If at first you don’t suceed…

Third time lucky! I have finally had my occupational health check with the hospital and I’m happy to report I got the all clear. It was far less intimidating than I thought it might be, in fact. The department is tiny and staffed by a handful of very friendly nurses and doctors. It was explained to me that they had to call me in due to the amount of further information I had added on their health questionnaire, but that it shouldn’t be a problem because I had disclosed everything. After talking it all over, it was decided that while these things are a pain in the backside for me they shouldn’t actually limit my ability to do the jobs I’ll be given as a volunteer so long as I myself keep an eye on things. And so the letter was signed and another step in this process checked off.  Now I just need to wait for the CRB check to come back. This could take a while given the number of address changes I have had but I’m not anticipating any issues. So today I feel much more confident that the volunteering thing will actually happen. YAY! I was even mature enough to have a blood sample taken without prior warning to psyche myself up for needles and the like. Uh huh… I watched. I did not freak out when the nurse told me I had a really deep vein and spent some time trying to find it.  I did not have a panic attack.  I refused her offer to let me come back and have the blood drawn later (because you knoow how long it would have taken for me to get off my butt and organize that) AND  I DID NOT PASS OUT  afterwards, even though I did feel a tad dizzy and eww … Go me!

I also received the paperwork today for another volunteer opportunity that I’m really excited about because this one offers the possibility that I’ll get some work experience actually on the maternity wards.  I have the first interview session on Monday, so I’ll be form filling again this weekend and hopefully the process will start all over again for a second hospital. At least I’ll be less nervous this time!

I finally gave in and called college to try and find out when my start date will be and ask about my special needs assessment that I thought was part of the conditions of my offer, only to be told I have been made an unconditional offer of a place so I will definitely be going to school in September. I can’t wait, now – so excited! I did also find out that there is no confirmed start date as of yet as the course leader is away on her summer vacation, but it will be sometime at the beginning of September and I’ll hear as soon as they know. Well that puts some of my plans on hold till I have the information, but at least I’m not sitting here freaking out that something has gone amiss. I now know that nobody enrolling on the course has heard and it’s not JUST me … what a relief!

All in all, things are moving along… just slowly…

Been struggling for a couple of days now with awful headaches and a little disturbed vision. In fact, I’ve been in bed resting as much as I can falling in and out of sleep and unable to focus on much. Turns out my blood pressure reading was too high today at the health check and I have to go see my GP for a follow up check. So maybe the headaches are related to that.

Yes, I’ll make sure to book the appointment… soon

Ali xX

THE appointment

I’d been dreading today’s appointment ever since I made it for two reasons: there was the unknown of a smear test and all the horror stories I’d heard from all sides – even the receptionist at my practice had told me it would be more painful because of my lack of a proper cycle. All I have to say is seriously I have no idea what all the fuss was about. This test is so important and if all the things you could have done which involves a medical professional poking around in that area  this really is NO BIG DEAL… and mine took longer than most because the nurse was unable to see the whole of my cervix and was shifting around in there for a while. Look girls, it’s an odd sensation sure. It’s not something I’d look forward to and if you’ve never been in that position before I can see how it would be a little embarrassing but I’m here to tell you not to stress. There’s no need. So, if like me you’ve been avoiding this thing for too long, just go on – book the thing. The worry is much worse than the actual event. I promise.

Me? Well I have to wait. There’s a chance that the nurse was not able to get a good sample so I’ll have to go and get retested and let the gyne “dig around in there” (Mrs. Nurse’s words – not mine.. you have to giggle)  I’d like to avoid another “digging around” if possible. I mean heck now not only am I pissed because that whole system ain’t working right, but it looks wrong too.  The nurse actually thought it was due to lack of sexual activity. Bwahahaha I am SURE that’s not the case. Let’s hope I don’t need a do over.

Second, the healthy eating. Yeah if you’ve been reading you know that I’ve been hiding from the Wii Fit now for too many weeks and to make matters worse I slept through my last weigh in. I was absolutely dreading stepping on those scales. Sure I’d be in for a huge lecture from Mrs. Nurse but when it came to it I have stayed the same weight. YAAAAAY omg so sooooo happy. I do not understand it, but I am grateful the scales cut me some slack. Now I have got to use this good news to get back into the Wii Fit and back on track!

