Ghosts.

“…speak no more:
Thou turn’st mine eyes into my very soul;
And there I see such black and grained spots
As will not leave their tinct.”
Hamlet
Queen Gertrude
Act 3 Scene 4.

My goal of 2010 with no panic attacks crashed and burned today. I’m terrified. I don’t want to leave the house. I’m so close to throwing everything away. Why? Because I’m full of back emotional holes that are eating me alive. I’d give anything for it to stop. I wish I could just stop. No, I’m not saying I’m about to take a dive off a railroad bridge or anything… but sometimes I wish I could just… pause… feel peace… stop fighting the bad guys… the demons inside my own head. Do I know why this is happening to me? Sure, but I don’t know how to beat it, and some days I don’t think I’m worth a fight.

I wish I could just block it out… a bar… and a few bottles of vodka are starting to look really frikking good. The rational part of me knows I only crave vodi when my head is spinning and I’m screwed up about something. I can’t start down that road not even one step. I’m scared of myself.

I spent the day trying to push this urge away, drown it out. Hell I almost begged Gadget Guy to stay at his machine and call me, frightened to even let him leave to grab some breakfast for goodness sake. I shook, my heart racing, my head just hurting, fighting the urge to throw up… fighting the urge to stop talking, stop telling someone about the things inside my head and just leave. Finally, I feel asleep. Thank you God. I woke up three or so hours later feeling physically well, turned to my usual chick flick Bewitched style TV; something cheerful and fun that I don’t have to think about to much. Don’t need to focus to understand. I watched a few episodes of Glee. Now I can’t tell you if I love this show or hate it. I can’t make my mind up, but I do know as a distraction it worked well. I might have to add the DVD’s to the Bewitched shelf of shame reserved for just these occasions.

I want to hold on so badly: to the future I’m trying to build, to the belief I’m a better than this. I’m worth more but it would be so easy to just let go. Dear God… somebody… hold me and don’t let me go…

I know I sound like a melodramatic basket case with a bad case of the emo. I’ll explain… I’ll try. I want to talk. Tonight I just don’t have the time or mental faculties for a long and complicated story that I don’t really understand….

I’m sorry.

Ali

A&E

Sometimes you just reach breaking point. Often you get there without even realizing. That’s what happened to me when I ripped a complete stranger a new one, totally out of the blue today. I am ashamed. The stranger in question was an A&E (that’s ER to you American guys) doctor and as a result I have been told I need to relax and rest because I’m exhausted. Exhausted and in pain. About a week ago while I was away I was helping a friend move a wardrobe up the stairs. I got about 5 steps up into this journey before I realized that this was a bad idea. In case you haven’t noticed, a wardrobe is pretty darnn heavy. Anyhow, we were half way up the stairs with this thing, so kind of committed to going forward. Next thing I know I slipped falling backwards down said stairs and hitting my head on the wall at the bottom. Ouch. Of course the wardrobe had to come and investigate the situation and followed me quickly down the stairs leaving me crumpled  on the floor screaming blue murder with a wardrobe on top of me… did I mention OUCH! I got some impressive bruises on my hands and feet a nice bump on my head and jarred everything on my right side: neck, shoulder, elbow, and wrist.

I haven’t explained this yet, but I went to visit a friend of mine who was due to have a baby while I was away. At this point she was a couple of days overdue. It was late and the money we had left was reserved for her taxi fare in case baby decided to put in an appearance. I was already feeling pretty stoopid after the fall. Something that was made worse by the fact that this woman who was NINE months pregnant and a few days,  succeeded in moving this massive piece of  furniture the rest of the way up the stairs with her partner.  She’s hardcore and maybe a little crazy. But I felt awful sitting in their living room while all this was going on. There was just no way I was going to drag her / her partner and possibly their two year old  out to the hospital on top of everything, so despite a couple of people (Aherm read KM and Gadget Guy ) nagging me to go and get checked out, I refused. I’m queen of stubborn at times. Sleeping on a couch with rib pain. More ouch ouch ouch ouch.

By the time I got home,  I was still having trouble with my arm and my ribs still hurt like hell so I agreed to go with KM to A&E and this is how we spent Saturday.  After waiting most of the afternoon and getting xrays into the bargain. I am now pleased to report I’m fine. Well, I STILL have a bruised tender spot on top of my head. I have a sprained wrist and a very bruised ribcage on my right side. It still hurts, but nothing serious and nothing broken. YAY!

