Ghosts.

“…speak no more:
Thou turn’st mine eyes into my very soul;
And there I see such black and grained spots
As will not leave their tinct.”
Hamlet
Queen Gertrude
Act 3 Scene 4.

My goal of 2010 with no panic attacks crashed and burned today. I’m terrified. I don’t want to leave the house. I’m so close to throwing everything away. Why? Because I’m full of back emotional holes that are eating me alive. I’d give anything for it to stop. I wish I could just stop. No, I’m not saying I’m about to take a dive off a railroad bridge or anything… but sometimes I wish I could just… pause… feel peace… stop fighting the bad guys… the demons inside my own head. Do I know why this is happening to me? Sure, but I don’t know how to beat it, and some days I don’t think I’m worth a fight.

I wish I could just block it out… a bar… and a few bottles of vodka are starting to look really frikking good. The rational part of me knows I only crave vodi when my head is spinning and I’m screwed up about something. I can’t start down that road not even one step. I’m scared of myself.

I spent the day trying to push this urge away, drown it out. Hell I almost begged Gadget Guy to stay at his machine and call me, frightened to even let him leave to grab some breakfast for goodness sake. I shook, my heart racing, my head just hurting, fighting the urge to throw up… fighting the urge to stop talking, stop telling someone about the things inside my head and just leave. Finally, I feel asleep. Thank you God. I woke up three or so hours later feeling physically well, turned to my usual chick flick Bewitched style TV; something cheerful and fun that I don’t have to think about to much. Don’t need to focus to understand. I watched a few episodes of Glee. Now I can’t tell you if I love this show or hate it. I can’t make my mind up, but I do know as a distraction it worked well. I might have to add the DVD’s to the Bewitched shelf of shame reserved for just these occasions.

I want to hold on so badly: to the future I’m trying to build, to the belief I’m a better than this. I’m worth more but it would be so easy to just let go. Dear God… somebody… hold me and don’t let me go…

I know I sound like a melodramatic basket case with a bad case of the emo. I’ll explain… I’ll try. I want to talk. Tonight I just don’t have the time or mental faculties for a long and complicated story that I don’t really understand….

I’m sorry.

Ali

Good gone bad.

How long?  That’s my question today. How long after the good stuff goes bad do you give up and walk away? How much time do you give something? How many chances?  How much effort and worry do you expend? How long before saying that’s enough is a conscious and wise decision and not just running away from the problem.

Do I have something specific on my mind? Well, yes, but really this question could apply to any number of things:  a failing relationship, a friendship, a job, family ties… whatever. We all have these types of things in our lives. I’m sure something that at one point in time was good SO good. It added to your life made you feel… happy, proud, safe, secure, loved, needed.  If you’re lucky, all of those neatly tied up with a pretty ribbon. Perhaps gave you a reason to get up in the morning. For sure something to smile about…

Change – it happens to us all, and try as you might you can’t avoid it. Some changes are sudden, dramatic, turning points in our lives that we all can recognize as times of distress for the person concerned; times when they may need extra support and understanding.  Moving house, getting married, breaking up, becoming parents, illness, losing a loved one. Society accepts these times of weakness in a person life because we understand them. We’ve been there and it’s HARD. We empathize and we do all we can even if that doesn’t amount to much. Its ok – almost accepted that you will reach out and ask for support.

Other times support is harder to find. Of course I knew that other women were experiencing the same devastating heartbreak as me when I first heard that word infertile. I knew I wasn’t the only one but it sure felt like it. I didn’t know anyone who was in that situation and to be honest even if I had I couldn’t really bring myself to talk to them or admit what felt like MY failure. I wish I had found the online community sooner. I wish someone had been there to show me. Maybe I would have pulled myself together a little faster who knows. Hey, at least I’m here now.

