Drowning.

I’ve been in a funk the last two days. I could tell you its PMS hormones or blame college or visiting my mum for New Year, but the real story is the holidays make me broody or more accurately more broody than usual. It’s a time for families and so magical when there are children around. Each year around this time I have a moment like this pre-2006 a sigh and a moment of sadness that I don’t have a child to pull close to me. It used to be followed by a hopeful wish that my time would come at some point and that the waiting would be worth it. The whole thing would last a few minutes and I’d go back to some festive preparation, shopping, cooking, or contemplating the standard of decor at the local pub. It wasn’t really a big deal and I never felt the need to tell anyone.

I’ve some wonderful memories of Christmas as a couple: the first time we had to buy and decorate our own tree. That year our oven was broken and the turkey didn’t finish cooking till 11pm, hours after everything else. Once we decided to have a duck instead of the traditional turkey. We named him Larry. I spent the whole day in my PJ’s. We’ve been apart for the holiday; to exchanging gifts in a bar quick snatched moment before we went our separate ways and the memory arriving back at College that first year to see this man in his leather biker jacket waiting for me outside my front door looking a tad frozen. I love Christmas with him and after the last couple of years I’m grateful we’re back together for 2009.

Since 2006 I can’t deny that the feelings of regret have grown. I suppose we always realize how much we wanted something just after it is taken away. But, this year it’s different and so hard. I was always sad for what could have been in the future. Now I’m missing something I want NOW. Let me frame this by saying it’s a completely irrational want. We are not in a position where we should bring a child into this world even if we could. It would be stupid and irresponsible and man everyone around us would be mad as hell… but still… I feel like a kid with the blinkered unrealistic Christmas List… you know the one that reads: A baby. Period. Ridiculous.

I know it will pass. Why is it when you think you’re getting over this thing moving on it shows up again packing an extra punch?  I am at a loss. It hurts. It overwhelms. Paralyzes. Drowning in sadness and longing.

I want to just retreat quietly and take some time to regroup and get my emotions in order, but at this time of year when everyone is high on festive spirit, I feel so much pressure to be happy and not just happy but EXTRA joyful because after all its CHRITMAS.  Sigh… the more you draw attention to the gap between how I feel and how you THINK I should feel, I just end up feeling worse. I don’t want to let anyone down…. but you can’t fix this for me. I need to be allowed to feel it. I need space to wrap my head around it.

I will survive …

Ali xX

PMDD?

PMS is causing havoc.  We’re not just talking moody and irritable here.  I’m talking interfering with my life, making me a totally different person. I’m confused and actually a little scared of my own mood swings, not to mention the pain. My cycle is fucked up anyways thanks to PCOS and this is the first year that I’ve really been keeping tabs on things. It turns out this year I’ve been getting a visit from dear old AF around once every two months but the week before I’m going through hell. I’m a restrained person in public and these things don’t really affect me in terms of work or right now: volunteering.  The problem mostly affects those close to me where I feel comfortable enough to be myself to let go and really talk about how I’m feelings or yell about it as the case may be.

KM is bearing the brunt of the sudden mood changes. Previously, we’ve written them off to depression or sometimes the stressful events going on in our lives, but it’s only this year since I’ve really been recording things that I realized it’s my cycle that’s responsible for turning me into a  monster.

It’s not just arguing. We’re talking unbelievable unprovoked anger:  things that usually would be a small irritation cause this rage that has me yelling and wanting to throw things at his head.  So far I’ve never actually thrown anything. Well, except for a sandwich once in college… a story that I’ve never lived down since… when you’re having to make a considerable effort NOT to, something isn’t right.

Then there’s the crying. I don’t cry, certainly not in public, and I try my best not to cry even in private. I hate it and yet in this hormonal week I’m bursting into tears all over the place with little or no reason.  Not just a tear or two: we’re talking bawling tears – streaming… hug me .hug me… love me… it’s awful.

So, I was watching Gadget Guy’s TiVo the other day and I’m sure I’ve mentioned before how shocking I find all the pharmaceutical adverts that are on TV in the US, but this one one night I’m hearing a drug used to treat PMDD. Well it just ticked all the boxes so forgive me, but I had to consult Dr Google. This thing sounds so much like me it scared me. Unfortunately, PMDD is not yet recognized in the UK so I don’t feel like I can go to a GP and be taken seriously. I always am a little wary about reading up on some illness on the internet. It’s so easy to think you have any illness that’s vaguely similar, but then at the same time I found out about PCOS this way and had the same gut feeling that I do now about PMDD  and I was right on the PCOS thing even though it took me two years to get diagnosed.

