Delays and Frustrations.

So I should be writing today to tell you all about my occupational health appointment at the hospital which should be the final step in the process before I can start volunteering at the hospital,  having already had to rearrange this appointment once as the first slot I was given was when I was away down in Exeter.  I’m soooooo nervous about this because not only do I need to get the ok to volunteer,  its the same health check I will need to pass to be able to take up a place on the midwifery degree should I be lucky enough to be granted one.  How much would it suck to get to the final hurdle and be denied on health grounds…..?

Like all the volunteers, I was given a health questionnaire.  You know, one of those answer yes or no: if you check yes explain yourself. Suffice to say I had about five or six checks in the yes column and a lot of “further details” so I pretty much knew I was going to get called in for an appointment and I just want to get it over already.

Sadly, that was not to be.  I got a call yesterday they spoke to KM to let me know that the department was moving offices and I would need to call and rearrange my appointment which seems a little short notice to me as the appointment was only made about a week ago. I would have thought they might have known about the planned move but maybe not. To be honest I was getting a little nervous about showing up to the check full of a cold amidst all the concerns people have about Swine Flu around here, so I’d say the postponement worked in my favor.

Still, I can’t help feeling a tad frustrated that I started trying to get relevant voluntary experience back in April and now here we are in August and so far I have nothing that  has given me a glimpse of my intended career or will support my application, It’s starting to really worry me :S

I’m hoping I can get the appointment rearranged soon and praying I will be given the all clear.

Ali xX

A day at the hospital.

Hospital induction day!  No… no I’m quite alright. Not about to embark on a long hospital stay anytime soon – touch wood – but apparently every person who wants to volunteer at our local hospital has to do an induction day. You know health and safety fire drills… yada yada yada… all VERY necessary but not exactly the most thrilling way to spend a Friday! To be honest, it was the most interesting of all the corporate induction days I’ve ever been to, but let’s face it: that’s not saying much. I learned, for example, that the hospital evacuates patients sideways from a fire in the first instance moving them sideways on the same floor and only taking them out of the building if things become VERY serious. It makes all the sense in the world, but I’ve never had to think about it before. I learned about all the different signs that may be on a patients door and who is or isn’t allowed in. I learned that almost half of all fires in the NHS are on mental health wards  and the number of fires the NHS deals with in a year is much MUCH higher than I would have thought.

I also learned how to wash my hands… Properly!  Now now now don’t be all disgusted. Of course I washed my hands before… and with soap too!  But I’m here to tell you that once you’ve seen what I saw you’ll pay more attention to HOW exactly you perform this simple task. Of course the hand washing routine is much more important in a hospital given the fact that is a building full of sick people TRYING to get better and not, for example, catch what the guy in the bed next door has brought in with him. To that end, all bedsides have alcohol gel for staff to use (except children’s wards where staff carry their own personal dispenser attached to them).  After telling us over and over how important it was to comply with this procedure, the sister in charge of infection control put a smallish blob of gel on the palm of our hands and asked us to go ahead and “wash” our hands with it…. after which she pulls out a black light and we discover the gel was UV sensitive and we’re able to see all the dark spots we miss when we usually wash our hands – in my case the tops of my fingers, between my nails, and my knuckle… EWWW! Yeah, I’m a tad paranoid about it since I saw that and now I REALLY pay attention. Oh and I’ll always dry my hands with a paper towel too and never use a hand dryer again after seeing those lab results compared.  Trust me.

Really, it was the first session of the day that affected me and I’m talking about it last because it affected me not in a good way. The topic “Safeguarding Children” was all about abuse: who might be at risk, how to spot it, what to do if you suspect it, the differences and the effects of emotional abuse, verbal abuse… sexual abuse. Complete with slides and stories of past failures where nobody intervened and nothing was done. I felt like I was choking on it.  I wanted to make it stop, to scream, and yet I just sat there and put these walls up and tried to let all these words bounce off me.  I became somewhat numb… shutting off my emotions one by one until I could somehow cope. I felt like it was my life up there.  I felt exposed.  It’s weird sitting there feeling like you’re being judged, hearing someone talk about  the effects on abused children, what its like  for them to live in that situation, and how they can be affected into adulthood. My brain was screaming YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT ME STFU. It felt like eavesdropping on someone bitching about you when you know that you can’t do anything because you shouldn’t have been listening in the first place. Horrid horrid horrid.  It’s made me want to curl up in a ball and cry. Now usually I would have left.  I wouldn’t have coped. I’d have walked out and probably cried and this approach would only have caused more aggravation for me because when you walk out like that you eventually have to explain yourself and telling people who don’t really need to know is hard  and can make you look like an attention seeking drama queen. Not only that, but dragging it all up to tell somebody I don’t really know causes me more harm than good because I get stuck thinking about it and it goes round and round in my head for much longer than if I had just been able to sit through the thing that was bothering me and somehow deal with it. This session I did just that. I gritted my teeth and sat through it all because it needed to be said.  People need to know and be aware of these things and because the rational part of my brain KNOWS that they are NOT talking about me specifically and that nobody can tell just from looking at me. I’m not branded “abused child” across my forehead. So I sucked it up and kept my irrational/emotional side under control. Even when the lady started talking about how abused children often have trouble dealing with emotions as adults,  how when in a conflict they shut down shut off their emotions and don’t react… and my brain is YELLING  : I’M DOING THAT  RIGHT NOW… AM I SO SCREWED UP???  Fuck, it was Hard.  It left me a little antsy and insecure for a day or two, but I’m so proud of myself that I managed to get through that I’m hoping one day… someday it will get easier. I do realize its bad not to talk about what happened at all, but the key seems to be trying to learn to open up to talk about it with people I feel comfortable with… and not to get myself  into situations where my hand is forced and I have to explain myself to people  I don’t know.

