Ghosts.

“…speak no more:
Thou turn’st mine eyes into my very soul;
And there I see such black and grained spots
As will not leave their tinct.”
Hamlet
Queen Gertrude
Act 3 Scene 4.

My goal of 2010 with no panic attacks crashed and burned today. I’m terrified. I don’t want to leave the house. I’m so close to throwing everything away. Why? Because I’m full of back emotional holes that are eating me alive. I’d give anything for it to stop. I wish I could just stop. No, I’m not saying I’m about to take a dive off a railroad bridge or anything… but sometimes I wish I could just… pause… feel peace… stop fighting the bad guys… the demons inside my own head. Do I know why this is happening to me? Sure, but I don’t know how to beat it, and some days I don’t think I’m worth a fight.

I wish I could just block it out… a bar… and a few bottles of vodka are starting to look really frikking good. The rational part of me knows I only crave vodi when my head is spinning and I’m screwed up about something. I can’t start down that road not even one step. I’m scared of myself.

I spent the day trying to push this urge away, drown it out. Hell I almost begged Gadget Guy to stay at his machine and call me, frightened to even let him leave to grab some breakfast for goodness sake. I shook, my heart racing, my head just hurting, fighting the urge to throw up… fighting the urge to stop talking, stop telling someone about the things inside my head and just leave. Finally, I feel asleep. Thank you God. I woke up three or so hours later feeling physically well, turned to my usual chick flick Bewitched style TV; something cheerful and fun that I don’t have to think about to much. Don’t need to focus to understand. I watched a few episodes of Glee. Now I can’t tell you if I love this show or hate it. I can’t make my mind up, but I do know as a distraction it worked well. I might have to add the DVD’s to the Bewitched shelf of shame reserved for just these occasions.

I want to hold on so badly: to the future I’m trying to build, to the belief I’m a better than this. I’m worth more but it would be so easy to just let go. Dear God… somebody… hold me and don’t let me go…

I know I sound like a melodramatic basket case with a bad case of the emo. I’ll explain… I’ll try. I want to talk. Tonight I just don’t have the time or mental faculties for a long and complicated story that I don’t really understand….

I’m sorry.

Ali

Two steps forward…

Frustration is the word for this week.  I’m just irked, stressed out and I don’t know why. I’m getting random headaches aches and pains. All my thoughts seem to be half formed inside my head – that same feeing when you have a word on the tip of your tongue – as if my brain is trying to think about and find a solution to six different things at once and achieving precisely nothing.  It’s working out the same for my blog. I have several things I should be talking about, I want to talk about, and yet somehow none of the information is coming together in a way that makes sense to me.

I was out in a crowd again this weekend as I took a trip to the Wirral Show with KM. It was a wonderful sunny day which I find always helps my mood. My thoughts become clearer. Generally, I’m just that much more hopeful. The event which started life as a local agricultural show but has over the years developed into more of a crowd pleaser.  You know, fun fair display teams over priced yet surprisingly good food and a whole bunch of people trying to sell you things. Still, it’s entertainment.  We had lots of giggles watching the stunt doggy display team or the routine choreographed by the local unit of the Merseyside Mounted Police in their shiny uniforms. There were military recruitment displays which kept both of us happy as KM is drawn to anything with Royal Navy written on it like metal to a magnet… and me, well, men in uniform… need I say more? The sales pitch worked. We’re such easy targets for marketing.  I was suckered into thinking that a voucher for a days Falconry is this year’s must have while Kayak Man is muttering something about wanting to get his mircolight license. Uh huh… Ijits!

The most remarkable thing about this outing, though, is that I didn’t even have a hint of panic the whole day we were out: Not even mildly nervous. In fact, most of the day I was quietly wondering where all these emotions had gone, feeling a little odd NOT to be worrying. Woohoo progress!

But then as we went out to see the much anticipated HARRY POTTER, I was a mess again: stressed and panicked and just not right in myself. Mmhumm. I should have known better than to go to this movie on opening day. I should have thought that the screen being sold out and therefore packed would be an issue for me. But but  I really wanted to see this movie. I’ve been waiting for it since I read the book and even I could not have known I would be this badly affected.  In fact, I ended up leaving said movie a total of THREE times to throw up. THREE. And yeah walking out in front of all those people trying to watch made me not just irritated that I was missing even a few minutes  but OMG ground swallow me now self conscious  not helping the whole anxiety thing.  Three times. I feel like we need to go again.  And I’m getting kind of peeved by this two steps forward one step back routine I seem to be stuck in.