I’m not sure what it was that pushed me over the edge, though I suspect it had a lot to do with sleep deprivation and the pain I’d been in for over a week. Or the fact that I’d been hanging around for most of a day just to find out there’s nothing anyone can do and I just have to suck it up. Or something to do with the fact that A&E staff do not have time for the tea and sympathy approach. While I was there I kept getting the distinct impression that I wasn’t being believed or listened to. I HATE that. But for some totally irrational reason I took exception to the doctor’s tone with me. I got into a mood and just wanted to leave. He must have noticed my change because he kept asking me if I was ok. I just wanted to get out of there but he carried on questioning me.  Is anyone else like me when you’re going to cry you just want whoever to let you get away so you can cry in private?  And as he made one last what I perceived to be smug comment.. I snapped. Yelled at him that No I wasn’t happy with the way I’d been treated… blah blah blah blah… it was awful I tell you awful and totally unjustified. This poor guy just stood there leaning against the wall watching me, listening… letting me rant and then, when I was done, he calmly asked me what would you like me to have done?  I had NO answer for him. You would think that would be the end of my emotional outburst, but no… this was going to be a train wreck as I reply  “I don’t knooow ” and promptly burst into tears… floods of them that I couldn’t get control of.  I left still sniveling and apologizing to this guy over and over. I am so embarrassed. I don’t make a habit of yelling my stoopid mouth off at complete strangers.

I have to rest… oh and apparently doctor says no more moving wardrobes.

Ali xX

More talk of sleep,volunteering and that work thing.

Sleep problems are back to bother me again and this time they have taken on a new form just to confuse/irritate me. For the last few nights I’ve been having this issue where I’m drifting off to sleep can’t keep my eyes open type thing… so comfortable on my pillow. I just know I’m so close to that wonderful land of nod when something happens. The best way for me to describe it is that I somehow get startled back awake like something scared me or made me jump out of my skin. I find myself heart racing, dry mouth, tingles to the tips of my fingers and toes…. the whole deal as if something really frikkin’ frightened me. So bizarre and if it was a one off, no big deal – just close your eyes, breathe, count to ten and go back to sleep. Yeah, except this same occurrence is repeating every time I’m about to drop off. It’s like my brain is actually SCARED it might fall asleep. What’s going on with that!? I need my sleep and you know having these repeated little adrenaline spikes – that’s exhausting in itself.

In other news I’ve started on the mammoth task of filling in all the paper work required to volunteer at the local hospital before the interview on the 26th of June. There are pages and pages of this form – criminal record check, confidentiality agreement, medical questionnaire… all very necessary to safeguard myself and of course employees and patients.  I get it. I’m not complaining (much), it’s just time consuming and heck I need my doctor’s help for this medical thing. I don’t understand half the questions then there are other times when my answers are too long and detailed for the space given to me. They want exact dates too. Immunizations… hmmm… see all I know is while I was young a bunch of needles got stuck in me at various different times. Some medical terms were vaguely mentioned, but I don’t trust myself to remember what they all were for and as for DATES… pfft… forget it.  I’ve made first contact with another couple of volunteering opportunities too, trying to make myself busy with things that will support this all important college application next year.

I’m changing job broker again. Apparently the advisor in my area has moved on, so I’ll be working with someone else yet again. I have to go and meet the new lady next week. I really hope this is going to be a lot less frustrating and more helpful now that I know what hours I need to keep available for college. On that subject I’m thinking more and more that it may be wise for me to look to take on part time work only, given all that I was told about how though this college thing is going to be. I’m so scared to take on too much and wind up back in a right mess losing the will to live (read: falling back into depression /anxiety). There must be someone out there who has about 20 hours a week work for me. I will keep hunting!

Oh and yeah I know its only National Donut Day over in the USA, but I’m celebrating anyways… mmm donuts

Ali xX

Go to Sleep !

I had a terrible week last week. It was like back tracking at the speed of light. I just didn’t feel right and spent a good portion of most days in bed or slobbing about on the sofa with no reasonable excuse other than the odd aches and pains. I have no idea what the reason for this complete backwards slide but motivation deserted me only to be replaced by mild panic at best and actual fear of the world outside my home at worst. It sucked and as a result I let others down and I hate that I didn’t make any of my three shifts in the Red Cross charity shop and even had to send Kayak Man over there to make excuses… aherm… let them know. I felt totally unable to attend either of my First Aid meetings aswell. Yep, last week I kept to precisely zero of my commitments. I’m not happy about the situation seen as I also stopped eating correctly and as a result missed some doses of my medication. Talk about being in a hole with a shovel still digging.  How on earth can I expect the situation to improve if I’m not getting the right meds?  Sometimes I feel like my mind just wanders off  and last week it was defiantly on vacation.

