Going for it …

It is done… The university application is GONE.  I honestly feel a ton of weight off my shoulders. I’ve had to refrain from writing about this for a couple of weeks because I would have been running the serious risk of saying some things I regret on the internets, so shoot me. We are all capable of a spew it all out rant filled less with rational thought and more with raw emotion. Combine a frustrating situation with the hormonal hell I have found myself in for the past week or so and I can tell you the results are not pretty and definitely not something I want out in public.  Off-loading of that emotional magnitude is reserved for those friends that love – me faults an all – and know me well enough not to take me too seriously. I can count these few on the fingers of one hand and I don’t envy them.

I’d already been made a little uncomfortable with the fact that I didn’t seem able to get some feedback on my personal statement from my tutor that I finally decided to submit the form without her approval. Since then, I’ve been waiting for an academic reference from college. In the end I waited almost 4 weeks. I know tutors are busy – they have a lot of students, most of whom are applying through this same process and all of whom need a similar reference. Usually the college takes around two weeks to get this item written. I tried hard to submit mine well before the college deadline so as not to get caught up in the crowd, but I accept teachers are busy and delays are normal and not a spiteful attempt by anyone to affect my application

Lack of communication: that’s the thing that’s really been getting under my skin. All I wanted to do to begin with was make sure that my form had been received and the tutor was aware that my reference had to be submitted. But after a couple of weeks of unanswered emails and not getting information from a polite question after class, knowing that interview dates are passing by and other applicants are already getting offers… I was worried sick. At this point I just wanted some acknowledgement of my concerns and a vague idea of when I could expect my reference to be completed. I became so frustrated that nobody seemed to know what was going on and no single person would take any responsibility for finding out. After being reduced to tears by the attitude of some lady on the phone who seemed to think I was being unreasonable for asking questions despite the fact I’d already paid them my application fee. Oh and I’m only studying with them in the first place with the end goal of going to university. With the deadline of the college closing for Christmas, I was no longer prepared to worry about this all over Christmas waiting to see if anything would happen in January… being passed from pillar to post.

Persistence pays off.  I got my form submitted – done at 11.30 am with the college office shutting its doors at 12 noon for the holidays. Ahhhh breathe a huuge sigh of relief.  So I can relax and let go of this thing because I won’t hear anything now till the New Year and there’s nothing more I can do.  I do feel bad for ruffling some feathers at college, but I just wanted to be able to put this out of my mind. That’s not to much to ask is it?

Did I mention my form is Gooooone!! I’m an official midwifery applicant. YAY.

Ali xX

Time to give….

Exciting volunteering opportunities are coming my way and I feel so lucky to be given these experiences. I have been doing a 4 hour shift each week on the Delivery Suite. I won’t be intruding on anyone actually giving birth of course because that would be insensitive and I’m sure it would make me rather uncomfortable if I was the lady in labour. I mostly make tea and toast for couples who have just delivered and spend my time with the health care assistants restocking rooms, photocopying and any other little tasks that can be of use including keeping the staff room somewhat tidy. I’m loving it and learning so much. I find myself putting all of these supplies away and hoping the day will come when I know what all this stuff is used for.

It’s really brought home to me how much of an emotional rollercoaster midwifery is.  Things change so fast. It’s not that I didn’t know this before, but it’s different when you experience it. It hasn’t turned me off the career – in fact far from it, but it has made me consider things that never would have occurred to me before as well as made me think a lot more about myself and how I could cope in these situations. Sometimes I find I’m stronger than I expected. Others events show me what I still need to work on.  I’m not saying midwives have to be perfect, but I have a feeling that they do at least need to be aware of where their own strengths and weaknesses are and what they can do to make sure that a the woman comes first and always receives the support she needs.

In the New Year I’m going to be starting a second shift with the Infant Feeding Team at the hospital in their Breast Feeding Support drop-in clinic. I can’t wait  I know the hospital in currently going for baby friendly status promoting breast feeding. I know there will be a lot for me to learn. It’s not something I’ve done before.  A new challenge for the New Year.