May next week be better

Ali xX

Race For Life

Months ago now I was looking for a challenge: a goal to aim for in my quest to get over my panic attacks.  A test of my own strength, I guess, and so I decided to bite the bullet and sign up for my local Race for Life. The event is something that’s been running for a few years now with events nationwide.  Women from all walks of life are encouraged to come together and walk/jog/run a 5km (ok, some events people also do 10 km)  distance to raise money for Cancer Research UK. It’s been one of those things that I’ve sat at home on the couch and thought what a fantastic idea but never actually got up and done. This year I made it my personal challenge because, well, you can’t deny the huge numbers of families/lives that are touched by cancer in all its forms. It’s awful that the diagnosis of that big c word still strikes fear into the hearts of so many. Something needs to be done. We have to find a way to beat it and stop so many loved ones losing this terrible battle with an awful disease. Cancer Research UK is the charity taking up that fight. How could you not support that? A worthy cause and the best possible motivation to show panic who’s boss.

There were on the day 5100 women taking part in my event and that’s before you count all the volunteers, families and supporters. We’re talking a big crowd of people that not that long ago I would have found totally impossible to deal with without dissolving into a jabbering shaking mess and potentially throwing up all over my shoes. Keeping my cool enough to complete what is for me a physical challenge would have been impossible, but I love a challenge and I’m telling you I can be dam bloody minded when I put some effort into it. That and the advert claimed that anyone could complete 5km. I figure of all my friends I am the most overweight, the most unfit, the panic attack sufferer who has motivation issues…  in short the person LEAST likely to complete the task so I got it into my mind to put this “anyone ” theory to the test.

I decided to bring Skates (my cuddly version of the Chicago Wolves mascot) as my lucky charm. I don’t know why, but I often have this guy in my pocket when I’m going somewhere that makes me nervous. I find it helps. It could be because Skates is the coolest mascot I’ve ever seen. I mean the guy has flames coming out of his paws and for some reason always makes me giggle or because he’s a wolf and ain’t scared of nothing. Maybe its because he was given to me by someone who believes I can get over the panic thing (waves to acknowledge Gadget Guy this time ) or because he reminds me of happy times spent in Chicago. It could simply be that having an object to focus on other than the thing that’s making me panic helps. It doesn’t really matter why he makes a difference… he does and so Skates was Racing for Life too.

On the day I will admit I had a few wobbles as the crowed was encouraged to move closer together and gather for the warm up. I started to feel pretty claustrophobic (being a short person in a large crowd will do that to ya) I also felt pretty intimidated going through the starting line with all these spectators looking on. I know, they are supporting but I don’t deal well with the feeling that people are watching me. HOWEVER there was no way I was going to let these things stop me not after I had decided  to carry not only my own dedications but also those of other of my blog friends (helpfully provided via Twitter as I was getting ready to leave.) Plus, anyway, thinking about the battles people go through everyday with cancer puts a little panic into perspective and keeps those feet moving.

I found the distance actually easier than I thought it would be. Only one small issue: as I passed the 3KM marker, my foot hit the floor and my knee cap moved sideways in a way it’s not meant to. Thankfully it went back to the correct position and I just carried on. By the 4km mark there was no stopping me and I even walked the last km with a stone stuck in my shoe… just because I had my mind focused on that finish line and was too stubborn to stop and remove it. The heavens opened as I was covering the last 500m. Torrential rain, and by the time I crossed the line I was soaked but the task was done. YAAAY !

I felt so proud of myself for finishing in one piece without a panic episode. But most of all, for being able to do something – all be it a small thing – in honor of a few people who have fought /are fighting the REAL battle I did the race for life for:

* Butiful Mess‘s mum Judy who is loved and missed everyday

*Both of Geek By Marriage’s Uncles

* Mrs Bhatti who lost her battle with breast cancer last year

* Philly Gower who left us to young

* Carol & Lyinda who survived

* In Due Time‘s Aunt K who is currently fighting

*Kicking some ass for anyone touched by the “Big C”

And even though at the end I was cold, very wet and really stiff… despite the fact that the adrenaline eventually wore off and last night my knee was killing me worse than it has in months, I have to say this: some causes are worth a little pain and I would do it all again in a minute. In fact I have been set a new goal: KM has challenged me to take on 10k next time. Like I say I love a challenge so watch this space .

