Drowning.

I’ve been in a funk the last two days. I could tell you its PMS hormones or blame college or visiting my mum for New Year, but the real story is the holidays make me broody or more accurately more broody than usual. It’s a time for families and so magical when there are children around. Each year around this time I have a moment like this pre-2006 a sigh and a moment of sadness that I don’t have a child to pull close to me. It used to be followed by a hopeful wish that my time would come at some point and that the waiting would be worth it. The whole thing would last a few minutes and I’d go back to some festive preparation, shopping, cooking, or contemplating the standard of decor at the local pub. It wasn’t really a big deal and I never felt the need to tell anyone.

I’ve some wonderful memories of Christmas as a couple: the first time we had to buy and decorate our own tree. That year our oven was broken and the turkey didn’t finish cooking till 11pm, hours after everything else. Once we decided to have a duck instead of the traditional turkey. We named him Larry. I spent the whole day in my PJ’s. We’ve been apart for the holiday; to exchanging gifts in a bar quick snatched moment before we went our separate ways and the memory arriving back at College that first year to see this man in his leather biker jacket waiting for me outside my front door looking a tad frozen. I love Christmas with him and after the last couple of years I’m grateful we’re back together for 2009.

Since 2006 I can’t deny that the feelings of regret have grown. I suppose we always realize how much we wanted something just after it is taken away. But, this year it’s different and so hard. I was always sad for what could have been in the future. Now I’m missing something I want NOW. Let me frame this by saying it’s a completely irrational want. We are not in a position where we should bring a child into this world even if we could. It would be stupid and irresponsible and man everyone around us would be mad as hell… but still… I feel like a kid with the blinkered unrealistic Christmas List… you know the one that reads: A baby. Period. Ridiculous.

I know it will pass. Why is it when you think you’re getting over this thing moving on it shows up again packing an extra punch?  I am at a loss. It hurts. It overwhelms. Paralyzes. Drowning in sadness and longing.

I want to just retreat quietly and take some time to regroup and get my emotions in order, but at this time of year when everyone is high on festive spirit, I feel so much pressure to be happy and not just happy but EXTRA joyful because after all its CHRITMAS.  Sigh… the more you draw attention to the gap between how I feel and how you THINK I should feel, I just end up feeling worse. I don’t want to let anyone down…. but you can’t fix this for me. I need to be allowed to feel it. I need space to wrap my head around it.

I will survive …

Ali xX

Little lies and angel eyes.

I’ve not told anyone before, but I believe in angels. While many of you may not agree it is this belief that keeps me somewhat sane.  I am just a mother waiting for her time.  It may be that I am not destined to meet my babies in this life but I feel them as part of me. There would not be such a hole inside if nothing was meant to fill it. My heart would not ache so. I am incomplete, and yet now the dust has settled for a time and I am not presently languishing in despair at the bottom of a crater left by the meteor infertile, but rather standing above looking down as a tourist who surveys the Grand Canon in awe.   I wonder if the pieces are out there somewhere to fill this gap. I can’t see or grasp them.  I have no idea when, if, or how they will appear, but I have this feeling… and perhaps a little faith.

If you believe that those who have touched our lives and gone to a better place can be watching over us, guard us, guide us in the whispers of your conscience or the pull of your intuition.  That one day we can be together again somewhere that neither pain, nor illness, disability nor injustice can touch us. Then is it not also possible that the souls of those yet to arrive surround us in the same way? My children are with the angels not sleeping but rather yet to awake in this world. I would say they are angels but no child of mine would be angelic… and I’m quite ok with that.

Whatever the reason this burden has been placed on me… who knows. I must learn to be patient and live my life in a way that would make my special spectators proud. Somewhere in heaven mischievous sprits are giggling and giving their angel nanny a rough ride… and in their quiet time when they are behaving and watching the goings on down here with that unique curiosity and sparkle of children’s eyes. I shall give them reason to point at me with a big smile as they whisper… that’s my mommy!

I read this poem written for a child lost and I hope you will not hate me for reposting as a woman who may never see hers arrive:

Ask my mum how she is

My mum, she tells a lot of lies
She never did before
But from now, until she dies
She’ll tell a whole lot more

Ask my mum how she is
And because she can’t explain
She will tell a little lie
Because she can’t describe the pain

Ask my mum how she is
She’ll say that ‘I’m alright’
If that’s the truth, then tell me
Why does she cry each night

Ask my mum how she is
She seems to cope so well
She didn’t have the choice you see
Nor the strength to yell

Ask my mum how she is
‘Im fine, I’m well, I’m coping’
For Gods sake mum, just tell the truth
Just say your heart is broken

She’ll love me all of her life
I love her all of mine
But if you ask her how she is
She’ll lie and say she’s fine

I am here in heaven
I can not hug from here
If she lies to you, don’t listen
Hug her and hold her near

On the day we meet..
We’ll smile and I’ll be bold

I’ll say ‘you’re lucky to get in here mum,
with all the lies you told’