I’m wondering about that slow progressive change: the one that sneaks up on you the one you don’t notice the little changes you let slide because they are no big deal until they all add up to a change that suddenly you don’t like something anymore and you can’t put your finger on when or how. Sometimes even WHAT exactly HAS changed. It’s just a feeling you get that something is missing, something that was so good, tastes bitter. Maybe you feel stuck in a rut at work… or you find that you don’t want to open up to that friend in a way you once did,  your family is no longer a place of support and nurture and instead a place of restraint and little squabbles.  Things are not awful: they are just not… right. Nobody has done anything wrong you’re just not as comfortable as you once were.

Before you know it “not comfortable” has slipped into actually UNcomfortable and what was a source of joy turns to worry and longing, terrible longing for things to be fixed. Confusion “but this used to work so well”   the more you try to make it work. The more you notice how much effort something that was so natural has become… an the downward spiral starts  towards  quitting that job, seeing less of that friend  and putting a little geographical distance between you and family … is this just me ?

What I want to know is how do you stop?  How do you rebuild something when your not sure how it got broken?  Can it even be done?  But most of all:  How long do you let something stay in your life that’s causing you so much aggravation?  How long do you cling to the hope that one day things will be as fantastic as they ever were and you’ll look back on this time as a distant memory?

I’m guessing the more you care, the longer the amount of time. But on the other hand, if its true that the more you care the greater the pain  then where is that breaking point?  When is enough enough? I just don’t know.

As with many things we care about I suspect there are no easy answers.

Ali xX

A day at the hospital.

Hospital induction day!  No… no I’m quite alright. Not about to embark on a long hospital stay anytime soon – touch wood – but apparently every person who wants to volunteer at our local hospital has to do an induction day. You know health and safety fire drills… yada yada yada… all VERY necessary but not exactly the most thrilling way to spend a Friday! To be honest, it was the most interesting of all the corporate induction days I’ve ever been to, but let’s face it: that’s not saying much. I learned, for example, that the hospital evacuates patients sideways from a fire in the first instance moving them sideways on the same floor and only taking them out of the building if things become VERY serious. It makes all the sense in the world, but I’ve never had to think about it before. I learned about all the different signs that may be on a patients door and who is or isn’t allowed in. I learned that almost half of all fires in the NHS are on mental health wards  and the number of fires the NHS deals with in a year is much MUCH higher than I would have thought.

I also learned how to wash my hands… Properly!  Now now now don’t be all disgusted. Of course I washed my hands before… and with soap too!  But I’m here to tell you that once you’ve seen what I saw you’ll pay more attention to HOW exactly you perform this simple task. Of course the hand washing routine is much more important in a hospital given the fact that is a building full of sick people TRYING to get better and not, for example, catch what the guy in the bed next door has brought in with him. To that end, all bedsides have alcohol gel for staff to use (except children’s wards where staff carry their own personal dispenser attached to them).  After telling us over and over how important it was to comply with this procedure, the sister in charge of infection control put a smallish blob of gel on the palm of our hands and asked us to go ahead and “wash” our hands with it…. after which she pulls out a black light and we discover the gel was UV sensitive and we’re able to see all the dark spots we miss when we usually wash our hands – in my case the tops of my fingers, between my nails, and my knuckle… EWWW! Yeah, I’m a tad paranoid about it since I saw that and now I REALLY pay attention. Oh and I’ll always dry my hands with a paper towel too and never use a hand dryer again after seeing those lab results compared.  Trust me.