This week is much better, thank goodness. Yep, I’m doing all my shifts in the store.  the bad news is I’m having serious sleep issues. In fact as I write this, I’ve gone a total of four days with no more than two or three hours of sleep. Despite actually eating proper meals I feel weak and a little shaky. This caused me to totally flunk my First Aid course AGAIN last night. That’s two assessment weeks in a row I’ve messed up and as a result I will have to wait till the next course starts and take the whole thing again. On the plus side,  at least by the time I get done I might actually know what I’m doing and not just enough to scrape by in an assessment situation… and to be fair I did join this current course half way through anyway so maybe its all for the best. I need to sleep. Really really need. My body knows this. I’m exhausted. I sit here finding it hard to focus or keep my eyes open. I’ve tried reading but I can’t concentrate on letters on the page long enough to form them into words or sentences. I watch TV on the couch… you know when you’re hearing this but not really listening. I feel like I’ve been in that type of daze for 2 days and STILL as soon as I get in bed my eyes pop open and the cogs in my brain start turning so fast I swear there must be smoke coming out my ears… maybe my nostrils too. I’m exhausted but for some reason my brain REFUSES to give in and GO TO SLEEP! You see… when I get myself in this mess I can’t stop talking. I talk about the most random senseless stuff. It’s like I’m streaming my thoughts for all to hear. It’s disjointed and jumping around from topic to topic with no warning about changing the subject. I’d imagine it’s pretty annoying for those around me and I know its getting worse when more than one person has told me “Ali you really need to get some rest”.  I KNOWWWW … any ideas where my power down switch might be?  Now, usually, I have something bothering me… some event or conversation or person that’s just getting under my skin and I worry and stress and it eats at me and so I can’t slip off to dreamland but honestly I have no clue what it could be this time. None. I don’t feel stressed, actually. Compared to last week, I’m positively upbeat with my eyes focused on the future and my goals. No idea what’s going on. None.  I hope I figure it out soon – Gadget Guy is starting to tell me I need to go see somebody about this and perhaps think about some more medication. Whooo it’s bad when he starts talking like that, as if I’m not a walking rattling pill box already ..

Desperately seeking zzz’s

Ali xX

Missing : “ZZZ’s”

I didn’t sleep last night… in fact I didn’t sleep at all today so everything I tell you is coming from the brain of a woman surrounded by the fog of not being able to think straight because her internal monologue is stuck on I need sleep… must sleep… why can’t I sleep… with various shades of groaning in-between. I have known the difference between “tired” and “sleepy” since my teens and I can assure you it’s perfectly possible to be completely wiped out, exhausted, knackered, and yet sleepiness seems miles away….as if the very act of my head touching the pillow sets off the alarm clock in my brain – WAKE UP !!!  Suddenly I’m thinking about anything and everything. I’d love to be more specific here but my thoughts race, jumping from subject to subject faster than your average speed dater while my brain seems to be running behind like the chick wobbling in high heels desperately trying to catch the bus. Thoughts are half formed, images not quite there, pieces missing.  This is not logical thought…and all it ever leads to is me tangled in the sheets from all the tossing and turning wondering WHYY  I’m still awake when  the rest of the world apparently has this sleep thing down. Even the shadows on my walls don’t move. I know. I’ve watched them for long enough.

The insomnia thing has been getting better. I do sleep most days now, anywhere between 3 and 8 hours… which is a vast improvement on where I was a year ago when I could go without sleeping three whole days regularly. After three days, just talking is a struggle and your brain makes you believe some VERY strange things, I’ve had actual fights with people before I realize the conversation I think we had was IN MY HEAD!  It feels so real to me, so vivid, I’ll swear to you it actually happened till I’m blue in the face.

Sleeping more now is a great thing! But… somehow its like my body has readjusted and whereas before I could go without for 24 hours and not bat and eyelid, today I’m totally crashing.  My brain is stalling and thoughts just don’t go together.  They all seem to be bouncing of this wall graffiti’ed with the words GO TO SLEEP in letters 6 foot high!

As a result of this, I actually achieved very little today. I did not progress with the clear out, I did not take the photo’s I said I would be posting today (coming soon honest) and I failed to get in touch with the job center today too though this wasn’t for lack of trying.  Expecting a call back tomorrow, fingers crossed .

I do have a couple of shining specks of good news in all this gloom… I have managed to actually get hold of the registration papers for my new doctor.  I actually filled them out too, ready to go back tomorrow, appointment to follow. I’m so pleased to have movement on the doctor issue even if it is just a small step. Also managed to register with an NHS dentist today – yes they DO exist and I got one. Yaaay!  Have my first appointment April 17th but let’s not think about that now otherwise I’ll be a shaking wreck.  Not sleeping again tonight. I guess that’s another of my cliché’s. I HATE the dentist and seen as we have been unable to find NHS service; my budget had a hissy fit and imploded at the mere thought of going private. I haven’t seen one in over a year so you just know this is going to be painful. Anyone wanna come hold my hand  ……..no?

I have resolved… if I don’t sleep tonight I will refuse to stare at the walls, going quietly mad tomorrow and instead I will attempt to bore myself to dreamland  by researching tips on how to get a good nights worth of zzz’s,..  Any tips or suggestions most welcome.

Ali xX

K.S.: I’m a step closer tonight to getting some of my medical questions answered.