July IComLeavWe

It’s that time again  July IComLeavWe is here! A very warm welcome to you if that’s how you came to be here. This is the first time I’ve written a little intro for the occasion and to be honest I’m pretty nervous. Let me get the thing that’s worrying me out of the way first. I’m an infertile wanna be midwife. I write about all parts of my life on my blog so sometimes you’ll find me ranting about the pain and injustice of infertility because, let’s face it, this thing is a bitch… but then in other posts I’ll be talking about my feelings and my journey  as I chase my dream to become a registered midwife in the UK. I say this upfront because I absolutely do not want anything I write about here to cause you distress, so if you are feeling fragile or just not in the mood  please go ahead and bypass my ramblings. I will not take offense, I promise. Please know that you take with you my very best wishes in hopes that your dreams come true.

I have PCOS (DX Summer 2006) and some other medical history including a heart problem which basically means the chances of me conceiving and then safely carrying a baby to term are… well, ridiculously small. At the time that all this came to light, I struggling to recover from an abusive relationship with my father as a result of which, amongst other things, means that relations between me and my mum are very strained at best. By the end of 2006 I had lost my job, seen a relationship break down, moved house and was suffering anxiety and severe depression. I’m not proud of it, but things just all fell apart. Fast forward to now and you join me as I’m trying to put the pieces all back together. I haven’t had a panic attack in months (fingers crossed).  I’m returning to college in September. I’m looking for work (me and a million other people).  I’m in a relationship with a guy who’s been my close friend for nearly 8 years. At 27 he just graduated college and wants us to be married by this time next year. While we are not TTC at the moment I really struggle with commitment because of my past and my infertility.

Welcome to my journey…

Oh I should introduce the guy in the background.  We refer to him as Gadget Guy. He’s a very good friend I met online.  He currently lives in Chicago with Mrs. Gadget Guy and their oh so cute bunny Chip and he looooves gadgets (the clues in the name). (Editor: Hello… Gadget Guy here… <waves>!) I tell you about him because, well, I’m dyslexic and he’s my editor/human spell checker.  If you want to read about it the info is here.

My master plan is here

If you think I’m crazy for wanting to be a midwife, you should read these posts.

A few people have written their A-Z for an intro over the last couple of months. Such a cute idea, I had to give it a go:

A: America – My Favorite place to Travel /explore/learn about/the place I would live if given the choice.

B: Baseball – My sport. The only one I really follow

C: Cooking – something I wish I was better at

D:  Dyslexic- Yes I am.

E: Exercise – also referred to as the “E” thing. Something I need to do more of.

F: French – The only other language I can speak.

G: Gadget Guy- My good friend from Chicago also my human spell checker

H: Home – something I’m looking for.

I: Infertility – the main cause of my depression / frustration… perhaps anger.

J: Job Seeking – uugh it sucks

K: Kayak Man – My significant other

L: Liverpool – the nearest big city to me

M: Midwife – something I hope to become.

N: Needle Work – something I wish I had more time for

O: Ocean – something very beautiful to me.

P: PCOS – something I struggle with

Q: Questions – I often have them and I nearly always answer them when I’m asked.

R: Reading – something I will be doing a lot more of over the next few years.

S: Scottish – my actual nationality

T: Theatre – my forgotten passion. How I miss it

U: University – The journey I hope to start, that Kayak Man just finished

V: Volunteer- something I do for the Red Cross and local hospital.

W: Wedding – the most stressful word in my life at the moment.

X= Kisses! – I know I cheated but how can you not love them the chocolate kind and the real ones.

Y: Yankees – My team  see B

Z: Zamboni – possibly my most favorite word it always makes me chuckle

So there we have it Ali from A- Z … Happy IComLeavWe.

Ali xX

Feeling his age.

Ever since our babysitting trip on Friday, something is not quite right with my Kayak Man. He seems sullen and really a bit depressed. In fact, I even witnessed him crying but we won’t tell anyone about that now, will we internets… because he does not like people to know that he cries real tears like the rest of the human race. No he does not.

