Ohhhhh!..so this is what motivation feels like …

OMG I got so much stuff done today I can’t believe it! I totally rocked today like a normal – not depressed no panic attack motivated – individual uh huh!  First I actually got up in time to call the doctor and make an appointment. I had to request to see a different GP after my awful experience last time. This guy was really nice and actually listened to me. There’s a novel idea – paying attention to what your patient is telling you.  He’s changed my Metformin prescription to the Extended Release version which I’m happy about and given me 4 weeks worth. Woohooo for not seeing the doctor for 4 whole weeks!  I also had to have him actually check out my tits because they have still been bothering me. Slightly odd having a discussion with your GP about US medical care while waiting for the female chaperone so he can grope your boobs, but hay I ain’t complaining. Thrilled to report my tits feel normal!  I actually didn’t think I could feel anything odd either, but you know I ain’t taking that chance.  No way. His conclusion: the pain is either hormonal or a result of a strain in my chest muscles. Good news! I’ll just grin and bare it I was feeling super organized for actually going round to the pharmacy to organize my pills on the same day after my appointment actually, I arrived home chuffed to bits with myself… UNTIL I open up Google Calendar and realize that I’m meant to be at the healthy living clinic… at the doctor’s surgery… the doctor’s surgery I JUST came in from. I’m meant to be there now!  D’oh… reverse!!! ..I turned right around and rushed back out again WITHOUT my healthy living paperwork. Poof goes any illusion that I’m organized. To make matters worse, the nurse I’m seeing was the very same nurse who was my chaperone. Yeah the same lady who just watched my tit examination. She smiles “you should have said  … I would have fitted you in before …”Uuh huh if I REMEMBERED I WOULD HAVE. Great. Now the nurse thinks I’m fat and dumb :S The good news is my blood tests all came back normal. Can I get a Woot Wooot for not being diabetic or having crippling cholesterol!?? Oh oh oh and another one for having lost 2 lbs since I last stepped on the dreaded scales two weeks ago… YAAAY for smaller numbers!

Leaving the doctors surgery for the SECOND time this morning, the sun was shining so bright and happy like I decided not to get back on the bus and walked into town instead. Yeah, you read that right… I walked 45 minutes into town not because I had to but I actually wanted to!!  I even remembered to stop along the way to find out some costs for shipping I have to do later this month.

I made an appointment to have my hair restyled and colored tomorrow. This is HUGE news for me. I never have a clue what to do with my hair. Its pretty much wave the white flag and surrender. It’s a mess. I always feel intimidated by anyone in a hair salon who assumes I know what they are talking about when they ask me if I want my hair layered or feathered. Mmhumm… who did you learn all this from… because I missed that class!?  And anyways you look like you know what you’re doing. Your hair is perfect so how about you DECIDE? You clearly have better judgment about these things than me.  You can see the tangled mess on my head, yes? I’m actually excited. The lady I spoke with today was much more approachable and I felt like I could actually talk to her. I’m also nervous as all hell because I’ve never had my hair professionally colored before. I did go black… oh oh and purple once… back in midst of my teen days.  There is no photographic evidence!

I got my eyes tested and ordered new glasses too. They should be ready in around a week… so I can check that off my list.

I went makeup shopping. Hurrah for new lippy and even mascara (sheesks this stuff should come with a free crash course on how to apply without making a royal mess)

I even called my job broker to let him know about my interview and arrange a little grant so I can buy a new shirt to wear. Yup, trying to be smart here. Most of the things I had for work have gotten a lot worse for wear since I haven’t had to dress that way for over 2 years.

I even remembered to get my multi-vitamins while I was out. There’s one shop in town I have to go to for them and I always seem to forget and end up making a special trip.. Today I remembered as I was passing… yay!

And and and… I got my nails done today! Uh huh… yeah… I now have shiny new nail extensions that I love… and despite a severe allergy to the color pink, I’m coping with the HOT PINK nail art design the technician painted on the tips quite well. Poll: how long before I can reasonably go back and get it replaced with something else? Me and PINK do not get along. The brighter the shade, the worse my problem, so this fluorescent glow in the dark… HOT PINK… ummm “not very Ali” would be the polite way of putting it.

PINK!

Seeeee!

