety and it was gooood. Now that it’s over, I’m getting right back on track. Promise.  In my defense, it’s hard to stick to the diet I prescribed myself while visiting a friend. Really didn’t want to be rude with the “I can’t eat this. I gave up that, etc.” I decided instead that as I was taking a short holiday, the diet could, too.

That aside, I have to declare my love for baseball here. Actually, it surprised me. I haven’t told you about it already. Baseball is MY sport. I love it.  Could watch it for hours and hours, EVEN pass up chocolate or, heaven forbid, shopping – just to watch a game. I was ecstatic that my mate introduced me to ESPN America. It was a baptism of fire. We spent most of the weekend watching games from the World Baseball Classic till all hours of the night… or should that be morning! Even better, I can get this channel at home, thanks to Virgin who helpfully came ‘round to install new internet and digital TV service while I was away. THIS MEANS… I CAN WATCH BASEBALL FROM MY COUCH. My quality of life just went up a grade or two, I tell ya! At this point, I gotta have a serious word with my team … hay Yankees! What’s with getting beat TWICE this weekend by the ATLANTA BRAVES?!? You do know that’s my friend’s team, right? Do you have any Idea the S**T I took from him? Now, its only spring training and I love you guys, so I forgive of course but there better be some revenge in June. Pleeeeeeeease.

I realized this weekend just how much I miss Scotland. It’s odd I haven’t lived up there in years and most of the time I don’t really think about it, but every time I cross that border (and the sky goes black and it starts raining hehe) I feel a little better. My country is truly stunning.  I so much prefer the stone architecture to Merseyside’s red brick. Edinburgh is fascinating to me. I always think of it as my parents city, seen as its where they met , where my dad went to Uni and probably the place he was happiest in his life (waaay before my time, but I maintain his decent into unhappiness had nothing to do with me showing up. It wasn’t me, or if it was, it was unintentional. Honest!) There’s room to breathe in Scotland. There are towns and cities actually SEPARATED by wide open SPACE, unlike the continuous sprawl of suburbs I currently live in – where one town and city seems to melt endlessly into each other and it becomes hard to tell where one ends and the next begins. Merseyside is enough to make me claustrophobic. I need elbow room. I was much more upset to be crossing the border coming back than I realized I would be. I guess if the USA is number one on the places that make me happy, Scotland is running a close second. it does have the advantage though in that I don’t need a long haul flight and a visa to get in there. Scotland is a realistic relocation possibility, whereas America for now is an impossible dream. Perhaps I need to move the goal posts??

Despite the bright sunshine and blue skies, I felt downcast this morning. not sure if it was some kind of pining for Scotland or that my break away wasn’t long enough. probably just the fact that I have a cold that’s causing me to make numerous involuntary attempts  to cough up my lungs right into the palm of my hands just so my body can show you just how gunked-up they are. either way, I didn’t feel like writing tonight but I knew that if I didn’t, I’d be taking a giant step down that road towards “give up.” I did not do that. I came, I wrote… but I’m going to finish this one up quickly…

Got a lot of time to read the Narrow Dog on the train… enjoying it very much so far.
 
Despite my *blech* mood, I did go out today and enjoy the fresh air and the sunshine. .in fact, I went to the garden center to help Jon with a project of his own to turn our dismal concrete postage stamp of a back yard into a place where he can actually grow something.  I put up a bird feeder as my little contribution – wishful thinking. I hear you say well yeah… but still.

Been doing a lot of thinking and reading recently about PCOS. Its been absolutely great to make connections with other women experiencing this. I no longer feel alone and THAT makes such a difference. I can feel a post on this subject coming on hehe

Here we go – back to the grind as they say… business as usual tomorrow

Ali xX

K.S. Blue skies and SUN … in MARCH