This is most unusual and rather worrying because, let’s face it, the role of emotional mess is sooo taken care of in this relationship. I got it covered and then some but if there’s one thing worse than crying my eyes out  its watching him cry because pah I cry allll the time. KM NEVER cries and when he does it kills me.  I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make it all better. Where is his fairy godmother anyways? can someone tell that biotch she’s late.

I knew something was up from the topic of conversation as we walked over to his sister’s. First he starts openly talking about how he’s almost thirty and straight away I’m alll shhhhhhhh we don’t talk about that because I’m only 1 measly year younger than you and and if you’re almost there that means I’m RIGHT BEHIND YOU. AAAHHH!  But it gets worse… just as I’m pushing the thought of the big 3-0 out of my brain he goes on to say that he’s technically middle aged.  Cue me WHAT Excuse me????  Apparently this conclusion was reached by him taking the average life expectancy for a bloke (currently 76 in the UK according to good old Google), dividing this figure by three puts him just into the second third of his life and therefore he deduces just into Middle Aged!!!!!!  OK see, at this point It’s all I can do to keep listening and not freak the heck out. I …*I* am not ready to contemplate this label yet, I can tell you that for nothing. He assures me its ok I have a few years to go as female life expectancy is actually higher (currently 81 -  goggle is my friend ) Pheeeewww. I breathe a sigh of relief . We said no more about it the rest of the way, but I was quietly left thinking that KM needs a job or something to do soon as he has far too much time on the couch to think about these things apparently.

I thought it was over, but I was not so lucky. Today he opens the conversation again stating that right now he feels about ten years behind his life plan. You know where he thought he’d be age thirty. Whooo Boy… tell me about it. I mean at one point in time I literally thought life would be worthless after 40 (sad but true). I figured by thirty… well lets just say I didn’t think I’d be where I am now.

I feel for the guy. I do. I mean currently we still live in a house owned by his mother. His parents are instrumental in supporting him/us financially (to be fair here, KM did work for several years and went back to college full time because his parents suggested it and offered financial help). Currently we are both desperately looking for work; he after three years out at college and me after almost 3 years out sick. (Yikes its hard to type that). Right now life seems hard and so far from what we both imagined. And that’s before you even get into all the “I wanted to have kids by now “  heartache.

I’m so proud of him for going back to college and trying to better himself/his prospects/his future… whatever.  I desperately want to follow his example by returning to uni next year. Both of us are working at getting to a place we want to be. There’s even the potential of major change /relocation next year, something that we both are aiming for, so it’s not all bad… but sometimes it feels like wading through treacle.  It’s hard going and KM seems a little bogged down and stuck. Well I guess in all honesty we both are in a bit of a funk at the moment, but I’m hoping he can catch a break soon because… he’s a proud guy, he’s been through a lot and built his self esteem up from a very low point. He deserves it. He needs it.

Is this what they call a quaterlife crisis hmmm??!!?

Ali xX

More talk of sleep,volunteering and that work thing.

Sleep problems are back to bother me again and this time they have taken on a new form just to confuse/irritate me. For the last few nights I’ve been having this issue where I’m drifting off to sleep can’t keep my eyes open type thing… so comfortable on my pillow. I just know I’m so close to that wonderful land of nod when something happens. The best way for me to describe it is that I somehow get startled back awake like something scared me or made me jump out of my skin. I find myself heart racing, dry mouth, tingles to the tips of my fingers and toes…. the whole deal as if something really frikkin’ frightened me. So bizarre and if it was a one off, no big deal – just close your eyes, breathe, count to ten and go back to sleep. Yeah, except this same occurrence is repeating every time I’m about to drop off. It’s like my brain is actually SCARED it might fall asleep. What’s going on with that!? I need my sleep and you know having these repeated little adrenaline spikes – that’s exhausting in itself.