After all this, I came home and collapsed for a little while… but I get bonus points for firmly resisting all junk and fast food while I was out and eating a very healthy lunch!  And the motivation thing did not stop there. I also finally got ‘round to E-mailing a response to my aunt to pass on to my dad. I even sent out a few pictures for him!

Mhummm… today I’m on fire. Blowing through my to do list. You know I like this motivation thing. I hope it hangs around for a while.

Ali   xX

K.S.: Mmmm… Ribs for dinner

Giving something back, having someone listen.

I am soooo excited!  I actually went out today and found out about some volunteering opportunities. I approached the British Red Cross.  I was so completely unaware of all the things they do just in the local community and I can’t wait to get out there and start helping out and doing some good. I am really looking forward to the first meeting that I have to go to on Thursday. Apparently I have to attend four weeks and then decide if it’s for me. Is it selfish to say that I think I might benefit from doing this just as much as the people they come into contact with?  Really relishing the chance to meet people again, learn new skills, etc. I’m sure you’ll be hearing more about this in the future.

Looks like I’ll have things to do again very soon! YAAY

I also got a second contact for the volunteering service at the local hospital, but so far I haven’t been able to get in touch. Will keep tying though.

Oh oh… I took the first dose of Metformin today… and I haven’t felt sick at all but I failed to get hungry and forgot to eat dinner.  This getting three meals a day continues to be a pain in my behind :S

Speaking of the medication… I went to see the Patient Advice and Liaison Service (PALS) about my recent disastrous doctor’s appointment.  This is breaking new ground for me. Usually when I have a bad experience I just suck it up and move on… maybe – no definitely – bitching about it to my closet friends along the way  and/or refusing to go back. I really was so darn irritated after my appointment on Thursday, but I didn’t know where to turn. Google is your friend, or actually in this case maybe Gadget Guy’s friend.  He found me the details of this organization.  The tag line: NHS Wirral Have your say ~ so I decided for once that’s just what I would do instead of bitching and moaning. I’ll go and talk to someone who might be able to help, make sure it doesn’t happen again to me or anybody else for that matter. I actually found the service very friendly and approachable. I was able to tell the representative all about my issues. I mentioned all the issues that I talked about in my post:  the lack of eye contact, how I didn’t feel like what I said was being acknowledged and that I felt pushed out the door before my concerns were properly addressed. It was all noted – I even got to check over what had been written.  I can’t tell you how good I feel for having somebody official LISTEN to what I had to say. Anyhow, upshot of all this was I had the option to have the PALS’ representative call the surgery and complain for me but I decided instead just to keep the information on file in case of further issues (basically because I think a lot of the issue may have been that the doctor didn’t have my medical notes and that’s not her fault) but I will not hesitate to go back again if I am not given more respect in the future!

I’m not gonna be Miss Shut Up and Put Up With It anymore

Ali xX

K.S.: I looove watching Dancing with the Stars from the US. The show has me dancing in my chair lol (there will be no video evidence of this )

Can I have a word… Doctor !?

I hate doctor’s appointments. Really really HATE. I’m not too sure who is to blame for this; either the NHS and their stooopid 10 minute appointment time  or the individual doctor,  but either way I came away from our brief encounter today feeling down right depressed and pretty worthless. I didn’t actually get any of my questions answered. I still don’t have any explanation for the things I don’t understand that are going on with my own body. All you seemed interested in was whether I was about to collapse and die today.  If the answer is no then I should just STFU and move along. At least that’s how it felt! You failed to even look up from typing away on your laptop ONCE during the whole ordeal.  So I’m there trying to have a conversation about some quite personal issues and I feel like I’m interrupting. THAT’S NOT RIGHT.  OK, so, granted what you were actually doing was making notes, but, hay doc, for all your intelligence I’ve got to tell you EYE contact works wonders. I’m human just like you, ya know! FFS I’m the one who’s actually dealing with this on a day to day basis. When you ask me what the issue is, I expect you to acknowledge my response at LEAST. Maybe even let me finish my sentence before you cut me off with some dismissive remark. I know you may see people in much worse states than me so to you this seems like nothing but it’s a big damn deal to me. Right now my health is making my life hard everyday.  I want to fix it, but I need advice and help support from someone who supposedly knows about these things – someone like you. It takes a lot to even get me in your office, so if I sat in front of you, give me some respect. Please!   Now I feel totally worthless another number. a statistic. A piece of meat. An item of curiosity. I’m so MAD.  I don’t feel like going back. Was that your aim!?  Because I tell you  3 months ago that’s what I would have done crawled back into the hole I came out of and not seen a doctor again for a good long while, but I’m different now.  I’ve got my fighting gloves on and I will not give up. I’m going to get control of this thing with or without your help but I sure could use you on my side.