I’m not going to go rushing out to the doctor or anything, but I guess I have to keep a closer eye on this issue next year. When does PMS cross the line from an irritating side effect of an impending arrival to serious problem is it reasonable to ask for help with ?

Ali xX

July IComLeavWe

It’s that time again  July IComLeavWe is here! A very warm welcome to you if that’s how you came to be here. This is the first time I’ve written a little intro for the occasion and to be honest I’m pretty nervous. Let me get the thing that’s worrying me out of the way first. I’m an infertile wanna be midwife. I write about all parts of my life on my blog so sometimes you’ll find me ranting about the pain and injustice of infertility because, let’s face it, this thing is a bitch… but then in other posts I’ll be talking about my feelings and my journey  as I chase my dream to become a registered midwife in the UK. I say this upfront because I absolutely do not want anything I write about here to cause you distress, so if you are feeling fragile or just not in the mood  please go ahead and bypass my ramblings. I will not take offense, I promise. Please know that you take with you my very best wishes in hopes that your dreams come true.

I have PCOS (DX Summer 2006) and some other medical history including a heart problem which basically means the chances of me conceiving and then safely carrying a baby to term are… well, ridiculously small. At the time that all this came to light, I struggling to recover from an abusive relationship with my father as a result of which, amongst other things, means that relations between me and my mum are very strained at best. By the end of 2006 I had lost my job, seen a relationship break down, moved house and was suffering anxiety and severe depression. I’m not proud of it, but things just all fell apart. Fast forward to now and you join me as I’m trying to put the pieces all back together. I haven’t had a panic attack in months (fingers crossed).  I’m returning to college in September. I’m looking for work (me and a million other people).  I’m in a relationship with a guy who’s been my close friend for nearly 8 years. At 27 he just graduated college and wants us to be married by this time next year. While we are not TTC at the moment I really struggle with commitment because of my past and my infertility.

Welcome to my journey…

Oh I should introduce the guy in the background.  We refer to him as Gadget Guy. He’s a very good friend I met online.  He currently lives in Chicago with Mrs. Gadget Guy and their oh so cute bunny Chip and he looooves gadgets (the clues in the name). (Editor: Hello… Gadget Guy here… <waves>!) I tell you about him because, well, I’m dyslexic and he’s my editor/human spell checker.  If you want to read about it the info is here.

My master plan is here

If you think I’m crazy for wanting to be a midwife, you should read these posts.

A few people have written their A-Z for an intro over the last couple of months. Such a cute idea, I had to give it a go:

A: America – My Favorite place to Travel /explore/learn about/the place I would live if given the choice.

B: Baseball – My sport. The only one I really follow

C: Cooking – something I wish I was better at

D:  Dyslexic- Yes I am.

E: Exercise – also referred to as the “E” thing. Something I need to do more of.

F: French – The only other language I can speak.

G: Gadget Guy- My good friend from Chicago also my human spell checker

H: Home – something I’m looking for.

I: Infertility – the main cause of my depression / frustration… perhaps anger.

J: Job Seeking – uugh it sucks

K: Kayak Man – My significant other

L: Liverpool – the nearest big city to me

M: Midwife – something I hope to become.

N: Needle Work – something I wish I had more time for

O: Ocean – something very beautiful to me.

P: PCOS – something I struggle with

Q: Questions – I often have them and I nearly always answer them when I’m asked.

R: Reading – something I will be doing a lot more of over the next few years.

S: Scottish – my actual nationality

T: Theatre – my forgotten passion. How I miss it

U: University – The journey I hope to start, that Kayak Man just finished

V: Volunteer- something I do for the Red Cross and local hospital.

W: Wedding – the most stressful word in my life at the moment.

X= Kisses! – I know I cheated but how can you not love them the chocolate kind and the real ones.

Y: Yankees – My team  see B

Z: Zamboni – possibly my most favorite word it always makes me chuckle

So there we have it Ali from A- Z … Happy IComLeavWe.

Ali xX

PCOS and your fertility.

I’ve was following the Verity twitter feed because they were Tweeting live from a one day conference they held on PCOS and fertility. For those of you that don’t know, Verity is the patient group that supports UK women with PCOS and you can find the twitter feed here :

Here are most of  the day’s tweets in order.

Oh and the abbreviations you might need to know:

FSH = Follicle Stimulating Hormone

LH = Luteinizing Hormone

NICE= National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence.