Really, it was the first session of the day that affected me and I’m talking about it last because it affected me not in a good way. The topic “Safeguarding Children” was all about abuse: who might be at risk, how to spot it, what to do if you suspect it, the differences and the effects of emotional abuse, verbal abuse… sexual abuse. Complete with slides and stories of past failures where nobody intervened and nothing was done. I felt like I was choking on it.  I wanted to make it stop, to scream, and yet I just sat there and put these walls up and tried to let all these words bounce off me.  I became somewhat numb… shutting off my emotions one by one until I could somehow cope. I felt like it was my life up there.  I felt exposed.  It’s weird sitting there feeling like you’re being judged, hearing someone talk about  the effects on abused children, what its like  for them to live in that situation, and how they can be affected into adulthood. My brain was screaming YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT ME STFU. It felt like eavesdropping on someone bitching about you when you know that you can’t do anything because you shouldn’t have been listening in the first place. Horrid horrid horrid.  It’s made me want to curl up in a ball and cry. Now usually I would have left.  I wouldn’t have coped. I’d have walked out and probably cried and this approach would only have caused more aggravation for me because when you walk out like that you eventually have to explain yourself and telling people who don’t really need to know is hard  and can make you look like an attention seeking drama queen. Not only that, but dragging it all up to tell somebody I don’t really know causes me more harm than good because I get stuck thinking about it and it goes round and round in my head for much longer than if I had just been able to sit through the thing that was bothering me and somehow deal with it. This session I did just that. I gritted my teeth and sat through it all because it needed to be said.  People need to know and be aware of these things and because the rational part of my brain KNOWS that they are NOT talking about me specifically and that nobody can tell just from looking at me. I’m not branded “abused child” across my forehead. So I sucked it up and kept my irrational/emotional side under control. Even when the lady started talking about how abused children often have trouble dealing with emotions as adults,  how when in a conflict they shut down shut off their emotions and don’t react… and my brain is YELLING  : I’M DOING THAT  RIGHT NOW… AM I SO SCREWED UP???  Fuck, it was Hard.  It left me a little antsy and insecure for a day or two, but I’m so proud of myself that I managed to get through that I’m hoping one day… someday it will get easier. I do realize its bad not to talk about what happened at all, but the key seems to be trying to learn to open up to talk about it with people I feel comfortable with… and not to get myself  into situations where my hand is forced and I have to explain myself to people  I don’t know.

Whoa… emotional minefield navigation is exhausting.

Ali xX

July IComLeavWe

It’s that time again  July IComLeavWe is here! A very warm welcome to you if that’s how you came to be here. This is the first time I’ve written a little intro for the occasion and to be honest I’m pretty nervous. Let me get the thing that’s worrying me out of the way first. I’m an infertile wanna be midwife. I write about all parts of my life on my blog so sometimes you’ll find me ranting about the pain and injustice of infertility because, let’s face it, this thing is a bitch… but then in other posts I’ll be talking about my feelings and my journey  as I chase my dream to become a registered midwife in the UK. I say this upfront because I absolutely do not want anything I write about here to cause you distress, so if you are feeling fragile or just not in the mood  please go ahead and bypass my ramblings. I will not take offense, I promise. Please know that you take with you my very best wishes in hopes that your dreams come true.

I have PCOS (DX Summer 2006) and some other medical history including a heart problem which basically means the chances of me conceiving and then safely carrying a baby to term are… well, ridiculously small. At the time that all this came to light, I struggling to recover from an abusive relationship with my father as a result of which, amongst other things, means that relations between me and my mum are very strained at best. By the end of 2006 I had lost my job, seen a relationship break down, moved house and was suffering anxiety and severe depression. I’m not proud of it, but things just all fell apart. Fast forward to now and you join me as I’m trying to put the pieces all back together. I haven’t had a panic attack in months (fingers crossed).  I’m returning to college in September. I’m looking for work (me and a million other people).  I’m in a relationship with a guy who’s been my close friend for nearly 8 years. At 27 he just graduated college and wants us to be married by this time next year. While we are not TTC at the moment I really struggle with commitment because of my past and my infertility.

Welcome to my journey…

Oh I should introduce the guy in the background.  We refer to him as Gadget Guy. He’s a very good friend I met online.  He currently lives in Chicago with Mrs. Gadget Guy and their oh so cute bunny Chip and he looooves gadgets (the clues in the name). (Editor: Hello… Gadget Guy here… <waves>!) I tell you about him because, well, I’m dyslexic and he’s my editor/human spell checker.  If you want to read about it the info is here.