Despite being told to wait till yesterday for my appointment so the new surgery would have my notes, I got there to find that you had no such information which makes both of our lives miserable. So when I asked about counseling, I got a shrug. I asked about medication for PCOS and I got a prescription. Oh and then I got showed out the door because obviously I was only there because I wanted pills. For God sake what will it take for somebody to actually sit down and explain things to me in a way I can understand? What do I have to do just to feel like someone is honestly listening when I talk and not thinking about the previous patient or what they are going to have for lunch? I need somebody to look at the whole picture here, not just how I feel in the 10 minutes I’m in your office. IS ANYBODY LISTENING?? DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY WANT TO HELP!??

And another thing… if  as it appears you have no clue what PCOS actually is or what the best advice for me might be, could you at least make some attempt to either find out or put me in touch with somebody who does know?  is that too much to ask? Don’t fob me off.  If you don’t know – SAY SO. I won’t think any less of you. Honest. Until 2 years ago I had no clue either!

Oh and thanks so much for the last minute referral to the diet & lifestyle clinic.   an appointment time given to me on a scrap of screwed up paper that looks like its a rude note that’s been passed round a class room a few times before it got to me. Thanks. That made me feel just great. Yes I KNOW I’m overweight. Yes I know it’s not good for me… believe it or not I want to do something about it to. UH HUH I care. I’ve tried so many diets before I can’t even list them all. Does the person running this clinic actually know what PCOS is? Will they be able to help me control it with diet… or will they just be another person who see’s my failing attempts to lose weight, assumes I’m lazy and looks down on me?. Because, seriously, I’m not sure how many more condescending clueless people I have room for in my life right now.

Your very frustrated and desperate patient

Ali xX

Today … I suck

See the very last line of my post yesterday “I must remember to call the doctor tomorrow morning”… uh huh FAILED.  I slept right through the 8am till 10 AM window for making appointments. The one morning I have something I NEED to do, that’s when I sleep. Sods *censored* law… I’m upset with myself. Usually I’d blame it on my ridiculously disorganized way but not this time. I was organized. I actually set an alarm. Yep it went off at 8, RIGHT BESIDE my face and still it did not wake me. Tomorrow = calling the doctor take 2. Uuuugh.

Finally I decided I would just go out. I had planned a trip to another beach by me so I could take photos just as I did yesterday. Sadly on the way I had one of those really sucky totally pants moments where you go to a cash point to obtain train fare and realize you really don’t have as much money in the old bank that you thought you had. PANTS. I turned tail and came home and spent a large portion of the day curled up with my book because I’m lagging behind and in danger of not finishing this book of the state side adventures of the narrow dog before the end of the month.

I don’t know if it’s this book or the number of narrow boat programs I’ve been watching lately, but I’m starting to believe living on a narrow boat might actually be a good idea.  This makes Kayak Man very happy and excited and scares the living daylights out of me. I mean I may actually be losing my mind but it seems like it could be fun and not totally impractical. At least if I don’t like the area we are in moving is not so much of an issue. See, I’m actually considering this doing the pros and con’s list in my head. Pleeease send help!

Feeling a tad down today after not being able to get the appointment I had mentally been gearing up for,  list of questions at the ready and everything. Not just that but I don’t really feel I achieved much instead of going to the doctor. Ho hum, hopefully more progress tomorrow.

Ali xX

K.S.: One of my closest mates found my blog today and her comments made me LMAO! (Isn’t it ironic that she happens to be a (totally trustworthy) Doctor? The world is laughing at me. I may as well join in )

Lotions, potions, pills … NEEDLES ?!