PCT= Primary Care Trusts

Here goes:

No increased risk of miscarriage is not greatly increased if at all in women (long-term study from Finland)

one reason miscarriage reported to be higher in PCOS women is due to following pregnancy from very early stage

Hmmm these first two sort of make sense to me and they leave me feeling somewhat hopeful… wonder if I can find more details on this study!?

Follicles get ‘stuck’ in women with PCOS, probably due to abnormal hormone environment & suppression of FSH

Abnormal hormone environment: higher levels of LH, high levels of insulin (in overweight women) & lower levels of FSH

Overweight women who lose 5-10% can see vast improvement in symptoms (Kiddy 1992, Clark 1995, Normal 2002, Steele 2005)

This I know to be true  just from the improvement I saw when I was lighter two years ago as compared to now. Getting my weight to stop swinging from one to the other though… uuugh frustrating!

Clomid has been used for more than 40 yrs as an estrogen blocker to increase FSH levels & trigger ovulation in PCOS women

Clomid has 75-80% ovulatory rate but still has multiple pregnancy rate of around 10%, ultrasound monitoring should be in 1st cycle

Clomid generally not recommended to be under GP in 1st cycle as they don’t have facility for ultrasound monitoring.

Slim women with PCOS generally have surge of follicles with Clomid, so dose would be reduced on next cycle

Women with higher LH & testosterone can be Clomid resistant, not generally given with BMI over 30 & preferable <25

Yikes I’m sitting here with a BMI around 37 and raised testosterone levels, a lot of work to do if I want this drug to have a shot at helping me .

Women with BMI over 30 that have tried to lose weight can be tried on Clomid.

I’m a pessimist I guess. This sounds like a set up for heartache to me :S

Low-dose, step up FSH regimen has been used for more than 20 yrs. typical start at 50 units per day, then 75, 100 and 125

Clomid used on women with BMI >40 *CAN* work but is very rarely successful

Must lose weight Ali … must try harder.

Ovarian drilling is successful but not quite sure why – success rate btwn low dose FSH & ovarian drilling is comparable

Dutch study: conception rate in Clomid & Metformin = 40% … Clomid & placebo is 40%

Nth American study: live birth rate w Clomid & Metformin = 26.8%, Clomid & placebo = 22.5% and Metformin & placebo = 7.2%

Man those live birth rates SUCK … I say again PCOS you are a bitch with little mercy and feeling less hopeful again

Metformin has a place in reducing insulin levels but not as a line of fertility treatment.

In a great number of women with PCOS, it is possible to restore normal ovulation.

Wonder will I ever be on the right side of these numbers … hmmmm ?

Q: Thoughts on ovulation prediction kits? They are useful but not accurate in women with PCOS due to higher levels of LH

Cervical mucus comes just prior to ovulation. Temperature rise is after ovulation. Egg disappears quickly after ovulation.

Oh for the simpleness of have sex, get pregnant without ever hearing the phrase cervical mucus … Sadly it was not to be.

Q: Clomid ovarian cancer study – thoughts? A: after initial scare, studies have been reassuring… will go up to 9 cycles.

Q: if you don’t get pregnant after 6 Clomid cycles, what’s next? A: Look at low dose FSH injections

Q: Correlation btwn severity of symptoms & fertility? A: Not a lot of difference in rates of ovulation & pregnancy.

Q: what is top end BMI range of treatment? A: >30 if they have lost weight. Not sure if it is weight or nutrition related

Q: Am of normal weight, but even when I put a few pounds on I notice huge difference in severity of symptoms

A: It’s the change in weight that’s important, not the weight itself

Q: if I am in high end of normal BMI – will getting on the lower end of normal help? A: No, it won’t help

Q: Blurred vision on Clomid, can I take FSH? A: Yes you can take FSH

Q: If I have IVF & live birth, w 2nd pregnancy is 1st line of treatment IVF? A: Worth trying Clomid again as things change

Q: vitamin D deficiency in PCOS? A: link between vit. D & insulin resistance.. Normal levels of vit. D can help PCOS women

Q: can I get vit. D test from GP? A: you could, but not sure if you should have regular tests. We need more research & info

Q: is there a min. BMI for treatment? A: European origin generally >19 for treatment, but can depend on ethnicity

In the UK, funding for fertility treatment is very very poor in comparison to other European countries

Suck sucks..SUCKS !

NICE recommended 3 cycles of IVF and it is not progressing across PCTs throughout the country

In the 5 yrs since NICE guidelines came out, services have improved and East of England is providing the best service

Uughh so … relocate to the east of England to give me the best change of winning the NHS postcode lottery. WHEN will our government realize that THIS is not good enough and actually DO something about it…

Impact of infertility is misunderstood… it doesn’t just affect two people, but their friends and family also.