Ali xX

SM.net

Back in June, not to long after I had been to a midwifery open day at a local university and deciding I was going to seriously pursue midwifery as a vocation but a little while before I was confident enough of my decision to talk about it in public, I was looking for advice – perhaps someone to tell me I wasn’t crazy and certainly people who felt the same draw to the profession that I was feeling.  It’s only natural, I think, when contemplating such a change in the direction of your life to seek out others who are travelling the same road a little ahead of you. I stumbled onto StudentMidwife.net and there I found a warm welcome and a wealth of encouraging advice. I’ve been on this forum ever since and would definitely recommend it to any midwife wannabe, especially if you’re facing the daunting prospect of trying to secure a place to study here in the UK.  I’ve leaned so much. I got answers to my oh so many questions and whether my application this year is successful or not this lovely group of ladies will be there with some cyber love and support.

I jumped at the chance to attend their Xmas party because, let’s face it,I don’t get out much. Well, not with other women anyways. I’ve never been the kind of girl who has a ton of female friends and the ones I do have don’t live close by. So, in reality, my social circle consists of me + KM and while he has been known to put on a skirt (don’t ask ) Feminine he is NOT. That, and with us both currently seeking work and at home a LOT of the time, I’m sure he won’t mind me saying that the time apart is good for our sanity.

What a great night! I was understandably nervous venturing out on my own to spend an evening with a group of 40 some women I had never met but I had such a blast. So wonderful to talk face to face with people who share my dream I could have talked till sunrise and laughed myself silly in the process. Can’t wait till next year…..

Are you planning any awsome Christmas parties ?

Ali xX

Thinking of you.

Warning!! If you’re here from the ALI community and are feeling fragile you might want to skip this post on the subject of loss.

As part of my efforts to make myself a more attractive candidate for a sought after place on the degree, I recently joined a forum for prospective midwifery students. It’s been great sharing the stories of other hopefuls, getting tips on the application process and generally talking with like minded people… but tonight as I logged in I read a story that brought such a lump to my throat. I haven’t really been able to stop thinking about it this evening.

The heartbreaking news was that one of the women lost her baby in the beginning of September at 23 weeks gestation. I can’t begin to imagine the pain and my thoughts have been with this lady and her family all evening. There are no words when a perfect little girl just passes without any real explanation. There are no words. Reading the story of her sleeping baby’s birth had me in fighting back tears I don’t mind telling you.

I know that in my chosen career I will come across families in this agonizing situation and to be honest I’m concerned that hopefully somewhere in my training I’ll be given some small idea of anything I can do to support those who end up in my care after such a tragic outcome. People say in life you can always find somebody worse off than yourself and I believe that’s true.  I may be unable to conceive but I will never have to endure  this pain.

I realize as a professional I can’t fall apart when a baby in my care does not make it. I know I will have to be strong and realize that while the grief is terrible it does not belong to me. It wasn’t my child.  I need to remain professional to provide the best possible support and care.  However I don’t believe I would make a good midwife if I wasn’t affected by the tragedy. Surely caring for your patients properly means that you do CARE when things don’t go to plan.  You take pause and try to learn all you can to make things better. Perhaps you go home, light a candle for the memory or shed a few tears in the bathtub after your shift.  Is that wrong?? ‘Cause if it is,  maybe I’m not cut out for this.

But recently I’ve been thinking families experiencing loss also need a midwife to reach out to. Mothers still need care and most of all compassion. Someone has to step up to the plate and be there for the children born into heaven.  Maybe if I could find the strength. I would train to be that person…..

Ali xX

Falling behind.

I’m falling behind with my posting. The trouble is I have like a billion things I want to write about but for some reason the posts are just not coming together. Kayak Man got some great news the other day: the confirmation of his degree classification finally came through in writing and it puts him a grade higher than he was originally told. YAAAY. A very happy KM over here. So looking forward to his graduation, which should be some time next month.

I’ve missed 2 appointments with my dentist now – the first one because I was throwing up and so had to rearrange, and yesterday I got to the office for my 9.30 appointment having only had 1 and half hours sleep.  An hour later and I’m still waiting. You know something is wrong when you go to the reception desk and the nurse says “ohhh didn’t anyone come to talk to you?”  Ummm… no. Turns out my dentist’s previous patient had some type of medical emergency and passed out. Even though the patient was fine (phew), the dentist was now stuck filling out a mountain of paperwork that is required after such things and so I was given a new appointment 3 weeks from now!!