Ali xX

Smear campaign and cupcakes. (TMI ALERT! )

Woooo I am a naughty girl. I’ve been craving a chocolate cupcake for a few days now.  I used to eat them quite often but I kind of gave them up as part of that healthy living thing.  Somerfield (my local supermarket) best ever chocolate cupcakes have been on my mind.  I even had a dream about them. This craving was not going away, so tonight I indulged… and it felt good! Totally sucks that they only sell these sins in boxes of 4 …….so so naughty!

I’ve been terrible.  I haven’t even been near the Wii Fit in over a week. That’s terrible. It makes me feel guilty every time I go into the front room and see the thing lying there untouched. It knows… and now I don’t want to switch it on because it’s gonna tell me off and I’ll have put in like a bazillion pounds!  I can see that chart now… the line is gonna be right off the screen and it’s gonna scream at me “You lazy cow!!”

To make matters worse, I SLEPT through my healthy living clinic appointment. I’m scared of the nurse now, too, and I did so well last time I can tell you right now I’ve put those two pounds back on and then some!  I can’t believe I slept through my appointment… the shame. I was joking about it last night because, let’s face it, it’s no fun to go to a healthy living appointment when you have been living anything but healthy.  I wasn’t actually planning on missing the thing… honest judge!  Now I have to call and make a new appointment.  Maybe I can get one in two weeks time and just bust a gut to make things better :S  I hate calling the surgery. There’s another thing I’ve been avoiding. I don’t want to call to make this new appointment. I really don’t… because, you see, there’s another appointment I’ve been putting off. I got the dreaded letter in the post a few weeks ago and stuffed it somewhere conveniently out of sight. I’ve been not quite forgetting about it ever since.

The time has come… I am due for my first EVER smear test… and I DON’T WANNA GO!!! Now, to be fair, I have NO clue why it’s bothering me so much. I mean I’ve had internal… aherm… examinations… internal ultrasound and other such pleasantries that involve several people looking and touching, poking and removing bits of my most intimate areas without one ounce of fun or pleasure. It’s not like the embarrassing undignified legs akimbo position is new to me. Ohh no, how I wish that were so… and I love oh so much how each doctor has tired to make pleasant small talk while… aherm… working… WTF… do what you have to do and let me out of here.  I don’t wanna talk about the weather or what I’m doing at the weekend while you hands are… oh gawd I’m blushing… shhhhhhhh SHUT UP! It REALLY did not help me that the last time I went, said doctor was a young and ohhh so yummy gentleman. You really shouldn’t be thinking about these things while… but I was. I have to laugh about it or I’d cry. Really does not help that the magazine I had had grabbed to read while waiting was Time Out Chicago – the SEX edition. Nice move Ali. D’oh!!  Even after all this though, I’m scared of a routine smear. I don’t wanna do it.

Actually I’ve been dreading this time ever since my first internal examination when the nurse and consultant actually argued right in front of me about what age I should have said test. The nurse had scared me with a huuge lecture about not having been yet when my GP had told me I was still too young. Turns out the doctor was right and I escaped for a couple more years but NO MORE   I’m dreading this.

Before you start thinking how irresponsible I am, I KNOW how important this is and I WILL go… I promise. I just don’t wanna.

I’m drawing a line after the consumption of cupcakes and this week of bad behavior… back to good habits…

Ali xX

Doing as I’m told

Gadget Guy says I have to write, so I’m trying to do just that. Something’s been happening with me.   I’m letting things slide again.  I haven’t done my Wii Fit in a good few days.  I didn’t keep up with my health dairy, even though I promised him I would, which makes me feel like utter crap.  Things are sliding and slipping back to a bad place and I don’t know WHY.