Ali xX

July IComLeavWe

It’s that time again  July IComLeavWe is here! A very warm welcome to you if that’s how you came to be here. This is the first time I’ve written a little intro for the occasion and to be honest I’m pretty nervous. Let me get the thing that’s worrying me out of the way first. I’m an infertile wanna be midwife. I write about all parts of my life on my blog so sometimes you’ll find me ranting about the pain and injustice of infertility because, let’s face it, this thing is a bitch… but then in other posts I’ll be talking about my feelings and my journey  as I chase my dream to become a registered midwife in the UK. I say this upfront because I absolutely do not want anything I write about here to cause you distress, so if you are feeling fragile or just not in the mood  please go ahead and bypass my ramblings. I will not take offense, I promise. Please know that you take with you my very best wishes in hopes that your dreams come true.

I have PCOS (DX Summer 2006) and some other medical history including a heart problem which basically means the chances of me conceiving and then safely carrying a baby to term are… well, ridiculously small. At the time that all this came to light, I struggling to recover from an abusive relationship with my father as a result of which, amongst other things, means that relations between me and my mum are very strained at best. By the end of 2006 I had lost my job, seen a relationship break down, moved house and was suffering anxiety and severe depression. I’m not proud of it, but things just all fell apart. Fast forward to now and you join me as I’m trying to put the pieces all back together. I haven’t had a panic attack in months (fingers crossed).  I’m returning to college in September. I’m looking for work (me and a million other people).  I’m in a relationship with a guy who’s been my close friend for nearly 8 years. At 27 he just graduated college and wants us to be married by this time next year. While we are not TTC at the moment I really struggle with commitment because of my past and my infertility.

Welcome to my journey…

Oh I should introduce the guy in the background.  We refer to him as Gadget Guy. He’s a very good friend I met online.  He currently lives in Chicago with Mrs. Gadget Guy and their oh so cute bunny Chip and he looooves gadgets (the clues in the name). (Editor: Hello… Gadget Guy here… <waves>!) I tell you about him because, well, I’m dyslexic and he’s my editor/human spell checker.  If you want to read about it the info is here.

My master plan is here

If you think I’m crazy for wanting to be a midwife, you should read these posts.

A few people have written their A-Z for an intro over the last couple of months. Such a cute idea, I had to give it a go:

A: America – My Favorite place to Travel /explore/learn about/the place I would live if given the choice.

B: Baseball – My sport. The only one I really follow

C: Cooking – something I wish I was better at

D:  Dyslexic- Yes I am.

E: Exercise – also referred to as the “E” thing. Something I need to do more of.

F: French – The only other language I can speak.

G: Gadget Guy- My good friend from Chicago also my human spell checker

H: Home – something I’m looking for.

I: Infertility – the main cause of my depression / frustration… perhaps anger.

J: Job Seeking – uugh it sucks

K: Kayak Man – My significant other

L: Liverpool – the nearest big city to me

M: Midwife – something I hope to become.

N: Needle Work – something I wish I had more time for

O: Ocean – something very beautiful to me.

P: PCOS – something I struggle with

Q: Questions – I often have them and I nearly always answer them when I’m asked.

R: Reading – something I will be doing a lot more of over the next few years.

S: Scottish – my actual nationality

T: Theatre – my forgotten passion. How I miss it

U: University – The journey I hope to start, that Kayak Man just finished

V: Volunteer- something I do for the Red Cross and local hospital.

W: Wedding – the most stressful word in my life at the moment.

X= Kisses! – I know I cheated but how can you not love them the chocolate kind and the real ones.

Y: Yankees – My team  see B

Z: Zamboni – possibly my most favorite word it always makes me chuckle

So there we have it Ali from A- Z … Happy IComLeavWe.

Ali xX

Just a comment.

It’s happened: I got my first negative comment. I have chosen not to publish it because, well, this is my blog and while I will accept that you are entitled to you own opinions and that you are free to disagree with me.  i will not publish things that are down right hurtful and will cause me irritation to read them over and over.

Here’s the jist: this person believes that it’s strange to have all my life events mixed up together and not just talk about infertility here, seen as apparently I have an infertility blog. Furthermore, said commenter wants to know how I have the right to call myself infertile when I’m not TTC with Kayak Man and I only have PCOS.  That’s the basics.

So let me address this: I’m not trying to pick a fight. I have not been over to said commenter’s blog to respond, but I do wish to say a few general things.

