Lost… alone… overwhelmed… feeling like I could break down in tears at any moment. I’m weak today. Sometimes I have days like this when the world seems so big, impersonal and unfair. I feel invisible even when people are around me, like I can’t connect with them somehow, as if there’s an invisible barrier between me and them like a comic book force field or a pain of glass. I can see the world I know. It was sunny today. I heard the bird song through the open window. I even went out, even if it wasn’t to the beach like originally planned. Nothing particularly bad happened. There was no catastrophic event. No panic attack. I ate all my meals and I slept just fine last night.
So, why do I feel so numb… why did I come home intending to tidy the bomb site I now call my home and find myself completely unable to act – not knowing where to begin. time just passing…
PCOS makes me tired. The list of problems and challenges feels so big that some days I can’t see the point. I often think what I would give for one day off, one day without having to worry. if people can notice the stubble yet or face the automatic assumption that I’m lazy and I don’t care or that I must be killing myself with junk food when nobodies looking just because I’m overweight if one more person tells me (hmm you’ve gained a little or thinks its ok to poke my stomach ‘cause they’re just “playing” I’m not sure if I’ll collapse in a heap or scream blue murder). I wonder what it would be like to watch kids paying in the park or a mum with a new baby and smile… without the twisting feeling inside. The pang of envy that comes from knowing that nobody will ever laugh watching me with my child. I want to feel happy for them, to giggle at a toddlers never ending curiosity, to hear parents stories of sleepless nights, nappy changes, temper tantrums, even morning sickness, swollen ankles and labour… take for granted that one day I can share my stories too. It’s only been a couple of years since I was this way, but it feels like a lifetime ago. Now every memory is tainted and leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I fear that its quietly destroying my soul making me a bitter and jealous person that I don’t want to be.
I’m 26 for goodness sake. I should be out there enjoying life – partying, traveling, and going on crazy adventures. Ok maybe just holding down a job and trying to make a home for myself with the occasional dash of excitement. Instead I already feel like I’m running out of time… it seems so difficult to make anyone understand I’m infertile. It’s just a fact to them. They feel sorry, they say things like well maybe IVF, maybe adoption… or that its awful unjust… and even what a good mother I would have made and they move on. Why can’t I move on? I feel like I have a gaping hole inside me that will never be fixed or filled and the prospect of papering over the cracks for the rest of my life is just unbearable. Is it crazy that I sometimes wish I had some horrific injury, some scar or cut or piece of me missing just some physical representation of the hurt the sadness that is always with me… would being able to see make it easier for others to understand ?
I’m not TTC. I’m not even in a relationship where we’re thinking about it… but how do I face telling a future partner that being with me means giving up being a dad? How can I expect someone to choose me over that?
This is the underlying issue for me next to this loss of a dream. Sometimes everything seems so trivial… extra hair is awful, it’s embarrassing and my weight makes me feel ashamed. The list of nasties that we’re at extra risk of is as long as my arm and none of them are pleasant or easy to deal with. The period pains bring me to my knees and when I don’t get them I FEEL WORSE. I don’t really feel like a woman – feminine or pretty are words that are used for other people unless you’re trying to make me laugh or taking the piss. As for sexy… don’t even !
But I’m sure I could cope with all this… if only I could see the words “I love you mommy” somewhere in my future…
Hell… what am I talking about … I cope… I have no choice… and I don’t feel this way everyday. I’m not always thinking about it… I laugh, I smile, I have fun and I enjoy things just like everybody else.
But then there are days like this… alone, overwhelmed. I just want someone to hold me. I want to let go and cry again but somehow tears don’t come to stop my thoughts from racing. maybe I’d feel a little calmer so I can remind myself that I’ll never find a new purpose for my life if I stop looking .
I tried to call a few people but for one reason or another tonight they were all busy with their own lives… not that I begrudge them that one bit. The world does not come to a grinding halt ‘cause I’m having a bad day thank God because nothing would get done around here.
K.S.: things can only get better…