In other news I’ve started on the mammoth task of filling in all the paper work required to volunteer at the local hospital before the interview on the 26th of June. There are pages and pages of this form – criminal record check, confidentiality agreement, medical questionnaire… all very necessary to safeguard myself and of course employees and patients.  I get it. I’m not complaining (much), it’s just time consuming and heck I need my doctor’s help for this medical thing. I don’t understand half the questions then there are other times when my answers are too long and detailed for the space given to me. They want exact dates too. Immunizations… hmmm… see all I know is while I was young a bunch of needles got stuck in me at various different times. Some medical terms were vaguely mentioned, but I don’t trust myself to remember what they all were for and as for DATES… pfft… forget it.  I’ve made first contact with another couple of volunteering opportunities too, trying to make myself busy with things that will support this all important college application next year.

I’m changing job broker again. Apparently the advisor in my area has moved on, so I’ll be working with someone else yet again. I have to go and meet the new lady next week. I really hope this is going to be a lot less frustrating and more helpful now that I know what hours I need to keep available for college. On that subject I’m thinking more and more that it may be wise for me to look to take on part time work only, given all that I was told about how though this college thing is going to be. I’m so scared to take on too much and wind up back in a right mess losing the will to live (read: falling back into depression /anxiety). There must be someone out there who has about 20 hours a week work for me. I will keep hunting!

Oh and yeah I know its only National Donut Day over in the USA, but I’m celebrating anyways… mmm donuts

Ali xX

The 2 MONTH wait !?

I did actually go out to the weekly Red Cross meeting tonight despite not actually feeling much better than yesterday, but I was able to get my paperwork started. I’m on my way to becoming a full volunteer with uniform and ID badge an all, which should mean that eventually I can actually do public duty as a volunteer.  W00t! From what I’ve heard, these things can take a good few months so I’m not gonna hold my breath, but hay at least the process is started. They have some very interesting additional training courses coming up too, all very exciting.

As you’ll gather, I’ve not really been feeling myself so I’ve let some of my posting slip, so let’s try to bring things up to speed.  The company I had an interview with a couple of weeks ago got back to me and unfortunately I wasn’t successful this time (I kind of knew that already, still… BOO   ). When I asked for feed back or anything I could improve on in the interview, got nuffin… NOTHING. Actually she said she was very pleased with how things went and so was her boss.  YAY GO ME! It’s just they did have a lot of applicants and this time the position went to someone with a little more experience. Mmhum… totally understandable.  They ARE keeping my information on file and will possibly be contacting me about another vacancy in a few weeks and they WOULD like to have me apply again in the future.  So I guess that’s as good as the bad news (I didn’t actually get a job) can get. Actually, I’m very happy about the outcome at least I now know I can go to interviews and not embarrass myself and that’s always a plus.

I thought the hospital had forgotten my application to volunteer with them as I hadn’t heard a peep out of anyone over there since I sent the form in before Easter, BUT it turns out they have actually contacted my references. It’s great when the references are friends and actually call to tell you these things. Both my loyal mates have done their bit and the information was sent back at the beginning of this week, so at least I know things are still ticking along on that front, all be it sloowly.

Talk about slooooow… my college application is killing me.  I thought I had a 4 week wait till I would find out if I’m accepted onto the course that I soo want to do next year and was super SUPER excited when I received a letter from said institution this week  UNTIL I opened it up.  The form letter was to let me know my application had been received (YAY) and that they will be in touch again when they start the selection process IN JULY!  Wait… July? I have to wait 2 whole months!! … 2 months… the nail biting continues… gotta keep those fingers crossed longer too!

