It can’t be … OMG it is…




Things I need to do. What I have to change to go from being the mess I am now to the person I used to be – even the person I want to become. Its not gonna be earth shattering.  We’re thinking small baby steps here. Got it? Of course part of the plan is to add more steps as we progress, but you shouldn’t try to run before you can walk – you end up flat on your face and giving up again. So, here goes…

 Roughly speaking the plan can be broken into two main areas: I’m labeling these “Get a Grip” and “Get a Life”.  “Get a Grip” will be reserved for all the things I have to do – you know the things I should have been doing this whole flipping time.  Dare I say maybe this is the stuff that landed me here, mostly to do with the health situation? whereas “Get a Life” will be reserved for the things I want to do – goals I want to achieve, hobbies I’d like to pursue – generally rebuilding my life. Re-injecting the FUN.

“Get a Grip”

  • First and most important, I must ask for help. I don’t understand a lot of this health stuff and I need to. This means actually finish registering with the correct GP.  No more traveling an hour to get to the old surgery because I end up not going. I will write a list of all the issues I need to bring up before I go and I must make sure that they are talked about or further appointments are arranged to deal with my concerns.  I will not feel bad for taking up the doctors’ time anymore.  That’s what they are paid for and I deserve attention just like anyone else who is worried sick about their health (or just sick of course!)  
  • Second, I will commit to my medication.  This means that I will not be ashamed to take anti depressant medication when I need it. I will ask about resuming drug treatment for PCOS. I will actually take my multi vitamin every day and will try adding evening primrose oil hopefully to fight the curse of mood swings. But wait – there’s more… I am going to find out about each drug I’m taking – read about it and make informed choices. I’m fed up of popping pills because someone tells me to. It’s not that I don’t trust doctors but I should know what’s going into my body and why!         
  • Third, I will take responsibility for my diet. Yup, cutting the junk food, adding more veg, cooking for myself more – all these good things.  I will ask for a referral to a dietician and read up on controlling PCOS and depression/anxiety through diet making changes accordingly
  •  Fourth, fitness. Yes, this means the dreaded “E” word: exercise. I’m going to make an effort to find types of exercises that I enjoy and stick to them. I say make an effort, because I’m trying to be realistic and the “E” thing… that’s a big ask for me but I will try
  • Fifth, weight. I want / need / must lose some.  Hopefully 3 & 4 will help with that, but I must try to be realistic with PCOS. It will be tough and I may not see many results. I will try not to get disheartened, focusing instead on being a healthier person. I will state right now that I would only be open to weight loss surgery if and only if it was with a view to some type of fertility treatment and even then as a last resort.    
  • Lastly, (warning guys this may be TMI) I will keep a proper record of my moods, any symptoms, and any bleeding / periods  by writing them down… somewhere… so that I can try to establish if there are any patterns or similarities . I’ve been talking about this for ages with a friend (well really he’s been nagging me… and he’s right).  I will actually set up a health journal.

“Get a Life”

  •  First, I will force myself to get better at keeping in touch with my friends – by calling, emailing, even – shock horror – visiting as finances permit and I will l try to be more open with them about what’s actually going on (wish me luck with this)
  • Second, I will look for a job. I want one – to help with 1 but also because I’m so sick of being out of work and claiming benefit.  I know that times are hard and that I’ve been out of work for 2 years so it will be hard, but I will keep looking.  at the same time, though, I will not take just any job at risk of making myself  ill again trying to avoid one step forward two steps back . I will take small steps, so part time work would probably be better right now
  • Third, I will do more things that I enjoy: taking up my cross stitch again, reading a book each month for pleasure, trying to see a movie at least once a month… maybe even going to the theatre (again money allowing ). I will learn to cook more because I do enjoy it.  I may even try to find a theatre group to become involved in… maybe .
  • Fourth, I will go out everyday, even if it’s just for a short walk.  I will try to pay more attention to the world around me and I will not give up. I will beat the panic attacks for they are “STOOPID”, ANNOYING AND WRONG 
  • Fifth, I will NOT give up on my dream. Ok, the kids thing is kind of out of my hands (rooting for science and technology though :P) Plan B: I’ve always wanted to travel around America and write a book about it. Well, really I’d give my right arm to move there. I can’t see a way for that to happen at the moment, but I won’t give up. In the mean time, I will find out all I can about this country that I love – its culture, history, politics and people – with a particular interest in baseball of course. I will take-on as many fact finding missions to this place of wonder as I can (afford)  
  • Finally, I will teach myself to take better pictures because they hold memories.  