The Race For Life taught me:

Cancer affects more families than even I realized. It seems everyone has been touched in some way.

If you have knee problems you really should not leave home and forget your knee brace as you WILL pay for it later.

Don’t forget the sun cream.

Next time, do not wear a white t-shirt because it might rain and the wet t-shirt look DOES NOT suit me.

When you get a stone in your shoe and still have 1km to go, STOP and take the dang thing out.

Being bloody minded can work to your advantage and should not be underestimated.

Adrenaline is powerful stuff!

Lots of people, each doing a small thing, really does make a difference.

I am stronger than I though I was.

Sometimes pain is worth it.

And now for the photo proof :

SKATES !

Just after the start.

2km !

3KM - Just after my Ouch! moment

Finnished..YAY !

Excuse any spelling mistakes... it’s the thoughts that count

Proof. Anyone Really can do it .

Ali xX

P.S. If you wanted to make a donation to Cancer Reseach this is my sponsorship page.

Doing as I’m told

Gadget Guy says I have to write, so I’m trying to do just that. Something’s been happening with me.   I’m letting things slide again.  I haven’t done my Wii Fit in a good few days.  I didn’t keep up with my health dairy, even though I promised him I would, which makes me feel like utter crap.  Things are sliding and slipping back to a bad place and I don’t know WHY.

At this precise point in time I can’t even begin to reason why I feel God awful…  like spaced/out of it,  not in my own head, somewhat disconnected. its kind of weird. I’m hovering in this odd place where panic attack,  crying fit,  throwing up and passing out all meet…, with no idea which way I’m gonna go really. what I want to do is go and hide in bed, cuddle up with somebody and feel safe  because I don’t feel safe right now. I feel pretty out of control and quite scared.

So the deal between me and this Gadget Guy friend of mine is that I will try to do what he tells me and he won’t ask too much or tease me or push me too much because he knows I’ll just snap and either cry or scream or run away from him and his help.  I’ve done the first thing he asked me: I’ve got my health diary as up to date as I can, writing everything that’s happened to me over the last 3 days. Now I’m doing the second thing he asked: I’m here… writing… trying to make connections and put into words to my jumbled mess of thoughts.

I started feeling bad tonight about half way through my 2 hour First Aid training session (no, there were no gory pictures or recreated wounds that upset me or grossed me out .. so it’s not that). I got a sharp pain above my left eye and a stinking headache. I lost all focus and stopped really listening to what I was being told. My chest was racing.  It can’t have been too bad because I was still able to respond. I got up and practiced all my bandages and did everything I was asked, but inside I didn’t feel like all of me was present in that room. Apparently I looked miserable, so said the teacher who asked if I was ok. Yeah I’m ok; it’s just a headache and possibly a panic attack. Now when I have panic problems the last thing I need is anyone to draw attention to me, so of course i just said I was ok. I WAS ok coming home which might be due to the fact that I was chatting away to a friend on the phone and not really thinking about what I was doing. I’ve had something to eat. I’ve taken all my meds today… and I just don’t feel good.

In fact, odd things have been going on for a few days now. It kind of started on Monday… well actually early Tuesday morning for me. I was watching this weeks episode of Dancing With the Stars over the interwebs and chatting away with Gadget Guy when suddenly I was hit with the most awful cramping.  I mean bent double moaning. Total surprise. Comes out of nowhere and takes your breath away PAIN. It was intense but didn’t last long at all.  In fact it was over by the time the show finished and all I was left with was a dull ache like that part of my body had been through something. I thought nothing of it. I slept ok and woke up fine.