First off, I do not have an infertility blog per se. I have Ali’s blog – it’s about me; all the things I get up to; the hopes I have, the upset, the emotion, and anything I choose to talk about. Oh also my struggles trying to keep to the master plan and improve my life. It just so happens that I am infertile and this unsurprisingly bothers me a lot and causes me pain, upset and frustration which I choose to talk about here on my blog because it’s easier than talking to someone face to face, and it helps me to write this stuff down and stop it going round in my head driving me slowly nuts. I don’t wish to only talk about my infertility here because, well, for one, seen as I have been upfront about the fact that I am not trying to conceive, I believe that while its a part of my life that affects me. I’m not as focused on it as someone going through the heartache of TTC.  Secondly, if all I did was show up here to rant when infertility was pissing me off, well this would be a pretty angst ridden place full of pain and depression and frankly it wouldn’t be a good picture of me. It’s helpful to me to look back on this old blogy thing and realize that not all my days are bad ones and so I will continue to write about the good things, the boring things… and the infertility stuff.  Please feel free to move on. I’m not demanding that you continue to read or if you only want to read about infertility and the way if affects me, feel free to follow that tag and ignore the rest. I promise not to take offence.

I find the assumption that I am not infertile interesting and in truth a little offensive. Yes, I grant you I am not TTC at this point in time and the only issue I have talked about on here so far has been my PCOS, but I think judging somebody’s infertility or not based on a few posts on a blog is naive and insensitive. Kind of like those people who tell infertiles “its God’s Will”, or “it will happen if you just relax” or other such things. The truth is I call myself infertile because my care team has told me that is my reality. I have severe PCOS. Yes I also have a heart issue that makes carrying a baby to term at the very least dangerous and maybe impossible. Somebody in the medical profession who has all the facts / tests / information in front of them has handed me this label that says infertile and if you don’t mind I will continue to believe that they know what they are talking about. Here’s the thing: on my blog I talk about my life as it is now; my situation currently as I write. I wonder how you think you know enough about me from 4 short months to feel that you can call me a liar about such a sensitive subject.  I have lived 26 years before I wrote a word on here. I don’t talk about the past – about the pregnancy tests I have taken,  or the two years before I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was so desperate to conceive a child I cried myself to sleep most nights, and was plagued with nightmares about someone stealing my baby from my arms,  or my father punching me in the stomach and causing me to miscarry. I have not spoken about the pregnancy I lost in the first few weeks at age 19 and the guilt I felt at the time. I do not dwell on the fact that my diagnosis with PCOS and subsequent infertile realization was the main factor in a relationship break down, or some of the difficult medical choices I have had to make without much of a family support system. I don’t wish to drag up the past and I don’t want my blog to become one long sob story, but it’s a little short sighted to assume you know the whole story and it’s hurtful.

I think this kind of point scoring is just sad. I realize that there are many many people who are further down this infertility road than me who have suffered more heart ache and injustice who are coming to terms with more grief because of loss, and my heart aches for them. Maybe they do deserve a baby more than me and they certainly should not have to listen to me complain. All I have to offer them is my sympathy, hugs, prayers and a heartfelt wish that they will see their dreams come true. If I visit their blogs, that is exactly what I try to express in my old small way.

But infertility hurts me too and I should be allowed to talk about it here. I’ve spent my whole life wanting to be a mother and having to replace that dream with something else is hard no matter how long the journey before you have to make that choice.  It’s easy to think that infertility has no effect on me as me and KM are not trying for a child, but you try looking at the man you love as he tells you how much he wants to have children knowing that you are the reason that dream will in all probability never come true for him…  or watching his nephew giggle his ass off because of something his uncle the funny man did… or listening to him calmly explaining to this toddler why we have the moon… or why it’s raining and when will the snow be back… or what the exact date will be that he’ll be a man. KM would be a fantastic father and yet he’s willing to give that up to be with me but he shouldn’t have to. I feel guilty that he does. I’m reluctant to commit to him because I truly believe it’s not fair and that he should move on and find someone who can give him a family because, after all, there is no evidence that he is touched by infertility.

Attacking me and my hurt or saying that I have no right to call myself infertile does not achieve anything.  It won’t make your journey easier. I can’t take the pain away. It won’t make you any more able to have a child. I wish I could give the gift of healthy pregnancy to anybody who is travelling on this road regardless of how far along you are. Infertility always sucks. Nobody should be made to feel ashamed for their feelings and the emotions they go through on their personal journey… at least that’s what I believe. Maybe I am wrong.  If I have offended – I am sorry because truly all I want to do is offer some support and comfort and up until now I have received noting but support in return. If I visit somebody’s home and I can’t think of anything nice to say then I keep my mouth shut.  I guess I feel the same way about leaving hurtful comments on someone else’s blog.

For my part, I will carry on writing and just being me. Feel free to ignore me, but if you are so inclined, company is always welcome… because life can be a lonely road.

Ali xX

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside …

Both Kayak Man and I love the water so we decided it was high time we paid a local beach a visit taking advantage of the wonderful sunshine that is all too rare around these parts. A short train trip and viola – sun, sand, sea and ice cream.  Puuurfect.  The beach was busier than we expected: actually full of school classes out on trips having their own build a sand castle competitions. Some of these creations were pretty impressive. This is the first summer that Kayak Man and I are really able to enjoy, seen as he is still job hunting and my health is much better. A simple day and so much fun.

