Out of my hands.

I’ve been feeling weak and tired most of the day even though I have caught up on sleep and I did eat my meals. I’m awake now and my head is kind of spinning so let’s try to keep this short.

I feel powerless today; not just physically feeling weak and wobbly but mentally too. I’ve set things in motion. I’ve done what was required of me and now the results are out of my hands. The dreaded date with the sharp end of a needle is over. Actually it passed off pretty much without event which I’m real happy about.  No passing out, a great stick,  no bruising. I’m telling you more people need to learn to do this as well and my technician today. She rawked it. I didn’t even need to lie down – just got right up and walked out the door. W00t! Things were looking a little rough there for a while. I’d been dreading it for a couple of days ever since I realized there was a lack of bus money and I’d have to walk to the surgery after my 14 hour fast.  It’s not too far – maybe 25 minutes or so – but I’d had no sleep either and was not feeling good when I got out of bed even though I did get there without a problem. I’m glad Kayak Man was walking with me and I’m glad we got to the surgery when we did. I was starting to get that disconnected dizzy feeling and my heart was racing something awful. But it’s done; my blood is on its way to a lab and all I can do is sit and wait to hear my fate… 5 days and counting.

I got home to find a detailed documentary on IVF showing. Somehow I feel like I have to watch. I’m not going through this right now – maybe I never will – but there’s a good chance it may be me one day. The stories of the couples featured brought tears to my eyes and not just because of my exhausted unfed state. Infertility is heart breaking and a rollercoaster of emotion that fills me with fear and dread. I cried for them… and maybe selfishly I cried for me to. I feel kind of silly about that. I hate crying in front of people Kayak Man walked in and found me in that mess. I was so embarrassed. He looked at me… looked at the TV… sat down beside me and just held my hand tight. He never let go till the show was over, but he never asked or commented either. This from the same guy who wanted to see my injected arm on the way home just so he could (gently) poke it to see if it hurt. Mmhum he may not be the most sensitive person around but sometimes he really comes through for me. I’m glad he was here.

I actually got myself in gear today; filled out and submitted my college application which represents step one in my five year plan. I don’t know how many times I scanned that form checking over and over. Nothing had been left out… nothing more to add. I hit the submit application button with a huge gulp… and again its out of my control. Somebody else will make that choice for me. I can’t influence them anymore. I can’t change the outcome.  I just have to cross everything and try not to bite my nails from the nerves.  It’s going to be 4 weeks at least until I hear. It feels so long. I had best find a way to stop thinking about it so much or I’ll go mad with worry. I mean, if this doesn’t turn out how I hope, I’ll have to change my whole game plan.

One final thing: I have a friend who’s going for her first ultra sound tomorrow. Unfortunately I’ve learned that you can’t take anything for granted in this reproduction game. I’ll be thinking of her. May she be blessed with nothing but wonderful news. Lady misfortune I’m telling ya you better stay well away… wanna pick on anyone tomorrow? Pick me bitch.

Life: it’s a waiting game.

Ali xX

K.S. : I might be going back to college – positive thinking !

One thought on “Out of my hands.

  1. Thinking about you a lot ever since I came across your blog via the show and tell. Good for you taking these big scary steps!

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