Hormones gone haywire … here we go again.

Uuugh… hormones are wreaking havoc with me. I have this oddly out of control feeling like I have too much energy or stress or tension… emotion maybe… goodness knows but it’s making my skin crawl and feel tingly all over right to the tips of my fingers but so much worse in my thighs. I feel shaky and unstable, both physically but mentally too with no idea which extreme of emotion I might lurch into next. All I know is provoke me and I fear extreme reaction will occur – not sure if that will be crying hysterically or screaming like a banshee. I hate feeling this way. Hate it. I’m not right in my own skin. Everything feels awkward and prickly. I have an odd sensation in my head and I want a cuddle.  I need to be held. I need to hold you – only my skin crawls so bad when you actually do touch me I can hardly stand it… and I’m scared if I did hold you I’d squeeze you so tight it would hurt. It’s so confusing… a jumbled mess of rawness that makes no sense and has an oddly destructive streak. I have raging hormones… that mean I actually want to tear some guy apart in a desperate need for intimacy and yet I’m scared to because tear apart is no joke. In this mood I feel the need to bite. And not in a kinky fun gentle way. There is a sensation in my jaw. I bite HARD.  I know this because most times I’ll end up biting my own hand and leaving bruises and teeth marks. I want to dig my nails into something and actually tear it up.  It’s INSANE and overwhelming and to be honest it frightens me. It usually only lasts a couple of days but it feels like forever and each time is just a little different. Today, for example, I’m not getting mad or angry like I have done in the past just SCARED to death with a feeling that something bad is going to happen to me or someone close to me. It’s totally irrational. There’s no reason at all to think bad news is on the way but I can’t shake this awful doom and gloom feeling.  Another new thing for me my joints all are stiff and ache. Not just my knees which is usual for me. My left knee will often go stiff or lock a little and ache its a separate issue but today I have this same uncomfortable tenderness and dull ache in both of my knees. Also my ankles, wrists, the back of my neck, and even the individual knuckles in my fingers. It’s not pain full as such just uncomfortable and achy and a little stiff.   The whole mess is infuriating. My body is driving me insane!

I don’t know what to try next to make it better except hoping that it will pass quickly.

Irritation and perhaps frustration are the words of the day.

As Kayak Man would say  …”Ali I just have to tell your HORMONES they are being a BITCH right now.”

*Cries* I can’t help it !

Ali xX

Doing as I’m told

Gadget Guy says I have to write, so I’m trying to do just that. Something’s been happening with me.   I’m letting things slide again.  I haven’t done my Wii Fit in a good few days.  I didn’t keep up with my health dairy, even though I promised him I would, which makes me feel like utter crap.  Things are sliding and slipping back to a bad place and I don’t know WHY.

At this precise point in time I can’t even begin to reason why I feel God awful…  like spaced/out of it,  not in my own head, somewhat disconnected. its kind of weird. I’m hovering in this odd place where panic attack,  crying fit,  throwing up and passing out all meet…, with no idea which way I’m gonna go really. what I want to do is go and hide in bed, cuddle up with somebody and feel safe  because I don’t feel safe right now. I feel pretty out of control and quite scared.

So the deal between me and this Gadget Guy friend of mine is that I will try to do what he tells me and he won’t ask too much or tease me or push me too much because he knows I’ll just snap and either cry or scream or run away from him and his help.  I’ve done the first thing he asked me: I’ve got my health diary as up to date as I can, writing everything that’s happened to me over the last 3 days. Now I’m doing the second thing he asked: I’m here… writing… trying to make connections and put into words to my jumbled mess of thoughts.

I started feeling bad tonight about half way through my 2 hour First Aid training session (no, there were no gory pictures or recreated wounds that upset me or grossed me out .. so it’s not that). I got a sharp pain above my left eye and a stinking headache. I lost all focus and stopped really listening to what I was being told. My chest was racing.  It can’t have been too bad because I was still able to respond. I got up and practiced all my bandages and did everything I was asked, but inside I didn’t feel like all of me was present in that room. Apparently I looked miserable, so said the teacher who asked if I was ok. Yeah I’m ok; it’s just a headache and possibly a panic attack. Now when I have panic problems the last thing I need is anyone to draw attention to me, so of course i just said I was ok. I WAS ok coming home which might be due to the fact that I was chatting away to a friend on the phone and not really thinking about what I was doing. I’ve had something to eat. I’ve taken all my meds today… and I just don’t feel good.

