Missing : “ZZZ’s”

I didn’t sleep last night… in fact I didn’t sleep at all today so everything I tell you is coming from the brain of a woman surrounded by the fog of not being able to think straight because her internal monologue is stuck on I need sleep… must sleep… why can’t I sleep… with various shades of groaning in-between. I have known the difference between “tired” and “sleepy” since my teens and I can assure you it’s perfectly possible to be completely wiped out, exhausted, knackered, and yet sleepiness seems miles away….as if the very act of my head touching the pillow sets off the alarm clock in my brain – WAKE UP !!!  Suddenly I’m thinking about anything and everything. I’d love to be more specific here but my thoughts race, jumping from subject to subject faster than your average speed dater while my brain seems to be running behind like the chick wobbling in high heels desperately trying to catch the bus. Thoughts are half formed, images not quite there, pieces missing.  This is not logical thought…and all it ever leads to is me tangled in the sheets from all the tossing and turning wondering WHYY  I’m still awake when  the rest of the world apparently has this sleep thing down. Even the shadows on my walls don’t move. I know. I’ve watched them for long enough.

The insomnia thing has been getting better. I do sleep most days now, anywhere between 3 and 8 hours… which is a vast improvement on where I was a year ago when I could go without sleeping three whole days regularly. After three days, just talking is a struggle and your brain makes you believe some VERY strange things, I’ve had actual fights with people before I realize the conversation I think we had was IN MY HEAD!  It feels so real to me, so vivid, I’ll swear to you it actually happened till I’m blue in the face.

Sleeping more now is a great thing! But… somehow its like my body has readjusted and whereas before I could go without for 24 hours and not bat and eyelid, today I’m totally crashing.  My brain is stalling and thoughts just don’t go together.  They all seem to be bouncing of this wall graffiti’ed with the words GO TO SLEEP in letters 6 foot high!

As a result of this, I actually achieved very little today. I did not progress with the clear out, I did not take the photo’s I said I would be posting today (coming soon honest) and I failed to get in touch with the job center today too though this wasn’t for lack of trying.  Expecting a call back tomorrow, fingers crossed .

I do have a couple of shining specks of good news in all this gloom… I have managed to actually get hold of the registration papers for my new doctor.  I actually filled them out too, ready to go back tomorrow, appointment to follow. I’m so pleased to have movement on the doctor issue even if it is just a small step. Also managed to register with an NHS dentist today – yes they DO exist and I got one. Yaaay!  Have my first appointment April 17th but let’s not think about that now otherwise I’ll be a shaking wreck.  Not sleeping again tonight. I guess that’s another of my cliché’s. I HATE the dentist and seen as we have been unable to find NHS service; my budget had a hissy fit and imploded at the mere thought of going private. I haven’t seen one in over a year so you just know this is going to be painful. Anyone wanna come hold my hand  ……..no?

I have resolved… if I don’t sleep tonight I will refuse to stare at the walls, going quietly mad tomorrow and instead I will attempt to bore myself to dreamland  by researching tips on how to get a good nights worth of zzz’s,..  Any tips or suggestions most welcome.

Ali xX

K.S.: I’m a step closer tonight to getting some of my medical questions answered.

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