Smear campaign and cupcakes. (TMI ALERT! )

Woooo I am a naughty girl. I’ve been craving a chocolate cupcake for a few days now.  I used to eat them quite often but I kind of gave them up as part of that healthy living thing.  Somerfield (my local supermarket) best ever chocolate cupcakes have been on my mind.  I even had a dream about them. This craving was not going away, so tonight I indulged… and it felt good! Totally sucks that they only sell these sins in boxes of 4 …….so so naughty!

I’ve been terrible.  I haven’t even been near the Wii Fit in over a week. That’s terrible. It makes me feel guilty every time I go into the front room and see the thing lying there untouched. It knows… and now I don’t want to switch it on because it’s gonna tell me off and I’ll have put in like a bazillion pounds!  I can see that chart now… the line is gonna be right off the screen and it’s gonna scream at me “You lazy cow!!”

To make matters worse, I SLEPT through my healthy living clinic appointment. I’m scared of the nurse now, too, and I did so well last time I can tell you right now I’ve put those two pounds back on and then some!  I can’t believe I slept through my appointment… the shame. I was joking about it last night because, let’s face it, it’s no fun to go to a healthy living appointment when you have been living anything but healthy.  I wasn’t actually planning on missing the thing… honest judge!  Now I have to call and make a new appointment.  Maybe I can get one in two weeks time and just bust a gut to make things better :S  I hate calling the surgery. There’s another thing I’ve been avoiding. I don’t want to call to make this new appointment. I really don’t… because, you see, there’s another appointment I’ve been putting off. I got the dreaded letter in the post a few weeks ago and stuffed it somewhere conveniently out of sight. I’ve been not quite forgetting about it ever since.

The time has come… I am due for my first EVER smear test… and I DON’T WANNA GO!!! Now, to be fair, I have NO clue why it’s bothering me so much. I mean I’ve had internal… aherm… examinations… internal ultrasound and other such pleasantries that involve several people looking and touching, poking and removing bits of my most intimate areas without one ounce of fun or pleasure. It’s not like the embarrassing undignified legs akimbo position is new to me. Ohh no, how I wish that were so… and I love oh so much how each doctor has tired to make pleasant small talk while… aherm… working… WTF… do what you have to do and let me out of here.  I don’t wanna talk about the weather or what I’m doing at the weekend while you hands are… oh gawd I’m blushing… shhhhhhhh SHUT UP! It REALLY did not help me that the last time I went, said doctor was a young and ohhh so yummy gentleman. You really shouldn’t be thinking about these things while… but I was. I have to laugh about it or I’d cry. Really does not help that the magazine I had had grabbed to read while waiting was Time Out Chicago – the SEX edition. Nice move Ali. D’oh!!  Even after all this though, I’m scared of a routine smear. I don’t wanna do it.

Actually I’ve been dreading this time ever since my first internal examination when the nurse and consultant actually argued right in front of me about what age I should have said test. The nurse had scared me with a huuge lecture about not having been yet when my GP had told me I was still too young. Turns out the doctor was right and I escaped for a couple more years but NO MORE   I’m dreading this.

Before you start thinking how irresponsible I am, I KNOW how important this is and I WILL go… I promise. I just don’t wanna.

I’m drawing a line after the consumption of cupcakes and this week of bad behavior… back to good habits…

Ali xX

Ohhhhh!..so this is what motivation feels like …

OMG I got so much stuff done today I can’t believe it! I totally rocked today like a normal – not depressed no panic attack motivated – individual uh huh!  First I actually got up in time to call the doctor and make an appointment. I had to request to see a different GP after my awful experience last time. This guy was really nice and actually listened to me. There’s a novel idea – paying attention to what your patient is telling you.  He’s changed my Metformin prescription to the Extended Release version which I’m happy about and given me 4 weeks worth. Woohooo for not seeing the doctor for 4 whole weeks!  I also had to have him actually check out my tits because they have still been bothering me. Slightly odd having a discussion with your GP about US medical care while waiting for the female chaperone so he can grope your boobs, but hay I ain’t complaining. Thrilled to report my tits feel normal!  I actually didn’t think I could feel anything odd either, but you know I ain’t taking that chance.  No way. His conclusion: the pain is either hormonal or a result of a strain in my chest muscles. Good news! I’ll just grin and bare it I was feeling super organized for actually going round to the pharmacy to organize my pills on the same day after my appointment actually, I arrived home chuffed to bits with myself… UNTIL I open up Google Calendar and realize that I’m meant to be at the healthy living clinic… at the doctor’s surgery… the doctor’s surgery I JUST came in from. I’m meant to be there now!  D’oh… reverse!!! ..I turned right around and rushed back out again WITHOUT my healthy living paperwork. Poof goes any illusion that I’m organized. To make matters worse, the nurse I’m seeing was the very same nurse who was my chaperone. Yeah the same lady who just watched my tit examination. She smiles “you should have said  … I would have fitted you in before …”Uuh huh if I REMEMBERED I WOULD HAVE. Great. Now the nurse thinks I’m fat and dumb :S The good news is my blood tests all came back normal. Can I get a Woot Wooot for not being diabetic or having crippling cholesterol!?? Oh oh oh and another one for having lost 2 lbs since I last stepped on the dreaded scales two weeks ago… YAAAY for smaller numbers!