I finally got myself organized and out into the sunshine today to take my registration forms back to the new surgery, so I now OFFICIALLY have a new doctor (at least I will when the Practice Manager comes back from holiday and puts my details on system,. but I have faith.  Part of my new positive thinking drive). So, don’t let me forget I need to call and make my first actual appointment on Wednesday morning around 8am … 8am?!!  Some nights I’m just crawling INTO bed at 8am… so far I’m feeling good about the change. It looks like I might be able to get counseling and dietician appointments at the same place, both things that are on my list of actions I think I need to take to get on top of the health situation and stay there! (The list… that I actually have to write down ON PAPER before Wednesday with a list of questions /concerns too!) Yes, I may actually be doing more preparation for this appointment than some of the exams I have taken in my life.  It may seem crazy, but I’m trying this new approach as a “head fake”. You know, a way to convince my brain that I am confident,  I know what I need and I can admit what I don’t understand  NOT… NOPE… NOT at all worrying myself silly about talking to a doctor I don’t know and telling them all this stuff that I really don’t WANT to share. My brain is not convinced yet… must write list .. MUST write list!  

I’ve been offered counseling before but it’s never really worked out for me. I find the idea that I’m expected to open up to someone I just met frankly quite laughable… (As you can see from the slightly neurotic nature of the above paragraph). Truthfully they would probably gain more insight from reading this silly thing than physically talking to me.  Previous attempts have been epic failures where either we’ve sat in awkward silence the whole time twiddling our thumbs as I proceed to read every single information poster, picture, even the titles of books on a book shelf, just to avoid eye contact while trying to use the power of my mind to make the phone RING so they can talk to someone else OR the opposite approach – I give my standard reply “I’m ok” followed by “no, really, I’m fine.” I go off yakking about something totally random… we end up laughing and… and they wind up agreeing with me “you’re fine!” we shake hands… smiles… have a nice life  and I never have to go back into that awkward uncomfortable place where someone might actually see me FAILING to deal with stuff  and call me out on it again…YAAAY !!!

*head -> desk* Have I told you that I majored in drama? ACTING…its WHAT I DO!   I’m really good at faking it… really good at plastering on a smile when I need to… putting on a mask… not revealing anything… showing you the side of me that IS OK…  and if you don’t know me well enough, like, for example, if we just met that afternoon – my experience is you won’t pick up on it, unless of course your reading this and I just told you.  If you are, let me tell you something else: there’s this whole other side of me that’s not coping, and if you bought my performance, that part of me is laughing at you and I’m not  make any progress.

Speaking of tangents… I had this really nuts dream last night. I went into space on a school trip to some settlement that looked like a cross between a dive bar in Star Wars and a motorway service station.  I was struggling to breathe and dying of heat, searching the gift shop for the “I’ve been to Saturn” fridge magnet without success. My subconscious obviously liked something about that Shuttle / Space Station discussion I was having with Gadget Guy… analyze that… on second thought -  don’t

So, yeah, decided to give counseling one final chance and this time I will actively TRY to disable my own defense mechanisms.  I don’t hold out much hope but at least I will have given it a shot.

 As for the dietician, well I need to get this diet / exercise thing going but there seems so much to consider with trying to manage PCOS, depression… and lose weight.  I think I need professional help and guidance.

Enough of that for now. On to some reading I’ve been doing lately about the benefits of acupuncture treatment for PCOS. Now given that I am deathly afraid of needles in a eeek eeek eeeek…OMG I can’t look! Hide my face in my hands and squeal like a 5 year old kind of way. I cannot believe I’m actually considering this, but I’m so desperate for improvement, I’ll try anything. Still more reading is needed because a large portion of my mind is still saying “you mean needles… SEVERAL of them… YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!”

 While I was doing this research today, I found a couple of links may prove useful:

The first is the link to the UK patient support group Verity. I still haven’t made the final decision to join yet, but they seem to have support groups set up in a few areas around the UK as well as holding a few national events open to all members. Their nest event is on 28th of March in Birmingham titled “PCOS Emotions Workshop 2009″

I even have this speck of an idea that if there’s not a support group in my area, I should go ahead and start one.  On the other hand it could be that the boy I live with and his passion for wild / crazy / hair brained schemes is rubbing of on me.

Are any of you already members, if so has it been helpful / worthwhile? 

The second link was a site I found selling supplements related to PCOS. It’s well organized; all the products are listed under the specific symptoms they are thought to help. It’s called PCOS Online. To be honest I find the amount of possible supplements a bit daunting. I’m only just starting out my research and I think I’ll consult my doctor before going on a shopping spree, lest I do some harm with a toxic combination or something, but if you’re searching for something specific it may be worth a look.