Whoa… emotional minefield navigation is exhausting.

Ali xX

Giving something back, having someone listen.

I am soooo excited!  I actually went out today and found out about some volunteering opportunities. I approached the British Red Cross.  I was so completely unaware of all the things they do just in the local community and I can’t wait to get out there and start helping out and doing some good. I am really looking forward to the first meeting that I have to go to on Thursday. Apparently I have to attend four weeks and then decide if it’s for me. Is it selfish to say that I think I might benefit from doing this just as much as the people they come into contact with?  Really relishing the chance to meet people again, learn new skills, etc. I’m sure you’ll be hearing more about this in the future.

Looks like I’ll have things to do again very soon! YAAY

I also got a second contact for the volunteering service at the local hospital, but so far I haven’t been able to get in touch. Will keep tying though.

Oh oh… I took the first dose of Metformin today… and I haven’t felt sick at all but I failed to get hungry and forgot to eat dinner.  This getting three meals a day continues to be a pain in my behind :S

Speaking of the medication… I went to see the Patient Advice and Liaison Service (PALS) about my recent disastrous doctor’s appointment.  This is breaking new ground for me. Usually when I have a bad experience I just suck it up and move on… maybe – no definitely – bitching about it to my closet friends along the way  and/or refusing to go back. I really was so darn irritated after my appointment on Thursday, but I didn’t know where to turn. Google is your friend, or actually in this case maybe Gadget Guy’s friend.  He found me the details of this organization.  The tag line: NHS Wirral Have your say ~ so I decided for once that’s just what I would do instead of bitching and moaning. I’ll go and talk to someone who might be able to help, make sure it doesn’t happen again to me or anybody else for that matter. I actually found the service very friendly and approachable. I was able to tell the representative all about my issues. I mentioned all the issues that I talked about in my post:  the lack of eye contact, how I didn’t feel like what I said was being acknowledged and that I felt pushed out the door before my concerns were properly addressed. It was all noted – I even got to check over what had been written.  I can’t tell you how good I feel for having somebody official LISTEN to what I had to say. Anyhow, upshot of all this was I had the option to have the PALS’ representative call the surgery and complain for me but I decided instead just to keep the information on file in case of further issues (basically because I think a lot of the issue may have been that the doctor didn’t have my medical notes and that’s not her fault) but I will not hesitate to go back again if I am not given more respect in the future!

I’m not gonna be Miss Shut Up and Put Up With It anymore

Ali xX

K.S.: I looove watching Dancing with the Stars from the US. The show has me dancing in my chair lol (there will be no video evidence of this )

Can I have a word… Doctor !?

I hate doctor’s appointments. Really really HATE. I’m not too sure who is to blame for this; either the NHS and their stooopid 10 minute appointment time  or the individual doctor,  but either way I came away from our brief encounter today feeling down right depressed and pretty worthless. I didn’t actually get any of my questions answered. I still don’t have any explanation for the things I don’t understand that are going on with my own body. All you seemed interested in was whether I was about to collapse and die today.  If the answer is no then I should just STFU and move along. At least that’s how it felt! You failed to even look up from typing away on your laptop ONCE during the whole ordeal.  So I’m there trying to have a conversation about some quite personal issues and I feel like I’m interrupting. THAT’S NOT RIGHT.  OK, so, granted what you were actually doing was making notes, but, hay doc, for all your intelligence I’ve got to tell you EYE contact works wonders. I’m human just like you, ya know! FFS I’m the one who’s actually dealing with this on a day to day basis. When you ask me what the issue is, I expect you to acknowledge my response at LEAST. Maybe even let me finish my sentence before you cut me off with some dismissive remark. I know you may see people in much worse states than me so to you this seems like nothing but it’s a big damn deal to me. Right now my health is making my life hard everyday.  I want to fix it, but I need advice and help support from someone who supposedly knows about these things – someone like you. It takes a lot to even get me in your office, so if I sat in front of you, give me some respect. Please!   Now I feel totally worthless another number. a statistic. A piece of meat. An item of curiosity. I’m so MAD.  I don’t feel like going back. Was that your aim!?  Because I tell you  3 months ago that’s what I would have done crawled back into the hole I came out of and not seen a doctor again for a good long while, but I’m different now.  I’ve got my fighting gloves on and I will not give up. I’m going to get control of this thing with or without your help but I sure could use you on my side.