Leaving the doctors surgery for the SECOND time this morning, the sun was shining so bright and happy like I decided not to get back on the bus and walked into town instead. Yeah, you read that right… I walked 45 minutes into town not because I had to but I actually wanted to!!  I even remembered to stop along the way to find out some costs for shipping I have to do later this month.

I made an appointment to have my hair restyled and colored tomorrow. This is HUGE news for me. I never have a clue what to do with my hair. Its pretty much wave the white flag and surrender. It’s a mess. I always feel intimidated by anyone in a hair salon who assumes I know what they are talking about when they ask me if I want my hair layered or feathered. Mmhumm… who did you learn all this from… because I missed that class!?  And anyways you look like you know what you’re doing. Your hair is perfect so how about you DECIDE? You clearly have better judgment about these things than me.  You can see the tangled mess on my head, yes? I’m actually excited. The lady I spoke with today was much more approachable and I felt like I could actually talk to her. I’m also nervous as all hell because I’ve never had my hair professionally colored before. I did go black… oh oh and purple once… back in midst of my teen days.  There is no photographic evidence!

I got my eyes tested and ordered new glasses too. They should be ready in around a week… so I can check that off my list.

I went makeup shopping. Hurrah for new lippy and even mascara (sheesks this stuff should come with a free crash course on how to apply without making a royal mess)

I even called my job broker to let him know about my interview and arrange a little grant so I can buy a new shirt to wear. Yup, trying to be smart here. Most of the things I had for work have gotten a lot worse for wear since I haven’t had to dress that way for over 2 years.

I even remembered to get my multi-vitamins while I was out. There’s one shop in town I have to go to for them and I always seem to forget and end up making a special trip.. Today I remembered as I was passing… yay!

And and and… I got my nails done today! Uh huh… yeah… I now have shiny new nail extensions that I love… and despite a severe allergy to the color pink, I’m coping with the HOT PINK nail art design the technician painted on the tips quite well. Poll: how long before I can reasonably go back and get it replaced with something else? Me and PINK do not get along. The brighter the shade, the worse my problem, so this fluorescent glow in the dark… HOT PINK… ummm “not very Ali” would be the polite way of putting it.

PINK!

Seeeee!

After all this, I came home and collapsed for a little while… but I get bonus points for firmly resisting all junk and fast food while I was out and eating a very healthy lunch!  And the motivation thing did not stop there. I also finally got ‘round to E-mailing a response to my aunt to pass on to my dad. I even sent out a few pictures for him!

Mhummm… today I’m on fire. Blowing through my to do list. You know I like this motivation thing. I hope it hangs around for a while.

Ali   xX

K.S.: Mmmm… Ribs for dinner

The “E” thing ..its a nightmare.

It’s a pretty obvious thing to say, but I really do need food and sleep to make me happy. I’m struggling with both right now, so I’ve been kind of a mess for the last two nights. I’ve been having the most horrifying and vivid nightmares. I wake up suddenly, usually I’m shaking and this morning I almost threw up. They bother me the rest of the day almost as if the images are haunting me – making me restless and on edge and to be truthful, frightened to go back to sleep. Sometimes these things are so real I’m just left kind of dazed and confused. Crazy, I know.