*breathes * 

TA daaa… there it is… my Master Plan. Feel free to comment but be gentle. If you can’t be nice be aware that I am free to ignore you 😛


This is a process ok I will not change overnight. I’m only human. I can’t promise that I will stick to all of it all of the time, but I will try my best and I will not give up!


 Ali xX

Insipire me …

My blog made someone cry!!  Sounds bad I grant you and the fact that this person was at work makes it seem just a little bit worse.

I showed my best friend this “blog”. I wanted to find out if it sounded like, well, me. We’ve been friends since high school and trust me she knows all yes EVERYTHING about me annnnd I’m 100 % sure she’d never tell!  

She cried! Something about sounding like the fearless girl she grew up with who had got lost (see I’m not making this up).

She also said that she’s on this journey with me which I already knew and that I’m the first person that she knows who writes a blog (not sure this qualifies as a proper blog, but still that’s pretty cool). I could tell you what else we talked about, but then I’d have to kill you if she doesn’t get to me first for telling you about her tears! (Sorry.)

She cried because she luvs me. I love you too Caty.  You are always an inspiration.

Going digital.

Day Two of this project of mine and I have to come right out and say it: I FAILED. Uh huh, totally failed to write that master plan I promised you all yesterday. Shame on me BUT failure does not = Quitting. I did not give up on the idea of a master plan. Oh no, not me, ‘cause that would mean I flaked out after 1 day… 24 hours. Are you kidding me? I’m stronger than that. Anyways, this failure has much more to do with “stoopid” than giving in. You see, some months ago I wrote a short plan. A first draft if you will.  So, when it came to writing the plan for you all today I naturally wanted to refer back to this list of ideas. Here’s where the dumb shows up: you see *I* thought I had saved this article somewhere online and thus spent the day sulking that i couldn’t get to it because my net service was down…when actually it was on my desktop the whole time! D’oh! Yeah, I feel silly. Yup, I should have checked. Point taken.

Which leads me to another thing:  today I/we changed our ISP. Uh huh, we decided to do something. Made a choice and set it up all in one day.  To be honest, our provider has been a pain in the proverbial ass for a while. Service sucks and the router they supplied us with randomly stops broadcasting wireless signal for whole days. This is not acceptable in a house shared by two HEAVY internet users, one of whom is in the final few months of a software degree (I wish I could say that was me, but no.) Anyway, you know what? If I am not allowing myself to give up randomly anymore, I will damn well expect the same from my router, thank you very much! 😛  So,  new provider it is – which has me real excited! because……. DIGITAL TV is coming to my home! *dances* We’re finally moving on from the dark ages of 4 channel (5 on a good day) terrestrial TV service. It’s the dawning of a new age! Let there be light! 100 channels and countless reasons to actually watch my TV.

My day was spent curled up reading, successfully avoiding the temptations of  junk food… and trying to convince myself I like porridge without much luck. 

Why, you ask?

Wait for the plan I tells ya… and all will become clear…

Ali xX

Plan on hold for a penny

"See a penny, pick it up and all day long you'll have good luck"

"See a penny, pick it up and all day long you'll have good luck"

I’m not really one for superstitions, but for some reason this lucky penny thing has been with me since I was small. Finding them makes me smile. It’s a little lift similar to that I feel when the bus is waiting for me as I get to the stop or I discover a favorite episode of some show while channel flicking.  It’s nothing particularly special, just a little feeling that things are going your way.  I have been known drop the occasional penny in the hopes that someone who needs a little luck might find it. I don’t always pick them up either thinking that sometimes I’m ok and someone else can have the charm, but today as I was coming out of a crowded building on the first day of my quest to quit quitting I saw this one shining on the floor and had to have it.