Despite being told to wait till yesterday for my appointment so the new surgery would have my notes, I got there to find that you had no such information which makes both of our lives miserable. So when I asked about counseling, I got a shrug. I asked about medication for PCOS and I got a prescription. Oh and then I got showed out the door because obviously I was only there because I wanted pills. For God sake what will it take for somebody to actually sit down and explain things to me in a way I can understand? What do I have to do just to feel like someone is honestly listening when I talk and not thinking about the previous patient or what they are going to have for lunch? I need somebody to look at the whole picture here, not just how I feel in the 10 minutes I’m in your office. IS ANYBODY LISTENING?? DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY WANT TO HELP!??

And another thing… if  as it appears you have no clue what PCOS actually is or what the best advice for me might be, could you at least make some attempt to either find out or put me in touch with somebody who does know?  is that too much to ask? Don’t fob me off.  If you don’t know – SAY SO. I won’t think any less of you. Honest. Until 2 years ago I had no clue either!

Oh and thanks so much for the last minute referral to the diet & lifestyle clinic.   an appointment time given to me on a scrap of screwed up paper that looks like its a rude note that’s been passed round a class room a few times before it got to me. Thanks. That made me feel just great. Yes I KNOW I’m overweight. Yes I know it’s not good for me… believe it or not I want to do something about it to. UH HUH I care. I’ve tried so many diets before I can’t even list them all. Does the person running this clinic actually know what PCOS is? Will they be able to help me control it with diet… or will they just be another person who see’s my failing attempts to lose weight, assumes I’m lazy and looks down on me?. Because, seriously, I’m not sure how many more condescending clueless people I have room for in my life right now.

Your very frustrated and desperate patient

Ali xX

Missing : “ZZZ’s”

I didn’t sleep last night… in fact I didn’t sleep at all today so everything I tell you is coming from the brain of a woman surrounded by the fog of not being able to think straight because her internal monologue is stuck on I need sleep… must sleep… why can’t I sleep… with various shades of groaning in-between. I have known the difference between “tired” and “sleepy” since my teens and I can assure you it’s perfectly possible to be completely wiped out, exhausted, knackered, and yet sleepiness seems miles away….as if the very act of my head touching the pillow sets off the alarm clock in my brain – WAKE UP !!!  Suddenly I’m thinking about anything and everything. I’d love to be more specific here but my thoughts race, jumping from subject to subject faster than your average speed dater while my brain seems to be running behind like the chick wobbling in high heels desperately trying to catch the bus. Thoughts are half formed, images not quite there, pieces missing.  This is not logical thought…and all it ever leads to is me tangled in the sheets from all the tossing and turning wondering WHYY  I’m still awake when  the rest of the world apparently has this sleep thing down. Even the shadows on my walls don’t move. I know. I’ve watched them for long enough.

The insomnia thing has been getting better. I do sleep most days now, anywhere between 3 and 8 hours… which is a vast improvement on where I was a year ago when I could go without sleeping three whole days regularly. After three days, just talking is a struggle and your brain makes you believe some VERY strange things, I’ve had actual fights with people before I realize the conversation I think we had was IN MY HEAD!  It feels so real to me, so vivid, I’ll swear to you it actually happened till I’m blue in the face.

Sleeping more now is a great thing! But… somehow its like my body has readjusted and whereas before I could go without for 24 hours and not bat and eyelid, today I’m totally crashing.  My brain is stalling and thoughts just don’t go together.  They all seem to be bouncing of this wall graffiti’ed with the words GO TO SLEEP in letters 6 foot high!

As a result of this, I actually achieved very little today. I did not progress with the clear out, I did not take the photo’s I said I would be posting today (coming soon honest) and I failed to get in touch with the job center today too though this wasn’t for lack of trying.  Expecting a call back tomorrow, fingers crossed .