The dentist past off without too much problem. The young girl dentist looked so young. I felt old. I feel awful, but I kind of thought she was the nurse – not because she’s female she just looked YOUNG. Some people have all the luck hehehe. She was real gentle and very nice – a much more pleasant experience than I has EVER had before. Yes, I have to go back to have some work done. Its not gonna be nice. I’m a total wuss in that dentist chair. The nerves make my fingers tingle and I flinch at any movement, even if nobody is touching my mouth. Hate the dentist. HATE.  Dentist Round Two at the end of May now. I just have an eye test to book, a doctor’s appointment to arrange, to get my hair cut… the list goes on.  Taking responsibility feels great!

Kayak Man and I are now the proud owners of a Wii and Wii Fit. I’m hoping to build up a daily exercise routine right at home in my front room. Yeah, I found out my Wii fit age and my BMI today.  Nope I’m not telling…yet. I did my first 30 min workout today and really broke a sweat, but I felt so proud of myself – after all it was a little boost. Don’t they say it takes 21 days for a new activity to become a habit? Hmm I wonder if that’s true? Because I just have got to find a way to make this “e” thing more of a habit.

Ali xX

K.S: Exercise and Fun… maybe two words that DO go together after all.

News : the good, the bad & the ugly.

Forgive me for failing to write anything yesterday. I did a lot more exercises than is usual for me and boy was I feeling it. My knees where creaking worse than an old rocking chair.  Why, you ask, did I push myself so far? Well, you see, I had my first session of actual First Aid training booked for yesterday. Unfortunately, I was also still lacking bus fare.  Yes, I could have missed it and joined the next course, but I have no idea when that would have been and I’m already joining this one half way through with a catch up session planned. I felt more comfortable with the idea of joining this course because I knew of two other newbies joining this week. Safety in numbers, I reckon, so I decided to walk it.  It took me about an hour to get into the center of Birkenhead. That’s way too long and just proves I’m so unfit.  You know it’s bad when you arrive and you hear “uugh I feel how you look!”  Hay but at least I was there with the motivational struggles I’ve had. I’m proud of that. Of course I had to walk an hour home again, too. My body is protesting today. In fact I was due to go back for the regular meeting tonight but just couldn’t face that walk again. It’s not a compulsory meeting. I won’t miss too much and of course I’ll be back next week.

Back tracking today… I’ve done nothing, barely got out of bed and had to be talked into eating because I so didn’t feel like it. The thought of food was making me ill and super fussy. There was just nothing I wanted to digest in the house. This is still a childish behavior and I should know better. I should have better control over my body… no food = no meds… and NO MEDS is bad! Yup, today I was an idiot and totally lame. I finally did eat a small portion of tinned fruit and I felt so full I could have sworn I was going to burst. Admittedly I had taken my Metformin too so I’m not sure what was making me feel so sick – the food or the pill. My heart was racing there for a little while. Sucks and so frustrating.

One thing I did notice today is just how used to swallowing pills my body has gotten. I mean, for example, when I was younger I would have trouble swallowing even one tiny little thing. Honestly, my mum used to hide the thing in a spoonful of jam or a slice of apple just to get me to take it  (yeah Gadget Guy did point out that’s how they give meds to dogs and cats. Thanks, dude ). But now, even tough I had been struggling to eat all frikkin’ day,  I can happily hold a selection of six or seven different pills in the palm of my hand, toss my head back and swallow them without thinking with the same ease as my beloved M&M’s. That’s nuts. I take so many of the things I’m surprised I don’t rattle like my pill box.

Medically: do you want the good news or the bad news? Let’s start with the bad, that way you know things are gonna get better. I got news about my dad today. Not good. He’s in a really bad way, has had another stroke I didn’t know about. Broke his hip too… refused physio treatment and is now permanently wheelchair bound. He was refusing to eat which they thought was depression…until they took him to the dentist. I’ll not go into everything that was wrong, but shit he must have been in pain for ages without saying anything (he doesn’t / can’t really talk much). The upshot of it all is the poor man has had ALL of his teeth removed. Kind of ironic since he spent most of his life developing, among other things, some of the most well known brands of toothpaste. Also ironic is that I have my first dentist appointment in about 2 years tomorrow. I have always hated the dentist, but that’s one thing I won’t be skipping out on ANYMORE!

I’m gutted to see my dad this way. He’s only 62. I experience so many different emotions with everything that’s gone on between us.  I feel like my brain just hit a brick wall and splattered a mess of feelings all over the place… guilt, anger, compassion… more guilt… some numbness. I don’t think I’m really ready to talk about it yet. Maybe when I’ve made some more sense out of things. It’s never cut and dry, is it?