I’m spending a lot of time lost in my midwifery textbook. It’s fascinating but a slow read. So much information in those pages. I’m getting to the point now where I am feeling the need to acquire a dictionary of midwifery just so I can decipher some of these technical words. Sooo many long and complicated words to get my head around. Even though I’m getting used to seeing them written, I still have very little clue how you actually pronounce these things… but learning is so much fun! Still in the area of my midwifery aspirations I have finally finished my paperwork for volunteering at my local hospital and I have the interview tomorrow morning. Fingers crossed all goes well because I really need to get some actual experience before submitting my application. I have a lot of things lined up so I feel ok about it, but I would feel a whole lot better with some hours under my belt, that’s for sure. I’m getting a little nervous because without this stuff coming together I’ll be wasting a whole lot of money and time. Sometimes I’m so nervous about the whole thing it makes me feel sick. That’s what happens to me when I want something really bad but for some unknown reason my head has a hard time believing I’m worth it.  In fact, I had a major wobble about this a week or so ago. I just hate the idea of wasting other people’s time. Fortunately Gadget Guy was on hand to tell me how stupid I was being. Actually he’s a little smarter than that because somehow he never actually says I’m being stooped; he just talks me through stuff till I’m telling myself off for being stooped. It’s a pretty cool skill and I think it has something to do with all that life experience he has … not that I’m calling him old. He reads this ya know. (Edit:… hi… Gadget Guy here… you have NO IDEA HOW MUCH I have to read what Ali writes )

Ooo one final thing: Thanks y’all for the ideas and advice on my previous post. Some really cool ideas there.  I’m sure I’ll figure it out eventually. Right now eloping sounds fantastic but I think I’m just craving a holiday. It’s probably all the baseball I’ve been watching this week. I live too far from sunshine and ballparks lol

Now kick my ass so that I write some of those posts… Soon !

Ali xX

Maternity matters. (Ultrasound picture shared)

It’s time for a news update. A few things are in the works at the moment that I’m so totally excited about. I could jump up and down squealing about it. Feels like I’m right on the edge of some really cool things happening for me and I’m just hoping this all works out how I intend. The picture you see above is the acceptance slip for my Access to Health Professions course. I had to check the YESSS I wanna do this box and send it back, which I did. I’m now officially committed to making a serious attempt to get into midwifery training and that both scares and excites me beyond belief.  I’m starting a long journey and I officially have my college place in writing so now I can celebrate the first step. w00t!! Bring on September when my first day in college will be.

I’ve actually bought my first Midwifery textbook. Yeah, a bit keen I know BUT I just wanted something to read. It’s kind of funny when I took the book to the counter at our local Borders the guy serving me actually asked me if I was a midwife already. When I told him I was just a super keen wannabe he revealed that his wife is in her final year of training and that the hours are looong and most people have dropped out already. (Ouch!). Then he gave me money off my book. SWEET! I saved like £10 off the Amazon price and, well, I’m taking it as a sign that I’m meant to do this… just because I could use a few of those signs right now.

I’ve made progress in the volunteer department, too. I  have dates for a two week work placement at the Liverpool Women’s Hospital. That’s two weeks, 9 till 5. I’m so sooo excited by this opportunity because judging by the information I have this type of placement is really hard to come by in most parts of the country. At this point, I feel lucky. I’m playing the waiting game again as their HR department need to get in touch with me to arrange the specific details. I also might be able to volunteer with them for 4 hours a week on an ongoing basis BUT the volunteer coordinator just went on maternity leave, so I have to wait for that too. I’ll be getting in touch with the person taking over her duties at the beginning of August.

I’ve also made contact with the local branch of the NCT (National Childbirth Trust). This fantastic charity is run by volunteers and provides care for parents to be. They train anti-natal class leaders and provide breast feeding support and advice and well as breast pump rental services for parents (among other things) and I’m so excited to help their work in any way I can. Of course it will also be good experience for my application, but I hope I can be associated with the charity in the future too. I met with the group of volunteers last night at a local pub and although I’m not that confident that I made a good impression. The ladies were so kind and welcoming.  I’ve been offered a ton of exciting possibilities I’m not even going to list them here but I’m sooooo hoping I can get a few things set up in the next few weeks and I’m also looking forward to their Clothes Swap Evening at the a nearby cricket club!