Govt. considering national tariff to set standard cost on IVF and fertility treatment.

GOOD IDEA… watch this space.

www.fundingforfertility.com has template letters for you to send off to PCTs and MPs about your lack of funding.

People (infertility patients) need to make a fuss, as PCTs think that people don’t care when fertility funding gets cut.

Mmhumm people who can have kids don’t care … and people who can’t have kids don’t like to talk about it so much. So very sad.

Q: Why do they cut fertility funding? A: It’s an easy thing to cut, as people / public don’t make a fuss

What is the point of NICE guidelines if decision making is made on a local level with no enforcement as to how £ gets spent

Best place to live in London for IVF funded treatment? East London

Delegate got told that wouldn’t get fertility funding from Berkeshire PCT as they lost £90m in the bank crash.

Figures

Q: what are the IVF waiting lists like? A: Good, because we (UK) don’t fund very many, should happen within 18 weeks

Good news for all the wrong reasons.

Q: how much does IVF actually cost? Q: Between £3k and £5k … lower end from £2k plus drugs (= £3k)

Actually this is LESS than I thought.

There is still a stigma attached to infertility, and that our body is letting us down… feel angry, ashamed & frustrated.

Whoo… check, check and check… I certainly feel all of those things on a regular basis.

We don’t realize how many babies there are until you can’t have one yourself & it feels like our life is on hold waiting.

“I felt like everyone else that couldn’t have a baby was dealing with it fine except me”

- Then you should read more blogs you are not alone my friend… not at all.

Infertile couples often find themselves feeling jealous of people / friends / family with babies

There is no doubt that TTC and baby making sex puts a huge strain on relationships

Support (especially peer support) is not as common and forthcoming for men going through infertility

Yeah you know I think the guys have a rough time of it infertility hurts everyone involved

If you are going through treatment, it’s important to talk to your partner about whether you both attend appointments, etc.

More and more women are turning to complementary therapy, but not as many do and they can be as beneficial

Tell your employer you were undergoing fertility treatment? 1/3 of people don’t as they fear being treated differently

Do you tell friends & family? Consider telling them you are doing it, but don’t tell them *when* you are doing it

Counseling can make a *big* difference in how you cope with fertility treatment – see a fertility friendly counselor

Keep stress down as much as you can… TTC is *very* stressful, but help to lessen that as much as you can (comp. therapy)

Learn as much as you can about treatment, it helps you feel empowered. Main difference is getting support & help

OK, so that’s the lot. I actually learned a few things which is always good for my own part. Mother nature decided to celebrate the fertility event by sending AF to visit me late last night just in time making my last cycle 85 days long. This sucks because until now I had been doing so well – hitting regular cycles of around 32 days. It also sucks because unlike AF’s previous two visits that have been totally pain and stress free, this time things are definitely starting to get a lot more painful and uncomfortable again. Just when I thought I was making a little progress… *sighs* I wish I understood my body better.

Ali xX

A word about that last post..

I feel the need to add a few little comments after my last… aherm… bitter emotional outburst. First, let me say that I totally understand that when folks say these “you could still get pregnant ” and ” you just never know ” things to me I know it is usually said because that person cares about me in some way and its meant with the best of intentions. In the last post, the bitterness/anger comes across as directed at them when really all it is frustration and pain and the fact of my own body’s malfunction and infertility. My friends in no way set out to hurt me and it’s not really them I’m angry at. I think in a way that’s one of the things that is so hard about this. There is nobody to take the blame and if there’s nobody at fault then of course there is nobody who can make it a little better with an apology and a promise not to do it again.

VERY simple things in life work like this. Someone is wronged, they get mad/upset /bitter, the person at fault apologizes and tries to rectify the situation in some way, anger sort of fades, and people accept what’s happened and move on.

Infertility is ANYTHING BUT simple and right now it feels more like this to me.  Something has hurt me, smashed my most precious possession (my dreams for the future) into pieces and left me with a pile of fragments on the floor that somehow I have to try and put back together by making increasing difficult decisions.  Like the world’s worst jigsaw and what’s more no instructions were left behind. I’m mad/upset/bitter but there’s nobody to blame… no one who can explain WHY this happened to me or what I did to deserve it. It just happened and now I have to live with it, seen as I won’t get an explanation or an apology and I have no idea if this thing will ever be rectified. My anger, my upset, doesn’t really fade. I can’t forgive and move on if there’s nobody to blame, so instead I accept that sometimes infertility will make me LIVID… will have me cry my eyes out or want to scream because all I can do is live each day as it comes and some days accepting the situation is much easier than others.

