A little lost .

People change. People grow. They move on. Live their lives. Circumstances get in the way and friendships change, evolve.  People grow closer together and drift apart like the coming and going of a wave on the shore.  It happens. It’s part of human existence. I guess it can’t be helped, but you know whatever the reason: the loss of a close relationship is always sad and however bad the circumstances of the spilt usually, I find myself mourning for the closeness I once enjoyed or perceived existed between me and the other person and I find it so hard to let them go. Ok in some cases they have already all but left my life of their own accord and it takes a while for me to figure out what’s happening.

Things are changing a lot for me recently and even though I’m thrilled at the progress I have to admit at feeling melancholy for what’s been lost along the way. Twice recently I have found myself mulling over my relationships with someone who had held a special place in my heart and pondering what direction I need to take…

A close friend who I use to tell everything to, pretty much. We shared the ups and downs of life’s dramas and had many many laughs, giggles and hours of fun doing it. We would talk for hours. Our lives took different directions and I began to open my eyes and wonder if she really held me with the same high regard and care that I had for her. you know when the person starts making excuses to leave – or worse – walking away from an IM conversation saying she’ll brb and just not returning, you start to wonder. I used to wrack my brains about it and worry to the point of making myself sick that I was doing something wrong, that it was me. Somehow I was making her reject me. But you know I don’t actually think I said anything too terrible… although I have to admit to being honest about things that maybe where not my place to say. However IF you ask for my opinion/advice, you’re gonna get my honest thoughts. Respond to them as you wish. After a while I started to realize that the level of drama in my life was significantly reduced. There was so much tension between two of my friends that they could barely tolerate the mention of the others name. Mistreatment and aggravation between them left me walking on egg shells, wondering what the heck happened to the times we spend all together laughing ourselves silly till the wee hours of the morning. I cared about these two so much. They were both like family and for a while I was refusing to walk away from either one and very trapped in the middle, pulling my hair out and running round in circles trying to make everyone happy. You know that is NEVER possible… and still we try. I tried till my head hurt. My heart felt ripped in two and I was routinely throwing up  and shaking after time together… and I could do no more… and it still all fell apart around me. So there’s a lesson for ya.

After the crisis point i tried separating the two, trying hard not to get into discussion with one about the other… ech I suck at that. I would always say or do the wrong thing and suddenly it was my fault that the two of them couldn’t patch things up. If only I’d said this… done that… gah whatever!

This person has made some choices in life that baffle me. I don’t understand. I’m confused and to begin with, I was angry and upset with her. I couldn’t go on pretending everything was ok. Things got more and more strained when we were together. We both moved away from the thing we had in common in massively different directions. I guess once that happened we began to see that, other than this one thing we were no longer doing, we actually have very little in common in terms of interests, tastes, values even maybe. Sadly, now when we talk we hardly seem to know what to say… and conversation that once flowed freely dries up in a matter of minutes. I strongly suspect we both may be paying lip service to each other because of the bond that once existed between us. I feel maybe I should move on. But gawd I miss the laughs we once had. I’m left wondering if we were ever as close as I thought we were and I know for sure that even though I may walk away I gave her a piece of my heart and she will always have it. May she find happiness, love and security and may karma royally screw over the person that hurts her three times more than they deserve.

This rather abrupt parting of the ways – the fundamental differences… the reasons we are no longer in that place we once were… I get that. I don’t like it, but I do understand.

Sometimes change just happens so slowly, so subtly, so quietly, that you don’t really see it till your toes are hanging over the edge of the huge fucking crater that’s now between you. I understand what happened. It’s that I used to show this person most of my soul – all the pieces. I was mortified that someone might one day expose the things I had locked away from everyone. I freely gave this person access to and I still don’t really know why. Most of the cracks, flaws, insecurities, hopes, dreams… everything. Somehow I felt that our friendship really worked. But I’m guarded again now. The trust thing between us is all but gone.

I’m sad for what has been lost along the way for promises I no longer feel will be kept. There’s no anger or bitterness… just a sad shrug and a search for the way forward.

Ali xX

Hormones gone haywire … here we go again.