My master plan is here

If you think I’m crazy for wanting to be a midwife, you should read these posts.

A few people have written their A-Z for an intro over the last couple of months. Such a cute idea, I had to give it a go:

A: America – My Favorite place to Travel /explore/learn about/the place I would live if given the choice.

B: Baseball – My sport. The only one I really follow

C: Cooking – something I wish I was better at

D:  Dyslexic- Yes I am.

E: Exercise – also referred to as the “E” thing. Something I need to do more of.

F: French – The only other language I can speak.

G: Gadget Guy- My good friend from Chicago also my human spell checker

H: Home – something I’m looking for.

I: Infertility – the main cause of my depression / frustration… perhaps anger.

J: Job Seeking – uugh it sucks

K: Kayak Man – My significant other

L: Liverpool – the nearest big city to me

M: Midwife – something I hope to become.

N: Needle Work – something I wish I had more time for

O: Ocean – something very beautiful to me.

P: PCOS – something I struggle with

Q: Questions – I often have them and I nearly always answer them when I’m asked.

R: Reading – something I will be doing a lot more of over the next few years.

S: Scottish – my actual nationality

T: Theatre – my forgotten passion. How I miss it

U: University – The journey I hope to start, that Kayak Man just finished

V: Volunteer- something I do for the Red Cross and local hospital.

W: Wedding – the most stressful word in my life at the moment.

X= Kisses! – I know I cheated but how can you not love them the chocolate kind and the real ones.

Y: Yankees – My team  see B

Z: Zamboni – possibly my most favorite word it always makes me chuckle

So there we have it Ali from A- Z … Happy IComLeavWe.

Ali xX

Two steps forward…

Frustration is the word for this week.  I’m just irked, stressed out and I don’t know why. I’m getting random headaches aches and pains. All my thoughts seem to be half formed inside my head – that same feeing when you have a word on the tip of your tongue – as if my brain is trying to think about and find a solution to six different things at once and achieving precisely nothing.  It’s working out the same for my blog. I have several things I should be talking about, I want to talk about, and yet somehow none of the information is coming together in a way that makes sense to me.

I was out in a crowd again this weekend as I took a trip to the Wirral Show with KM. It was a wonderful sunny day which I find always helps my mood. My thoughts become clearer. Generally, I’m just that much more hopeful. The event which started life as a local agricultural show but has over the years developed into more of a crowd pleaser.  You know, fun fair display teams over priced yet surprisingly good food and a whole bunch of people trying to sell you things. Still, it’s entertainment.  We had lots of giggles watching the stunt doggy display team or the routine choreographed by the local unit of the Merseyside Mounted Police in their shiny uniforms. There were military recruitment displays which kept both of us happy as KM is drawn to anything with Royal Navy written on it like metal to a magnet… and me, well, men in uniform… need I say more? The sales pitch worked. We’re such easy targets for marketing.  I was suckered into thinking that a voucher for a days Falconry is this year’s must have while Kayak Man is muttering something about wanting to get his mircolight license. Uh huh… Ijits!

The most remarkable thing about this outing, though, is that I didn’t even have a hint of panic the whole day we were out: Not even mildly nervous. In fact, most of the day I was quietly wondering where all these emotions had gone, feeling a little odd NOT to be worrying. Woohoo progress!

But then as we went out to see the much anticipated HARRY POTTER, I was a mess again: stressed and panicked and just not right in myself. Mmhumm. I should have known better than to go to this movie on opening day. I should have thought that the screen being sold out and therefore packed would be an issue for me. But but  I really wanted to see this movie. I’ve been waiting for it since I read the book and even I could not have known I would be this badly affected.  In fact, I ended up leaving said movie a total of THREE times to throw up. THREE. And yeah walking out in front of all those people trying to watch made me not just irritated that I was missing even a few minutes  but OMG ground swallow me now self conscious  not helping the whole anxiety thing.  Three times. I feel like we need to go again.  And I’m getting kind of peeved by this two steps forward one step back routine I seem to be stuck in.