At this precise point in time I can’t even begin to reason why I feel God awful…  like spaced/out of it,  not in my own head, somewhat disconnected. its kind of weird. I’m hovering in this odd place where panic attack,  crying fit,  throwing up and passing out all meet…, with no idea which way I’m gonna go really. what I want to do is go and hide in bed, cuddle up with somebody and feel safe  because I don’t feel safe right now. I feel pretty out of control and quite scared.

So the deal between me and this Gadget Guy friend of mine is that I will try to do what he tells me and he won’t ask too much or tease me or push me too much because he knows I’ll just snap and either cry or scream or run away from him and his help.  I’ve done the first thing he asked me: I’ve got my health diary as up to date as I can, writing everything that’s happened to me over the last 3 days. Now I’m doing the second thing he asked: I’m here… writing… trying to make connections and put into words to my jumbled mess of thoughts.

I started feeling bad tonight about half way through my 2 hour First Aid training session (no, there were no gory pictures or recreated wounds that upset me or grossed me out .. so it’s not that). I got a sharp pain above my left eye and a stinking headache. I lost all focus and stopped really listening to what I was being told. My chest was racing.  It can’t have been too bad because I was still able to respond. I got up and practiced all my bandages and did everything I was asked, but inside I didn’t feel like all of me was present in that room. Apparently I looked miserable, so said the teacher who asked if I was ok. Yeah I’m ok; it’s just a headache and possibly a panic attack. Now when I have panic problems the last thing I need is anyone to draw attention to me, so of course i just said I was ok. I WAS ok coming home which might be due to the fact that I was chatting away to a friend on the phone and not really thinking about what I was doing. I’ve had something to eat. I’ve taken all my meds today… and I just don’t feel good.

In fact, odd things have been going on for a few days now. It kind of started on Monday… well actually early Tuesday morning for me. I was watching this weeks episode of Dancing With the Stars over the interwebs and chatting away with Gadget Guy when suddenly I was hit with the most awful cramping.  I mean bent double moaning. Total surprise. Comes out of nowhere and takes your breath away PAIN. It was intense but didn’t last long at all.  In fact it was over by the time the show finished and all I was left with was a dull ache like that part of my body had been through something. I thought nothing of it. I slept ok and woke up fine.

Woke up fine mmhumm… did not stay that way.  I was an emotional mess yesterday,  in fact I count the damage as 1 emotional meltdown to the point of tears over something stooopidly silly. I’ll tell you about it sometime but it probably merits a post all of its own.  This was before I came online and spent the afternoon getting more and more frustrated to the point of tearing my hair out and throwing a hissy fit in Gadget Guy’s face. Actually I’d say I snapped at him pretty effectively. Let me just explain… we’re those type of friends that are close enough  and know each other well enough that we bicker and tease ALOT… its just how we are. It’s not hurtful or mean. It’s just what we do.  Yeah, admittedly yesterday we spent a large amount of time talking about the few things that cause tension between us and that always makes me (needlessly) nervous and stressed. I mean, if we were gonna fall out over anything, what we were working on yesterday afternoon would probably be it… and I just don’t want to fall out with him. Somewhere in the middle of what we were doing I was hit by a wave of the most awful fatigue. I mean seriously it’s like going from fine to exhausted in less than 60 seconds. It SUCKS. Again, trouble focusing, all over body weakness and so so tired beyond tired. I get over sensitive when this happens.  Repetitive noises bother the hell out of me.  I mean like drive me demented. Must find them and make them STOP NOW  or I may start smashing things. Loud noises are bad. Music is awful… and all that playful teasing we were doing  becomes totally not fun anymore. It feels like it hurts and he’s pushing me. God damn it this guy is SOOOOOOO FRUSTRATING!!!  I had to walk away… HAD TOO. Now let me say it was not his fault. He wasn’t doing anything that is not normal behavior between us and we both were laughing about it, me through gritted teeth admittedly. He wasn’t mean or abusive (pffft Gadget Guy getting abusive LMAO that notion in itself is just so silly it makes me laugh) it was My Problem, hormonal or otherwise. I don’t know.

So cramps Monday… moody, irritable and suddenly exhausted Tuesday… and now this near panic attack, moody… about to throw up/keel over thing tonight.

WHAT the HELL is going on… and HOW do I get it back under control!???

