Imagine my surprise this morning when I loaded up this thing and found that someone out there had actually read it. Not someone I passed the link to. Not even a friend – a complete stranger actually read what I have to say and felt proud of me! Yes, me. WOW. I felt all warm inside. Very few people have ever felt proud of me or at least not so much that they actually said so! I feel even more determined to stick to this little plan of mine (actually in terms of my life it’s quite a big plan). It was an inspiration and should really have had an “inspire me…” post all of its own… except that I’m nosy I figured if she spent the time to read what I had to say the least I could do was return the favor… and that’s how I ended up at Maura Leon’s website. She’s a life coach who just started blogging. It made me giggle that she had read my plan. To be honest, not in a bad way. It’s just I guess that’s what I’m trying to do here – be my own life coach.
Anyway, I did mention this for a reason – other than to thank her for popping over. You see, while I was at her site I came across her post about self parenting. You can read it for yourself here. Basically the gist is as a child we have feelings to be validated and needs to be met. In my opinion it is the responsibility of our parents to take care of both. Regardless of how well or not they performed their duty, sometimes we get past blaming them or even ourselves for the way we are which achieves nothing except to keep you stuck seeking approval / validation of your feelings and fulfillment of your needs from others around you – friends, relatives or authority figures for example. at the very same time we wind up feeling resentful towards these people because we never feel like we are good enough when actually what we have to realize is that when we become adults the responsibility for both should become our own. It’s up to us then to stand up and take control of our lives regardless of the past. We need to learn to make the best of the cards we have been dealt.
There are so many reasons that this strikes a cord with me in terms of feelings and needs. I guess my mum scores a “could do better”. We’re not close, but the real problem here is my father. Let’s just say he was a destructive force in my life. We’ll not go into the why. Point is I’ve been blaming him for years. I’m angry (this is an understatement) with him. I feel betrayed YET I still care about him. I haven’t seen him in years. Sadly, he has had several strokes and lives in care far from me but I think about him often. I hate. – HATE – the fact that I will never get to have the conversation with him. You know the one where I make him understand what effect his choices have had on me. Where he says sorry and we have peace. (I don’t know that this conversation would have happened even if he was well, but you know girls dream)
I am absolutely stuck seeking the approval of others – anyone, really. I want someone to tell me I’m a good person, that I’m not worthless. I want people to notice me and care. I want to make a difference to others. I realize now I really have to work on this. This little girl will have to find her own peace without her daddy’s help. He’s had his chance to give it to me.
Whoa, this is gonna be harder even than I thought and I already reckoned it seemed pretty damn hard.
Repeat the mantra with me…. “I will not give up… I will not give in… I’m going to sparkle.” OK, I can see you’re confused by the sparkle thing. I like sparkly things. They’re pretty. In my life I don’t need to be a star. I don’t want to eclipse anyone else. I just want to be a sparkly precious gem. Does that make ANY sense? It does to me anyway.
In other news… I was out today taking pictures. That’s me by the phone box. *blushes* You can see the rest of my pictures on my Flickr page here. I’ve been having problems holding the camera still. You can see the movement issue in several of these images… I’ve already discussed this with my photo mad friend and he’s given me some hints and tips to try more on this later perhaps I’ll take some more tomorrow.
I might be going away this weekend. I’m nervous but it should be fun.
I’ve made some changes to my diet already too. We need to talk about this tomorrow OK?
One last thing … I’ve decided that I should try to think of one thing each day that made me smile. It can be something really simple. I’ll be adding them to the end of my posts sort of like a P.S note except that mine are “keep smiling” notes. Mmhumm. a K.S. note lol
Today’s K.S.: It didn’t rain while I was taking pictures ( its that simple!)