May next week be better

Ali xX

Hormones gone haywire … here we go again.

Uuugh… hormones are wreaking havoc with me. I have this oddly out of control feeling like I have too much energy or stress or tension… emotion maybe… goodness knows but it’s making my skin crawl and feel tingly all over right to the tips of my fingers but so much worse in my thighs. I feel shaky and unstable, both physically but mentally too with no idea which extreme of emotion I might lurch into next. All I know is provoke me and I fear extreme reaction will occur – not sure if that will be crying hysterically or screaming like a banshee. I hate feeling this way. Hate it. I’m not right in my own skin. Everything feels awkward and prickly. I have an odd sensation in my head and I want a cuddle.  I need to be held. I need to hold you – only my skin crawls so bad when you actually do touch me I can hardly stand it… and I’m scared if I did hold you I’d squeeze you so tight it would hurt. It’s so confusing… a jumbled mess of rawness that makes no sense and has an oddly destructive streak. I have raging hormones… that mean I actually want to tear some guy apart in a desperate need for intimacy and yet I’m scared to because tear apart is no joke. In this mood I feel the need to bite. And not in a kinky fun gentle way. There is a sensation in my jaw. I bite HARD.  I know this because most times I’ll end up biting my own hand and leaving bruises and teeth marks. I want to dig my nails into something and actually tear it up.  It’s INSANE and overwhelming and to be honest it frightens me. It usually only lasts a couple of days but it feels like forever and each time is just a little different. Today, for example, I’m not getting mad or angry like I have done in the past just SCARED to death with a feeling that something bad is going to happen to me or someone close to me. It’s totally irrational. There’s no reason at all to think bad news is on the way but I can’t shake this awful doom and gloom feeling.  Another new thing for me my joints all are stiff and ache. Not just my knees which is usual for me. My left knee will often go stiff or lock a little and ache its a separate issue but today I have this same uncomfortable tenderness and dull ache in both of my knees. Also my ankles, wrists, the back of my neck, and even the individual knuckles in my fingers. It’s not pain full as such just uncomfortable and achy and a little stiff.   The whole mess is infuriating. My body is driving me insane!

I don’t know what to try next to make it better except hoping that it will pass quickly.

Irritation and perhaps frustration are the words of the day.

As Kayak Man would say  …”Ali I just have to tell your HORMONES they are being a BITCH right now.”

*Cries* I can’t help it !

Ali xX

Go to Sleep !

I had a terrible week last week. It was like back tracking at the speed of light. I just didn’t feel right and spent a good portion of most days in bed or slobbing about on the sofa with no reasonable excuse other than the odd aches and pains. I have no idea what the reason for this complete backwards slide but motivation deserted me only to be replaced by mild panic at best and actual fear of the world outside my home at worst. It sucked and as a result I let others down and I hate that I didn’t make any of my three shifts in the Red Cross charity shop and even had to send Kayak Man over there to make excuses… aherm… let them know. I felt totally unable to attend either of my First Aid meetings aswell. Yep, last week I kept to precisely zero of my commitments. I’m not happy about the situation seen as I also stopped eating correctly and as a result missed some doses of my medication. Talk about being in a hole with a shovel still digging.  How on earth can I expect the situation to improve if I’m not getting the right meds?  Sometimes I feel like my mind just wanders off  and last week it was defiantly on vacation.