Uuugh… hormones are wreaking havoc with me. I have this oddly out of control feeling like I have too much energy or stress or tension… emotion maybe… goodness knows but it’s making my skin crawl and feel tingly all over right to the tips of my fingers but so much worse in my thighs. I feel shaky and unstable, both physically but mentally too with no idea which extreme of emotion I might lurch into next. All I know is provoke me and I fear extreme reaction will occur – not sure if that will be crying hysterically or screaming like a banshee. I hate feeling this way. Hate it. I’m not right in my own skin. Everything feels awkward and prickly. I have an odd sensation in my head and I want a cuddle.  I need to be held. I need to hold you – only my skin crawls so bad when you actually do touch me I can hardly stand it… and I’m scared if I did hold you I’d squeeze you so tight it would hurt. It’s so confusing… a jumbled mess of rawness that makes no sense and has an oddly destructive streak. I have raging hormones… that mean I actually want to tear some guy apart in a desperate need for intimacy and yet I’m scared to because tear apart is no joke. In this mood I feel the need to bite. And not in a kinky fun gentle way. There is a sensation in my jaw. I bite HARD.  I know this because most times I’ll end up biting my own hand and leaving bruises and teeth marks. I want to dig my nails into something and actually tear it up.  It’s INSANE and overwhelming and to be honest it frightens me. It usually only lasts a couple of days but it feels like forever and each time is just a little different. Today, for example, I’m not getting mad or angry like I have done in the past just SCARED to death with a feeling that something bad is going to happen to me or someone close to me. It’s totally irrational. There’s no reason at all to think bad news is on the way but I can’t shake this awful doom and gloom feeling.  Another new thing for me my joints all are stiff and ache. Not just my knees which is usual for me. My left knee will often go stiff or lock a little and ache its a separate issue but today I have this same uncomfortable tenderness and dull ache in both of my knees. Also my ankles, wrists, the back of my neck, and even the individual knuckles in my fingers. It’s not pain full as such just uncomfortable and achy and a little stiff.   The whole mess is infuriating. My body is driving me insane!

I don’t know what to try next to make it better except hoping that it will pass quickly.

Irritation and perhaps frustration are the words of the day.

As Kayak Man would say  …”Ali I just have to tell your HORMONES they are being a BITCH right now.”

*Cries* I can’t help it !

Ali xX

Dental Fuss

I have decided I love my dentist which is quite an amazing thing for me to say given that until very recently I had a total fear of anything teeth related and actually hadn’t been able to go for a check up in a couple of years thanks to a lack of available NHS dentists. The idea of the dentist waiting room has not become a staple for comparing other awful things or for no reason it’s a terrifying place to be waiting for your turn in the torture chamber.  Hay, don’t tell me that set of tools laid out ever so neatly on the tray and the dentists chair doesn’t remind you of the kind of person who takes a bizarre pleasure in inflicting pain on others. I keep imagining said skilled technician is going to start firing off personal questions looking for incriminating answers at any moment. Except, of course, I’d be unable to answer because my mouth is full of things and stuff and I think I may die if they don’t let me swallow again soon!

I’ve always said you have to have a sadistic streak to want to be a dentist. Not that its not an important job, it’s just you have got to ask yourself what makes a person decide they want to deal with teeth when they grow up. Beats me. 98.9 percent of people I know view dentistry as a necessary evil in life, not something to make a career out of. Anybody – any ideas what that “dentist office” smell actually is?? My new dental practice, while it smells the same as any other I’ve ever been to, fails in one important area: there is NO reading material. ok the posters on the wall telling you how to pay and warning you that if you keep failing to show up they will refuse treatment or all the doom and gloom death and decay pictures of teeth. They don’t count. Where’s the stack of old magazines? I mean, seriously, I only ever read Cosmo and Idea Homes when I’m waiting for some type of treatment, so   it doesn’t matter to me that the issues are 3 + months old. Their absence makes me feel cheated. I mean, without the pretence that we are so engrossed in this fantastic article learning 55 ways to drive a man wild and other such important information we’re forced to do that awkward stare at the walls and try not to make eye contact thing. Nobody talks in a waiting room. The silence is so still it would make local libraries green with envy. Awkward… I feel awkward. Yeah I’ve learned my lesson. I take a book now every time I go.