Woke up fine mmhumm… did not stay that way.  I was an emotional mess yesterday,  in fact I count the damage as 1 emotional meltdown to the point of tears over something stooopidly silly. I’ll tell you about it sometime but it probably merits a post all of its own.  This was before I came online and spent the afternoon getting more and more frustrated to the point of tearing my hair out and throwing a hissy fit in Gadget Guy’s face. Actually I’d say I snapped at him pretty effectively. Let me just explain… we’re those type of friends that are close enough  and know each other well enough that we bicker and tease ALOT… its just how we are. It’s not hurtful or mean. It’s just what we do.  Yeah, admittedly yesterday we spent a large amount of time talking about the few things that cause tension between us and that always makes me (needlessly) nervous and stressed. I mean, if we were gonna fall out over anything, what we were working on yesterday afternoon would probably be it… and I just don’t want to fall out with him. Somewhere in the middle of what we were doing I was hit by a wave of the most awful fatigue. I mean seriously it’s like going from fine to exhausted in less than 60 seconds. It SUCKS. Again, trouble focusing, all over body weakness and so so tired beyond tired. I get over sensitive when this happens.  Repetitive noises bother the hell out of me.  I mean like drive me demented. Must find them and make them STOP NOW  or I may start smashing things. Loud noises are bad. Music is awful… and all that playful teasing we were doing  becomes totally not fun anymore. It feels like it hurts and he’s pushing me. God damn it this guy is SOOOOOOO FRUSTRATING!!!  I had to walk away… HAD TOO. Now let me say it was not his fault. He wasn’t doing anything that is not normal behavior between us and we both were laughing about it, me through gritted teeth admittedly. He wasn’t mean or abusive (pffft Gadget Guy getting abusive LMAO that notion in itself is just so silly it makes me laugh) it was My Problem, hormonal or otherwise. I don’t know.

So cramps Monday… moody, irritable and suddenly exhausted Tuesday… and now this near panic attack, moody… about to throw up/keel over thing tonight.

WHAT the HELL is going on… and HOW do I get it back under control!???

There… I’ve done what my good friend asked of me ….can I go to bed yet?  Without CRYING my eyes out and embarrassing myself if possible!

I feel so broken.

Ali xX

Don’t call us …

I would say I had forgotten just how much the interview process is painful, but I’d be lying. I’ve always hated them and in my experience I would be in the majority with this view. Interviews suck.  The job I went for does not suck.  The company came over very professional with a clear idea of the market they are aiming for and a way of working that I could really get on boarded with… AND the color scheme for the place is black and purple which is just totally me. Honestly, if I could have designed it from scratch it would have looked pretty much AS IS. Yep, I think I would fit in and I think I could really be great at the job. Oh and did I mention I want to go back to work so bad its killing me! Yeah, me and a million other people.

And there’s the problem: do I think I would rock at this job? Oh yep I do… however I am sure there are plenty of other people who could also rock it. I don’t think I’m ace at the selling myself part. Let’s face it, its kind of hard to sell. I’ve been off sick for 2 years but I’ve rebuilt myself and I’m sooooooooo ready to get back to making a contribution to society. Pleeease take a chance on me… I’m not proud of where I’ve been for the last two years, so expecting me to sell it… pffft akward.

The interview was NOT a total disaster. I don’t feel I was out if my depth  nor do I feel that anyone was laughing at me  or wondering why I was there (so my nightmares did not come true). I was truly interested by the place, plus I just loved seeing how it was designed. I did not waste my time. That said, I don’t think I’ll be celebrating. Unfortunately the current economic climate and the uphill struggle of getting off long term sick benefit and back into work  made more like climbing a sheer cliff face. They have had more applications for this one post than ever before and the interview was peppered with don’t give up but don’t call us we’ll call you type phrases. Don’t you just love those!? Why do we have to swallow this oh so thinly sugar coated stuff?  I’d so much rather people were just honest. You didn’t get it, but here’s some feedback/pointers/things to work on..

I need to get better control of my nerves, though. I came right out of there and had a panic attack in the center of town.  Just a mild one. I didn’t collapse in a mess. I was kind of sick, though. I’m not even sure it was related to the stress from the interview, but it’s left me feeling pretty shaken up. I certainly don’t feel as confident today as I did 24 hours ago. I’m not too disheartened. I read once that people attend on average 8 interviews before actually being successful, in which case I have 7 more to go before I hit average.

*Sigh*…

I will not give up … on with the search…

Ali xX

K.S. Kayak Man finally handed in his project and is no longer yelling at his PC.