I’m sharing my luck with you – isn’t it pretty 😛

I’m too aware that for all my Gung Ho attitude yesterday, I need to actually formulate a plan of action in order to keep this thing alive.  It’s all too easy to slide into the foggy black haze of depression routinely doing nothing. I got up today fully intending to sit down and write it so that I could show you this marvelous thing and receive my gold star for effort. Honestly I was going to, but instead I went out and not because I had to either.

I know to those of you out there with normal lives this is no big deal, but my life has not been normal.  I’ve been lucky if I leave the house once every three weeks, and usually then it’s for some appointment.  I don’t like outside.  It’s scary, it’s loud, it’s crowded… and it can lead to confusion disorientation and worst of all: PANIC. Shaking. Chest crushing. Can’t breathe. The world is going to end panic attacks.

Today: screw panic. I went out ALL DAY.  I’m so glad I did for all these reasons:

1. I have my lucky penny

2. I would have missed out of giggling my ass off at some old fella driving the unmistakable yellow of a NY cab around the streets of Liverpool

3. I wouldn’t have tried a burrito bowl for the very first time and so I wouldn’t know that I want to eat so many more!

4. The sun was shining

5. It gave me something to write about

But most of all, and this is the best bit…

6. I felt normal


And so the master plan has to wait till tomorrow …and I feel great.

Ali xX

Enough already !

Hay! It’s Pancake Day! Or Fat Tuesday/Mardi Gras depending on where you are in the world. Me – I’ll be looking forward to pancakes later on with a smug look on my face after Jon’s shock admission this morning that “American style pancakes are BETTER.” I was waiting for the inevitable “but” that usually follows (you know, the part where he says they are unhealthy or they have some heinous ingredient that will make your eyes fall out or your limbs turn green or some such) BUT it never came! I’m totally loving the fact that the USA seems to be growing on him – even if it just proves to me that a way to a man’s really is through his stomach, so I had better get some cooking classes in if I don’t want to die alone.

Pancakefest aside, this time of year always gets me thinking. I like to try and give up something for Lent. I’m not sure that it really has to do with reverent respect for the time that Jesus spent in the desert.  After all, I have a very uneasy relationship with him upstairs.  It’s hard for someone who never really out grew the “WHY??” stage of childhood to accept that somebody or something has some master plan for me and the world. The “I’m supposed to just accept without demanding an explanation”, especially when we’re not exactly seeing eye to eye about some of the choices for me. Seriously. From my angle he’s being a jerk and needs to have a word with himself unless there’s a lottery win around the corner of course (for that I’d have to actually buy a ticket).  Regardless, I think giving up something you love or maybe something your feel like your can’t live without is good for my mind as well as possibly my soul. While I have one eye on the religious reasons to do this, to me its also the challenge of trying to confirm that if I put my mind to something  I can achieve, and its good to think about those people in the world who have less and possibly cope better .

So… what should I give up this year? At this point my brain lists a number of things that I’m on the verge of actual addiction to. You know: chocolate, bacon, bubble bath… buying shoes… I did try that chocolate thing last year. My friends will tell you it was an EPIC FAILURE… so, this year, I’m gonna do something a bit different…

I’m giving up… giving up. Throwing in the towel. Quitting.

Yes, dear reader. Over the past few years, somewhere, I turned into a quitter. Actually, I can tell you exactly when this happened to me: Summer 2006. I was diagnosed with PCOS and told that I can’t have children. Devastating in itself for me. It felt like the final straw. I mean, this is not the only thing on my list of medical issues. I was already trying to wrap my head around an abusive relationship that slowly warped and deformed my world, stealing my self esteem in the bargain while I was looking backwards trying to knock myself back into shape and fix the insecurities and hang ups of my past. In 2006 something snuck in and stole my future.

I fell apart. I’m not proud. 

I sank into depression. I didn’t care. I couldn’t see the point. I gave up fighting.

Now we are in February 2009 and I’m ready to say “enough!” (Better late than never, right?)  For almost the past 3 years – with a few exceptions – I’ve been existing. Not living. I’ve been letting PCOS just happen to me. Time just passes, and I go on…

This is my line in the sand. My time to wake up and smell the coffee. I’m writing myself a “cease and desist” letter. Giving myself and ultimatum. YES, I’m creating my own intervention.


Feel free to come along for the ride.

Ali xX