The good news: my friend’s ultrasound was absolutely fine. Her due date is October 30th. Ohhhhh I want this kid to be born on Halloween so much… it just appeals to the former Goth in me. How cool would that be! I panicked about it the whole flipping day till she called me. I was a mess. It seems a little crazy… there was no reason to think anything would be wrong.. I just… I… I find myself always fearing the worst re: pregnancy. The worry makes me sick… physically SICK.

Other changes today: Gadget Guy worked his ass off to create a Health Journal for me – an easy place where I can record all my symptoms and feelings daily so I can keep an eye on things. I should have done this ages ago. He’s been kicking my ass about it for months. I need to keep better track of things so I can notice any changes.. I have dutifully promised to complete it everyday from now on… promises you make to close friends are serious things. I better not screw up.

Note to self: ALWAYS PAY ATTENTION WHEN CHECKING YOUR E-MAIL!!! .. Right under the message about my father… other important news:  I was so wrapped up in the dad thing I nearly missed it. Now I don’t want to jinx this. I’m so nervous. I’m not expecting anything at all… but…

*whispers really quietly* I have a job interview…

Ali xX

K.S.: I’m getting stronger… I may have had a bad day… but it was just one day not several and I am still anti depressant free.

Lotions, potions, pills … NEEDLES ?!

I finally got myself organized and out into the sunshine today to take my registration forms back to the new surgery, so I now OFFICIALLY have a new doctor (at least I will when the Practice Manager comes back from holiday and puts my details on system,. but I have faith.  Part of my new positive thinking drive). So, don’t let me forget I need to call and make my first actual appointment on Wednesday morning around 8am … 8am?!!  Some nights I’m just crawling INTO bed at 8am… so far I’m feeling good about the change. It looks like I might be able to get counseling and dietician appointments at the same place, both things that are on my list of actions I think I need to take to get on top of the health situation and stay there! (The list… that I actually have to write down ON PAPER before Wednesday with a list of questions /concerns too!) Yes, I may actually be doing more preparation for this appointment than some of the exams I have taken in my life.  It may seem crazy, but I’m trying this new approach as a “head fake”. You know, a way to convince my brain that I am confident,  I know what I need and I can admit what I don’t understand  NOT… NOPE… NOT at all worrying myself silly about talking to a doctor I don’t know and telling them all this stuff that I really don’t WANT to share. My brain is not convinced yet… must write list .. MUST write list!  

I’ve been offered counseling before but it’s never really worked out for me. I find the idea that I’m expected to open up to someone I just met frankly quite laughable… (As you can see from the slightly neurotic nature of the above paragraph). Truthfully they would probably gain more insight from reading this silly thing than physically talking to me.  Previous attempts have been epic failures where either we’ve sat in awkward silence the whole time twiddling our thumbs as I proceed to read every single information poster, picture, even the titles of books on a book shelf, just to avoid eye contact while trying to use the power of my mind to make the phone RING so they can talk to someone else OR the opposite approach – I give my standard reply “I’m ok” followed by “no, really, I’m fine.” I go off yakking about something totally random… we end up laughing and… and they wind up agreeing with me “you’re fine!” we shake hands… smiles… have a nice life  and I never have to go back into that awkward uncomfortable place where someone might actually see me FAILING to deal with stuff  and call me out on it again…YAAAY !!!

*head -> desk* Have I told you that I majored in drama? ACTING…its WHAT I DO!   I’m really good at faking it… really good at plastering on a smile when I need to… putting on a mask… not revealing anything… showing you the side of me that IS OK…  and if you don’t know me well enough, like, for example, if we just met that afternoon – my experience is you won’t pick up on it, unless of course your reading this and I just told you.  If you are, let me tell you something else: there’s this whole other side of me that’s not coping, and if you bought my performance, that part of me is laughing at you and I’m not  make any progress.

Speaking of tangents… I had this really nuts dream last night. I went into space on a school trip to some settlement that looked like a cross between a dive bar in Star Wars and a motorway service station.  I was struggling to breathe and dying of heat, searching the gift shop for the “I’ve been to Saturn” fridge magnet without success. My subconscious obviously liked something about that Shuttle / Space Station discussion I was having with Gadget Guy… analyze that… on second thought -  don’t

So, yeah, decided to give counseling one final chance and this time I will actively TRY to disable my own defense mechanisms.  I don’t hold out much hope but at least I will have given it a shot.