I love the people watching: the school groups, the families, the dog walkers… everybody seeming to have a good time. I have to admit though, sometimes I see something that, well, I just have to turn and walk away from. Today was no exception. Next to me was a family with a young lad about 3 years or so old who was busy playing with some plastic dinosaurs in the sand. Really cute kid… who then finds a huge shard of glass that looked like it was from a broken beer bottle. Of course this is a most exciting find and now he’s tossing it around and playing with the thing and mum is looking on giggling. I am not making any judgment on this lady’s mothering abilities but I am just too neurotic to sit and watch this little guy play with a sharp pointy object of broken glass. I have to make him stop OR walk away. Now, far be it from me to tell someone how to parent so walk away it is, Kayak Man trailing behind confused at the sudden movement.

Soon we’re at the waters edge because you know I simply can’t go to the beach and not dip my toes in. This time our next door neighbors are a family with a very small child who looked like he was having his first time in the water splashing about like a true water baby and giggling his little head off in the process. Anyone notice how infectious that uninhibited child’s giggle is? Seriously, we need to put more effort into trying to bottle it as I’m sure it would be more powerful than any current anti depressant. Just saying.

And then it happened. We ended up in this really deep conversation about life, the universe and everything (in our case, how much we want to relocate when we should do that “W” thing) completely by accident. As we’re wondering round the beach in no particular direction, meandering through our plans for the future with the same type of casual relaxed ease, Kayak Man looks at me and says ” I want us to have  kids just as much as you do ya know” … and in that moment a few things happened. My heart stopped and hovered on the edge of braking for a moment or two. But this time, instead of just shutting down with the old “never gonna happen, move on now now NOW … you’re hurting me” attitude, I found myself just saying “yeah I know” and wondering if maybe the door that leads to treatment and a long long scary journey was unbolted. If it was – if we decide together to go that way in the future – right now I’m ok with that.

And I get bonus points because I didn’t even cry!

Ali xX

PCOS and your fertility.

I’ve was following the Verity twitter feed because they were Tweeting live from a one day conference they held on PCOS and fertility. For those of you that don’t know, Verity is the patient group that supports UK women with PCOS and you can find the twitter feed here :

Here are most of  the day’s tweets in order.

Oh and the abbreviations you might need to know:

FSH = Follicle Stimulating Hormone

LH = Luteinizing Hormone

NICE= National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence.

PCT= Primary Care Trusts

Here goes:

No increased risk of miscarriage is not greatly increased if at all in women (long-term study from Finland)

one reason miscarriage reported to be higher in PCOS women is due to following pregnancy from very early stage

Hmmm these first two sort of make sense to me and they leave me feeling somewhat hopeful… wonder if I can find more details on this study!?

Follicles get ‘stuck’ in women with PCOS, probably due to abnormal hormone environment & suppression of FSH

Abnormal hormone environment: higher levels of LH, high levels of insulin (in overweight women) & lower levels of FSH

Overweight women who lose 5-10% can see vast improvement in symptoms (Kiddy 1992, Clark 1995, Normal 2002, Steele 2005)

This I know to be true  just from the improvement I saw when I was lighter two years ago as compared to now. Getting my weight to stop swinging from one to the other though… uuugh frustrating!

Clomid has been used for more than 40 yrs as an estrogen blocker to increase FSH levels & trigger ovulation in PCOS women

Clomid has 75-80% ovulatory rate but still has multiple pregnancy rate of around 10%, ultrasound monitoring should be in 1st cycle

Clomid generally not recommended to be under GP in 1st cycle as they don’t have facility for ultrasound monitoring.

Slim women with PCOS generally have surge of follicles with Clomid, so dose would be reduced on next cycle

Women with higher LH & testosterone can be Clomid resistant, not generally given with BMI over 30 & preferable <25

Yikes I’m sitting here with a BMI around 37 and raised testosterone levels, a lot of work to do if I want this drug to have a shot at helping me .

Women with BMI over 30 that have tried to lose weight can be tried on Clomid.

I’m a pessimist I guess. This sounds like a set up for heartache to me :S

Low-dose, step up FSH regimen has been used for more than 20 yrs. typical start at 50 units per day, then 75, 100 and 125

Clomid used on women with BMI >40 *CAN* work but is very rarely successful

Must lose weight Ali … must try harder.

Ovarian drilling is successful but not quite sure why – success rate btwn low dose FSH & ovarian drilling is comparable

Dutch study: conception rate in Clomid & Metformin = 40% … Clomid & placebo is 40%

Nth American study: live birth rate w Clomid & Metformin = 26.8%, Clomid & placebo = 22.5% and Metformin & placebo = 7.2%

Man those live birth rates SUCK … I say again PCOS you are a bitch with little mercy and feeling less hopeful again

Metformin has a place in reducing insulin levels but not as a line of fertility treatment.