Kaykak Man moved on from grilling… to trying to MAKE/BURN his own charcoal. Yes you read that right.  Uh huh… he may be crazy. All I know is it makes one hell of a lot of needless mess AND seems to make a fun hobby like grilling good food needlessly complicated and annoying. I’ve tried everything to make him stop: reason, nagging, more reason… THE LOOK… the exasperated WTF are you doing sigh.  I’ve pleaded, I do not beg… but NOTHING is working and even though the first batch was a disaster and had him black from head to foot so that he looked like he’d been stuck down a Welsh coal mine for about 3 weeks, apparently he’ll be trying again soon because “he knows what he did wrong now”.  Yeah I’m banging my head against a brick wall. Oh oh… he sliced a notch out of his finger with a knife while I was out the other day and refuses to go and see anyone until it goes green. Yeah that’s what he said – IF it turns green because of infection then he’ll go see someone. There’s gonna be a permanent dent in that finger for sure. We’re not talking about a small cut here. Yet more proof he’s not only crazy but almost as stubborn as me. Sheesks!  On the plus side he only has TWO exams left. Yeah he FINNISHES his 3 years of Software Engineering degree in to weeks!!! I could dance for joy, but I won’t until I know he actually passed. I’m so excited for him and and and… Finally I might be able to stop worrying about him and his attendance record at school.. I CAN NOT WAIT!!!

Ali xX

K.S: Woohoo for actually going outside and keeping to commitments even when you feel awful… that’s grown up behavior, that is!

Don’t call us …

I would say I had forgotten just how much the interview process is painful, but I’d be lying. I’ve always hated them and in my experience I would be in the majority with this view. Interviews suck.  The job I went for does not suck.  The company came over very professional with a clear idea of the market they are aiming for and a way of working that I could really get on boarded with… AND the color scheme for the place is black and purple which is just totally me. Honestly, if I could have designed it from scratch it would have looked pretty much AS IS. Yep, I think I would fit in and I think I could really be great at the job. Oh and did I mention I want to go back to work so bad its killing me! Yeah, me and a million other people.

And there’s the problem: do I think I would rock at this job? Oh yep I do… however I am sure there are plenty of other people who could also rock it. I don’t think I’m ace at the selling myself part. Let’s face it, its kind of hard to sell. I’ve been off sick for 2 years but I’ve rebuilt myself and I’m sooooooooo ready to get back to making a contribution to society. Pleeease take a chance on me… I’m not proud of where I’ve been for the last two years, so expecting me to sell it… pffft akward.

The interview was NOT a total disaster. I don’t feel I was out if my depth  nor do I feel that anyone was laughing at me  or wondering why I was there (so my nightmares did not come true). I was truly interested by the place, plus I just loved seeing how it was designed. I did not waste my time. That said, I don’t think I’ll be celebrating. Unfortunately the current economic climate and the uphill struggle of getting off long term sick benefit and back into work  made more like climbing a sheer cliff face. They have had more applications for this one post than ever before and the interview was peppered with don’t give up but don’t call us we’ll call you type phrases. Don’t you just love those!? Why do we have to swallow this oh so thinly sugar coated stuff?  I’d so much rather people were just honest. You didn’t get it, but here’s some feedback/pointers/things to work on..

I need to get better control of my nerves, though. I came right out of there and had a panic attack in the center of town.  Just a mild one. I didn’t collapse in a mess. I was kind of sick, though. I’m not even sure it was related to the stress from the interview, but it’s left me feeling pretty shaken up. I certainly don’t feel as confident today as I did 24 hours ago. I’m not too disheartened. I read once that people attend on average 8 interviews before actually being successful, in which case I have 7 more to go before I hit average.

*Sigh*…

I will not give up … on with the search…

Ali xX

K.S. Kayak Man finally handed in his project and is no longer yelling at his PC.

News : the good, the bad & the ugly.

Forgive me for failing to write anything yesterday. I did a lot more exercises than is usual for me and boy was I feeling it. My knees where creaking worse than an old rocking chair.  Why, you ask, did I push myself so far? Well, you see, I had my first session of actual First Aid training booked for yesterday. Unfortunately, I was also still lacking bus fare.  Yes, I could have missed it and joined the next course, but I have no idea when that would have been and I’m already joining this one half way through with a catch up session planned. I felt more comfortable with the idea of joining this course because I knew of two other newbies joining this week. Safety in numbers, I reckon, so I decided to walk it.  It took me about an hour to get into the center of Birkenhead. That’s way too long and just proves I’m so unfit.  You know it’s bad when you arrive and you hear “uugh I feel how you look!”  Hay but at least I was there with the motivational struggles I’ve had. I’m proud of that. Of course I had to walk an hour home again, too. My body is protesting today. In fact I was due to go back for the regular meeting tonight but just couldn’t face that walk again. It’s not a compulsory meeting. I won’t miss too much and of course I’ll be back next week.