 As for the dietician, well I need to get this diet / exercise thing going but there seems so much to consider with trying to manage PCOS, depression… and lose weight.  I think I need professional help and guidance.

Enough of that for now. On to some reading I’ve been doing lately about the benefits of acupuncture treatment for PCOS. Now given that I am deathly afraid of needles in a eeek eeek eeeek…OMG I can’t look! Hide my face in my hands and squeal like a 5 year old kind of way. I cannot believe I’m actually considering this, but I’m so desperate for improvement, I’ll try anything. Still more reading is needed because a large portion of my mind is still saying “you mean needles… SEVERAL of them… YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!”

 While I was doing this research today, I found a couple of links may prove useful:

The first is the link to the UK patient support group Verity. I still haven’t made the final decision to join yet, but they seem to have support groups set up in a few areas around the UK as well as holding a few national events open to all members. Their nest event is on 28th of March in Birmingham titled “PCOS Emotions Workshop 2009″

I even have this speck of an idea that if there’s not a support group in my area, I should go ahead and start one.  On the other hand it could be that the boy I live with and his passion for wild / crazy / hair brained schemes is rubbing of on me.

Are any of you already members, if so has it been helpful / worthwhile? 

The second link was a site I found selling supplements related to PCOS. It’s well organized; all the products are listed under the specific symptoms they are thought to help. It’s called PCOS Online. To be honest I find the amount of possible supplements a bit daunting. I’m only just starting out my research and I think I’ll consult my doctor before going on a shopping spree, lest I do some harm with a toxic combination or something, but if you’re searching for something specific it may be worth a look.

I feel like I’m only seeing the tip of a huuuge iceberg of information out there. There’s so much more to read, consider… BUT it feels so good to be doing something. I actually feel like I’m learning about myself mentally and physically.  I just have to accept that it’s not just my personality that makes me high maintenance.  My body is that way too.

Ali xX

K.S. I’m not alone .. and there’s help out there !

Do me a favor: Give the man a seat!

I have a confession:  when I got home last night I could not be bothered to cook and as it was late/dark /cold and I had panic issues, I went to the closest take away and got myself a veggie pizza. Very bad of me. Now I realize that I will have days when I break my own rules regarding diet, but boy am I paying for it today. I feel guilty and bloated.

I may feel weak about the diet slip up, but I am not weak. I pulled myself together and went out to Liverpool today, just like I told you I would. I was shopping for hours and the place was busy. I’d like to be able to tell you that the day passed without incident but well that wouldn’t exactly be telling the truth.  You see, I made a fatal error. I asked Jon to come shopping with me after the panic I got myself into. I thought I would cope better. I should of course have realized that taking a guy like Jon clothes shopping with me would only end in disaster. I have to add here that in fairness, it’s not his fault. He was really really patient with me for several hours, which only proves that he was trying really REALLY hard. I had a list of things I needed to get ready for my trip this weekend and I wasn’t having much luck finding anything that actually looked ok on me rather than just fitting me. :S With hindsight I should have gone on my own. Things came to head when a very uncomfortable man being pushed to his limits by a girl with a shopping addiction just wanted to sit down, was relieved to find that the fitting room had a couch at the entrance. He was just launching into a rant for the benefit of anyone who would listen along the lines of “aaahhh… finally… a seat. These things should be mandatory in all these stores” as I dived into the cubicle to try on my items. As I heard the assistant tell him “I’m sorry you can’t sit there … there are some chairs over by the shoes” even I’m going WHAT the… it made no sense to me. I mean I guess, yeah, the couch was technically just sitting on the carpet that marked the fitting room as different to the shop floor but jebus, let the guy sit down. There are cubicles here, there are locks and what’s more there is NOBODY else in the place. Do you realize the trouble you have just caused me, woman? I mean I can practically hear the steam coming out of his ears from here.   You’re lucky that he’s only going to blow up at me later and not give you a piece of his mind right here.