In a great number of women with PCOS, it is possible to restore normal ovulation.

Wonder will I ever be on the right side of these numbers … hmmmm ?

Q: Thoughts on ovulation prediction kits? They are useful but not accurate in women with PCOS due to higher levels of LH

Cervical mucus comes just prior to ovulation. Temperature rise is after ovulation. Egg disappears quickly after ovulation.

Oh for the simpleness of have sex, get pregnant without ever hearing the phrase cervical mucus … Sadly it was not to be.

Q: Clomid ovarian cancer study – thoughts? A: after initial scare, studies have been reassuring… will go up to 9 cycles.

Q: if you don’t get pregnant after 6 Clomid cycles, what’s next? A: Look at low dose FSH injections

Q: Correlation btwn severity of symptoms & fertility? A: Not a lot of difference in rates of ovulation & pregnancy.

Q: what is top end BMI range of treatment? A: >30 if they have lost weight. Not sure if it is weight or nutrition related

Q: Am of normal weight, but even when I put a few pounds on I notice huge difference in severity of symptoms

A: It’s the change in weight that’s important, not the weight itself

Q: if I am in high end of normal BMI – will getting on the lower end of normal help? A: No, it won’t help

Q: Blurred vision on Clomid, can I take FSH? A: Yes you can take FSH

Q: If I have IVF & live birth, w 2nd pregnancy is 1st line of treatment IVF? A: Worth trying Clomid again as things change

Q: vitamin D deficiency in PCOS? A: link between vit. D & insulin resistance.. Normal levels of vit. D can help PCOS women

Q: can I get vit. D test from GP? A: you could, but not sure if you should have regular tests. We need more research & info

Q: is there a min. BMI for treatment? A: European origin generally >19 for treatment, but can depend on ethnicity

In the UK, funding for fertility treatment is very very poor in comparison to other European countries

Suck sucks..SUCKS !

NICE recommended 3 cycles of IVF and it is not progressing across PCTs throughout the country

In the 5 yrs since NICE guidelines came out, services have improved and East of England is providing the best service

Uughh so … relocate to the east of England to give me the best change of winning the NHS postcode lottery. WHEN will our government realize that THIS is not good enough and actually DO something about it…

Impact of infertility is misunderstood… it doesn’t just affect two people, but their friends and family also.

Govt. considering national tariff to set standard cost on IVF and fertility treatment.

GOOD IDEA… watch this space.

www.fundingforfertility.com has template letters for you to send off to PCTs and MPs about your lack of funding.

People (infertility patients) need to make a fuss, as PCTs think that people don’t care when fertility funding gets cut.

Mmhumm people who can have kids don’t care … and people who can’t have kids don’t like to talk about it so much. So very sad.

Q: Why do they cut fertility funding? A: It’s an easy thing to cut, as people / public don’t make a fuss

What is the point of NICE guidelines if decision making is made on a local level with no enforcement as to how £ gets spent

Best place to live in London for IVF funded treatment? East London

Delegate got told that wouldn’t get fertility funding from Berkeshire PCT as they lost £90m in the bank crash.

Figures

Q: what are the IVF waiting lists like? A: Good, because we (UK) don’t fund very many, should happen within 18 weeks

Good news for all the wrong reasons.

Q: how much does IVF actually cost? Q: Between £3k and £5k … lower end from £2k plus drugs (= £3k)

Actually this is LESS than I thought.

There is still a stigma attached to infertility, and that our body is letting us down… feel angry, ashamed & frustrated.

Whoo… check, check and check… I certainly feel all of those things on a regular basis.

We don’t realize how many babies there are until you can’t have one yourself & it feels like our life is on hold waiting.

“I felt like everyone else that couldn’t have a baby was dealing with it fine except me”

- Then you should read more blogs you are not alone my friend… not at all.

Infertile couples often find themselves feeling jealous of people / friends / family with babies

There is no doubt that TTC and baby making sex puts a huge strain on relationships

Support (especially peer support) is not as common and forthcoming for men going through infertility

Yeah you know I think the guys have a rough time of it infertility hurts everyone involved

If you are going through treatment, it’s important to talk to your partner about whether you both attend appointments, etc.

More and more women are turning to complementary therapy, but not as many do and they can be as beneficial

Tell your employer you were undergoing fertility treatment? 1/3 of people don’t as they fear being treated differently

Do you tell friends & family? Consider telling them you are doing it, but don’t tell them *when* you are doing it

Counseling can make a *big* difference in how you cope with fertility treatment – see a fertility friendly counselor

Keep stress down as much as you can… TTC is *very* stressful, but help to lessen that as much as you can (comp. therapy)

Learn as much as you can about treatment, it helps you feel empowered. Main difference is getting support & help

OK, so that’s the lot. I actually learned a few things which is always good for my own part. Mother nature decided to celebrate the fertility event by sending AF to visit me late last night just in time making my last cycle 85 days long. This sucks because until now I had been doing so well – hitting regular cycles of around 32 days. It also sucks because unlike AF’s previous two visits that have been totally pain and stress free, this time things are definitely starting to get a lot more painful and uncomfortable again. Just when I thought I was making a little progress… *sighs* I wish I understood my body better.