There… I’ve done what my good friend asked of me ….can I go to bed yet?  Without CRYING my eyes out and embarrassing myself if possible!

I feel so broken.

Ali xX

News : the good, the bad & the ugly.

Forgive me for failing to write anything yesterday. I did a lot more exercises than is usual for me and boy was I feeling it. My knees where creaking worse than an old rocking chair.  Why, you ask, did I push myself so far? Well, you see, I had my first session of actual First Aid training booked for yesterday. Unfortunately, I was also still lacking bus fare.  Yes, I could have missed it and joined the next course, but I have no idea when that would have been and I’m already joining this one half way through with a catch up session planned. I felt more comfortable with the idea of joining this course because I knew of two other newbies joining this week. Safety in numbers, I reckon, so I decided to walk it.  It took me about an hour to get into the center of Birkenhead. That’s way too long and just proves I’m so unfit.  You know it’s bad when you arrive and you hear “uugh I feel how you look!”  Hay but at least I was there with the motivational struggles I’ve had. I’m proud of that. Of course I had to walk an hour home again, too. My body is protesting today. In fact I was due to go back for the regular meeting tonight but just couldn’t face that walk again. It’s not a compulsory meeting. I won’t miss too much and of course I’ll be back next week.

Back tracking today… I’ve done nothing, barely got out of bed and had to be talked into eating because I so didn’t feel like it. The thought of food was making me ill and super fussy. There was just nothing I wanted to digest in the house. This is still a childish behavior and I should know better. I should have better control over my body… no food = no meds… and NO MEDS is bad! Yup, today I was an idiot and totally lame. I finally did eat a small portion of tinned fruit and I felt so full I could have sworn I was going to burst. Admittedly I had taken my Metformin too so I’m not sure what was making me feel so sick – the food or the pill. My heart was racing there for a little while. Sucks and so frustrating.

One thing I did notice today is just how used to swallowing pills my body has gotten. I mean, for example, when I was younger I would have trouble swallowing even one tiny little thing. Honestly, my mum used to hide the thing in a spoonful of jam or a slice of apple just to get me to take it  (yeah Gadget Guy did point out that’s how they give meds to dogs and cats. Thanks, dude ). But now, even tough I had been struggling to eat all frikkin’ day,  I can happily hold a selection of six or seven different pills in the palm of my hand, toss my head back and swallow them without thinking with the same ease as my beloved M&M’s. That’s nuts. I take so many of the things I’m surprised I don’t rattle like my pill box.

Medically: do you want the good news or the bad news? Let’s start with the bad, that way you know things are gonna get better. I got news about my dad today. Not good. He’s in a really bad way, has had another stroke I didn’t know about. Broke his hip too… refused physio treatment and is now permanently wheelchair bound. He was refusing to eat which they thought was depression…until they took him to the dentist. I’ll not go into everything that was wrong, but shit he must have been in pain for ages without saying anything (he doesn’t / can’t really talk much). The upshot of it all is the poor man has had ALL of his teeth removed. Kind of ironic since he spent most of his life developing, among other things, some of the most well known brands of toothpaste. Also ironic is that I have my first dentist appointment in about 2 years tomorrow. I have always hated the dentist, but that’s one thing I won’t be skipping out on ANYMORE!

I’m gutted to see my dad this way. He’s only 62. I experience so many different emotions with everything that’s gone on between us.  I feel like my brain just hit a brick wall and splattered a mess of feelings all over the place… guilt, anger, compassion… more guilt… some numbness. I don’t think I’m really ready to talk about it yet. Maybe when I’ve made some more sense out of things. It’s never cut and dry, is it?

The good news: my friend’s ultrasound was absolutely fine. Her due date is October 30th. Ohhhhh I want this kid to be born on Halloween so much… it just appeals to the former Goth in me. How cool would that be! I panicked about it the whole flipping day till she called me. I was a mess. It seems a little crazy… there was no reason to think anything would be wrong.. I just… I… I find myself always fearing the worst re: pregnancy. The worry makes me sick… physically SICK.