This week is much better, thank goodness. Yep, I’m doing all my shifts in the store.  the bad news is I’m having serious sleep issues. In fact as I write this, I’ve gone a total of four days with no more than two or three hours of sleep. Despite actually eating proper meals I feel weak and a little shaky. This caused me to totally flunk my First Aid course AGAIN last night. That’s two assessment weeks in a row I’ve messed up and as a result I will have to wait till the next course starts and take the whole thing again. On the plus side,  at least by the time I get done I might actually know what I’m doing and not just enough to scrape by in an assessment situation… and to be fair I did join this current course half way through anyway so maybe its all for the best. I need to sleep. Really really need. My body knows this. I’m exhausted. I sit here finding it hard to focus or keep my eyes open. I’ve tried reading but I can’t concentrate on letters on the page long enough to form them into words or sentences. I watch TV on the couch… you know when you’re hearing this but not really listening. I feel like I’ve been in that type of daze for 2 days and STILL as soon as I get in bed my eyes pop open and the cogs in my brain start turning so fast I swear there must be smoke coming out my ears… maybe my nostrils too. I’m exhausted but for some reason my brain REFUSES to give in and GO TO SLEEP! You see… when I get myself in this mess I can’t stop talking. I talk about the most random senseless stuff. It’s like I’m streaming my thoughts for all to hear. It’s disjointed and jumping around from topic to topic with no warning about changing the subject. I’d imagine it’s pretty annoying for those around me and I know its getting worse when more than one person has told me “Ali you really need to get some rest”.  I KNOWWWW … any ideas where my power down switch might be?  Now, usually, I have something bothering me… some event or conversation or person that’s just getting under my skin and I worry and stress and it eats at me and so I can’t slip off to dreamland but honestly I have no clue what it could be this time. None. I don’t feel stressed, actually. Compared to last week, I’m positively upbeat with my eyes focused on the future and my goals. No idea what’s going on. None.  I hope I figure it out soon – Gadget Guy is starting to tell me I need to go see somebody about this and perhaps think about some more medication. Whooo it’s bad when he starts talking like that, as if I’m not a walking rattling pill box already ..

Desperately seeking zzz’s

Ali xX

The 2 MONTH wait !?

I did actually go out to the weekly Red Cross meeting tonight despite not actually feeling much better than yesterday, but I was able to get my paperwork started. I’m on my way to becoming a full volunteer with uniform and ID badge an all, which should mean that eventually I can actually do public duty as a volunteer.  W00t! From what I’ve heard, these things can take a good few months so I’m not gonna hold my breath, but hay at least the process is started. They have some very interesting additional training courses coming up too, all very exciting.

As you’ll gather, I’ve not really been feeling myself so I’ve let some of my posting slip, so let’s try to bring things up to speed.  The company I had an interview with a couple of weeks ago got back to me and unfortunately I wasn’t successful this time (I kind of knew that already, still… BOO   ). When I asked for feed back or anything I could improve on in the interview, got nuffin… NOTHING. Actually she said she was very pleased with how things went and so was her boss.  YAY GO ME! It’s just they did have a lot of applicants and this time the position went to someone with a little more experience. Mmhum… totally understandable.  They ARE keeping my information on file and will possibly be contacting me about another vacancy in a few weeks and they WOULD like to have me apply again in the future.  So I guess that’s as good as the bad news (I didn’t actually get a job) can get. Actually, I’m very happy about the outcome at least I now know I can go to interviews and not embarrass myself and that’s always a plus.

I thought the hospital had forgotten my application to volunteer with them as I hadn’t heard a peep out of anyone over there since I sent the form in before Easter, BUT it turns out they have actually contacted my references. It’s great when the references are friends and actually call to tell you these things. Both my loyal mates have done their bit and the information was sent back at the beginning of this week, so at least I know things are still ticking along on that front, all be it sloowly.

Talk about slooooow… my college application is killing me.  I thought I had a 4 week wait till I would find out if I’m accepted onto the course that I soo want to do next year and was super SUPER excited when I received a letter from said institution this week  UNTIL I opened it up.  The form letter was to let me know my application had been received (YAY) and that they will be in touch again when they start the selection process IN JULY!  Wait… July? I have to wait 2 whole months!! … 2 months… the nail biting continues… gotta keep those fingers crossed longer too!

