Doing as I’m told

Gadget Guy says I have to write, so I’m trying to do just that. Something’s been happening with me.   I’m letting things slide again.  I haven’t done my Wii Fit in a good few days.  I didn’t keep up with my health dairy, even though I promised him I would, which makes me feel like utter crap.  Things are sliding and slipping back to a bad place and I don’t know WHY.

At this precise point in time I can’t even begin to reason why I feel God awful…  like spaced/out of it,  not in my own head, somewhat disconnected. its kind of weird. I’m hovering in this odd place where panic attack,  crying fit,  throwing up and passing out all meet…, with no idea which way I’m gonna go really. what I want to do is go and hide in bed, cuddle up with somebody and feel safe  because I don’t feel safe right now. I feel pretty out of control and quite scared.

So the deal between me and this Gadget Guy friend of mine is that I will try to do what he tells me and he won’t ask too much or tease me or push me too much because he knows I’ll just snap and either cry or scream or run away from him and his help.  I’ve done the first thing he asked me: I’ve got my health diary as up to date as I can, writing everything that’s happened to me over the last 3 days. Now I’m doing the second thing he asked: I’m here… writing… trying to make connections and put into words to my jumbled mess of thoughts.

I started feeling bad tonight about half way through my 2 hour First Aid training session (no, there were no gory pictures or recreated wounds that upset me or grossed me out .. so it’s not that). I got a sharp pain above my left eye and a stinking headache. I lost all focus and stopped really listening to what I was being told. My chest was racing.  It can’t have been too bad because I was still able to respond. I got up and practiced all my bandages and did everything I was asked, but inside I didn’t feel like all of me was present in that room. Apparently I looked miserable, so said the teacher who asked if I was ok. Yeah I’m ok; it’s just a headache and possibly a panic attack. Now when I have panic problems the last thing I need is anyone to draw attention to me, so of course i just said I was ok. I WAS ok coming home which might be due to the fact that I was chatting away to a friend on the phone and not really thinking about what I was doing. I’ve had something to eat. I’ve taken all my meds today… and I just don’t feel good.

In fact, odd things have been going on for a few days now. It kind of started on Monday… well actually early Tuesday morning for me. I was watching this weeks episode of Dancing With the Stars over the interwebs and chatting away with Gadget Guy when suddenly I was hit with the most awful cramping.  I mean bent double moaning. Total surprise. Comes out of nowhere and takes your breath away PAIN. It was intense but didn’t last long at all.  In fact it was over by the time the show finished and all I was left with was a dull ache like that part of my body had been through something. I thought nothing of it. I slept ok and woke up fine.

Woke up fine mmhumm… did not stay that way.  I was an emotional mess yesterday,  in fact I count the damage as 1 emotional meltdown to the point of tears over something stooopidly silly. I’ll tell you about it sometime but it probably merits a post all of its own.  This was before I came online and spent the afternoon getting more and more frustrated to the point of tearing my hair out and throwing a hissy fit in Gadget Guy’s face. Actually I’d say I snapped at him pretty effectively. Let me just explain… we’re those type of friends that are close enough  and know each other well enough that we bicker and tease ALOT… its just how we are. It’s not hurtful or mean. It’s just what we do.  Yeah, admittedly yesterday we spent a large amount of time talking about the few things that cause tension between us and that always makes me (needlessly) nervous and stressed. I mean, if we were gonna fall out over anything, what we were working on yesterday afternoon would probably be it… and I just don’t want to fall out with him. Somewhere in the middle of what we were doing I was hit by a wave of the most awful fatigue. I mean seriously it’s like going from fine to exhausted in less than 60 seconds. It SUCKS. Again, trouble focusing, all over body weakness and so so tired beyond tired. I get over sensitive when this happens.  Repetitive noises bother the hell out of me.  I mean like drive me demented. Must find them and make them STOP NOW  or I may start smashing things. Loud noises are bad. Music is awful… and all that playful teasing we were doing  becomes totally not fun anymore. It feels like it hurts and he’s pushing me. God damn it this guy is SOOOOOOO FRUSTRATING!!!  I had to walk away… HAD TOO. Now let me say it was not his fault. He wasn’t doing anything that is not normal behavior between us and we both were laughing about it, me through gritted teeth admittedly. He wasn’t mean or abusive (pffft Gadget Guy getting abusive LMAO that notion in itself is just so silly it makes me laugh) it was My Problem, hormonal or otherwise. I don’t know.

So cramps Monday… moody, irritable and suddenly exhausted Tuesday… and now this near panic attack, moody… about to throw up/keel over thing tonight.