Back tracking today… I’ve done nothing, barely got out of bed and had to be talked into eating because I so didn’t feel like it. The thought of food was making me ill and super fussy. There was just nothing I wanted to digest in the house. This is still a childish behavior and I should know better. I should have better control over my body… no food = no meds… and NO MEDS is bad! Yup, today I was an idiot and totally lame. I finally did eat a small portion of tinned fruit and I felt so full I could have sworn I was going to burst. Admittedly I had taken my Metformin too so I’m not sure what was making me feel so sick – the food or the pill. My heart was racing there for a little while. Sucks and so frustrating.

One thing I did notice today is just how used to swallowing pills my body has gotten. I mean, for example, when I was younger I would have trouble swallowing even one tiny little thing. Honestly, my mum used to hide the thing in a spoonful of jam or a slice of apple just to get me to take it  (yeah Gadget Guy did point out that’s how they give meds to dogs and cats. Thanks, dude ). But now, even tough I had been struggling to eat all frikkin’ day,  I can happily hold a selection of six or seven different pills in the palm of my hand, toss my head back and swallow them without thinking with the same ease as my beloved M&M’s. That’s nuts. I take so many of the things I’m surprised I don’t rattle like my pill box.

Medically: do you want the good news or the bad news? Let’s start with the bad, that way you know things are gonna get better. I got news about my dad today. Not good. He’s in a really bad way, has had another stroke I didn’t know about. Broke his hip too… refused physio treatment and is now permanently wheelchair bound. He was refusing to eat which they thought was depression…until they took him to the dentist. I’ll not go into everything that was wrong, but shit he must have been in pain for ages without saying anything (he doesn’t / can’t really talk much). The upshot of it all is the poor man has had ALL of his teeth removed. Kind of ironic since he spent most of his life developing, among other things, some of the most well known brands of toothpaste. Also ironic is that I have my first dentist appointment in about 2 years tomorrow. I have always hated the dentist, but that’s one thing I won’t be skipping out on ANYMORE!

I’m gutted to see my dad this way. He’s only 62. I experience so many different emotions with everything that’s gone on between us.  I feel like my brain just hit a brick wall and splattered a mess of feelings all over the place… guilt, anger, compassion… more guilt… some numbness. I don’t think I’m really ready to talk about it yet. Maybe when I’ve made some more sense out of things. It’s never cut and dry, is it?

The good news: my friend’s ultrasound was absolutely fine. Her due date is October 30th. Ohhhhh I want this kid to be born on Halloween so much… it just appeals to the former Goth in me. How cool would that be! I panicked about it the whole flipping day till she called me. I was a mess. It seems a little crazy… there was no reason to think anything would be wrong.. I just… I… I find myself always fearing the worst re: pregnancy. The worry makes me sick… physically SICK.

Other changes today: Gadget Guy worked his ass off to create a Health Journal for me – an easy place where I can record all my symptoms and feelings daily so I can keep an eye on things. I should have done this ages ago. He’s been kicking my ass about it for months. I need to keep better track of things so I can notice any changes.. I have dutifully promised to complete it everyday from now on… promises you make to close friends are serious things. I better not screw up.

Note to self: ALWAYS PAY ATTENTION WHEN CHECKING YOUR E-MAIL!!! .. Right under the message about my father… other important news:  I was so wrapped up in the dad thing I nearly missed it. Now I don’t want to jinx this. I’m so nervous. I’m not expecting anything at all… but…

*whispers really quietly* I have a job interview…

Ali xX

K.S.: I’m getting stronger… I may have had a bad day… but it was just one day not several and I am still anti depressant free.

Feeling Blaaa..