Popcorn & Puppies.

On the tidying front today: was a big fat FAIL. Must achieve something tomorrow or I’m going to be very embarrassed come Monday.

What we did do today is our movie for March. Part of the plan is to see at least one a month so I feel good about this. We get bonus points for the 40 min walk it takes to get there AND for doing that same walk home in the cold and the dark, not chickening out and riding the bus.  Sadly we give up those points somewhere in the middle for stopping at the Golden Gateway to fast food sin (that’s McDonalds to the rest of the world) and eating dinner. oh well.

Our movie of choice was “Marley and Me”. Well, when I say our movie of choice I mean mine. Hay, it was my turn or at least we think it was. It’s been so long since we went we can’t actually remember what film, but even Jon reckons it was one of HIS and I’m not one to argue when I’m getting my own way. It could have been worse for him – “Confessions of a Shopaholic” was playing, I’ll have you know.

I hadn’t read many any reviews of the film but the feedback from the Twitterverse left me unsure, most people saying it was a lot sadder than expected and I’ll agree there were surely some weepy moments, especially for anyone who experienced the joyous loving nature of a great dog for themselves. I had tears in my eyes… but then I balled my eyes out at “Sex in the City” and the “Little Mermaid”, so I’m thinking that’s not saying much

On the whole, I found the movie much more uplifting than I believed I would.  Laughing out loud several times always ratchets up my star rating for a film. If this Labrador’s antics don’t have you at least chuckling, well then I feel very sorry for you, my friend. It’s not earth shattering, ground breaking stuff, but I’d recommend it for a quiet night in and if you’re an animal lover, then it should be right up your street. There is one serious problem I need to draw to your attention: I WANT a puppy… and I’m sure so did many others as they exited the movie complex. Parents beware – you may be subjected to weeks of “can we get a dog can we get a dog can we get a dog pleeeease can we have a dog”. Forewarned is forearmed.  I wonder how many households are now home to yellow lab puppies and just out of curiosity how many of them are also called Marley after this Awwww so cute worlds worst dog .

Speaking of dogs, while browsing some PCOS support forum the other day I came across this interesting idea: service dogs for psychiatric support Essentially the concept is that a dog could be trained to help a sufferer of anxiety issues  in the same way that guide dogs can help the blind or hearing dogs aid the deaf.   tasks that can be performed by a psychiatric service dog include waking the suffer from nightmares,  recognizing when their human becomes anxious or has a panic attack and either attracting the patients attentions so that by focusing on the dog they will be able to calm down,  or leading the patient to a safer quieter place. Some dogs can will even lead their owners  home or back to their car when they have become disorientated.

I think this could be a great idea. I know for sure that a dog trained to attract my attention when I have a panic attack would help no end as often all I need is something to break the cycle of rushing thoughts in my head. I often feel isolated to so a companion that recognizes what’s going on and lets me know he’s there would be fantastic not to mention the simple joy of owning a dog and being responsible for caring for him / her, giving me something to do… someone to care for even forcing me to go outside and walk. I could see it being a social thing too. I mean who doesn’t stop and say hello to the person with the cute puppy. Studies have already shown the benefits of pet ownership for people with depression and projects like Pets As Therapy are already successfully using dogs and even cats to help patients in hospitals, hospices and nursing homes.

Isn’t the PSD idea just taking this one step further? I’m not exactly sure what the dog is trained to respond to however. I mean often there are very few outward signs of the panic going on inside my head so would a dog really be able to recognize what’s happening and respond accordingly? Hmm not sure… and if the dog has to watch out for me having nightmares, when does the poor thing sleep!?  I hardly think any boyfriend would be happy at the idea of having a puppy in bed with us even if it is to guard against monsters in my dreams!

Overall, I think it’s a wonderful idea, just not so sure on the practicalities.  You can find more information at the Psychiatric Service Dog Society website. This organization is in the US and sadly I haven’t been able to find similar on this side of the pond. If you know of anything please tell me

I believe owning a pet of some kind would help me for sure. I think the responsible thing to do is to get my own life more in order before I take on responsibility for an animal. So looks like I won’t be asking the doctor to prescribe me a puppy  just yet !

Ali xX

K.S.: That Marley puppy was soooo cuuute I couldn’t help but smile.