I came out of the changing room knowing there would be trouble of some kind, and sure enough I couldn’t see Jon anywhere.  Cue panic. I was already stressing over how long this trip had been taking. Now I can’t see him ANYWHERE and the longer I’m looking the more and more aware I am that I’m still wearing the shops clothes. He must have left. I’m edging over to the door desperately trying to convey to the security guard my best “I’m not about to make a run for it honest ” face because by now he has totally noticed me. Eventually, I spied his reflection in the window of the shop next door and somehow was able to attract his attention and all ended well – but for a few minutes there I really thought I was going to have to spent my budget paying for clothes I had just thrown up on…

Anyways, onto the good news… I found everything I needed for my trip and a few extras. What can I say… it happens especially when these extras are adorable. Gosh I would feel sexy in those thigh high boots. I was right – I DO feel great in them. So much so that I’m not even sorry I caved-in to the shoe thing again!!

I’ve picked my book for this month. I’ll be reading:

Narrow Dog to Indian River (by English narrow boat through an America nobody knows) Written by Terry Darlington  

The blurb on the back starts like this:

“Nobody has ever sailed an English narrow boat in the USA before … for reasons that become clear during the nine month voyage of the Phyllis May – Including 30 mile sea crossings ,blasting heat, tornados, hurricanes ,starving alligators, killer fish ,insects from hell and the walking dead.”

I got this far and I’m already chuckling at the idea of anyone sailing a brightly colored narrow boat anywhere in the US. That takes guts, in my book. What a cool idea. I wish I’d thought of it… hehe… but when I read that this adventure takes place in the Deep South and that one third of the crew is a whippet named Jim, I have high hopes that this book will have me laughing out loud. How could I not read it! Hoping I’m not disappointed.

On a more boring but practical note: I’ll also be reading Polycystic Ovary Syndrome the facts by Mohgah Elsheikh & Caroline Murphy this month as part of my effort to become more informed. I hear this rumor that knowledge is power, ya see.

The book is recommended by Verity the PCOS patient support group over here in the UK. I’m thinking about joining when I can – just a small matter of the £25 a year membership fee, which to me seems very reasonable. I want access to all the information I can and hopefully I could connect to some other women in my situation that way too     
I’m awarding myself a pat on the back today because I actually got off my backside and went swimming this evening for the first time in years – part of that whole “find exercise I can enjoy” idea. I chose swimming because one of the things on my list of issues is the fact that my left knee is screwed. It’s prone to swelling and can be painful after activity. In the water the exercise has less impact on your joints. It’s a bonus that I’m a total water baby – so I actually find swimming fun and relaxing.  Oddly I’m only self conscious about the way I look in a bathing suit when I’m not in the water. I had to grit my teeth and ignore this feeling tonight, but I did it.  I was only in the pool for 40 minutes of the hour session but it’s a start.  At the end of the day I might look awful but at least I’m trying to do something about it.  That’s what I keep telling myself anyway. I’m happy to report that my knee is fine tonight. While I was in the pool I was very aware of the difference in muscle strength / tone between my left and right leg – a difference I hadn’t really felt before. Hopefully this will improve too if I keep making a splash in the pool.

I’m going away to Scotland for the weekend tomorrow and I haven’t even finished packing yet ! but I’ll be taking  good old fashioned pen and paper with me so I can write each day and post when I get back. I’m not sure whether I’m more nervous about the trip or more excited. Keep you fingers crossed for me it goes well think positive!

See you on Monday

Ali xX 

K.S.: I say it again … LOVE my new boots!

Pain free grilling.

I have two words for you: PAIN FREE!  I have no pain today… none.  Admittedly I feel a little shaky. Still, I’m tired and I felt like I was over heating most of the day, but I did not HURT! This is amazing. It’s like day 2 and I’m a functioning like a normal human being. Wooohoooooo!  And the PMS still hasn’t caught up with me I’m so calm its almost creepy. I keep waiting for it to show up unexpected and offend, but really even my inability to get someone at the job center to ANSWER THE PHONE in the past three days didn’t provoke my hormonal rage. So far still no success at getting an appointment there, though. no progress on the job front :S

You’ll be glad to know I ate my oats this morning. In fact, I had three normal – dare I say it – healthy meals. Whilst I was swallowing the various supplements that I take with my main meal, it suddenly dawned on me I have taken NO pain killers over the past two days.  This is completely unheard of. I say it again – YAAAY!! (Long may things continue this way).

Let me tell you about my shopping.  Yes, I was OUT all day today shopping. I’m feeling smug and very proud of myself for resisting the urge to buy yet another pair of heels. Instead I made it home having only purchased things that are somehow part of my plan. I treated my left knee to a good quality wrap-around knee support thus removing one of my many excuses for not doing the “E” thing. I also bought myself a quality set of baking tins so that when I *DO* start excersising I can then undo some of my good work making all things yummy! Hay – cooking more was part of the plan too! 

