I didn’t say it was your fault ..I said I was going to blame you.

Frustration was my word of the day.   it all started last night. well actually in the early hours of this morning…

I have a really close friend I’ve mentioned him as M before and you can read about our meeting here but I think I have to change his name. From now on we’ll call him Gadget Guy, OK? Because, seriously – gadgets are his thing.  He reads so many blogs its insane and he’s always coming up with odd things to show me or bits of software that just somehow makes life a little easier… he’s my tech friend… No, Blogging Guru (yeah he’s the one that transcribes all this stuff)… aww hell… we talk about anything.   For example, just yesterday our conversation ranged from cake wrecks to the shuttle docking at the international space station, passing through John Mayer’s Twitter and LED lights on sheep!

Gadget Guy can always make me laugh… usually at myself and he’s incredibly gifted in that he can poke fun at me, tease, lecture, and often outright nag me and all this while never being disrespectful or talking down to me, so that its IMPOSSIBLE to stay mad at him. I’ve tried – really I have, but whenever I have the urge to throw things at him somehow he holds up a mirror and I realize just how crazy  or unreasonable…or hormonal  I’m being… often all of the above it has to be said.

Now, before you get things all twisted up and start clapping your hands with glee that I’m sharing the details of some new crush with you, let’s get things straight… Gadget Guy is married to a lady even funnier than he is who has strength of character I can only aspire too annnd she can cook too so I’m told!  They are BOTH role models for me… it just so happens I talk to him more often so knock that  Ali’s getting giddy thing on the head RIGHT NOW… and think Family… not parents exactly…  more like the cool aunt and uncle you actually tell things too ..  Have we got that straight… good 🙂

Gadget Guy is OLD ,wise… aherm… older than me. He’s more organized. He’s calmer… like defiantly taking chill pills or something. He see’s the big picture  and he has a zest for life/ knowledge that many half his age seem to have lost. I actually think his brain is MUCH younger than his body. He agrees growing old is mandatory. .growing up is optional after all 😛 So far no scientific study has proved our theory.  Nooooooo I’m not claiming to have found a perfect person LOL but there’s a lot I could learn from him.  If I tried to pick out what all of those things potentially might be well I’d still be writing this post tomorrow and nobody needs THAT much ego stroking 😛

Suffice it to say I have no idea why this guy chooses to stick around and support / help me, but he does and I’m grateful.  I think both our lives would be easier if I just accepted his help an stopped asking HOW COME?

Recently though I’ve been having issues.  I’ve gotten more awkward around people. Things don’t seem as natural as they did before. I feel like I’m forcing relationships, bugging people. I’ve started apologizing for every little thing. I just don’t feel right. I worry that my friendships – all of them – are falling apart (paranoid much?) and I’m so scared to lose them I just feel awkward about being me. Its easy when this kind of thing happened to blame the other people; to think that somehow their wishes, their feelings have changed. That they are pulling away or being around you out of obligation rather than desire… that somehow they are withholding something or not being honest.

That’s what I was worrying… panicking… stressing about last night . i’ve told you before that i do not deal well with stress  so rather than getting another nights sleep .. I was throwing up I got myself into such a mess that chances of sleep just went out the window and I was just happy I managed to get the room to stop spinning.

I’m learning that the simple fact of the matter is in my case this crap is all in my head and stems from my own issues. The only person who needs to change for this to be fixed for me to feel better and more secure is ME. I have to work this stuff out  and the only way to do that is to stop looking outwards and assigning blame  and instead look inwards, figure out what’s going wrong and how I can change it.  I know this stuff is all in my head now… I just wish there would be less of the crap and that my brain would not be so utterly convinced that its true… It’s like emotional gunk. I need a drain or something to tap this stuff off (like the gross analogy, hmm?)  It’s really hard to make a rational reasonable judgment when you can’t see things correctly because there’s slime all over everything.

Any ideas for Brain Spring Cleaning…?   From now on I’m going to stop myself before claiming some wrong doing by another party and work on blaming others less and fixing myself  a bit more  which according to Gadget Guy is a “commendable decision”.

The best thing he said all day has to be his answer when I said I actually feel like he believes I can fix this

“I TRULY BELIEVE that you can dear… maybe with a little help and support… but I BELIEVE that you can”

So now I’m not sure whether to make belief or friendship my word for the day…

Ali xX

K.S. I had a 40 minute phone conversation with mum today that I came away feeling good about…

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