Other changes today: Gadget Guy worked his ass off to create a Health Journal for me – an easy place where I can record all my symptoms and feelings daily so I can keep an eye on things. I should have done this ages ago. He’s been kicking my ass about it for months. I need to keep better track of things so I can notice any changes.. I have dutifully promised to complete it everyday from now on… promises you make to close friends are serious things. I better not screw up.

Note to self: ALWAYS PAY ATTENTION WHEN CHECKING YOUR E-MAIL!!! .. Right under the message about my father… other important news:  I was so wrapped up in the dad thing I nearly missed it. Now I don’t want to jinx this. I’m so nervous. I’m not expecting anything at all… but…

*whispers really quietly* I have a job interview…

Ali xX

K.S.: I’m getting stronger… I may have had a bad day… but it was just one day not several and I am still anti depressant free.

Easter quest a sucess ?

Happy Easter everyone!  I do hope the Easter Bunny was good to you.  I myself spent the day chilling at home eating way to many pastel colored Easter M&M’s. It still amazes and delights me that you can get these little things in every color you can think of annnd dark chocolate too… yummmy!

Of course this also means the Lenten fast is over. I think I’m going to award myself a success in the quest to quit quitting. I was thinking about this today. Not much has really changed on the face of things. I’m still an unemployed person at home all day doing not too much BUT I do think a I have succeeded in my attempts to be more positive.  For one thing, I’ve written a post almost everyday rather than being all gung ho for the first few weeks then giving up and you never hear from me again.  If I look back at the plan I wrote I can see real areas of change relating to back to it.

I have now registered with the correct doctor and restarted treatment for my PCOS. I’m not perusing the healthy living clinic too, despite my reservations and even though I don’t have a perfect track record with taking my medication (still having issues with eating meals and no meals means no meds). I have only missed two doses which is much much much better than my previous record. I’m much more organized with my pills too, dosing out the medication for the week ahead of time and therefore being aware of when I’m about to run out before I actually do is a novel idea to me.

I’m also going to tell you that as of this time I’m not taking any anti depressant medication at all. I’m not sure how this will work out yet.  On the one hand I’m pleased not to be taking it, but I’m aware that I still do have mood dips and days where the dark oppressive cloud that is depression still likes to hang around and try to make me a useless mess. Coming off the anti depressants hasn’t hit me as hard as I thought it would I’m thrilled to report. Right now I don’t feel the need to take them but I still need to keep a very close eye on my mood.  I’m only taking my very first steps without. Evening primrose oil has been a Godsend.  I really believe that while my mood swings are still definitely around. They are not hitting with the same severity of past days and since I started this one capsule a day regime my period pains have all but gone.  I can’t recommend giving this a try enough!

On the job front: progress has been made, too.  No employment as of yet sadly, but I’m not working with my job broker. I actually have put together a decent CV. Aannd I have a few applications in the pipelines. I’ve booked myself on a confidence building course which should help me too.

I have a long term goal: I really want to go back to college now.  Honestly I have a five year plan of where I’m trying to head towards. This feels GREAT for me. I’m passed the time of not being able to see my own future and not giving a shit. Even though I haven’t been able to get the application in yet (uh huh the institution’s web page has been down all weekend.  That’s technology for you.) I will be doing this as soon as I can and I even have a back up plan B.  You could almost mistake me for an organized person … naw not quite.

I’ve started volunteer work and hope to have more set up soon.

These are all the reasons I say success at giving up giving up but lent is over so I wouldn’t have to feel guilty for going back to my old ways now and that’s just what I’m going to do.

WRONG! No way. I like this me a lot better.  I feel a bit better about myself and even though I still have bad days, they are getting less in number and that’s oh so great!  And and and… I haven’t had an actual panic attack in weeks  YAAY !

Here are the things I’m still scoring a “could to do better” on…

Keeping in touch with friends! There’s room for a lot of improvement here.

Relaxation and managing stress… aherm… yah I still totally SUCK at this.

Diet and exercise… more to come about this soon, but its time I got into an actual exercise routine.  Oh and yeah I’m ashamed to say that the beginners’ yoga DVD is still in its wrapping.  Ali FAIL.