 There was a meeting. Memos were exchanged, pro’s and cons discussed.  Jon and I decided to invest in the lean mean grilling machine that’s known as a George Foreman Grill and Griddle to the rest of the world. It’s been part of our household less than a day and I think I’m falling in love! The whole idea is to get me into the kitchen. Should also be a bit healthier too having the fatty drippings drip off.  We both agreed there’s only one thing that would be appropriate to break in a new grill – STEAK! I’m so happy to finally be able to get a great tasting piece of medium rare meat at home with – lets face it – very little effort on my part (I don’t order steak out in the UK because I never get it cooked how I like and its always so disappointing ).  Thank you George!

I’ve decided to look for a good food/diet magazine I can subscribe to. I’ll use the cash I’ll be saving NOT buying MAOAMS (I’ve been clean now for 7 whole days!) not really sure which mag yet, so I’m shopping around for ideas.

On the healthy eating front: it’s time for another little exchange. Seen as I’ve now mastered eating breakfast, small changes should hopefully lead me to succeed. For this second exchange I’m giving up fizzy drinks. Uh huh, you heard me right.  No more Coke, Pepsi , Sprite or the like for me  (in fairness, actually, I’m just giving up having them in the house – out at the pub is allowed for now. better that than drinking straight shots. Trust me, Ali doing shots only ever ends UGLY). Originally I had planed just to switch my pop choices to the diet equivalent but recently I’ve read that the aspartame in these artificially sweetened drinks can interfere with the receptors for certain hormones connected to PCOS so there would be little benefit in switching to diet. Sadly for people with insulin resistance apparently it’s when the sweet taste hits your tongue it makes your body think that you’re consuming sugar and therefore insulin is produced, but there is no sugar to be processed.  The advice I read was if you must have artificially sweetened drinks, drink them with food because then the insulin that is produced will have something to work with. Makes sense to me, so I’m going to try and kick this habit too – replacing these drinks with water as much as possible (I find water really hard to drink. I’m looking for simple ways to give it just a hint of flavor to make it easier on me to begin with) I’ve also started drinking a small glass of cranberry juice each day because seemingly it’s full of Vitamin C, and antioxidants. It tastes great too!  I can already see the change to water is going to be a personal battle, but I am determined to make it. In the end, it will be so good for me.  

Lastly, I want to share a piece of possible glimmer of hope with you.  My friend Caty E-mailed me a link to this article in the New Scientist.  Here’s a quote:

As women with polycystic ovarian syndrome get older, the chance of getting pregnant may be higher. There may be an explanation for this. As women age, fewer follicles are produced each month, and in most this reduces fertility. With PCOS, however, fewer follicles may have the opposite effect: it may stop the hormonal interference and cause follicles to release eggs normally.

The hypothesis is backed up by other studies that have shown that the menstrual cycles of women with PCOS tend to become more regular as they age (Human Reproduction, vol 15, p 24). Marcelle Cedars, a reproductive endocrinologist at the University of California, San Francisco, points out that it also chimes with a recent finding that hormone treatments can coax immature follicles to produce eggs.

“They might hit their reproductive peak a little bit later than other women,” says Richard Legro, a gynecologist at Penn State Milton S. Hershey Medical Center in Hershey, Pennsylvania. “When we see more data to that effect we’ll revise what we tell them.”
Now, Caty summed this up best: “I know it’s only the findings from a couple of studies, and the doctors aren’t yet going to be changing their advice to people with PCOS on the back of it – but you never know. Might be a piece of good news.”

I’m not gonna be pinning my hopes on it or anything, but its nice to know that there are people looking into this! I hope they keep up the good work – which in reality means I hope they continue to get the funding to keep up the good work  

Ali xX

K.S.: Got train tickets, will travel! Scotland here I come.

It can’t be … OMG it is…

 

A PLAN!!

 

Things I need to do. What I have to change to go from being the mess I am now to the person I used to be – even the person I want to become. Its not gonna be earth shattering.  We’re thinking small baby steps here. Got it? Of course part of the plan is to add more steps as we progress, but you shouldn’t try to run before you can walk – you end up flat on your face and giving up again. So, here goes…

 Roughly speaking the plan can be broken into two main areas: I’m labeling these “Get a Grip” and “Get a Life”.  “Get a Grip” will be reserved for all the things I have to do – you know the things I should have been doing this whole flipping time.  Dare I say maybe this is the stuff that landed me here, mostly to do with the health situation? whereas “Get a Life” will be reserved for the things I want to do – goals I want to achieve, hobbies I’d like to pursue – generally rebuilding my life. Re-injecting the FUN.