So, we’ve talked about the new practices failings in the reading department.  Now lets get on to the subject at hand: I LOVE my new dentist… so much so, that I am no longer scared of the dentist or the stooopid office. I just can’t be terrified of this slight blonde haired young woman who’s quite a bit shorter than me and given that I’m only 5″1 she is little, cute and actually pretty kind which is VERY refreshing for a dentist in my experience. You know like when I raise my hand to tell her that thing she just did HURT LIKE HELL despite the supposed anesthetic she actually stops and tried to do something to fix the situation for me. The bloke I saw last was obviously a much more serious sadist because he did a wonderful job of ignoring me and carrying on regardless… or worse simply telling me that shouldn’t hurt even though I’m actually spasming in the chair every time he tries to carry on. HAY DUDE… I don’t care about your “shouldn’t”… apparently my mouth does not agree with your rules. You hurt me. HURT HURTS OWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

These days I’m less likely to be screaming in the chair; instead having more trouble trying not to giggle as this ladies face is so close to mine because of her small stature that we are practically rubbing noses with her mask and visor acting as some bizarre barrier to Eskimo intimacy. I have to point out here that it’s the situation that makes me giggle. I’m not laughing at her in the least – she does a great job and proves once again that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. She is also remarkably strong. It’s surprising and totally unreserved when it comes to doing what she needs to do to get the job done. I have it on Kayak Man’s good authority that she was climbing on the chair with him to get enough leverage to pull a tooth from the mouth of a man three times her size. actually he said she was climbing over him but I think that’s more wishful thinking from a guy sat still in a chair long enough to let his mind wonder. Anyways…

Sadly there was a complication with Kayak Man’s extraction and the second tooth that was due to be removed is now a fragmented mess of rot in his gum we have to wait for the dental hospital to get in touch. He’ll have to go over to Liverpool somewhere to have it sorted out and apparently its at least a month’s wait. A MONTH. THATS CRAZY. Oh and just so ya know – our super cool dentist is not to blame.

All in all,  my fear of the dentist is fading fast. YAAAY!

Ali xX

The 8 thing

To do list (i.e. “the rules”):

1. Mention the persons who tagged me, uh huh .
2. Complete the list of 8’s, yep no probs.
3. Tag 8 bloggers & tell them I tagged them, kinda sorta maybe .

Eight things I am looking forward to:

1. Opening the two parcels that came in the mail today… and the third one showing up.
2. Kayak Man’s graduation (knock on wood results not published yet.)
3. More summer weather and using the BBQ
4. Finishing my first aid training
5. Going back to college (with a bit of luck)
6. Harry Potter… the next movie!
7. Completing the walk for life without panic attacks
8. Going back to the USA… eventually

Eight things I did yesterday:

1. Started a new book

2. Told a little white lie ( bad girl )

3. Went to the garden center

4. Watched some Baby TV.

5. Ate grilled chicken with home made BBQ sauce for dinner

6. Spoke to a very good friend

7. Received a book about the human body in the mail

8. Failed to take any good pictures despite Gadget Guy’s nagging :S

Eight things I wish I could do:

1. Have children (Duh!)
2. Move to the USA / travel more
3. Make a difference to the world
4. Afford a boob job
6. Cook well
7. Take awesome pictures
8. Write well.

Eight shows I watch: (excluding my obsession with baby programming )

1. The Amazing Race
2. Dancing with the Stars
3. Friends
4. Wipeout
5. No Reservations
6. Ace of Cakes
7. The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
8. Recently an alarming amount of Star Trek in various forms

Eight favorite fruits:

1. Peaches
2. Nectarines
3. Mango
4. Pineapple
5. Raspberries
6. Strawberries
7. Blueberries
8. Grapes

Eight places I’d like to travel:

1. Las Vegas… with a chaperone 😛
2. Chicago
3. New York
4. The rest of the USA… seriously ANYWHERE
5. New Zealand
6. Italy
7. Japan
8. The Caribbean

Eight places I’ve lived:

(in no particular order)

1. Perth Scotland
2. Wirral England
3. Wrexham Wales
4. Bruxelles Belgium
5. Liege Belgium
6. Chester England
7. The Hague Netherlands
8. New Jersey USA… *sigh*

People I’ve tagged: yeah if I tag you its ‘cause I likes you… Not to be annoying: P

1. Real Lans
2. Exploring chaos
3. Finding motherhood
4. Dancing in the rain
5. Eccentric young infertile
6. Village pig
7. The life of Liv
8. The World According to Raggedy Ann

Ummmmm….that’s it… Sorry it’s late Kirstin. Forgive me…pleaaase?! *tries the cute smile*

Its just a phase ..