I’m giving myself a pat on the back well done but also a stern more work to be done here, girl… KEEP MOVING!

Ali xX

Keeping abrest of the situation

My volunteering application is in the post making its way to the local NHS Trust which would be Wirral University Teaching Hospital also known as  Arrow Park. Fingers crossed I hear something soon. It felt kind of strange asking close friends for references. Makes you feel grown up when you can ask people your own age for a reference and that’s ok. Anyways the friends I used have known me for longer than the required two years and are fully qualified to answer questions on all things Ali. I’m sure they will put a positive spin on things.  Going back to the Red Cross for meeting number 2 tomorrow. I’m still really looking forward to it and that’s a great thing.

I have located the Access to Higher Education course I was after at two local colleges with the help of my job broker who called today… TWICE (already a better track record than his predecessor woohoo).  I have managed to rank them according to preference. My first choice is going to be Liverpool Community College because even though its further away it offers said course as an evening class with home study and I think down the line this will be easier to fit around any job that might come my way (here’s hoping). I was feeling all gung ho and promptly called them for an application form only to find out that the college is closed for the Easter break (Duh yeah colleges and schools do that – has it been that long since I left? I hadn’t even thought – yikes).  I was informed the best way to apply is via the online application form which should be done ASAP. Even after the thing is submitted it takes up to four weeks to hear anything. Hmmm got to love that red tape. With the holiday on top, it’s going to be about 6 weeks or so.  That being said, I didn’t rush off and complete the form today. I’ll take my time and finish over the next couple of days no big rush seen as nobody’s around to look at it.

Boys – you may want to choose now to make a timely exit because this next bit is all about my breasts and not in a fun way. One of my favorite sayings for expressing irritation with a person or object would be to exclaim in a very exasperated way that said item really gets on my tits! (somehow my head reasons that getting on my tits is really bad  1) because I HATE my breasts and drawing attention to them makes my skin crawl before you even touch me and 2) because my tits are small and so can’t take much of your crap!). Lately my tits are really getting on my tits. Its a hormone thing I think ever since my cycle decided to show up again I have awful problems with tingles in my breasts my nipples get hard and actually a little painful sometimes for whole days. Seriously, this blows. I’ve never thought of my bra as a torture device UNTIL NOW. It’s impossible to concentrate when certain body parts have a mind of their own and are hell bent on drawing my attention and keeping it all to themselves. I’ve dubbed this my “TT issue”. So far it’s kept me awake at night and stopped me from holding polite conversation. It’s hard to focus on this when the monologue in my head is says “damn these clothes are impossible. I  HATE my breasts. Sugar has this person noticed that I’m fidgeting because my tits are sooo damn irritating… crap I’m gonna have to readjust… I can’t take it… what is this person talking about… BREASTS tingling… irritating… hot… oh so warm… please help meee… my breasts are going CRAZY!!!”  I’ve been practically ripping garments off before in the private. Of course it’s insane. The only thing that seems to offer some sort of comfort is cold – anything cold. Yup, I’ve run to the bathroom in search of relief from the cold water… I wonder if my friends have ever asked themselves why I hold that newly purchased ice cold coke can so close to my chest.  I hope they haven’t. I have entire fantasies about cold hands…but that’s another story.

While this – let’s face it – slightly comical problem is irritating, it only usually lasts a day or two. In the grand scheme of things it’s not a HUGE problem. So I act like a total mad woman a few days a month. There are a lot of women who can say that. Recently however it’s getting worse. Actually just my left breast is much worse. My right boob is apparently the good twin, but the left… the left is evil. It’s gone way beyond insane tingling. It HURTS and tingles all at the same time. The pain seems deeper in my breast tissue at times. It feels like it extends all the way right into my armpit. What’s more, the TT issue that usually hangs around for 2 days max has been with me all this week. I’m starting to worry… and its driving me demented!

Ali xX

K.S.: I was out in the wonderful sunshine again and this time it was WARM.

Doomsday looming.