Sometimes I just have to VENT that emotion and rather than maul some unsuspecting friend with a tirade of emotional outburst and a flood of tears, I vent here on my blog because here it feels safe to do so. There’s a lot less chance I’ll hurt someone who is NOT to blame and more than that they are actually TRYING to help me even if I feel like its backfiring a little.

You know what makes it even better? Here in this bloggy world of mine, there are others like me trying to put the pieces back together. Others sharing their stories and experiences giving and receiving support and friendship.  It’s amazing. It’s like one huge collective effort to write that missing instruction book “How to cope when infertility makes it all go wrong.”  I’m so grateful for the support and hugs and messages I receive here. Please know that I’ve not been hurt by any of you.  There has been no foot in mouth situations (glances in Beautiful Mess’s direction) none. Sometimes my emotions just run away with me and the irrational infertile hulk comes out of hiding and stomps all over the page like a bear with a sore head. It’s a part of me I don’t like that I’m trying to control/find a cure or solution for. But seen as the only cure that comes to mind is a child or one hell of a loooooooong time, I reckon the monster is planning on hanging out for a while.  My bad. I’m sorry

This whole refusal to live hope. the way I just don’t allow myself to contemplate and cling on to images of me pregnant or as a mum is just my way of coping right now… the way I’ve been able to rewire myself for a while so I can try to rebuild my life.  It’s not the only way of coping.  Heck I’m not sure if its a good way of coping.  I’m sure there are a good few of you thinking I’m pretty weird or that I’m doing it all wrong and that’s ok. If you have any better ideas, pleeeeeease share. I’m open to all suggestions. At the end of the day everyone has to find their own way. This is kinda sorta maybe working for me right now, so I’m gonna just keep doing it till I find something that’s a better option…

I hope you can tell I’m feeling much better today and the hulk is nowhere to be seen.Thanks for all your help with that

Ali xX

Ali smash.

I’m having an infertile day today. Uh huh, yeah I know. I’m always infertile but some days you just feel it more than others. Today is one of those days where for some reason I’m just irritated by the whole thing. I want to throw in the towel. I want the world to leave this part of me well alone for 5 minutes please! I’m entirely sick of opening my inbox to find bright happy smiling baby faces trying to entice me to buy some Bugaboo stroller. Bugabugger off – I don’t need a stroller and the five adverts you send me a day are NOT gonna change that. TRUST ME. If it would, I’d fill my house with flipping strollers ok… seriously anonymous spammer listen to me… I have more chance of persuading Kayak Man that we need that last enlargement gadget you were offering than actually bringing home a baby that would need a stooopid stroller. Why don’t you just come over here and mention the words penis and enlargement while looking in KM’s direction so that when I’m picking up your remains off the sidewalk with a teaspoon maybe you’ll understand NEVER GONNA HAPPEN and take me off your list!

And that leads me to another thing.  A close friend recently came out with this little gem…”You could still get pregnant… you just don’t know.”

Excuse me while I put my head in a pillow and scream so that the infertile hulk inside me does not escape wanting to rip your head off just to get you to QUIET.  It’s ok I’ll be back with you in a minute… just gotta give that crazy pained part of me another tranquilizer. We’ll just pretend you did not just say that to me and things will carry on just like before.  No harm no foul no big deal…*gritted teeth grin*

You’re right… I don’t know. I can’t see into the future. I’m no mystique. I don’t know. I may one day have a child. Heck if there’s a real miracle I may even get pregnant… maybe… just the same as you might get hit by a bus tomorrow (not that I’m hoping or anything ) or win the lottery on Wednesday but your not gonna pin your hopes on it… ARE YOU? If you were upset about your money worries and I casually told you its ok you might still win the lottery you never know… you think I was at best rude and insensitive at worse delusional and crazy… you might laugh but if the worries are THAT bad you probably wouldn’t on the balance of probability not gonna happen.

So here’s the thing: if by some amazing wonderful hit the jackpot style luck at some point in my life I wind up pregnant… or… heavens actually have a child that calls me mum… I’ll be the first one jumping for joy and you can tell me “I told you so” or “I always knew it would happen” a billion times over and I won’t care!  Chances are I’ll be too busy looking at my child’s face or playing some kids game and I won’t really pay attention… or better yet the laughter and smiles will have you so drawn into our world that you will forget what it was you were going to lecture  me about.