Do me a favor: Give the man a seat!

I have a confession:  when I got home last night I could not be bothered to cook and as it was late/dark /cold and I had panic issues, I went to the closest take away and got myself a veggie pizza. Very bad of me. Now I realize that I will have days when I break my own rules regarding diet, but boy am I paying for it today. I feel guilty and bloated.

I may feel weak about the diet slip up, but I am not weak. I pulled myself together and went out to Liverpool today, just like I told you I would. I was shopping for hours and the place was busy. I’d like to be able to tell you that the day passed without incident but well that wouldn’t exactly be telling the truth.  You see, I made a fatal error. I asked Jon to come shopping with me after the panic I got myself into. I thought I would cope better. I should of course have realized that taking a guy like Jon clothes shopping with me would only end in disaster. I have to add here that in fairness, it’s not his fault. He was really really patient with me for several hours, which only proves that he was trying really REALLY hard. I had a list of things I needed to get ready for my trip this weekend and I wasn’t having much luck finding anything that actually looked ok on me rather than just fitting me. :S With hindsight I should have gone on my own. Things came to head when a very uncomfortable man being pushed to his limits by a girl with a shopping addiction just wanted to sit down, was relieved to find that the fitting room had a couch at the entrance. He was just launching into a rant for the benefit of anyone who would listen along the lines of “aaahhh… finally… a seat. These things should be mandatory in all these stores” as I dived into the cubicle to try on my items. As I heard the assistant tell him “I’m sorry you can’t sit there … there are some chairs over by the shoes” even I’m going WHAT the… it made no sense to me. I mean I guess, yeah, the couch was technically just sitting on the carpet that marked the fitting room as different to the shop floor but jebus, let the guy sit down. There are cubicles here, there are locks and what’s more there is NOBODY else in the place. Do you realize the trouble you have just caused me, woman? I mean I can practically hear the steam coming out of his ears from here.   You’re lucky that he’s only going to blow up at me later and not give you a piece of his mind right here.

I came out of the changing room knowing there would be trouble of some kind, and sure enough I couldn’t see Jon anywhere.  Cue panic. I was already stressing over how long this trip had been taking. Now I can’t see him ANYWHERE and the longer I’m looking the more and more aware I am that I’m still wearing the shops clothes. He must have left. I’m edging over to the door desperately trying to convey to the security guard my best “I’m not about to make a run for it honest ” face because by now he has totally noticed me. Eventually, I spied his reflection in the window of the shop next door and somehow was able to attract his attention and all ended well – but for a few minutes there I really thought I was going to have to spent my budget paying for clothes I had just thrown up on…

Anyways, onto the good news… I found everything I needed for my trip and a few extras. What can I say… it happens especially when these extras are adorable. Gosh I would feel sexy in those thigh high boots. I was right – I DO feel great in them. So much so that I’m not even sorry I caved-in to the shoe thing again!!

I’ve picked my book for this month. I’ll be reading:

Narrow Dog to Indian River (by English narrow boat through an America nobody knows) Written by Terry Darlington  

The blurb on the back starts like this:

“Nobody has ever sailed an English narrow boat in the USA before … for reasons that become clear during the nine month voyage of the Phyllis May – Including 30 mile sea crossings ,blasting heat, tornados, hurricanes ,starving alligators, killer fish ,insects from hell and the walking dead.”

I got this far and I’m already chuckling at the idea of anyone sailing a brightly colored narrow boat anywhere in the US. That takes guts, in my book. What a cool idea. I wish I’d thought of it… hehe… but when I read that this adventure takes place in the Deep South and that one third of the crew is a whippet named Jim, I have high hopes that this book will have me laughing out loud. How could I not read it! Hoping I’m not disappointed.

On a more boring but practical note: I’ll also be reading Polycystic Ovary Syndrome the facts by Mohgah Elsheikh & Caroline Murphy this month as part of my effort to become more informed. I hear this rumor that knowledge is power, ya see.