“Get a Grip”

• First and most important, I must ask for help. I don’t understand a lot of this health stuff and I need to. This means actually finish registering with the correct GP.  No more traveling an hour to get to the old surgery because I end up not going. I will write a list of all the issues I need to bring up before I go and I must make sure that they are talked about or further appointments are arranged to deal with my concerns.  I will not feel bad for taking up the doctors’ time anymore.  That’s what they are paid for and I deserve attention just like anyone else who is worried sick about their health (or just sick of course!)  
• Second, I will commit to my medication.  This means that I will not be ashamed to take anti depressant medication when I need it. I will ask about resuming drug treatment for PCOS. I will actually take my multi vitamin every day and will try adding evening primrose oil hopefully to fight the curse of mood swings. But wait – there’s more… I am going to find out about each drug I’m taking – read about it and make informed choices. I’m fed up of popping pills because someone tells me to. It’s not that I don’t trust doctors but I should know what’s going into my body and why!         
• Third, I will take responsibility for my diet. Yup, cutting the junk food, adding more veg, cooking for myself more – all these good things.  I will ask for a referral to a dietician and read up on controlling PCOS and depression/anxiety through diet making changes accordingly
•  Fourth, fitness. Yes, this means the dreaded “E” word: exercise. I’m going to make an effort to find types of exercises that I enjoy and stick to them. I say make an effort, because I’m trying to be realistic and the “E” thing… that’s a big ask for me but I will try
• Fifth, weight. I want / need / must lose some.  Hopefully 3 & 4 will help with that, but I must try to be realistic with PCOS. It will be tough and I may not see many results. I will try not to get disheartened, focusing instead on being a healthier person. I will state right now that I would only be open to weight loss surgery if and only if it was with a view to some type of fertility treatment and even then as a last resort.    
• Lastly, (warning guys this may be TMI) I will keep a proper record of my moods, any symptoms, and any bleeding / periods  by writing them down… somewhere… so that I can try to establish if there are any patterns or similarities . I’ve been talking about this for ages with a friend (well really he’s been nagging me… and he’s right).  I will actually set up a health journal.

“Get a Life”

•  First, I will force myself to get better at keeping in touch with my friends – by calling, emailing, even – shock horror – visiting as finances permit and I will l try to be more open with them about what’s actually going on (wish me luck with this)
• Second, I will look for a job. I want one – to help with 1 but also because I’m so sick of being out of work and claiming benefit.  I know that times are hard and that I’ve been out of work for 2 years so it will be hard, but I will keep looking.  at the same time, though, I will not take just any job at risk of making myself  ill again trying to avoid one step forward two steps back . I will take small steps, so part time work would probably be better right now
• Third, I will do more things that I enjoy: taking up my cross stitch again, reading a book each month for pleasure, trying to see a movie at least once a month… maybe even going to the theatre (again money allowing ). I will learn to cook more because I do enjoy it.  I may even try to find a theatre group to become involved in… maybe .
• Fourth, I will go out everyday, even if it’s just for a short walk.  I will try to pay more attention to the world around me and I will not give up. I will beat the panic attacks for they are “STOOPID”, ANNOYING AND WRONG 
• Fifth, I will NOT give up on my dream. Ok, the kids thing is kind of out of my hands (rooting for science and technology though ) Plan B: I’ve always wanted to travel around America and write a book about it. Well, really I’d give my right arm to move there. I can’t see a way for that to happen at the moment, but I won’t give up. In the mean time, I will find out all I can about this country that I love – its culture, history, politics and people – with a particular interest in baseball of course. I will take-on as many fact finding missions to this place of wonder as I can (afford)  
• Finally, I will teach myself to take better pictures because they hold memories.  

*breathes * 

TA daaa… there it is… my Master Plan. Feel free to comment but be gentle. If you can’t be nice be aware that I am free to ignore you

Disclaimer

This is a process ok I will not change overnight. I’m only human. I can’t promise that I will stick to all of it all of the time, but I will try my best and I will not give up!

 

 Ali xX