Kaykak Man moved on from grilling… to trying to MAKE/BURN his own charcoal. Yes you read that right.  Uh huh… he may be crazy. All I know is it makes one hell of a lot of needless mess AND seems to make a fun hobby like grilling good food needlessly complicated and annoying. I’ve tried everything to make him stop: reason, nagging, more reason… THE LOOK… the exasperated WTF are you doing sigh.  I’ve pleaded, I do not beg… but NOTHING is working and even though the first batch was a disaster and had him black from head to foot so that he looked like he’d been stuck down a Welsh coal mine for about 3 weeks, apparently he’ll be trying again soon because “he knows what he did wrong now”.  Yeah I’m banging my head against a brick wall. Oh oh… he sliced a notch out of his finger with a knife while I was out the other day and refuses to go and see anyone until it goes green. Yeah that’s what he said – IF it turns green because of infection then he’ll go see someone. There’s gonna be a permanent dent in that finger for sure. We’re not talking about a small cut here. Yet more proof he’s not only crazy but almost as stubborn as me. Sheesks!  On the plus side he only has TWO exams left. Yeah he FINNISHES his 3 years of Software Engineering degree in to weeks!!! I could dance for joy, but I won’t until I know he actually passed. I’m so excited for him and and and… Finally I might be able to stop worrying about him and his attendance record at school.. I CAN NOT WAIT!!!

Ali xX

K.S: Woohoo for actually going outside and keeping to commitments even when you feel awful… that’s grown up behavior, that is!

Doing as I’m told

Gadget Guy says I have to write, so I’m trying to do just that. Something’s been happening with me.   I’m letting things slide again.  I haven’t done my Wii Fit in a good few days.  I didn’t keep up with my health dairy, even though I promised him I would, which makes me feel like utter crap.  Things are sliding and slipping back to a bad place and I don’t know WHY.

At this precise point in time I can’t even begin to reason why I feel God awful…  like spaced/out of it,  not in my own head, somewhat disconnected. its kind of weird. I’m hovering in this odd place where panic attack,  crying fit,  throwing up and passing out all meet…, with no idea which way I’m gonna go really. what I want to do is go and hide in bed, cuddle up with somebody and feel safe  because I don’t feel safe right now. I feel pretty out of control and quite scared.

So the deal between me and this Gadget Guy friend of mine is that I will try to do what he tells me and he won’t ask too much or tease me or push me too much because he knows I’ll just snap and either cry or scream or run away from him and his help.  I’ve done the first thing he asked me: I’ve got my health diary as up to date as I can, writing everything that’s happened to me over the last 3 days. Now I’m doing the second thing he asked: I’m here… writing… trying to make connections and put into words to my jumbled mess of thoughts.

I started feeling bad tonight about half way through my 2 hour First Aid training session (no, there were no gory pictures or recreated wounds that upset me or grossed me out .. so it’s not that). I got a sharp pain above my left eye and a stinking headache. I lost all focus and stopped really listening to what I was being told. My chest was racing.  It can’t have been too bad because I was still able to respond. I got up and practiced all my bandages and did everything I was asked, but inside I didn’t feel like all of me was present in that room. Apparently I looked miserable, so said the teacher who asked if I was ok. Yeah I’m ok; it’s just a headache and possibly a panic attack. Now when I have panic problems the last thing I need is anyone to draw attention to me, so of course i just said I was ok. I WAS ok coming home which might be due to the fact that I was chatting away to a friend on the phone and not really thinking about what I was doing. I’ve had something to eat. I’ve taken all my meds today… and I just don’t feel good.