In fact, odd things have been going on for a few days now. It kind of started on Monday… well actually early Tuesday morning for me. I was watching this weeks episode of Dancing With the Stars over the interwebs and chatting away with Gadget Guy when suddenly I was hit with the most awful cramping.  I mean bent double moaning. Total surprise. Comes out of nowhere and takes your breath away PAIN. It was intense but didn’t last long at all.  In fact it was over by the time the show finished and all I was left with was a dull ache like that part of my body had been through something. I thought nothing of it. I slept ok and woke up fine.

Woke up fine mmhumm… did not stay that way.  I was an emotional mess yesterday,  in fact I count the damage as 1 emotional meltdown to the point of tears over something stooopidly silly. I’ll tell you about it sometime but it probably merits a post all of its own.  This was before I came online and spent the afternoon getting more and more frustrated to the point of tearing my hair out and throwing a hissy fit in Gadget Guy’s face. Actually I’d say I snapped at him pretty effectively. Let me just explain… we’re those type of friends that are close enough  and know each other well enough that we bicker and tease ALOT… its just how we are. It’s not hurtful or mean. It’s just what we do.  Yeah, admittedly yesterday we spent a large amount of time talking about the few things that cause tension between us and that always makes me (needlessly) nervous and stressed. I mean, if we were gonna fall out over anything, what we were working on yesterday afternoon would probably be it… and I just don’t want to fall out with him. Somewhere in the middle of what we were doing I was hit by a wave of the most awful fatigue. I mean seriously it’s like going from fine to exhausted in less than 60 seconds. It SUCKS. Again, trouble focusing, all over body weakness and so so tired beyond tired. I get over sensitive when this happens.  Repetitive noises bother the hell out of me.  I mean like drive me demented. Must find them and make them STOP NOW  or I may start smashing things. Loud noises are bad. Music is awful… and all that playful teasing we were doing  becomes totally not fun anymore. It feels like it hurts and he’s pushing me. God damn it this guy is SOOOOOOO FRUSTRATING!!!  I had to walk away… HAD TOO. Now let me say it was not his fault. He wasn’t doing anything that is not normal behavior between us and we both were laughing about it, me through gritted teeth admittedly. He wasn’t mean or abusive (pffft Gadget Guy getting abusive LMAO that notion in itself is just so silly it makes me laugh) it was My Problem, hormonal or otherwise. I don’t know.

So cramps Monday… moody, irritable and suddenly exhausted Tuesday… and now this near panic attack, moody… about to throw up/keel over thing tonight.

WHAT the HELL is going on… and HOW do I get it back under control!???

There… I’ve done what my good friend asked of me ….can I go to bed yet?  Without CRYING my eyes out and embarrassing myself if possible!

I feel so broken.

Ali xX

What a Witch.

Frustration… don’t ask me why, but I’m feeling decidedly hormonal. Everything just seems a little harder and caused more frustration. I didn’t get the job applications that I wanted to submitted.  I failed to get my registration for this year’s Race for Life completed. I seemed to have more than my usual quota of irritating, frustrating, pulling my hair out style conversations.  No matter what I do, I can not relax and let go. I’ve tried all my usual tricks. Oh, and I scored an epic fail at the “E” thing today also, managing to pack away an obscene amount of junk food and chocolate. I’m at the point now where noises are winding me up – whether it’s Kayak Man downstairs with the Wii game that’s been on since the second he got home from college, or just sound effects or webpages from my own machine. Everything seems extra loud and annoying… GAH… Shhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! I can’t think!

I did hear today that the hospital I applied to volunteer for has actually contacted my references and they will be writing back sometime over the weekend… so at least some progress was made today.

