Hay! It’s Pancake Day! Or Fat Tuesday/Mardi Gras depending on where you are in the world. Me – I’ll be looking forward to pancakes later on with a smug look on my face after Jon’s shock admission this morning that “American style pancakes are BETTER.” I was waiting for the inevitable “but” that usually follows (you know, the part where he says they are unhealthy or they have some heinous ingredient that will make your eyes fall out or your limbs turn green or some such) BUT it never came! I’m totally loving the fact that the USA seems to be growing on him – even if it just proves to me that a way to a man’s really is through his stomach, so I had better get some cooking classes in if I don’t want to die alone.
Pancakefest aside, this time of year always gets me thinking. I like to try and give up something for Lent. I’m not sure that it really has to do with reverent respect for the time that Jesus spent in the desert. After all, I have a very uneasy relationship with him upstairs. It’s hard for someone who never really out grew the “WHY??” stage of childhood to accept that somebody or something has some master plan for me and the world. The “I’m supposed to just accept without demanding an explanation”, especially when we’re not exactly seeing eye to eye about some of the choices for me. Seriously. From my angle he’s being a jerk and needs to have a word with himself unless there’s a lottery win around the corner of course (for that I’d have to actually buy a ticket). Regardless, I think giving up something you love or maybe something your feel like your can’t live without is good for my mind as well as possibly my soul. While I have one eye on the religious reasons to do this, to me its also the challenge of trying to confirm that if I put my mind to something I can achieve, and its good to think about those people in the world who have less and possibly cope better .
So… what should I give up this year? At this point my brain lists a number of things that I’m on the verge of actual addiction to. You know: chocolate, bacon, bubble bath… buying shoes… I did try that chocolate thing last year. My friends will tell you it was an EPIC FAILURE… so, this year, I’m gonna do something a bit different…
I’m giving up… giving up. Throwing in the towel. Quitting.
Yes, dear reader. Over the past few years, somewhere, I turned into a quitter. Actually, I can tell you exactly when this happened to me: Summer 2006. I was diagnosed with PCOS and told that I can’t have children. Devastating in itself for me. It felt like the final straw. I mean, this is not the only thing on my list of medical issues. I was already trying to wrap my head around an abusive relationship that slowly warped and deformed my world, stealing my self esteem in the bargain while I was looking backwards trying to knock myself back into shape and fix the insecurities and hang ups of my past. In 2006 something snuck in and stole my future.
I fell apart. I’m not proud.
I sank into depression. I didn’t care. I couldn’t see the point. I gave up fighting.
Now we are in February 2009 and I’m ready to say “enough!” (Better late than never, right?) For almost the past 3 years – with a few exceptions – I’ve been existing. Not living. I’ve been letting PCOS just happen to me. Time just passes, and I go on…
This is my line in the sand. My time to wake up and smell the coffee. I’m writing myself a “cease and desist” letter. Giving myself and ultimatum. YES, I’m creating my own intervention.
Feel free to come along for the ride.