But until then …I’m looking at the facts and trying to find a way to deal with the more likely situation that I’ll be living child free not by choice and I don’t wanna spend large amounts of time hoping or looking for some way… or thinking that the doctors must have made some mistake because it kills me inside. I can’t deal with it and I’ll waste away into a crying mess in the corner, looking at the hole in my heart instead of a smiling child’s face…

So I deal with it this way: I live believing that children (ok I should add children of my own here) are an impossibility in this life anyways and I choose to try and move on knowing that and having some form of VERY uneasy acceptance and trying to make a new life – one that’s so much different than what I pictured. I’m finding a way to cope with the worst case scenario here. If fate chooses somehow to surprise me, I’ll throw a frikkin’ party and send you an invite. UNTIL THEN… no more of this “you could still get pregnant” talk because for one thing it feels like your dismissing the problem as if I told you I cut my knee or I didn’t like my new haircut and that if I just do all the things you’ve read about it has to turn out ok. I’ve got news for you fertile friend THIS does not always turn out OK. Unfortunately the ability to conceive and give birth to a healthy child is a privilege and not a right..

And that second reason… don’t fill my head with images of me pregnant because they break my heart… and I can’t cope. I feel so fragile. You’ll walk away thinking you’ve given me hope when actually you just touched something really painful and left me crying when you’re not looking because I’m too proud to cry in front of you…and I don’t wanna put this on you… and I’m not sure you’d understand even if I did.

Thanks for listening

Ali xX

Hormones gone haywire … here we go again.

Uuugh… hormones are wreaking havoc with me. I have this oddly out of control feeling like I have too much energy or stress or tension… emotion maybe… goodness knows but it’s making my skin crawl and feel tingly all over right to the tips of my fingers but so much worse in my thighs. I feel shaky and unstable, both physically but mentally too with no idea which extreme of emotion I might lurch into next. All I know is provoke me and I fear extreme reaction will occur – not sure if that will be crying hysterically or screaming like a banshee. I hate feeling this way. Hate it. I’m not right in my own skin. Everything feels awkward and prickly. I have an odd sensation in my head and I want a cuddle.  I need to be held. I need to hold you – only my skin crawls so bad when you actually do touch me I can hardly stand it… and I’m scared if I did hold you I’d squeeze you so tight it would hurt. It’s so confusing… a jumbled mess of rawness that makes no sense and has an oddly destructive streak. I have raging hormones… that mean I actually want to tear some guy apart in a desperate need for intimacy and yet I’m scared to because tear apart is no joke. In this mood I feel the need to bite. And not in a kinky fun gentle way. There is a sensation in my jaw. I bite HARD.  I know this because most times I’ll end up biting my own hand and leaving bruises and teeth marks. I want to dig my nails into something and actually tear it up.  It’s INSANE and overwhelming and to be honest it frightens me. It usually only lasts a couple of days but it feels like forever and each time is just a little different. Today, for example, I’m not getting mad or angry like I have done in the past just SCARED to death with a feeling that something bad is going to happen to me or someone close to me. It’s totally irrational. There’s no reason at all to think bad news is on the way but I can’t shake this awful doom and gloom feeling.  Another new thing for me my joints all are stiff and ache. Not just my knees which is usual for me. My left knee will often go stiff or lock a little and ache its a separate issue but today I have this same uncomfortable tenderness and dull ache in both of my knees. Also my ankles, wrists, the back of my neck, and even the individual knuckles in my fingers. It’s not pain full as such just uncomfortable and achy and a little stiff.   The whole mess is infuriating. My body is driving me insane!

I don’t know what to try next to make it better except hoping that it will pass quickly.

Irritation and perhaps frustration are the words of the day.

As Kayak Man would say  …”Ali I just have to tell your HORMONES they are being a BITCH right now.”

*Cries* I can’t help it !

Ali xX

Show and Tell

I’m so excited because my necklace arrived in the post at the beginning of this week.  I ordered it a while back from Smitten Jewelry and was thrilled it made it across the Atlantic in one piece. I got the idea after seeing some infertility awareness necklaces. I don’t really feel I should be wearing one of those as I haven’t been TTC, but I started to think about wearing something similar for PCOS. In the past I’d always been so embarrassed or ashamed of the side effects of my condition that I never really wanted to talk about it, but I don’t really feel that way anymore since I’ve looked more into the condition,  become more informed and realized just how many women PCOS affects.  And so I present to you the necklace

It has a little heart to remind me that its hard to let people close if you don’t love yourself, the PCOS awareness ribbon because I have PCOS and I do think women need to be more aware annnd if you wanna ask questions this lady is gonna answer them from now on (to the best of her ability) and finally the sliver charm with the word strength engraved. I don’t think of myself as a strong woman but I sure aim to become one. Maybe my necklace can be my lucky charm.

