I finally got myself organized and out into the sunshine today to take my registration forms back to the new surgery, so I now OFFICIALLY have a new doctor (at least I will when the Practice Manager comes back from holiday and puts my details on system,. but I have faith. Part of my new positive thinking drive). So, don’t let me forget I need to call and make my first actual appointment on Wednesday morning around 8am … 8am?!! Some nights I’m just crawling INTO bed at 8am… so far I’m feeling good about the change. It looks like I might be able to get counseling and dietician appointments at the same place, both things that are on my list of actions I think I need to take to get on top of the health situation and stay there! (The list… that I actually have to write down ON PAPER before Wednesday with a list of questions /concerns too!) Yes, I may actually be doing more preparation for this appointment than some of the exams I have taken in my life. It may seem crazy, but I’m trying this new approach as a “head fake”. You know, a way to convince my brain that I am confident, I know what I need and I can admit what I don’t understand NOT… NOPE… NOT at all worrying myself silly about talking to a doctor I don’t know and telling them all this stuff that I really don’t WANT to share. My brain is not convinced yet… must write list .. MUST write list!
I’ve been offered counseling before but it’s never really worked out for me. I find the idea that I’m expected to open up to someone I just met frankly quite laughable… (As you can see from the slightly neurotic nature of the above paragraph). Truthfully they would probably gain more insight from reading this silly thing than physically talking to me. Previous attempts have been epic failures where either we’ve sat in awkward silence the whole time twiddling our thumbs as I proceed to read every single information poster, picture, even the titles of books on a book shelf, just to avoid eye contact while trying to use the power of my mind to make the phone RING so they can talk to someone else OR the opposite approach – I give my standard reply “I’m ok” followed by “no, really, I’m fine.” I go off yakking about something totally random… we end up laughing and… and they wind up agreeing with me “you’re fine!” we shake hands… smiles… have a nice life and I never have to go back into that awkward uncomfortable place where someone might actually see me FAILING to deal with stuff and call me out on it again…YAAAY !!!
*head -> desk* Have I told you that I majored in drama? ACTING…its WHAT I DO! I’m really good at faking it… really good at plastering on a smile when I need to… putting on a mask… not revealing anything… showing you the side of me that IS OK… and if you don’t know me well enough, like, for example, if we just met that afternoon – my experience is you won’t pick up on it, unless of course your reading this and I just told you. If you are, let me tell you something else: there’s this whole other side of me that’s not coping, and if you bought my performance, that part of me is laughing at you and I’m not make any progress.
Speaking of tangents… I had this really nuts dream last night. I went into space on a school trip to some settlement that looked like a cross between a dive bar in Star Wars and a motorway service station. I was struggling to breathe and dying of heat, searching the gift shop for the “I’ve been to Saturn” fridge magnet without success. My subconscious obviously liked something about that Shuttle / Space Station discussion I was having with Gadget Guy… analyze that… on second thought – don’t 😛
So, yeah, decided to give counseling one final chance and this time I will actively TRY to disable my own defense mechanisms. I don’t hold out much hope but at least I will have given it a shot.
As for the dietician, well I need to get this diet / exercise thing going but there seems so much to consider with trying to manage PCOS, depression… and lose weight. I think I need professional help and guidance.
Enough of that for now. On to some reading I’ve been doing lately about the benefits of acupuncture treatment for PCOS. Now given that I am deathly afraid of needles in a eeek eeek eeeek…OMG I can’t look! Hide my face in my hands and squeal like a 5 year old kind of way. I cannot believe I’m actually considering this, but I’m so desperate for improvement, I’ll try anything. Still more reading is needed because a large portion of my mind is still saying “you mean needles… SEVERAL of them… YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!”
While I was doing this research today, I found a couple of links may prove useful:
The first is the link to the UK patient support group Verity. I still haven’t made the final decision to join yet, but they seem to have support groups set up in a few areas around the UK as well as holding a few national events open to all members. Their nest event is on 28th of March in Birmingham titled “PCOS Emotions Workshop 2009”
I even have this speck of an idea that if there’s not a support group in my area, I should go ahead and start one. On the other hand it could be that the boy I live with and his passion for wild / crazy / hair brained schemes is rubbing of on me.
Are any of you already members, if so has it been helpful / worthwhile?
The second link was a site I found selling supplements related to PCOS. It’s well organized; all the products are listed under the specific symptoms they are thought to help. It’s called PCOS Online. To be honest I find the amount of possible supplements a bit daunting. I’m only just starting out my research and I think I’ll consult my doctor before going on a shopping spree, lest I do some harm with a toxic combination or something, but if you’re searching for something specific it may be worth a look.
I feel like I’m only seeing the tip of a huuuge iceberg of information out there. There’s so much more to read, consider… BUT it feels so good to be doing something. I actually feel like I’m learning about myself mentally and physically. I just have to accept that it’s not just my personality that makes me high maintenance. My body is that way too.
K.S. I’m not alone .. and there’s help out there !