I do have a couple of shining specks of good news in all this gloom… I have managed to actually get hold of the registration papers for my new doctor.  I actually filled them out too, ready to go back tomorrow, appointment to follow. I’m so pleased to have movement on the doctor issue even if it is just a small step. Also managed to register with an NHS dentist today – yes they DO exist and I got one. Yaaay!  Have my first appointment April 17th but let’s not think about that now otherwise I’ll be a shaking wreck.  Not sleeping again tonight. I guess that’s another of my cliché’s. I HATE the dentist and seen as we have been unable to find NHS service; my budget had a hissy fit and imploded at the mere thought of going private. I haven’t seen one in over a year so you just know this is going to be painful. Anyone wanna come hold my hand  ……..no?

I have resolved… if I don’t sleep tonight I will refuse to stare at the walls, going quietly mad tomorrow and instead I will attempt to bore myself to dreamland  by researching tips on how to get a good nights worth of zzz’s,..  Any tips or suggestions most welcome.

Ali xX

K.S.: I’m a step closer tonight to getting some of my medical questions answered.

Things to do ..places to go..

Excuse me while I take a day to pick myself up… yup I moped far too much today and only actually went out for my walk after much hesitation, but I did go. So I am making small progress. Sometimes there’s nothing for it but to stick on some up and at ‘em tunes, turn the music up too loud, sing & dance your heart out (hairbrush or shampoo bottle in hand or not as the case maybe) till you feel better. I knowwww some women actually do this… amazing! It’s exactly what I did tonight. Thank your lucky stars this is a no video blog. My singing alone would scare those with a nervous disposition or young children. This is especially true since artists on my playlist include Elton John, Queen, Sheryl Crow and Cher. Chick flick moment over. This woman is on her feet again and ready to kick some PCOS butt! Be afraid… be VERY afraid LOL

I failed to get in touch with the job center again today and quite frankly it’s getting ridiculous! I’ve been trying to make contact for a couple of weeks now. Either nobody answers the phone or when a human does answer they SAY are gonna call back… mmhumm riiight… still waiting. All I Want is a flipping appointment. I know the economy is in melt down. I know the chances of me getting anywhere after being off all this time are slim to none. Ok… I get that! But hay I’m trying here. Is it too much to ask that I could have an appointment and TALK to somebody FACE to face? I’m actually being proactive – it’s not like your chasing me, I’m contacting you. I truly want to work on this but I need HELP and I have to make sure I’m not gonna do anything that will have the mysterious result that my benefit gets cut off just as I’m making progress with getting back on my feet. ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE! Ok ok… yesterday was my fault…you did call back and I was asleep. I grant you that the end of your work day is a stupid time for me to be snoozing, but when sleep is a luxury and not a daily ritual you take it where you can get it. But but BUT in my defense I had Jon wake me up right after you called and I rang BACK. Must have just missed you – office closed. Here’s hoping we can connect SOOON. I’m one very frustrated claimant, customer, client (or whatever the current politically correct way you refer to me is)

I must must must get this doctor thing sorted. You have my permission to get on my back and NAG me repeatedly about this until it is done. Talking with a friend last night I realized just how many things I need to tell or ask someone and for that I need to register at the correct surgery! In the past I’ve disliked doctors. Not personally, it’s just I find it hard to question them or admit when I don’t always understand what they are telling me. I feel like I’m not being listened to and quite frankly they make me feel stupid. I think this is a throw back to when I was growing up. I’ve had a lot of contact with doctors and hospitals over the years and many of my issues I’ve had since such a young age that the medical profession talked to my parents and I sat in the corner playing with Lego’s or bandaging my dollies head. It’s weird how I don’t really recall a transition point where someone explained these things to me. I’m sure there must have been attempts at least but I think I need a do over. So I’ll look at moving to the new surgery as a fresh start and try not to be so guarded as I have been before. If I think positive perhaps this time I can have a good relationship with my GP. I’m thinking I’ll have to make several trips this may take longer than the 10 minute slots the NHS allocates for an appointment unless we both practice our speed talking or something.

My BIG project for the weekend is to try and get my house tidy… crashed past that point where I can’t ignore it anymore. On Wednesday when I realized the place is in such chaos that its making me snappy and irritated. There’s clutter everywhere I look and I can’t find ANYTHING. The good thing is the fact that I’m noticing the mess its getting to me means my frame of mind must be improving. Depressed me is oblivious to clutter. How do you think the place got into this state… there’s no way I can tackle the whole thing. That would take a miracle worker or a visit from Kim And Aggie from “How Clean Is Your House?”, but I want to see major inroads or I’ll be having words with myself.. Going to be posting some pictures of the place whatever its state come Monday, so I had better get my ass into gear!

So much to do… so much to do.

Ali xX

K.S.: Jon making wonderful curry for dinner.