I’m excited by all of this… uh huh… but tonight something happened that made me feel so honored that my brain just stalled and it took me a second or two to reactivate it. I just didn’t really know what to say tonight. My friend actually asked me to be there at the birth of her baby (due October 30th).WOW.  Just WOW.  A bunch of words come to mind here. I feel so honored, privileged, trusted and cared about. I never expected it. Here is the picture of the little lady (uh huh I have permission to share it):

Baby Girl !

I  hope that she asked me because she wants me there believing I can be a help and support for her and not because she knows about my midwifery dreams. Birth is a very personal event and I really hope she doesn’t feel any pressure to invite me into this moment in her life.  I hope she knows how special she made me feel that she considered me and that she can change her mind at any point.

Exciting times.

Ali xX

The revelation.

Annnd finally we come to it the reason I’ve been digging up all these stories, giving you all this background information in the hopes that when I tell you what I have to say you won’t immediately back away alarm bells ringing, grab your cell phone and call the men in white coats to take me away while at the same time screaming YOU’RE LOSING YOUR MIND ALI … THATS CRAZY!!  Your eyes so wide in shock that I might as well have told you I used to be a man or some other such secret worthy of a roll on the floor with one of Jerry Springer’s oh so yummy bouncers…. mmm baby!

You see, internet, I’ve been keeping a secret and, well, actually for a long while I myself thought I was totally insane and was trying very hard to push it away hoping that eventually this thought would forget about me and move on…. but it did not and now  I just can’t keep the secret ANYMORE. It’s killing me. I have got to tell you. Whoo boy I am so scared.

I want to be a midwife! There, I said it. Crazy isn’t it? Here’s me, an infertile recovering from abuse, piecing myself back together and I’m telling you that I want to surround myself with that one thing  I can’t reach. Yes, sometimes I agree with you. I think I may very well be insane and setting myself up for future heart ache.  Certainly, it’s true that working in this field will only bring me face to face with what my body can’t do. I’ll be opening the door of motherhood for others while knowing that I can’t walk through. Sometimes that’s going to break my heart.

And yet I can’t let the thought go. I truly want to do this.  I feel a need to. The way I think of it, I have this thing wrong with me.  It’s going to hurt whatever I do.  I can’t run away from it.  There’s no hiding place, so I may as well turn and face it.  Yes sometimes being a midwife will only show me all the things that are wrong with my body, but at the same time I’d have the opportunity to learn all about this thing I’ve been so curious about for years. I could get some of my questions answered and I could spend my career making sure that those who are able to do that “knocked up” thing can have the most positive experience possible. I truly think I could make a good advocate for a mum to be and the baby she carries. I believe I can be objective and not allow my own situation to cloud my judgment. Knowing that I could make a difference to women/couples/families at this exciting time of their lives makes me so excited.  I’d feel privileged and proud of myself and I do believe it would bring me buckets of joy, as if this choice would break my heart and somehow hold all the pieces together.

Any woman could train as a midwife and discover she’s infertile after the fact. At least I know where I am up front. I know its not always going to be easy. Maybe sometimes the hard thing is the right thing?

I have vaguely thought about this career path before in my life, back when I was in high school -  right after I had made subject choices that excluded any science subject, so I just dismissed the thought and moved on. Well not I guess. I’ve had more time to get to know the NHS – more reasons to take an interest in women’s health – and I figure I’m starting from nothing. I don’t have a career I can go back to. I’m not tied to one place in terms of where I’m living.  I don’t have family commitments. Seen as I’m starting this rebuild basically from scratch, I have a perfect opportunity to change direction… and hay I might as well aim high.

I’m aiming to train as a midwife.

Pheww… feels good to have said it. Almost the same relief I felt when I told some of my RL friends about the fertility thing. I came out of the infertility closet for them and now I’m coming out of the midwifery closet here…

I guess this kind of puts me in an odd place. An infertile who’s blog might be riddled with pregnancy stories, pregnancy discussion, or whatever. I’m not exactly sure yet. Please know that I don’t mean to upset anybody. I totally understand if you don’t want to read, but this is my space and I really just want to be able to talk about all parts of my life  as an infertile wanna-be midwife ..

Are you making that call yet? Do I hear yelling??   I’m telling you right now I shall point blank REFUSE any invites from Jerry… unless he’s gonna pay for vacation time in Chicago

Ali xX