I feel like I’m only seeing the tip of a huuuge iceberg of information out there. There’s so much more to read, consider… BUT it feels so good to be doing something. I actually feel like I’m learning about myself mentally and physically.  I just have to accept that it’s not just my personality that makes me high maintenance.  My body is that way too.

Ali xX

K.S. I’m not alone .. and there’s help out there !

Things to do ..places to go..

Excuse me while I take a day to pick myself up… yup I moped far too much today and only actually went out for my walk after much hesitation, but I did go. So I am making small progress. Sometimes there’s nothing for it but to stick on some up and at ‘em tunes, turn the music up too loud, sing & dance your heart out (hairbrush or shampoo bottle in hand or not as the case maybe) till you feel better. I knowwww some women actually do this… amazing! It’s exactly what I did tonight. Thank your lucky stars this is a no video blog. My singing alone would scare those with a nervous disposition or young children. This is especially true since artists on my playlist include Elton John, Queen, Sheryl Crow and Cher. Chick flick moment over. This woman is on her feet again and ready to kick some PCOS butt! Be afraid… be VERY afraid LOL

I failed to get in touch with the job center again today and quite frankly it’s getting ridiculous! I’ve been trying to make contact for a couple of weeks now. Either nobody answers the phone or when a human does answer they SAY are gonna call back… mmhumm riiight… still waiting. All I Want is a flipping appointment. I know the economy is in melt down. I know the chances of me getting anywhere after being off all this time are slim to none. Ok… I get that! But hay I’m trying here. Is it too much to ask that I could have an appointment and TALK to somebody FACE to face? I’m actually being proactive – it’s not like your chasing me, I’m contacting you. I truly want to work on this but I need HELP and I have to make sure I’m not gonna do anything that will have the mysterious result that my benefit gets cut off just as I’m making progress with getting back on my feet. ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE! Ok ok… yesterday was my fault…you did call back and I was asleep. I grant you that the end of your work day is a stupid time for me to be snoozing, but when sleep is a luxury and not a daily ritual you take it where you can get it. But but BUT in my defense I had Jon wake me up right after you called and I rang BACK. Must have just missed you – office closed. Here’s hoping we can connect SOOON. I’m one very frustrated claimant, customer, client (or whatever the current politically correct way you refer to me is)

I must must must get this doctor thing sorted. You have my permission to get on my back and NAG me repeatedly about this until it is done. Talking with a friend last night I realized just how many things I need to tell or ask someone and for that I need to register at the correct surgery! In the past I’ve disliked doctors. Not personally, it’s just I find it hard to question them or admit when I don’t always understand what they are telling me. I feel like I’m not being listened to and quite frankly they make me feel stupid. I think this is a throw back to when I was growing up. I’ve had a lot of contact with doctors and hospitals over the years and many of my issues I’ve had since such a young age that the medical profession talked to my parents and I sat in the corner playing with Lego’s or bandaging my dollies head. It’s weird how I don’t really recall a transition point where someone explained these things to me. I’m sure there must have been attempts at least but I think I need a do over. So I’ll look at moving to the new surgery as a fresh start and try not to be so guarded as I have been before. If I think positive perhaps this time I can have a good relationship with my GP. I’m thinking I’ll have to make several trips this may take longer than the 10 minute slots the NHS allocates for an appointment unless we both practice our speed talking or something.

My BIG project for the weekend is to try and get my house tidy… crashed past that point where I can’t ignore it anymore. On Wednesday when I realized the place is in such chaos that its making me snappy and irritated. There’s clutter everywhere I look and I can’t find ANYTHING. The good thing is the fact that I’m noticing the mess its getting to me means my frame of mind must be improving. Depressed me is oblivious to clutter. How do you think the place got into this state… there’s no way I can tackle the whole thing. That would take a miracle worker or a visit from Kim And Aggie from “How Clean Is Your House?”, but I want to see major inroads or I’ll be having words with myself.. Going to be posting some pictures of the place whatever its state come Monday, so I had better get my ass into gear!

So much to do… so much to do.

Ali xX

K.S.: Jon making wonderful curry for dinner.