The book is recommended by Verity the PCOS patient support group over here in the UK. I’m thinking about joining when I can – just a small matter of the £25 a year membership fee, which to me seems very reasonable. I want access to all the information I can and hopefully I could connect to some other women in my situation that way too     
I’m awarding myself a pat on the back today because I actually got off my backside and went swimming this evening for the first time in years – part of that whole “find exercise I can enjoy” idea. I chose swimming because one of the things on my list of issues is the fact that my left knee is screwed. It’s prone to swelling and can be painful after activity. In the water the exercise has less impact on your joints. It’s a bonus that I’m a total water baby – so I actually find swimming fun and relaxing.  Oddly I’m only self conscious about the way I look in a bathing suit when I’m not in the water. I had to grit my teeth and ignore this feeling tonight, but I did it.  I was only in the pool for 40 minutes of the hour session but it’s a start.  At the end of the day I might look awful but at least I’m trying to do something about it.  That’s what I keep telling myself anyway. I’m happy to report that my knee is fine tonight. While I was in the pool I was very aware of the difference in muscle strength / tone between my left and right leg – a difference I hadn’t really felt before. Hopefully this will improve too if I keep making a splash in the pool.

I’m going away to Scotland for the weekend tomorrow and I haven’t even finished packing yet ! but I’ll be taking  good old fashioned pen and paper with me so I can write each day and post when I get back. I’m not sure whether I’m more nervous about the trip or more excited. Keep you fingers crossed for me it goes well think positive!

See you on Monday

Ali xX 

K.S.: I say it again … LOVE my new boots!

Panic,don’t panic, PANIC PANIC PANIC !!

Today started out well. I made the trip into Chester to meet a friend from my university days I haven’t seen in years. The sun was shining in a blue sky with white cotton candy floss clouds and as I walked out of Chester train station I was feeling good and contemplating some other changes to my diet. We met, we hugged. It was just like old times and the fear that the reunion would be silent and awkward disappeared. We went to the pub for a catch up drink (wine for me please!), sat in the little court yard outside the bar. Life was good. I was enjoying the fresh air and laughter despite the cold.

I’m not what you would call a drinker. I have a drink maybe once a month, if that.  The problem is that some days I can have a few drinks, be full of giggles, and stop there. Others, the more I drink the more depressed I become until I don’t want to stop drinking. On days like that, the amounts I can drink without even realizing as well as the mixtures of things I put in my mouth are down right frightening. Anyone who’s seen me in this mess has probably seen a whole new side of me they wouldn’t like too much. Somehow it’s as if the booze is pealing away the veneer and exposing the scared damaged person I am underneath. All the things that have hurt me in the past seem to come back in some huge gang to slap me around the face and bully me.  They spin around in my head faster than the room I’m sitting in. I’m convinced that I see my troubles with double vision too. They seem so. They appear twice their usual size when I reach out to try and push them aside I always seem to miss. My brain is in its already half pickled state by this point. concludes that the only way to deal is to keep drinking until either I get knocked to my senses by the acid taste of vomit (thankfully this is very rare – only having happened twice in my life) or I pass out and sleep it off.  I don’t usually get hangovers, nor is it normal for me to forget what happened the night before. Sometimes I’m not sure if this is a blessing or a curse.

I fought with this drinking issue much too early in my teens than I care to admit and eventually I won. Well in truth, I didn’t so much win as walk away. I was just about teetotaler for my early twenties. Now I’m older and I love to enjoy a nice drink on a good day, particularly if that drink is a cocktail somewhere sunny and the company is good. I’ve learned to recognize which way my mind is going so that 98% of the time I know when it’s not a good idea for me to drink or carry on drinking.

As we were sipping the vodka and coke back at my mates place, (I was rationalizing in my head that my ban of fizzy pop could start tomorrow for the sake of a nice reunion with an old friend) I was quickly coming to realize today… NOT a good day. I stopped drinking. Now you’ll have to trust me that I had not consumed a large amount at this point and was by no means what my friends and I would call “wasted”. In fact, I wasn’t even feeling tipsy (even though telling you this means admitting that I sang along to Cher loudly and very badly even when I was sober) but still I was too late to stop the panic that followed.