Ali xX

A word about that last post..

I feel the need to add a few little comments after my last… aherm… bitter emotional outburst. First, let me say that I totally understand that when folks say these “you could still get pregnant ” and ” you just never know ” things to me I know it is usually said because that person cares about me in some way and its meant with the best of intentions. In the last post, the bitterness/anger comes across as directed at them when really all it is frustration and pain and the fact of my own body’s malfunction and infertility. My friends in no way set out to hurt me and it’s not really them I’m angry at. I think in a way that’s one of the things that is so hard about this. There is nobody to take the blame and if there’s nobody at fault then of course there is nobody who can make it a little better with an apology and a promise not to do it again.

VERY simple things in life work like this. Someone is wronged, they get mad/upset /bitter, the person at fault apologizes and tries to rectify the situation in some way, anger sort of fades, and people accept what’s happened and move on.

Infertility is ANYTHING BUT simple and right now it feels more like this to me.  Something has hurt me, smashed my most precious possession (my dreams for the future) into pieces and left me with a pile of fragments on the floor that somehow I have to try and put back together by making increasing difficult decisions.  Like the world’s worst jigsaw and what’s more no instructions were left behind. I’m mad/upset/bitter but there’s nobody to blame… no one who can explain WHY this happened to me or what I did to deserve it. It just happened and now I have to live with it, seen as I won’t get an explanation or an apology and I have no idea if this thing will ever be rectified. My anger, my upset, doesn’t really fade. I can’t forgive and move on if there’s nobody to blame, so instead I accept that sometimes infertility will make me LIVID… will have me cry my eyes out or want to scream because all I can do is live each day as it comes and some days accepting the situation is much easier than others.

Sometimes I just have to VENT that emotion and rather than maul some unsuspecting friend with a tirade of emotional outburst and a flood of tears, I vent here on my blog because here it feels safe to do so. There’s a lot less chance I’ll hurt someone who is NOT to blame and more than that they are actually TRYING to help me even if I feel like its backfiring a little.

You know what makes it even better? Here in this bloggy world of mine, there are others like me trying to put the pieces back together. Others sharing their stories and experiences giving and receiving support and friendship.  It’s amazing. It’s like one huge collective effort to write that missing instruction book “How to cope when infertility makes it all go wrong.”  I’m so grateful for the support and hugs and messages I receive here. Please know that I’ve not been hurt by any of you.  There has been no foot in mouth situations (glances in Beautiful Mess’s direction) none. Sometimes my emotions just run away with me and the irrational infertile hulk comes out of hiding and stomps all over the page like a bear with a sore head. It’s a part of me I don’t like that I’m trying to control/find a cure or solution for. But seen as the only cure that comes to mind is a child or one hell of a loooooooong time, I reckon the monster is planning on hanging out for a while.  My bad. I’m sorry

This whole refusal to live hope. the way I just don’t allow myself to contemplate and cling on to images of me pregnant or as a mum is just my way of coping right now… the way I’ve been able to rewire myself for a while so I can try to rebuild my life.  It’s not the only way of coping.  Heck I’m not sure if its a good way of coping.  I’m sure there are a good few of you thinking I’m pretty weird or that I’m doing it all wrong and that’s ok. If you have any better ideas, pleeeeeease share. I’m open to all suggestions. At the end of the day everyone has to find their own way. This is kinda sorta maybe working for me right now, so I’m gonna just keep doing it till I find something that’s a better option…

I hope you can tell I’m feeling much better today and the hulk is nowhere to be seen.Thanks for all your help with that

Ali xX

Ali smash.

I’m having an infertile day today. Uh huh, yeah I know. I’m always infertile but some days you just feel it more than others. Today is one of those days where for some reason I’m just irritated by the whole thing. I want to throw in the towel. I want the world to leave this part of me well alone for 5 minutes please! I’m entirely sick of opening my inbox to find bright happy smiling baby faces trying to entice me to buy some Bugaboo stroller. Bugabugger off – I don’t need a stroller and the five adverts you send me a day are NOT gonna change that. TRUST ME. If it would, I’d fill my house with flipping strollers ok… seriously anonymous spammer listen to me… I have more chance of persuading Kayak Man that we need that last enlargement gadget you were offering than actually bringing home a baby that would need a stooopid stroller. Why don’t you just come over here and mention the words penis and enlargement while looking in KM’s direction so that when I’m picking up your remains off the sidewalk with a teaspoon maybe you’ll understand NEVER GONNA HAPPEN and take me off your list!

And that leads me to another thing.  A close friend recently came out with this little gem…”You could still get pregnant… you just don’t know.”