Remember to check out what the rest of the class has on display.

Doing as I’m told

Gadget Guy says I have to write, so I’m trying to do just that. Something’s been happening with me.   I’m letting things slide again.  I haven’t done my Wii Fit in a good few days.  I didn’t keep up with my health dairy, even though I promised him I would, which makes me feel like utter crap.  Things are sliding and slipping back to a bad place and I don’t know WHY.

At this precise point in time I can’t even begin to reason why I feel God awful…  like spaced/out of it,  not in my own head, somewhat disconnected. its kind of weird. I’m hovering in this odd place where panic attack,  crying fit,  throwing up and passing out all meet…, with no idea which way I’m gonna go really. what I want to do is go and hide in bed, cuddle up with somebody and feel safe  because I don’t feel safe right now. I feel pretty out of control and quite scared.

So the deal between me and this Gadget Guy friend of mine is that I will try to do what he tells me and he won’t ask too much or tease me or push me too much because he knows I’ll just snap and either cry or scream or run away from him and his help.  I’ve done the first thing he asked me: I’ve got my health diary as up to date as I can, writing everything that’s happened to me over the last 3 days. Now I’m doing the second thing he asked: I’m here… writing… trying to make connections and put into words to my jumbled mess of thoughts.

I started feeling bad tonight about half way through my 2 hour First Aid training session (no, there were no gory pictures or recreated wounds that upset me or grossed me out .. so it’s not that). I got a sharp pain above my left eye and a stinking headache. I lost all focus and stopped really listening to what I was being told. My chest was racing.  It can’t have been too bad because I was still able to respond. I got up and practiced all my bandages and did everything I was asked, but inside I didn’t feel like all of me was present in that room. Apparently I looked miserable, so said the teacher who asked if I was ok. Yeah I’m ok; it’s just a headache and possibly a panic attack. Now when I have panic problems the last thing I need is anyone to draw attention to me, so of course i just said I was ok. I WAS ok coming home which might be due to the fact that I was chatting away to a friend on the phone and not really thinking about what I was doing. I’ve had something to eat. I’ve taken all my meds today… and I just don’t feel good.

In fact, odd things have been going on for a few days now. It kind of started on Monday… well actually early Tuesday morning for me. I was watching this weeks episode of Dancing With the Stars over the interwebs and chatting away with Gadget Guy when suddenly I was hit with the most awful cramping.  I mean bent double moaning. Total surprise. Comes out of nowhere and takes your breath away PAIN. It was intense but didn’t last long at all.  In fact it was over by the time the show finished and all I was left with was a dull ache like that part of my body had been through something. I thought nothing of it. I slept ok and woke up fine.

Woke up fine mmhumm… did not stay that way.  I was an emotional mess yesterday,  in fact I count the damage as 1 emotional meltdown to the point of tears over something stooopidly silly. I’ll tell you about it sometime but it probably merits a post all of its own.  This was before I came online and spent the afternoon getting more and more frustrated to the point of tearing my hair out and throwing a hissy fit in Gadget Guy’s face. Actually I’d say I snapped at him pretty effectively. Let me just explain… we’re those type of friends that are close enough  and know each other well enough that we bicker and tease ALOT… its just how we are. It’s not hurtful or mean. It’s just what we do.  Yeah, admittedly yesterday we spent a large amount of time talking about the few things that cause tension between us and that always makes me (needlessly) nervous and stressed. I mean, if we were gonna fall out over anything, what we were working on yesterday afternoon would probably be it… and I just don’t want to fall out with him. Somewhere in the middle of what we were doing I was hit by a wave of the most awful fatigue. I mean seriously it’s like going from fine to exhausted in less than 60 seconds. It SUCKS. Again, trouble focusing, all over body weakness and so so tired beyond tired. I get over sensitive when this happens.  Repetitive noises bother the hell out of me.  I mean like drive me demented. Must find them and make them STOP NOW  or I may start smashing things. Loud noises are bad. Music is awful… and all that playful teasing we were doing  becomes totally not fun anymore. It feels like it hurts and he’s pushing me. God damn it this guy is SOOOOOOO FRUSTRATING!!!  I had to walk away… HAD TOO. Now let me say it was not his fault. He wasn’t doing anything that is not normal behavior between us and we both were laughing about it, me through gritted teeth admittedly. He wasn’t mean or abusive (pffft Gadget Guy getting abusive LMAO that notion in itself is just so silly it makes me laugh) it was My Problem, hormonal or otherwise. I don’t know.

