Ever say something stooped? It just kind of comes out, then when you think about it or even as in my case a friend points it out, then you realize what you just said MADE no sense at all? Yup, I have those moments but last night was one of the best yet. I came out with this little Gem: “I have a rainbow in my head right now!”… A RAINBOW IN MY HEAD … what the hell… Noo I had not been on happy pills. The room was not spinning. I did have a lack of sleep, so you can blame that if you wish. So what happened that lead to this outburst? Well I was spending another evening in a somewhat over emotional mess, close to tears most of evening, crying by the end of the night. There was such a jumbled mess of emotions in my head. I couldn’t make much sense of it and I was dwelling on it. Yeah, for all that my friends tell me to let it go, move on, not worry about it, have faith that everything will be ok… I find actually DOING this ridiculously hard and so I dwell, I stress… the situation gets worse… things eat at me.
So there I was crying my eyes out to my somewhat confused friend who was of course gently poking fun at me in an attempt to make me laugh. Then I’m in this weird place where tears are pouring down my face. I’m still sad but I’m laughing at the same time – REALLY laughing – and now I’m just confused. Friend: “you must be feeling better you’re laughing” Me: “I have a rainbow in my head right now!” Friend: “ummm WTF?” *much laughter* I mean, what a ridiculous thing so say. Of course it was followed by discussion of what should be done about the rainbow; leave it there, pull it out my nose… I was laughing myself silly by the end of it, but i suspect it was one of those “late at night” “both tired” and “you had to be there” moments. I know exactly what I meant. I was feeling both extremes of emotion: laughter, happiness and the warm glow of friendship = Sunshine while tears, lingering sadness, a little fear and a big dose of confusion = rain. Yep, at that moment I was feeling a whole spectrum of colorful emotions. I really did have a rainbow of emotions in my head… yeah I hear ya all thinking that I’m silly but it makes perfect sense to me. I just don’t usually say these things OUTLOUD.
The idea of rainbows have been in my head for a few days because I was complaining to the same friend a while back that I really don’t see that many rainbows. Whenever I do they always make me smile. He assures me that if I’m not seeing them it’s because I don’t know where to look. Apparently you must put the sun behind you when you look for rainbows. This was news to me…
I had to go into town today to run a few errands. I was having one of those broody seeing days. They happen to me every so often. You know, babies everywhere I turn… mothers and families and pregnant women. Seriously they must have been having a beautiful bump convention in my town today. They were EVERYWHERE I looked. Yeah summer’s coming and future mommies are wearing less clothes… and somehow they are harder not to notice…
I realized I have this same Rainbow moment every time I see a happy pregnant woman. It sounds pathetic doesn’t it? But truly, that simple sight is so sooo complicated for my emotions to process. I mean I’m totally gaga about kids. As far as I’m concerned the more babies that arrive into this world safe and healthy miracles, the better. I’m not bitter towards other pregnant women. They make me smile. I don’t wish them any ill will. I don’t feel they are tormenting or teasing me with what they have that I don’t… and I really think they are all beautiful in their own way.. I wanna take care of them all. I want to meet all of those babies. I wonder what her child will look like… and I smile.
But I have this hole inside me that aches every single time. It’s a deep sadness. It makes me cry a little on the inside and it aches just to remind me that its there just to knock me back to reality. “Ali you can’t have that”… “Look but don’t touch”… “You can daydream but that’s all it will ever be – dreams. You’ll always wake up in this childless place because that’s the world you live in”… I wonder if I will ever find a way to fill that gap. .. I doubt it. Maybe one day it will just stop aching. Maybe… I can but hope.
I guess in a way infertility makes me see these moments. I doubt I’d even notice these women if I was still taking the whole having a family thing for granted. Instead I see families…children… and love… the way daddy sometimes is all nervous kind of doing this odd dance around his partner… wanting to help… not sure if he should .. I see the mother caressing her belly… I watch kids playing… Yeah, I know, life is not always perfect moments, but I feel like my eyes are a little more open and I notice more of them. They make me feel good… and they give me a little faith in the human race.
It dawns on me: infertility is as much a part of me as any of my other attributes. It shapes me , my views , my behavior, the way I look at the world… but ultimately it’s up to me: how I react, what I do. Sure, it would be easy to sink into depression and declare I can’t go on… that the world is too painful and life IS NOT FAIR! .I could throw my toys out of my pram and spend an eternity asking WHY?! And believe me… there are a lot of days when I feel this way, when it feels like my whole life will be nothing but fight and struggle..
Somehow, I want to find the strength to make something good come out of this. To remember that rainbows don’t just show up after rain but they are there because of it.
I don’t know if a child will be my pot of gold at the end of this infertility road… but maybe there is somewhere over the rainbow.