Excuse me while I put my head in a pillow and scream so that the infertile hulk inside me does not escape wanting to rip your head off just to get you to QUIET.  It’s ok I’ll be back with you in a minute… just gotta give that crazy pained part of me another tranquilizer. We’ll just pretend you did not just say that to me and things will carry on just like before.  No harm no foul no big deal…*gritted teeth grin*

You’re right… I don’t know. I can’t see into the future. I’m no mystique. I don’t know. I may one day have a child. Heck if there’s a real miracle I may even get pregnant… maybe… just the same as you might get hit by a bus tomorrow (not that I’m hoping or anything ) or win the lottery on Wednesday but your not gonna pin your hopes on it… ARE YOU? If you were upset about your money worries and I casually told you its ok you might still win the lottery you never know… you think I was at best rude and insensitive at worse delusional and crazy… you might laugh but if the worries are THAT bad you probably wouldn’t on the balance of probability not gonna happen.

So here’s the thing: if by some amazing wonderful hit the jackpot style luck at some point in my life I wind up pregnant… or… heavens actually have a child that calls me mum… I’ll be the first one jumping for joy and you can tell me “I told you so” or “I always knew it would happen” a billion times over and I won’t care!  Chances are I’ll be too busy looking at my child’s face or playing some kids game and I won’t really pay attention… or better yet the laughter and smiles will have you so drawn into our world that you will forget what it was you were going to lecture  me about.

But until then …I’m looking at the facts and trying to find a way to deal with the more likely situation that I’ll be living child free not by choice and I don’t wanna spend large amounts of time hoping or looking for some way… or thinking that the doctors must have made some mistake because it kills me inside. I can’t deal with it and I’ll waste away into a crying mess in the corner, looking at the hole in my heart instead of a smiling child’s face…

So I deal with it this way: I live believing that children (ok I should add children of my own here) are an impossibility in this life anyways and I choose to try and move on knowing that and having some form of VERY uneasy acceptance and trying to make a new life – one that’s so much different than what I pictured. I’m finding a way to cope with the worst case scenario here. If fate chooses somehow to surprise me, I’ll throw a frikkin’ party and send you an invite. UNTIL THEN… no more of this “you could still get pregnant” talk because for one thing it feels like your dismissing the problem as if I told you I cut my knee or I didn’t like my new haircut and that if I just do all the things you’ve read about it has to turn out ok. I’ve got news for you fertile friend THIS does not always turn out OK. Unfortunately the ability to conceive and give birth to a healthy child is a privilege and not a right..

And that second reason… don’t fill my head with images of me pregnant because they break my heart… and I can’t cope. I feel so fragile. You’ll walk away thinking you’ve given me hope when actually you just touched something really painful and left me crying when you’re not looking because I’m too proud to cry in front of you…and I don’t wanna put this on you… and I’m not sure you’d understand even if I did.

Thanks for listening

Ali xX

What really scares me … part 3 of my revelation.

As I was walking towards the Red Cross store last Friday afternoon, I walked past a sight that always brings a lump to my throat, causes me to take a little pause out of respect and leaves me feeling unnaturally deep in thought the rest of the day. Outside the local Catholic Church – three pristine glistening black vehicles – signs of the memorial going on inside those wall. My heart skips a beat and it may be my imagination but the place seems unusually quiet. I drop my eyes to the black tarmac at my feet an for a split second… think of the stranger who’s moved on and the people they leave behind and I wish them all peace.

In my life so far I have been fortunate to be relatively untouched by death, unavoidable as this sad occurrence is in my future.  I’ve never actually attended a funeral service for a loved one. There have been memorial services for a handful of people who are still deeply missed… and a service for an elderly neighbor I barely knew when I was ten, but up till now this event and the grief that comes with it is a foreigner to me… touch wood. Long may it stay that way.

I have no fear of death. I fear pain and how I might die… but death is inevitable. its the only certainty in life as Shakespeare so eloquently puts it “all that lives must die, passing through nature into eternity” (Hamlet). There have been very dark moments in my life that I may have even wished for it, closed my eyes and simply wanted to stop existing… but those days are gone and I don’t wish to dwell there.

I have a few recurrent dreams where I die. Well I say dreams… they are nightmares… vivid and shocking always. I wake gasping for air or on the edge of unstoppable tears.  Apparently its rather unusual to actually see the moment you die in a dream which only proves what many already suspected – I’m a little weird. The most memorable and frequent is of my own funeral. I see my coffin, an empty church, a lonely graveside, not a single person to morn my death or celebrate my life.  no flowers, no tears.  I die leaving no mark on the world totally unnoticed and leave little evidence behind of my existence   THAT SCARES ME…

I find it rather interesting that this childhood nightmare has come back to haunt my adult life pretty much since I found out about my PCOS. As if the lack of offspring in my future makes this fear more real, more troublesome. We live on in the memories of those we leave behind… and fate has put an almighty spanner in the works..