I’m totally not being pushed into a corner… I just FEEL that way… and then I spend the rest of the day biting my tongue so as not to say the wrong thing or snap and take someone’s head off. I failed once today already, and yeah I do feel sorry for the guy looking back on it, but at the time I swear I saw RED.

Hormones are the REAL bitch!

Ali xX

K.S.: Basic First Aid training tomorrow

Keeping abrest of the situation

My volunteering application is in the post making its way to the local NHS Trust which would be Wirral University Teaching Hospital also known as  Arrow Park. Fingers crossed I hear something soon. It felt kind of strange asking close friends for references. Makes you feel grown up when you can ask people your own age for a reference and that’s ok. Anyways the friends I used have known me for longer than the required two years and are fully qualified to answer questions on all things Ali. I’m sure they will put a positive spin on things.  Going back to the Red Cross for meeting number 2 tomorrow. I’m still really looking forward to it and that’s a great thing.

I have located the Access to Higher Education course I was after at two local colleges with the help of my job broker who called today… TWICE (already a better track record than his predecessor woohoo).  I have managed to rank them according to preference. My first choice is going to be Liverpool Community College because even though its further away it offers said course as an evening class with home study and I think down the line this will be easier to fit around any job that might come my way (here’s hoping). I was feeling all gung ho and promptly called them for an application form only to find out that the college is closed for the Easter break (Duh yeah colleges and schools do that – has it been that long since I left? I hadn’t even thought – yikes).  I was informed the best way to apply is via the online application form which should be done ASAP. Even after the thing is submitted it takes up to four weeks to hear anything. Hmmm got to love that red tape. With the holiday on top, it’s going to be about 6 weeks or so.  That being said, I didn’t rush off and complete the form today. I’ll take my time and finish over the next couple of days no big rush seen as nobody’s around to look at it.

Boys – you may want to choose now to make a timely exit because this next bit is all about my breasts and not in a fun way. One of my favorite sayings for expressing irritation with a person or object would be to exclaim in a very exasperated way that said item really gets on my tits! (somehow my head reasons that getting on my tits is really bad  1) because I HATE my breasts and drawing attention to them makes my skin crawl before you even touch me and 2) because my tits are small and so can’t take much of your crap!). Lately my tits are really getting on my tits. Its a hormone thing I think ever since my cycle decided to show up again I have awful problems with tingles in my breasts my nipples get hard and actually a little painful sometimes for whole days. Seriously, this blows. I’ve never thought of my bra as a torture device UNTIL NOW. It’s impossible to concentrate when certain body parts have a mind of their own and are hell bent on drawing my attention and keeping it all to themselves. I’ve dubbed this my “TT issue”. So far it’s kept me awake at night and stopped me from holding polite conversation. It’s hard to focus on this when the monologue in my head is says “damn these clothes are impossible. I  HATE my breasts. Sugar has this person noticed that I’m fidgeting because my tits are sooo damn irritating… crap I’m gonna have to readjust… I can’t take it… what is this person talking about… BREASTS tingling… irritating… hot… oh so warm… please help meee… my breasts are going CRAZY!!!”  I’ve been practically ripping garments off before in the private. Of course it’s insane. The only thing that seems to offer some sort of comfort is cold – anything cold. Yup, I’ve run to the bathroom in search of relief from the cold water… I wonder if my friends have ever asked themselves why I hold that newly purchased ice cold coke can so close to my chest.  I hope they haven’t. I have entire fantasies about cold hands…but that’s another story.

While this – let’s face it – slightly comical problem is irritating, it only usually lasts a day or two. In the grand scheme of things it’s not a HUGE problem. So I act like a total mad woman a few days a month. There are a lot of women who can say that. Recently however it’s getting worse. Actually just my left breast is much worse. My right boob is apparently the good twin, but the left… the left is evil. It’s gone way beyond insane tingling. It HURTS and tingles all at the same time. The pain seems deeper in my breast tissue at times. It feels like it extends all the way right into my armpit. What’s more, the TT issue that usually hangs around for 2 days max has been with me all this week. I’m starting to worry… and its driving me demented!

Ali xX

K.S.: I was out in the wonderful sunshine again and this time it was WARM.