In fact, odd things have been going on for a few days now. It kind of started on Monday… well actually early Tuesday morning for me. I was watching this weeks episode of Dancing With the Stars over the interwebs and chatting away with Gadget Guy when suddenly I was hit with the most awful cramping.  I mean bent double moaning. Total surprise. Comes out of nowhere and takes your breath away PAIN. It was intense but didn’t last long at all.  In fact it was over by the time the show finished and all I was left with was a dull ache like that part of my body had been through something. I thought nothing of it. I slept ok and woke up fine.

Woke up fine mmhumm… did not stay that way.  I was an emotional mess yesterday,  in fact I count the damage as 1 emotional meltdown to the point of tears over something stooopidly silly. I’ll tell you about it sometime but it probably merits a post all of its own.  This was before I came online and spent the afternoon getting more and more frustrated to the point of tearing my hair out and throwing a hissy fit in Gadget Guy’s face. Actually I’d say I snapped at him pretty effectively. Let me just explain… we’re those type of friends that are close enough  and know each other well enough that we bicker and tease ALOT… its just how we are. It’s not hurtful or mean. It’s just what we do.  Yeah, admittedly yesterday we spent a large amount of time talking about the few things that cause tension between us and that always makes me (needlessly) nervous and stressed. I mean, if we were gonna fall out over anything, what we were working on yesterday afternoon would probably be it… and I just don’t want to fall out with him. Somewhere in the middle of what we were doing I was hit by a wave of the most awful fatigue. I mean seriously it’s like going from fine to exhausted in less than 60 seconds. It SUCKS. Again, trouble focusing, all over body weakness and so so tired beyond tired. I get over sensitive when this happens.  Repetitive noises bother the hell out of me.  I mean like drive me demented. Must find them and make them STOP NOW  or I may start smashing things. Loud noises are bad. Music is awful… and all that playful teasing we were doing  becomes totally not fun anymore. It feels like it hurts and he’s pushing me. God damn it this guy is SOOOOOOO FRUSTRATING!!!  I had to walk away… HAD TOO. Now let me say it was not his fault. He wasn’t doing anything that is not normal behavior between us and we both were laughing about it, me through gritted teeth admittedly. He wasn’t mean or abusive (pffft Gadget Guy getting abusive LMAO that notion in itself is just so silly it makes me laugh) it was My Problem, hormonal or otherwise. I don’t know.

So cramps Monday… moody, irritable and suddenly exhausted Tuesday… and now this near panic attack, moody… about to throw up/keel over thing tonight.

WHAT the HELL is going on… and HOW do I get it back under control!???

There… I’ve done what my good friend asked of me ….can I go to bed yet?  Without CRYING my eyes out and embarrassing myself if possible!

I feel so broken.

Ali xX

What a Witch.

Frustration… don’t ask me why, but I’m feeling decidedly hormonal. Everything just seems a little harder and caused more frustration. I didn’t get the job applications that I wanted to submitted.  I failed to get my registration for this year’s Race for Life completed. I seemed to have more than my usual quota of irritating, frustrating, pulling my hair out style conversations.  No matter what I do, I can not relax and let go. I’ve tried all my usual tricks. Oh, and I scored an epic fail at the “E” thing today also, managing to pack away an obscene amount of junk food and chocolate. I’m at the point now where noises are winding me up – whether it’s Kayak Man downstairs with the Wii game that’s been on since the second he got home from college, or just sound effects or webpages from my own machine. Everything seems extra loud and annoying… GAH… Shhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! I can’t think!

I did hear today that the hospital I applied to volunteer for has actually contacted my references and they will be writing back sometime over the weekend… so at least some progress was made today.

I’m totally not being pushed into a corner… I just FEEL that way… and then I spend the rest of the day biting my tongue so as not to say the wrong thing or snap and take someone’s head off. I failed once today already, and yeah I do feel sorry for the guy looking back on it, but at the time I swear I saw RED.

Hormones are the REAL bitch!

Ali xX

K.S.: Basic First Aid training tomorrow