I have this burning desire now to make a difference in other ways, to touch peoples’ lives, to help in some way, anyway I can… as if…well, almost as if I have to make up in some way for my inability to be a mother.. I have this whole part of my life now where “being a parent”, “raising my kids” has been scrubbed from the schedule. All this empty time that I need to find things to fill it… to be useful… to try and make some ripples on the waters of existence… maybe to distract myself from what my heart feels should have been… so that the nightmare ending of my dreams does not come to be… so that a handful of people might remember me and smile.

Ali xX

That knocked up thing ..part 2 of my revelation.

I’ve always been curious about pregnancy for as long as I can remember. I know I’ve told you before that I always wanted to be a mum and that’s true but its more than that. I’ve always wanted to carry a baby. That’s why the whole adoption thing isn’t really working for me as an option. I feel selfish, but I wonder if I’d resent the child because I hadn’t been able to carry it.  That makes me a bad person saying that out loud. I’m sure there are many who would say if genetics matters to me that much maybe I’m not fit to be a mother anyway, but here I’d rather admit that openly than be faced with a the prospect of adopting a child when I’m not comfortable with the idea.

Understand me: I know there is more than one way to make a family:  adoption, surrogacy, egg and/or sperm donation…. all of them are just as valid. Its all about picking the options that will work for me personally. I’m not going to discuss these options in great detail. I’m not an expert and it would seem kind of rude to those who have done much more research and are going through or have been through any of these. If you want to know more, checkout Mel’s blog roll. You’ll be sure to find someone soooo much more informed than me. I’m only telling you my initial feelings. Ok my feelings as they are right now, after my initial period of mourning… the fact that I have to face these decisions at all… something which for me has been over 2 years stuck in dark depression hell. I can hear my mother right now “you’re such a drama queen, Ali.” and my only answer to that is “actually, yeah, I may be… but when your world comes crashing down around you, everyone reacts and comes to terms with it in there own way.” There’s no formula for it, and you shouldn’t have to feel bad or make excuses especially to your mum. You take the time you need – end of. In my case, you thank your lucky stars when you finally feel able to try and move forward.

I may seem uncaring, but I’m not gonna talk about Kayak Man’s views either.  Because if he wants to tell you maybe he should be the one to write about it… and secondly I figure I have to workout my own options first before we figure out if there’s common ground there. I’ll only tell you that the man wants to be a dad, and knowing that to be with me potentially he has to give up being a father. Hurts so bad sometimes I think he should cut his losses and move on.

Its funny you learn a lot about yourself when you’re forced to think about these things. For me, I want to carry a child.  Yeah, as strange as it sounds, I WANT to be pregnant and I’m under no illusions that it will be nine months of the most wonderful happy fulfilling time. I’m under no false impression that I’d be glowing for nine months or have a quick easy birth. No sir. I have a heart condition. I already deal with insomnia and fatigue. Pregnancy would be potentially complicated; most likely more hard days than good ones. I know that and still I long to see those two lines. I’d risk my life for it. I’m not saying that in a melodramatic way. I’ve really thought about this. It’s a simple fact. That the thing that really surprised me is that its not actually about genetics. Admittedly, of course, in an ideal situation the baby inside me would be mine and my partners: biological child, but if not I can live with that. Egg donation / sperm donation I can deal with, but tell me I can’t be knocked up and the way i feel right now… I’d rather not have kids at all. Is that weird? Will I change my mind at some point? I have no idea and I reserve the right to change my opinion. Nothing is set in stone here.

When I was a kid, pregnancy freaked me out. I mean the idea of a person growing inside you – actually growing in your tummy – Ewwwwww… and worse, the thing takes over your whole body it changes things.,, and basically it takes what it needs: nutrients, vitamins, whatever. You better put it there in your blood or else its just gonna strip them from your body… your bones… whatever…  why is it that this image reminds me of Kayak Man returning home to visit his parents for the weekend…having laundry done… raiding EVERYTHING from his moms kitchen cupboards, taking food… random kitchen appliances and anything else that catches his eye and then leaving again devastation in his wake. This almost 30 years after the pregnancy is over. Whoo he’s gonna kill me for “almost 30”… Aherm where was I…

Oh yeah… pregnancy… freaking me out… well, look, I’m big on control. When you carry a child, you have NO control.  That freaks me OUT,   but umm it’s kind of that same freak out feeling I get waiting in line for a rollercoaster. Yeah, I’m shaking. Yeah I’m freaked… I maybe even feel sick… hell IS IT MY TURN YET!!????!  Soooo exciting… aherm… yeah… don’t talk to me about “people with heart conditions should not ride”…  Not listening!

It’s like driving by a car wreck – people always slow down… they always look.  It’s curiosity… morbid curiosity. I feel that way about being pregnant: so curious… so… soo many questions… so much I want to feel and experience.   I NEED TO KNOW!!!

Ali xX