I had an appointment at the healthy eating clinic. The 10 minute long session was with a practice nurse again – somebody who didn’t appear to actually register that I’d told her I had PCOS and was looking for some dietary advice related to the condition… nor did she seem concerned at all by the fact that I lurch from struggling to actually eat 3 meals a day and keep them down some days to the opposite extreme where I can pack away a stupid amount without even feeling like I’ve eaten. This happens too frequently. She didn’t seem to have any ideas as to what might be the cause. Frankly, she didn’t really care. I really wish I was able to find somebody – anybody – who could give me specific PCOS advice. The search for this mysterious person goes on, I guess. The nurse did however order blood tests: two of them in fact. The first is a glucose test to check for diabetes – something I requested (YAY for listening to me). I’ve been curious/concerned about this ever since the PCOS diagnosis seen as how women with the condition are at higher risk of insulin resistance and diabetes. I’m so pleased somebody is finally going to check it. Will lay my mind to rest if nothing else and if there is a problem hmm I think I need to know! The second blood test ordered was a cholesterol test – first time I’ve had one of these as well. We’ll see what the results bring. Judgment Day is next Tuesday at 9.20 am. I say Judgment Day but of course the crimson vials still have to be sent to a lab somewhere so judgment won’t actually be passed on Tuesday. Perhaps Doomsday might be more appropriate seen as how it involves a 14 hour fast (you can bet I’ll be feeling ravenous that night sods law) an early start (I am so not a morning person) and an unavoidable date with an object that strikes fear into my heart – so much more successfully than the idea of commitment, or a plague of cicadas… and that’s saying a LOT. Yes you’ve guessed it – NEEDLE and I have been set on a collision path. Its not gonna be pretty. At my last practice I was automatically made to lie down and pushed right up against a wall any time I had blood work simply because the likelihood is I’m gonna pass out and if (when) that happens I can’t fall from that position. Uh huh, I ended up on the floor a few times before they figured this out (I’m such a wus). Oddly though I can watch other people go through the same ordeal without batting an eyelid. It’s not that I derive pleasure from the torture of others or anything. Honest. I just don’t find staying conscious a problem.

Time to step on the scales – something I do with about the same enthusiasm as stepping up on the gallows.  I swear I could hear the faint drum beat signaling impending execution in my ears. Those few second take FOREVER… can I get off yet? OH NO THATS BAD… but it is 5 kg or so less than I thought, so it’s not the end of the world or anything. No falling on my knees, wailing and nashing of teeth, asking for the ground to suddenly eat me etc. I’ve been given a generic diet plan. Meh. Some advice on portion control (hay miss, if you think I’m bad at this, take a trip across the pond. Your brain will explode). Still, useful advice.  Work on portion control. Gotcha.

What’s this? A food diary… hmmm I’m not sure about this. it feels a bit like being on report at school. You know, having to get a teacher to sign a scrap of paper to say you were actually present at each class… not that I have experience of this. I was a good girl… or a skilled BS artist… I’ll let you be the judge I think the diary is too much for me ..It feels like I’m being told off or punished. Kind of makes me want to REBEL!   but I will give it a chance… I suppose…

Next appointment: 2 weeks from now.

In other news… I got my CV off to the person who needs it today …that would be my Job broker and I picked up a beginners’ yoga DVD today. I felt like trying it, hopefully to help me learn to do that relaxing thing a bit better. Of course buying the thing and actually using it are sooo not the same but the thought was there. I’ll put it on my to do list for tomorrow.

Ali xX

K.S.: delicious weight watchers black current cheesecake = dessert with no guilt

Metformin and gummy bears.

I’ll be starting on Metformin as of Monday. I need to start with one 500mg dose in the morning with breakfast (which means I had better get a lot better at eating breakfast and quickly). I’ll be eating my oats like a good girl every morning just so I can take the pill despite the fact that I’ve really struggled with the whole food thing recently. After 7 days the dose doubles to 500mg twice a day morning and evening. The drug has been shown to help women with PCOS controlling the effects of insulin resistance.   It has been shown to help women suffering PCOS with losing weight and even returning to a regular cycle.  Here’s hoping I’ll see some good results from it.