As panic attacks go, I consider this one to be mild. My assessment of this is not based on how I was actually feeling but more on what others around me were able to see. I didn’t hyperventilate, I didn’t pass out, I never cried – I just got… quiet. The thin sheet of eerie calm though barely covers the chaos going on in my head. At any moment the panic could punch through and I’d be a shaking mess probably doing more than one of the things mentioned above. If you look really closely you could probably see my hands shaking – that’s if I haven’t shoved then in my pockets in an attempt to conceal the crisis. I’ve said before I HATE admitting I need help, so I sit almost silent trying to control the shaking, get hold of my breathing and loosen the vice that seems to have clamped itself tight around my chest, willing the racing heartbeat that’s tapping out a rhythm on the inside of my skull to just SHUT UP a minute so I can think. I can’t tell you what I’m scared of.  I don’t know what frightens me.  There must be a trigger of some sort, I would think and sometimes I can identify it and tell you. Others like today I have no frikkin’ clue. I just know that I can’t move for fear.. Why is it that when I have a panic attack I want to grab hold of someone I trust and press myself right into them till I actually  disappear?  Why is it there are so few people on my list of possible victims? (If you find yourself on this list please take it as a compliment. It just means I trust you with my life and somehow you make me feel safe from whatever it is that has wormed its way into my head and scared the living daylight out of me. Also note that while I really really want to grab hold of you this way you probably have more chance of winning the lottery than me actually acting on my wish) and why oh why are all of these chosen few MALE ?! When I have just as many female friends I trust just as much – in some cases more (answers on a postcard please ).

I had to call for help to get home. I needed back up. The rational part of my brain needed reinforcement before it could face the 10 minute walk to the train station, let alone the 40 minute train trip that seemed to stretch out in front of me further than the eye could see.

To the person that answered that call: Thank you for saving my ass once again… you help more than you know.

For the person I left behind: even though he offered me his bed and asked me to stay, I’m sorry I had to go for my own mental health. I don’t want to give into this anymore. I’ll be back soon. I promise.

To the ones of you that know panic understand what I’m talking about I’m talking about. Find people to call, keep fighting don’t give up try to remember the sun always comes back after the rain. 

And for those of you who think it can’t be THAT bad, pull yourself together, what a lot of fuss over nothing or that somehow I am a weak person…  all I can say is I truly hope you never come to understand.

Today ended up a bad day. I’ve moved into damage limitation mode. I will not give in. I’m going out tomorrow and it WILL be better. 

Ali xX

K.S.: I got home and someone was there to open the front door.

Plan on hold for a penny

"See a penny, pick it up and all day long you'll have good luck"

I’m not really one for superstitions, but for some reason this lucky penny thing has been with me since I was small. Finding them makes me smile. It’s a little lift similar to that I feel when the bus is waiting for me as I get to the stop or I discover a favorite episode of some show while channel flicking.  It’s nothing particularly special, just a little feeling that things are going your way.  I have been known drop the occasional penny in the hopes that someone who needs a little luck might find it. I don’t always pick them up either thinking that sometimes I’m ok and someone else can have the charm, but today as I was coming out of a crowded building on the first day of my quest to quit quitting I saw this one shining on the floor and had to have it.

I’m sharing my luck with you – isn’t it pretty

I’m too aware that for all my Gung Ho attitude yesterday, I need to actually formulate a plan of action in order to keep this thing alive.  It’s all too easy to slide into the foggy black haze of depression routinely doing nothing. I got up today fully intending to sit down and write it so that I could show you this marvelous thing and receive my gold star for effort. Honestly I was going to, but instead I went out and not because I had to either.

I know to those of you out there with normal lives this is no big deal, but my life has not been normal.  I’ve been lucky if I leave the house once every three weeks, and usually then it’s for some appointment.  I don’t like outside.  It’s scary, it’s loud, it’s crowded… and it can lead to confusion disorientation and worst of all: PANIC. Shaking. Chest crushing. Can’t breathe. The world is going to end panic attacks.

Today: screw panic. I went out ALL DAY.  I’m so glad I did for all these reasons:

1. I have my lucky penny

2. I would have missed out of giggling my ass off at some old fella driving the unmistakable yellow of a NY cab around the streets of Liverpool

3. I wouldn’t have tried a burrito bowl for the very first time and so I wouldn’t know that I want to eat so many more!

4. The sun was shining

5. It gave me something to write about

But most of all, and this is the best bit…

6. I felt normal

7. I DID NOT PANIC!

And so the master plan has to wait till tomorrow …and I feel great.

Ali xX