So cramps Monday… moody, irritable and suddenly exhausted Tuesday… and now this near panic attack, moody… about to throw up/keel over thing tonight.

WHAT the HELL is going on… and HOW do I get it back under control!???

There… I’ve done what my good friend asked of me ….can I go to bed yet?  Without CRYING my eyes out and embarrassing myself if possible!

I feel so broken.

Ali xX

Keeping abrest of the situation

My volunteering application is in the post making its way to the local NHS Trust which would be Wirral University Teaching Hospital also known as  Arrow Park. Fingers crossed I hear something soon. It felt kind of strange asking close friends for references. Makes you feel grown up when you can ask people your own age for a reference and that’s ok. Anyways the friends I used have known me for longer than the required two years and are fully qualified to answer questions on all things Ali. I’m sure they will put a positive spin on things.  Going back to the Red Cross for meeting number 2 tomorrow. I’m still really looking forward to it and that’s a great thing.

I have located the Access to Higher Education course I was after at two local colleges with the help of my job broker who called today… TWICE (already a better track record than his predecessor woohoo).  I have managed to rank them according to preference. My first choice is going to be Liverpool Community College because even though its further away it offers said course as an evening class with home study and I think down the line this will be easier to fit around any job that might come my way (here’s hoping). I was feeling all gung ho and promptly called them for an application form only to find out that the college is closed for the Easter break (Duh yeah colleges and schools do that – has it been that long since I left? I hadn’t even thought – yikes).  I was informed the best way to apply is via the online application form which should be done ASAP. Even after the thing is submitted it takes up to four weeks to hear anything. Hmmm got to love that red tape. With the holiday on top, it’s going to be about 6 weeks or so.  That being said, I didn’t rush off and complete the form today. I’ll take my time and finish over the next couple of days no big rush seen as nobody’s around to look at it.

Boys – you may want to choose now to make a timely exit because this next bit is all about my breasts and not in a fun way. One of my favorite sayings for expressing irritation with a person or object would be to exclaim in a very exasperated way that said item really gets on my tits! (somehow my head reasons that getting on my tits is really bad  1) because I HATE my breasts and drawing attention to them makes my skin crawl before you even touch me and 2) because my tits are small and so can’t take much of your crap!). Lately my tits are really getting on my tits. Its a hormone thing I think ever since my cycle decided to show up again I have awful problems with tingles in my breasts my nipples get hard and actually a little painful sometimes for whole days. Seriously, this blows. I’ve never thought of my bra as a torture device UNTIL NOW. It’s impossible to concentrate when certain body parts have a mind of their own and are hell bent on drawing my attention and keeping it all to themselves. I’ve dubbed this my “TT issue”. So far it’s kept me awake at night and stopped me from holding polite conversation. It’s hard to focus on this when the monologue in my head is says “damn these clothes are impossible. I  HATE my breasts. Sugar has this person noticed that I’m fidgeting because my tits are sooo damn irritating… crap I’m gonna have to readjust… I can’t take it… what is this person talking about… BREASTS tingling… irritating… hot… oh so warm… please help meee… my breasts are going CRAZY!!!”  I’ve been practically ripping garments off before in the private. Of course it’s insane. The only thing that seems to offer some sort of comfort is cold – anything cold. Yup, I’ve run to the bathroom in search of relief from the cold water… I wonder if my friends have ever asked themselves why I hold that newly purchased ice cold coke can so close to my chest.  I hope they haven’t. I have entire fantasies about cold hands…but that’s another story.

While this – let’s face it – slightly comical problem is irritating, it only usually lasts a day or two. In the grand scheme of things it’s not a HUGE problem. So I act like a total mad woman a few days a month. There are a lot of women who can say that. Recently however it’s getting worse. Actually just my left breast is much worse. My right boob is apparently the good twin, but the left… the left is evil. It’s gone way beyond insane tingling. It HURTS and tingles all at the same time. The pain seems deeper in my breast tissue at times. It feels like it extends all the way right into my armpit. What’s more, the TT issue that usually hangs around for 2 days max has been with me all this week. I’m starting to worry… and its driving me demented!

Ali xX

K.S.: I was out in the wonderful sunshine again and this time it was WARM.