As with all drugs there are side effects. Last time I took this I felt so sick the first couple of weeks. It was terrible, feeling ill.   The most common adverse effect of Metformin is gastrointestinal upset, including diarrhea, cramps, nausea, and vomiting. Apparently this affects more than 1 in 10 patients to some degree (that’s according to the leaflet accompanying the drug. The previous time I was taking Metformin things seemed to settle down for me after about 2 weeks. I really hope that’s the case again! The drug is also hard on your kidneys and liver.  The information I’ve read STRESSES the importance of drinking plenty of water while on Metformin (OH BOY this could be a SERIOUS problem for me) other recommendations are NO Alcohol and to try and stay away from over the counter drugs that may also be hard on your liver & kidneys.  It’s advised that people on the prescription should have blood work to monitor liver and kidney function and I am slightly concerned that this never came up in the 10 minutes I was with the doctor the other day. Seems kind of important to me.

So over all, I need to cut the booze (I’m not really a big drinker anyways) and work HARD on the water thing!!

Along these lines … I’m super pleased with myself today for taking a step towards being more organized with my medication at least. I found myself a little pill organizer (or as Kayak Man likes to call it my pill Filofax) with compartments for morning and afternoon medication and set up a full weeks pills in advance. I’m hoping this will not only help me to remember, but more importantly I’ll never have that stooopid moment of wondering if I took my meds yet today. Again.

Any good behavior points I may have awarded myself are totally and utterly wiped out by the fact that I ate half a packet of Haribo Star Mix though I can tell you I feel sooooooo guilty. These things are technically not MAOAM’s the annoying sugary sticky messy things I haven’t eaten since I gave them up in this post,  BUT  the problem is that I only started eating the MAOAM’s in the first place to STOP myself eating WAAAAY to much Haribo. Today I gave in and I didn’t even ENJOY it. I feel bad. From now on, I declare a blanket ban on all sugary / jelly /gummy sweets … and instead when I want a sugary treat I will go for the chocolate that I actually ADORE. Even then I’m making an effort to switch to mostly enjoying dark chocolate in smaller quantities.

I’ve decided to change around my reading goals a little origionally I had set myself the goal of reading one book for pleasure each month but while I was over at Kirstin’s blog I decided instead to join in with her Book challenge 2009.  The idea here is to set a goal for the entire year as opposed to month by month. I think I’ll be much more likely to stick to this and it’s more fun when other people are doing this too.  I’ve set my target at 36: that’s 12 fictions books (one for each month as per my original plan) but I’m also adding that I will aim to read one non-fiction book for every two months.  Now, granted, 36 books seems like a low target compared to the others in the group, but having dyslexia I make  redonkulously slow progress. Anyways,  look for my I’m reading page to be updated with the books I have read so far this year as well as links to the others taking part.

I have this really odd urge to make a roast chicken dinner (don’t ask me why – I dunno!)… So I’ll be doing that tomorrow or attempting to I should say… Wish me luck!

Ali xX

K.S. Getting hold of the T.V. remote for an hour so I could watch NCIS for the first time!

Headaches and stomach bugs oh my !

Uuuuuuuughh! … I have stuff to say … I actually did things today – outside things – but well, for some odd reason for the past two nights as soon as I get in bed my stomach starts doing flips.  Yesterday I was lying there actually feeling my whole body throbbing. Couple that with the fact that the wind was so bad last night our windows were crashing around actually making me paranoid. They were gonna blow right off their hinges (long story short we have old windows at the back of our place. old warped wooden framed windows that don’t fully close) so no sleep last night … or the night before now that I think about it.  I spent that night throwing up.

I’m better today except for a pulsing headache that’s been following me round like a lost puppy all flippin’ day (a very wild and angry puppy). I just can’t get rid of the SOB. My eyes are killing me and my brain has gone on strike refusing to string words together in a way that makes much sense let alone write a full post.  I’ll get back to you about those things I wanted to tell you as soon as normal service resumes.  Move along now. No need to listen to me pathetically moaning…

Ali xX

K.S.: I have pain killers and I’m not afraid to use them