Forgive me for failing to write anything yesterday. I did a lot more exercises than is usual for me and boy was I feeling it. My knees where creaking worse than an old rocking chair. Why, you ask, did I push myself so far? Well, you see, I had my first session of actual First Aid training booked for yesterday. Unfortunately, I was also still lacking bus fare. Yes, I could have missed it and joined the next course, but I have no idea when that would have been and I’m already joining this one half way through with a catch up session planned. I felt more comfortable with the idea of joining this course because I knew of two other newbies joining this week. Safety in numbers, I reckon, so I decided to walk it. It took me about an hour to get into the center of Birkenhead. That’s way too long and just proves I’m so unfit. You know it’s bad when you arrive and you hear “uugh I feel how you look!” Hay but at least I was there with the motivational struggles I’ve had. I’m proud of that. Of course I had to walk an hour home again, too. My body is protesting today. In fact I was due to go back for the regular meeting tonight but just couldn’t face that walk again. It’s not a compulsory meeting. I won’t miss too much and of course I’ll be back next week.
Back tracking today… I’ve done nothing, barely got out of bed and had to be talked into eating because I so didn’t feel like it. The thought of food was making me ill and super fussy. There was just nothing I wanted to digest in the house. This is still a childish behavior and I should know better. I should have better control over my body… no food = no meds… and NO MEDS is bad! Yup, today I was an idiot and totally lame. I finally did eat a small portion of tinned fruit and I felt so full I could have sworn I was going to burst. Admittedly I had taken my Metformin too so I’m not sure what was making me feel so sick – the food or the pill. My heart was racing there for a little while. Sucks and so frustrating.
One thing I did notice today is just how used to swallowing pills my body has gotten. I mean, for example, when I was younger I would have trouble swallowing even one tiny little thing. Honestly, my mum used to hide the thing in a spoonful of jam or a slice of apple just to get me to take it (yeah Gadget Guy did point out that’s how they give meds to dogs and cats. Thanks, dude 😛 ). But now, even tough I had been struggling to eat all frikkin’ day, I can happily hold a selection of six or seven different pills in the palm of my hand, toss my head back and swallow them without thinking with the same ease as my beloved M&M’s. That’s nuts. I take so many of the things I’m surprised I don’t rattle like my pill box.
Medically: do you want the good news or the bad news? Let’s start with the bad, that way you know things are gonna get better. I got news about my dad today. Not good. He’s in a really bad way, has had another stroke I didn’t know about. Broke his hip too… refused physio treatment and is now permanently wheelchair bound. He was refusing to eat which they thought was depression…until they took him to the dentist. I’ll not go into everything that was wrong, but shit he must have been in pain for ages without saying anything (he doesn’t / can’t really talk much). The upshot of it all is the poor man has had ALL of his teeth removed. Kind of ironic since he spent most of his life developing, among other things, some of the most well known brands of toothpaste. Also ironic is that I have my first dentist appointment in about 2 years tomorrow. I have always hated the dentist, but that’s one thing I won’t be skipping out on ANYMORE!
I’m gutted to see my dad this way. He’s only 62. I experience so many different emotions with everything that’s gone on between us. I feel like my brain just hit a brick wall and splattered a mess of feelings all over the place… guilt, anger, compassion… more guilt… some numbness. I don’t think I’m really ready to talk about it yet. Maybe when I’ve made some more sense out of things. It’s never cut and dry, is it?
The good news: my friend’s ultrasound was absolutely fine. Her due date is October 30th. Ohhhhh I want this kid to be born on Halloween so much… it just appeals to the former Goth in me. How cool would that be! I panicked about it the whole flipping day till she called me. I was a mess. It seems a little crazy… there was no reason to think anything would be wrong.. I just… I… I find myself always fearing the worst re: pregnancy. The worry makes me sick… physically SICK.
Other changes today: Gadget Guy worked his ass off to create a Health Journal for me – an easy place where I can record all my symptoms and feelings daily so I can keep an eye on things. I should have done this ages ago. He’s been kicking my ass about it for months. I need to keep better track of things so I can notice any changes.. I have dutifully promised to complete it everyday from now on… promises you make to close friends are serious things. I better not screw up.
Note to self: ALWAYS PAY ATTENTION WHEN CHECKING YOUR E-MAIL!!! .. Right under the message about my father… other important news: I was so wrapped up in the dad thing I nearly missed it. Now I don’t want to jinx this. I’m so nervous. I’m not expecting anything at all… but…
*whispers really quietly* I have a job interview…
K.S.: I’m getting stronger… I may have had a bad day… but it was just one day not several and I am still anti depressant free.