Upping the ante.

Exhausted… totally and utterly wiped out.  That’s how I feel but it was so worth it. I took a step I never would have even contemplated 2 or 3 months ago. I went to a university open day.  Mmhum… I want to go back to school. Don’t we all wish we could wind back the clock sometimes?

The problem is the subject I want to study is HARD… beyond HARD.  It’s complicated both academically and emotionally. There is no room for error. Competition for this course is fierce. To give you an idea this institution had over 600 applicants for just 22 places last year. In fact I should be so intimidated right now that I just throw in the towel and walk away. Really. But oddly I am not.  I truly believe I could do this. In fact I think I could be good at it.  Now all I have to do is convince everybody else.  This is a total change of attitude for me and while it feels a little arrogant perhaps even cocky.  It’s refreshing to find that not all my determination and self belief has disappeared.

Throughout my life I have always done best in the underdog position. I get at my most stubborn, persistent and determined when the consensus is that I can’t do something. Yeah really don’t tell me I can’t when I REALLY want too because I will get bust a gut to prove you wrong or kill myself trying.  I feel like I may have a new project and I only hope this attitude will stay around for the LONG HAUL…

And I do mean long.  I’m looking at applying for the course scheduled to begin September 2010. If I’m successful I’ll be facing 3 years (probably the toughest 3 years of my life thus far) study and finally qualify in summer 2013 age 31 … 31 OMG by the time I get done I’ll be over THIRTY !!!  Now I feel like crying – just kidding.

I have got to keep Faith in the IDEA what if you want something badly enough to work your ass off and give it your all… you can achieve. And even if I fail at least I will have given it my best shot. Rejection is painful but always better to regret something you did than something you wish you had done. That being said, I need to go into serious training.

Before I can even apply to this course I have to successfully be admitted to an access course and complete passing with flying colors over the next year. So I need to get moving on finding the best location for the course and submitting the all important application. I’ll be studying health which involves science and maths… which is about as far away from my previous BA degree as you can get. Mmhumm. Other end of the spectrum. Last time I studied maths and science I was 15. I don’t even OWN a calculator anymore.

On top of this study I need the volunteering experience to support my application. So not only do I need to follow through on what I have already set up,  if anything I need to look for MORE..

AND… ANNND… I’m still looking for some work that will slot in somewhere here too. It’s a long term plan as the title of the post suggests.  Just like the other one I’ll be taking it one step at a time, but I not only need to get my confidence back  to succeed at this I  need to be totally driven and sell myself .. I HAVE ALOT TO WORK ON.

Right now I feel kind of like a ball player who somehow got offered an at bat in the majors. Trouble is, I’m still playing Triple A. Seriously need to up my game and get some balls! Fuck.. I hope I want it badly enough…

Either way, its good to have a long term goal… something to focus on… something to drive for even if it does feel slightly out of reach… right? RIGHT? Wish me luck I’m gonna need it.

And before you ask … I’m not telling what this course I’m aiming for is right now… sort of a self preservation thing. Firstly to save embarrassment just in case I fall flat on my face and have to sidle off to deal with the bruises, and secondly because I’m really not ready for a chorus of “that’s insane you’re crazy” just yet.

Ali xX

K.S.: Blue skies and sunshine all day long … let’s hope that’s a good omen

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