WHAT the HELL is going on… and HOW do I get it back under control!???

There… I’ve done what my good friend asked of me ….can I go to bed yet?  Without CRYING my eyes out and embarrassing myself if possible!

I feel so broken.

Ali xX

65 Questions You’ve Probably Never Been Asked Before.

I saw this over at This Could Be Anyone’s Story and floating around a few other places I can’t recall. Sorry, I’m sleepy. Here goes:

1. First thing you wash in the shower? Hmmm… My face and neck. I always let the hot water run down my back for a looong time first.

2.
What colour is your favourite hoodie? You know… I don’t actually OWN a hoodie.  I guess I steal Kayak Man’s sometimes.  It’s gray.

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Whooo YEAH!

4. Do you plan outfits? … Depends… where are you taking me?

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? Frustrated and TIRED.

6. What’s the closest thing to you that’s red? The label on a coke bottle

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? aherm … no.  I can’t share that  *blushes* I had fun when I woke up though 😀

8. Did you meet anybody new today? Nope. I was at home all day.

9. What are you craving right now? hugs, cuddles, kisses, relaxation, sleep and Hershey’s Kisses (demanding ain’t I ? :P)

10. Do you floss? Not enough

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? The baby Cabbage Patch doll I had when I was small.

12. Are you emotional? No I’m cool calm and collected ALWAYS… I never cry, scream, squeal, jump for joy, lose my temper or turn to mush at the sight of small babies or cute fluffy animals… I never throw cushions at the TV out of frustration; I have never locked myself in a bathroom and refused to come out. I’ve never drank way too much because I was hurt and I certainly DID NOT  cry at the Sex In The City movie  because it made me feel childless and lonely… understood ?!  I AM NOT OVER EMOTIONAL!

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000? lol nope I’d get distracted or lose count before I got that far. I might make 100

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? Lick it baby

15. Do you like your hair? Hmmm … I like the color.  I have thick hair so I like that but I’m style clueless. I HATE that.

16. Do you like yourself? No not really. I think I’m a bit selfish, a tad cynical, kind of bitter, moody, ahem….there’s the emotional thing (painting a great picture ain’t I ?)

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? o.k. You want the long answer or the short one … briefly: we could go out but I think he’d put me off my food. The longer version: he’s been a world leader through some interesting and world altering events. Of course I would talk to him. I try to see things from other people’s point of view as much as possible and I’m telling you I ain’t gonna see his without A LOT of explanation, so I’d give him that chance… HOWEVER, I find the man so hard to listen to. I mean I get like 5 maybe 10 minutes in and my brain just switches off even if I want to listen. I have to concentrate EXTRA HARD.  I think it’s a self preservation thing. I just don’t understand the man. I doubt he could change that over dinner.
18. What are you listening to right now? Kayak Man has the TV on downstairs. I’m too tired for loud noises.

19. Are your parents strict? ummm…. let’s not talk about my parents here ok ? I was at boarding school at the age of 13 that was kind of regimented. We called our headmaster “warden” and were about 30 minutes from the nearest town. No I’m not kidding.
20. Would you go sky diving? OH GOD YES!!  And I’m scared of heights too. lol uh huh adrenaline junkie much.

21. Do you like cottage cheese? It’s one of those good for you things I really WISH I liked, but I just don’t.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity? Tony Robinson of Time Team/Blackadder fame… if that counts?

23. Do you rent movies often? Never.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in? ooo sparkly… Umm…my rings are shiny sparkly ❤ them

25. How many countries have you visited? Hmmm… I’ve lived in 5…visited more like 13.  I got the travel bug BAD.  Unfortunately I’ve been kind of stagnated by budget and health these last few years. This really bothers me.

26. Have you made a prank phone call?
Actually no.

27. Ever been on a train? Of course.

28. Brown or white eggs? I don’t mind but I want them scrambled… YUM!

29. Do you have a cell-phone? Yup I do but I’m longing for an upgrade. Ask me where it is… that would be a real challenging question.

30. Do you use Chap Stick? Oh so much… love them.

31. Do you own a gun? No. I’m a terrible shot.

32. Can you use chop sticks? Hahaha… I used be able to… hmm maybe on a good day with no alcohol involved.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight? Well Kayak Man is here …watching TV.

34. Are you too forgiving? I forgive the small stuff pretty easy. I wish I would speak up about things sometimes. Then there are these huge issues I just can’t get over and I wish I could let go and forgive those.