I have a severe case of addiction to baby shows. Well, more specifically, labor and delivery and midwifery shows.  You name it, I watch it: “Portland Babies”, “A Baby Story”, “Labour and Delivery” and my personal favorite “Deliver Me”. I have it bad. Sometimes I’ll watch for hours at a time, totally fascinated. I mean, the other day I was lying in bed dropping off to sleep (yes I was actually falling asleep) when the theme tune from “Deliver Me” entered my ears. I squealed with excitement and HAD to get up to go and watch.  As I staggered back to bed after, I began to admit I may be obsessed.

I find the stories on the shows so riveting. Each woman’s own personal situation /medical history/complications and the path she travels down to deliver her baby. It brings you face to face with the diversity of the general population. Everybody is so very different. It’s exciting and even though I’m sure I’m barely getting a glimpse of what the midwifery profession is like. I love watching the midwifery staff or in the US the OBGYN’s at work.  It’s so interesting the little scraps of information you pick up. For example, I learned today that a baby inside a mothers uterus is always a full degree hotter than mum. Not a problem until mum has a fever. Hmm… I  NEVER new that before and I never realized before how high the rate of c-section deliveries is particularly in the US where on average 33% of babies are born this way. That’s compared to 22 % in the UK.  YEAH I’m definitely obsessed.

So far only Gadget Guy and Kayak Man are suffering ill effects of this new development, with Kayak Man being subjected to watching said programming way too early in the morning for the poor male brain to cope with without squealing  and turning over to hide his eyes and Gadget Guy being forced to listen to me as I recount all that I have seen and learned with so much excitement and enthusiasm that he’s too polite to tell me to STFU. Yeah ya know I’m lucky to have guy friends who put up with this shit… real lucky. Hopefully if I actually get on the access course I’m aiming for (fingers still crossed interview 1st of June) then maybe I’ll meet other midwifery wanna be’s and I can share this fascination with them and perhaps STOP over loading the guys with TMI. Maybe.

I’m excited. I’m obsessed. it all feels so new and so wonderful. I’m worried. Obsessions can wear off all too fast. Yeah, just ask Kayak Man. He’s the biggest schemer I know and everything new he does is the best thing EVER!  Until the next thing comes along which is fine except I can’t afford for the next thing to come along. The fee’s for this access course alone are a big ask for me and if I’m successful in my application I’ll have to go back to university for three full years and live off next to nothing working ridiculous hours with no social life. I’ll eat, sleep and think midwifery and it will possibly be the hardest challenge of my life so far. I’ll be 31 when I get done doing that and probably in student debt up to my eyeballs. I really HAVE to work out if this is a phase and is gonna wear off faster than a high school crush…  or is this the real deal  and I’ve got to figure it out SOON.

The thing is… I say it’s new. It’s not really a new obsession. I’ve always been fascinated. It’s just I always thought that would all get explained to me, that I would come to understand when I finally fell pregnant and carried my babies and when I was told that is mostly likely not going to happen… well I guess I slammed the door on all that and refused to let myself think about anything even remotely pregnancy/birth/baby related. It was too painful. It HURT.  It made me jealous, bitter and angry and AND I felt stooopid – really stupid. I mean, I shouldn’t care right?  I can’t get pregnant, so what does all this stuff matter? Why should I care? I got kind of paranoid. I mean, an infertile woman who spends all her time reading, researching learning about all things pregnancy and birth. I feared judgment. Worried people would think I was crazy… unrealistic… torturing myself… or all of the above. Like somehow infertility meant giving up the right to be interested.

I guess I’m a couple of years older now and news of my prognosis is not so raw. Now what matters is less what other people will think and more what will make me happy.  I am still interested. I do still care and even if I’m never in a position to use the information to my own benefit to have a baby that doesn’t matter. I don’t have to stop thinking about it… I just have to refocus. I don’t look at it now through the eyes of a woman who waits for the day she can start her journey.  I look at it through the professional midwifery lens in terms of how I can use what interests me to make the biggest possible positive difference to others. Yes I’ve refocused. I’ve changed but I’m allowing myself to think about these things that I had shut out of my mind. I’m opening the doors to all that again and it feels exciting and invigorating, like being able to drink water again after a long drought.  I do believe the initial excitement will wear off.  I know I will be on the same rollercoaster of emotions that any student midwife rides with infertility. Perhaps adding a good few twists and turns all of its own but I don’t feel like I will one day wake up, not interested in the creation of life. Not EVER. Even if  I fail.