I got an interesting phone call this morning from a company I was on course with back in December, said course designed to boost my confidence and get me back into work. While it may not have succeeded in the employment part of this aim, which was a tall ask anyway seen as in total I was only working with them for 6 weeks. It was a fantastic boost for me and gave me some self belief back and a sliver of motivation.  It may, in fact, have been one of the first tentative steps towards recovery that I made. Basically the call was asking permission to put my CV forward for a hotel receptionist vacancy in Liverpool. Of course I said yes! I did this job before and loved it, despite the long hours and many challenges it brings. I actually think I was quite good at it.  The trouble is its so long since I’ve made any form of application for work that its kind of hanging around in my mind a little. I know the best thing to do in this situation is just not to think (read worry) about it. Whatever happens… happens…  but I’m finding it hard. I so badly want to be back in work.

Second week at the weekly meeting for Red Cross volunteers this week I learned good old CPR… mouth to mouth… kiss of life…  whoa there steady on.  I’m glad we went over this as every time I learn it accepted practice seems to change. The kiss of life actually now appears to involve a lot less mouth to mouth  breaths and a lot more chest compressions which now take place right between the nipples.  I’m glad I got updated while of course hoping that I am NEVER in a position of needing to use it.  First aid is one of those things I truly believe everybody should learn. I mean it doesn’t take long… its not that hard… and seriously these little pieces of information save lives. It should be taught in schools or something. I now have extra class with the Red Cross on a Wednesday night as I work towards my standard First Aid Certificate. I’m so pleased I’ve been offered this opportunity so soon after joining. I mean I don’t even have all my paperwork in yet!

Yup my tits are STILL bugging the heck out of me… and that’s all I have to say about that.

I have this lingering sadness today. I’m not really sure what the why is. Worrying about people, friendships… feeling a little bit numb, like I’m  in the way rather than making a valid contribution. Sort of like the changes I’m trying to make are small, insignificant and pretty stupid. I’m hoping its short lived, but it kind of means I’m at lost for what to talk about. I’ve tried to put into words how I feel and what’s bothering me, but its just not coming together right. I can’t explain it. Not right now anyway. Lack of motivation… blaaa..   

Ali xX

K.S. can’t wait for my first aid training!

Its time to play ball.

Yankees win! THE YANKEES WIN!!!  OMG it feels soo good to hear that again and if you know anything about my feelings on the Chicago baseball divide you’ll understand that a 7-4 victory over the Cubs is just that little bit sweeter.  Baseball is baaaaack !  And life suddenly feels a little better.  Admittedly it was only an exhibition game.  It’s not like the actual season is underway. But it’s coming… and that’s reason for GREAT JOY.  The first game in the Yankees new home. So strange seeing the old place still lit up just across the street. I feel utterly in love with baseball in that park even though I can’t describe myself as a true fan being on the other side of the Atlantic. Makes following the team kind of hard and in truth I only ever saw a few games in the house that Ruth built. Still I cried like a baby watching the final game and to be honest I had really no interest in going to the new home. I’m saying not that’s changed tonight but the new stadium does look great and one thing for sure I still love the Yankee pinstripes. There’s such a great feeling poised at the start of a new season full of hope – after all anything is still possible. Maybe the great thing about sport – you get a clean slate, a new beginning every year although I guess you have to ignore the expectation that come with previous success or the “curse” of a century long drought. This week it all begins again. Bring it on!  LET’S GO YANKEES!!

Ball games aside, I was at the job center again today to see the job broker and to be honest I feel a little like I wasted my time – I was only with the guy maybe 15 minutes. When you think that its a half and hour walk to get there and of course 30 minutes to come home as well – the appointment was kind of a non event. I wouldn’t mind but I don’t really feel like anything was achieved.  He was not able to get my CV off the floppy disk so no progress there. I suspected as much when I didn’t receive an email copy from him, so I had my back-up paper copy with me which he too was saying he was gonna type it up and work on it for me. By the end of our encounter he had handed it back saying I should type it up and email him. This isn’t really a big deal except that being dyslexic typing/spelling and punctuation are difficult for me to say the least. So the task that would probably take him all of 15 minutes will take me soo much longer and still need checking and correcting by somebody else – just ask Gadget Guy who fixes all of these posts for me. Poor guy. Still no biggie. I passed the thing to Kayak Man who is gonna cover the typing for me (HA see how I master the art of delegation!)