35. Ever been in love? Uh huh … more than once… moving on now…

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow? Well… one of them is working in central London trying to convince people to go green… and the other will be in Chicago trying to survive the insane weather and mostly likely reading the latest gadget news.

37. Ever have cream puffs? Noooo but I’ve seen pictures. They are huge; I’d have to share one.

38. Last time you cried? I hate crying in front of people. If you MUST know it was this afternoon.

39. What was the last question you asked? I asked Kayak Man something about dinner  or a puppy or the extreme fishing show he was watching…  one of those… I don’t remember the exact order of our conversation.

40. Favourite time of the year? Anytime I spend in the USA… otherwise the baseball season.

41. Do you have any tattoos?
Nope… I made an appointment to have one once  but chickened out. With hindsight I’m glad.

42. Are you sarcastic? Me? NEVER.

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
Nope

44. Ever walked into a wall? Oh yeah too many to count.

45. Favourite colour? PURPLE

46. Have you ever slapped someone? YES but usually the guy deserved it. There’s this one time I really regret though.

47. Is your hair curly? More wavy than curly… unless the hairdresser has gotten hold of it. Then it has CURLS.

48. What was the last CD you bought? BONJOVI!!

49. Do looks matter? Mine do. Not happy 😦

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater? Ummm…well… I’m an open relationship kind of girl… honesty is more important than monogamy.  sleeping with someone else no big deal… going behind my back and lying – that’s a problem.

51. Is your phone bill sky high? No not at all. I should call people more.

52. Do you like your life right now? No I hate it but I think its moving in the right direction now at least .

53. Do you sleep with the TV on? I don’t have a TV in my room but if I did I would have it on yes. I can’t CAN’T go to sleep in silence.

54. Can you handle the truth? If I don’t want to know the answer I won’t ask the question but I do react with my heart first and think with my head later so it may take me a while to admit/accept the truth.

55. Do you have good vision? No I have really poor sight in my left eye. Without my right I couldn’t see. I’m also a tad short sighted.  Glasses are on order lol

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
Dislike oh heck yeah. HATE… No

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
Phone… not so much.  SKYPE EVERYDAY… usually for hours!

58. The last person you held hands with?
LMAO … you’re to cute.

59. What are you wearing? Black pants, blue top, unusually NO heels  and I’ll leave the underwear up to your imagination 😛

60. What is your favourite animal?
What, you want me to choose just one!?  Dogs or is it bunnies… or dolphins… or elephants…  otters .. I don’t know!!

61. Where was your default picture taken at?
In my bedroom

62. Can you hula hoop?
Only on the Wii Fit.

63. Do you have a job? NO, do you have to rub it in :S

64. What was the most recent thing you bought? SHOES… and ice cream.

65. Have you ever crawled through a window? Hmmm… I can’t recall… maybe.

Well now see you know me a little better … complicated ain’t I?  hehe

Ali xX

Show and Tell

It show and tell time again. This week I’d like to share my small success with the class.  On Saturday, I undertook the 8 hour Basic First Aid Training with the British Red Cross.  It’s training I have done before about 5 years ago and I was amazed by how much advice and safe practice guidelines have changed in the past 2 months, even.  Not only am I excited that the first step in my route to becoming a full Volunteer is complete, but I truly believe this small amount of training is something most people should do. It’s not hard at all though it can be a lot of information to take in and I’m so glad I have my handouts to read over… but knowing how to help someone in medical distress is so very important. You just never know when you might come across a situation where what you are able to do could save a life. From now on I’ll be carrying a basic first aid kit at all times, hoping I never need to use it. I’ll be going shopping this week for a slightly bigger bag to hold it too, I think. No need to feel guilty if its for such a good reason.

 I Passed Woot !

I Passed Woot !

Make sure you check out what the rest of the class is showing.

show_and_tell

What a Witch.

Frustration… don’t ask me why, but I’m feeling decidedly hormonal. Everything just seems a little harder and caused more frustration. I didn’t get the job applications that I wanted to submitted.  I failed to get my registration for this year’s Race for Life completed. I seemed to have more than my usual quota of irritating, frustrating, pulling my hair out style conversations.  No matter what I do, I can not relax and let go. I’ve tried all my usual tricks. Oh, and I scored an epic fail at the “E” thing today also, managing to pack away an obscene amount of junk food and chocolate. I’m at the point now where noises are winding me up – whether it’s Kayak Man downstairs with the Wii game that’s been on since the second he got home from college, or just sound effects or webpages from my own machine. Everything seems extra loud and annoying… GAH… Shhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! I can’t think!