God I hope I’m right

Ali xX

Lost in translation.

I bet you’re wondering where I’ve been. lol OK maybe not, but anyways… if you noticed I was gone I’m here to tell you I’m baaaack and offer up my excuses. You see I couldn’t post anything this weekend because … it was Memorial Day over in the US. That’s the holiday weekend that signals the unofficial start of summer, because unlike us here in the UK, over the pond summer is a thing that you can pretty much rely upon to show up each year. Actually more importantly, its the day they celebrate and remember those who have make the ultimate sacrifice in the service of their country and of course those who continue to serve today and the military families who support them. Which, in my mind, makes the day so much more important than the start of a season as we all should take time to say a heartfelt “thank you” where it’s owed. It’s the least we can do. Mmhumm… yeah, so it was Memorial Day weekend and I was totally unable to post. I can see my excuse is not convincing you.  It also happens to be a holiday weekend over this side of the water too and well you see I was unable to post because Mr. & Mrs. Gadget Guy where out of town for the weekend enjoying some quality family time being super cool aunt and uncle and squeezing in some well earned rest as well. Why is this important? Well you see this is the part where I tell you that I wouldn’t be writing this blog at all if it wasn’t for GG and his support.

Actually, Village Pig asked me about this over on my about page because it’s mentioned there, so I thought I’d take this chance to explain. The first thing to know is that I am dyslexic. Not just one of those people who thinks they are because they make spelling mistakes every so often and muddle the occasional word up. I’m the genuine article – 100% certified dyslexic. An educational psychologist says so IN WRITTING so it must be true. I have learning difficulties which is why I am SUPER insanely sensitive when someone calls me stooopid because I’m not stupid: my brain just doesn’t quite work the same as yours and I’ll have you know it can be incredibly frustrating. You see when it comes to letters numbers and punctuation a dyslexic’s brain has a lot of crossed wires and gets easily confused. I’m kind of lucky in that my perception of numbers is relatively unaffected. I can do maths. W00t! I can’t remember numbers though like telephone numbers. I mix digits up more often than not.

I have virtually no concept of punctuation at all, other than I know it’s a bunch of symbols and marks that help other people make sense of words. I can’t punctuate my own work at all and don’t tell me it’s because I’m lazy. I’ve tried on four separate occasions at four different ages to make sense of it my brain just does not comprehend. You and I have different operating systems and in this area, mine is throwing error messages and waiting for you to give up… because it makes no sense!

I muddle words and letters up all the time. Sometimes my brain works faster than I can type and you’ll end up with pieces of sentences missing even though I swear I typed them… or I’ll make one smooched together word from two different words.  The problem is that when I read this stuff back, my brain reads what it’s expecting to see not what’s actually there. So it’s very hard for me to pick up on mistakes.

Both of these things make IM conversation difficult at times for me. It’s extra hard for me to pick up on the intention behind what you’re saying because I can’t read the punctuation correctly. For example, I’m often read the word “can”. When you actually typed “can’t” which means I get myself VERY confused. Sometimes I’ll miss whole lines of the conversation out altogether as I’m trying to keep up with you. It’s day to day life. It means that a lot of simple jobs are just imposable for me as my written communication is pretty bad.

There are many other ways in which dyslexia makes my life harder than it needs to be, but back to the purpose of this post: You see, every time I write a post for this bloggy space of mine, I have to pass it to Gadget Guy so that he can translate it into English that the general population can understand and then passes it back to me so that I can post. So it goes like this:  I write my draft, I sent it usually via Skype IM to Gadget Guy, he pastes it into Word, corrects reads and generally pulls his hair out over it till it makes some kind of sense, then he pastes it back to me and I have my post. Yep it’s thanks to him that I’m here at all and I’m very very grateful, especially given the subject matter which is often TMI for the poor guy. I also love that he doesn’t change my words or edit what I have to say unless absolutely necessary. So you’re reading my pure honest thoughts and flaws he doesn’t add his own twists or personality. He’s my human spell checker and if you think it’s an easy job … just ask him or maybe I’ll send you a post or two in their original state.

Yep so I’ve been putting the sexy back into dyslexic since I was diagnosed at the age of 15. We can do anything with a little help and support from some good friends… and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Dyslexia rules k.o. !?

Ali xX