Moving on to job search – given what I’ve said about my disability above suggesting vacancies such as office assistant – a role that require great typing skills – is just not gonna work for me and TBH I could have check the job centers webpage at home on my own.  On the plus side he is going to look for colleges offering the access to higher education course as an evening class and I’m getting booked on the confidence building course that the company runs. I think this is a good option for me. I’m expecting a call with all the information on Monday and if nothing else at least I got a long walk in the sunshine.

I’m so pleased to say that I seem to have come through my latest phase of my eating issue and have managed to do three meals a day for most of this week – progress yay!  Touch wood. So far no terrible sickness from the Metformin though I do feel a little off for about 45 minutes after I take it but nothing I can’t cope with. AF showed up this evening too and this is the second month this has happened without the gut wrenching cramps that are usually my crippling warning sign  its about to make an appearance.  Evening primrose oil FTW!

Ali xX

K.S. Baseball baseball baseball… *Happy dance*

Eating problems & Work ambitions.

Very little I can say… lots of ideas… possible plans or schemes taking shape in my head and I don’t want to say too much too soon.

My appointment with the new job broker went great… it did feel a bit like 20 Questions as he tired to get all the information he needed from me, but I’m pleased that he was being thorough and already he seems much more professional than the previous company. Not hard, seen as I was with the last one 3 months… I only actually had one appointment then they promptly forgot who I was,  I don’t mean that I didn’t get in contact either, I called and they actually told me they had no idea who I was or why I wanted an appointment with their advisor… hmmm time to switch companies? I think so!  I’m feeling pleased with myself for actually being organized enough to bring copies of my CV without being prompted with both the paper and the floppy disk versions (who uses floppy disks now anyway?  my machine doesn’t even have that drive anymore lol )

I already have a date for the next meeting: 2 weeks from now.  In the meantime, the broker will work on my CV and I have to start getting a feel for what might be out there in the job market, checking local papers /websites, etc. I actually spent most of the afternoon searching the web looking into some further training possibilities but it’s defiantly too early to talk about those in public! Cross your fingers for good things to come from this. I’m thinking positive.

No progress as yet on the list of questions for the doctor… that’s my task for tomorrow. I meant to get started this afternoon but I must have been in catching up on sleep mode. I laid down for a 20 minutes rest and woke up about three hours later. At least I’m sleeping.

This brings me to another issue I’m struggling with at the moment: I’m having real trouble eating 3 meals a day.  I just don’t get hungry. Food is just not appetizing to me and sometimes the sight of a portion makes me feel ill. I actually forget to eat. You would never think it from the size of me sadly. When I do remember I can only manage smaller portions before feeling full and from time to time I experience waves of nausea, have to fight to keep what I have eaten in my belly. So I have an eating problem… I don’t have an eating disorder. I’m perfectly aware that I’m overweight but this aversion to eating has nothing to do with wanting to lose pounds.  I’m committed to sorting my diet, yes, but losing weight by starving myself is not my plan. It doesn’t take long for this issue to become very frustrating.  It’s no good in terms of the plan either because naturally if I’m not getting proper nutrition / meals, it’s only a couple of days before I’m feeling weak, tired and unable to do anything – lacking motivation. I’ve had this issue on and off for a long time. I’d been getting my three meals for a couple of months now including the morning bowl of oats I started as part of this plan.  but the last three days things have gone downhill.  Wondering if its stress related… maybe I need some sort of alarm to remind me to go and eat something. I’m sure if I could just get into a routine things would improve.   

Ali xX

K.S.: progress on the work front? Perhaps studying again? I do believe I have new ambitions today.