I did hear today that the hospital I applied to volunteer for has actually contacted my references and they will be writing back sometime over the weekend… so at least some progress was made today.

I’m totally not being pushed into a corner… I just FEEL that way… and then I spend the rest of the day biting my tongue so as not to say the wrong thing or snap and take someone’s head off. I failed once today already, and yeah I do feel sorry for the guy looking back on it, but at the time I swear I saw RED.

Hormones are the REAL bitch!

Ali xX

K.S.: Basic First Aid training tomorrow

Faking the sunshine summer ..

The weather was actually not that great today. Kayak Man was most upset that we had the most glorious weather this week right up until he hands his mammoth project in… and then poof… back to our usual fare of clouds and some rain.  Undeterred, he declared we must go out and get a BBQ and so that’s just what we did. Off to our local DIY store to spend ages ogling  the latest Weber grill and its many competitors, discussing the finer points of BBQ-ing  and the fact that what we are proposing to do is not actually BBQ-ing at all but more like grilling ..

At least we can both agree that gas powered grills are just so wrong and never will one cross the doorstep of our home. Oh no! We need charcoal and wood chips… and flaaames.  Well, at least the wonderful red hot glow and the wonderful snaps and crackles of things burning.  Otherwise, the taste is just never the same… Kayak Man points out we have a gas powered hob… it’s not gonna get any better just because the contraption is outside. So, charcoal it is then. After we’d finished perving on all the grills we really couldn’t afford, in an eyes wide one day we’ll get… mmhumm when we actually have a credible income, we’ll upgrade. Really, it took all my powers of diplomacy  to talk the man down from his we must buy this half oil drum huuuge grill for I am man  and man must grill ledge. Considerable will power too on my part I might add not to jump on board with his Weber fantasy… because oooo so cool!  But we’re grown ups now and that involves being realistic about budget (hmm ok  … make that more realistic than we have been) so we got our little grill… and after you buy a new grill there’s only one place to go next. Well, for us carnivores anyway, and that’s meat shopping. Gotta break the thing in in style.

Grill corner There is nothing that says summer more to me than firing up the BBQ, preparing an assortment of meats and salads.  It’s the happiest I’ve been in the kitchen for ages.  Now I know the cynics amongst you will draw a parallel here between my happy state and how easy salads are to prepare. Psssht that has nothing to do with it!  I’ll have you know it’s perfectly possible to fail at salad too. Trust me.

We feasted on BBQ corn, pork kebabs and sausage… and it was gooood…  and I topped it all off with a freshly prepared fruit salad and vanilla ice cream,  which to me is like summer in a bowl.  Kayak Man has declared he will now cook on the grill anytime the weather allows, just because he can!   You won’t hear no argument from me… grilling rocks and totally took my mind off the sucky job search thing ..

Two things I need to bring up however:

I know this goes against the grain of all that is manly, but I actually love to get a hold of those grilling tools and have a go myself you know (why is it…we have kitchen utensils  but grilling TOOLS… hmmm testosterone overload me thinks).

Mmmm Meat

In this same vain, I have to share one of my huge summer pet peeves… guys who randomly take their shirt off. What the hell… why is this ok!?  Yeah yeah I know its hot around the grill,  but heck you’d all have something to say if I just whipped my shirt  off to get more comfortable.  Like the removal of the thin cotton t-shirt you were wearing is gonna help oh so much!  KEEP IT ON! If I want to see your bare chest, I’ll let you know. Better yet, I’ll take your dam shirt off myself. GOT IT?  Good!   Kayak Man maintains that it’s ok for guys because of the lack of breasts. HA riiight… first my tits so don’t count as breast… and second… seriously… LOOK at the majority of the topless show offs around here. They sure could use some extra support in the chest area, I’m telling you.

In the privacy of your own home is one thing… but in public… in front of people you don’t know… or worse: people you DO know (parents or friends… uughhh CRINGE). Oh, and I know you think you’re cool, but actually it would amuse me more if your got on the bus with your top missing your pants… at least that’s original and it might make me giggle.

*breathes* ok… rant over… seriously, though, keep it covered.  Sunburn causes cancer ya know!

After all the grilling great food and fresh air, I was feeling all sunshine and summer even if the weather didn’t agree with me.

I know for a fact you guys over in the USA take BBQ to a whole new level…any great ideas for us to try on our little back yard grill let me know!

Ali xX

K.S.: flaaaames are oh so pretty… (mmhum pyromaniac that’s me )