My friend married the man of her dreams on a warm August day… although it did rain while we were all inside eating the wedding breakfast which apparently is good luck on your wedding day. Not sure how much I believe in these little superstitions, but I guess it makes you smile a little if you read that stuff then it happened on YOUR wedding day. It was a wonderful day – so chilled out and so completely fitting to the couple getting married. Really, I could learn many lessons about not letting family push you around from MRS B. She stuck to her guns as the vision of a quiet simple wedding. I love the fact they just decided to get married and that was it. 8 weeks tops from booking the church to walking down the aisle. THAT ROCKS! She never turned into Bridezilla. Not once. Although I think she may have threatened to not bother once but you’d have to ask her mother in law about that. I think the guests where in more of a tiz trying to get there at short notice and that just makes me laugh… not quite as much as the picture of her in her gorgeous wedding dress veil and all drinking a pint of larger. It’s just so her. Never fails to make me giggle.
Anyways, when she called me up and told me that MR. had finally convinced her it was the right time and she was coming off her birth control. she may have talked about it taking around a year to get pregnant, but I had this sneaking suspicion things would happen alot faster than that. After all, when this pair decides to do anything, it just somehow gets done. Even I was not expecting the call as fast as it came. Basically, everything just happened maybe the first month… maybe second…not long at all, leaving nobody more surprised than mum to be herself.
Now, I have to tell you I’ve been dreaming of the day I’d make that phone call to give a friend my good news since… well, younger than is healthy for such thoughts. So when I find out someone I know is pregnant, for some reason it always used to make me gulp. I wasn’t jealous per se… just wishing life would hurry up with moving me towards that moment (There’s a lesson here I’m sure, about not wishing your life away but you can figure it out for yourselves). Since that whole “your infertile” appointment, this little gulp turned into a full-on sucker punch right in the ovary, as I found out when Kayak Man’s sister revealed she was expecting. I hate feeling that way. it makes me furious with myself that my first reaction to such important and joyful news is all about me and my distress and not the arrival of a new life or happiness for my friends. The joy does kick in most times… in just a couple of minutes… They feel like the loooooongest time when someone’s on the other end of the line waiting eagerly for a response.
I’d been bracing for this call since the moment I found out they were trying, knowing that punch was coming but at the same time I love this couple so much. they were settled, happily married with a warm and loving home, where they had always made me welcome I knew the future dad was concerned with not being an older father and truthfully when the news did come I have NEVER been so glad to get punched in the gut. Mrs. B’s sheer shock and surprise had us both laughing our heads off in minutes.
I was not expecting it at all but when my friend asked me to be her child’s godmother, I cried like the baby that was on the way lol. We would spend hours while she was pregnant talking about how tired she was, how awful the morning sickness was. Boy she had it bad. What she had been able to eat and how much she missed her husband when she got home feeling like she would pass out and the poor man was still working. We would joke about how little they were seeing each other. My friend came home from work, went to bed and pretty much passed out till the next morning. Aww I felt sorry for her. She would tell me of every midwife appointment… not the gruesome details or anything, but enough for me to get a picture of what was happening. I was so very grateful. I felt privileged to be given this inside take on her pregnancy experience.
Every memory I have of her pregnancy is a treasure to me and a pleasure to recall. I’m pretty sure its not that way for her. I remember the 20 minute dissection of the menu when we went out for lunch in the early weeks. I watched her debate and struggle with what she could and couldn’t eat, worry written on her face, making her look more vulnerable than I’d ever seen her before…. We gave the best answers we could to her many questions I promise.
I remember the moment it all got too much for her as she collapsed against her husband fighting back tears when the shop assistant who was fitting her new bra size told her she couldn’t possibly buy that sexy underwear as the bras were underwired and that was a big no no in her condition. I have to tell you the same as I told her: I totally understand how upsetting this is. We searched and searched but there were no sexy non-underwired underwear. It was depressing. My friend cried on my shoulder and there was not much I could do about it except tap her gently on the back and promise a shopping trip at the end of her journey. This was basically the recurring theme for her in her whole pregnancy. She felt like she was giving up all of herself for the sake of her child and not that she was reluctant or regretting the decision… just finding the process hard. And really who can blame her? She’s never been one to live by the rules – like me – fiercely independent and after all, her whole world was changing. She talked of feeling cut off a little from her partner. They had shared everything and he couldn’t really help her with this. She could talk about it. She tired to share as much as possible but somehow it wasn’t the same … I get that. I understand. In fact, it leads to my one pregnancy pet peeve: couples who delight in telling the world “we’re pregnant”. Noooooooooooooooo! YOU are “expecting… having a baby… in the family way.” SHE is pregnant. Are you going to have to push a human out of your body? Are you growing another being inside you? Do you have an clue at all how that feels… really? SHE is pregnant. *breathes* ok I’m done. Sorry.
I was with MRS B. the weekend before Little N decided to make her dramatic entrance. She was beautiful – one of those women who really puts on little extra weight at all, apart of course from her baby belly. By that point she was already carrying low and much of the discussion over lunch was regarding this impending labor. I knew she had very little birth plan. Like I said, she’s not one for making rules. I loved her I’ll do what I need at the time attitude… and I so hoped it would go well for her.
Sadly it was not to be. Her labor on set so fast. From what I can make out, the people caring for her could barely keep up. She had no time for pain relief and spent most of that couple of hours confused and in agony, only aware that she was losing all one’s sense of dignity. Even though “Little N” is the most gorgeous little girl, my friend declared that she would NEVER do that again, something she still feels to this day almost 3 years later. I’m sad for her. It feels like the birth has really traumatized her. I wish I could explain it. I wish I could make it easier for her to remember that time. I’m not sure what I wish really and I’m not judging anybody who was responsible for her care. I don’t know what happened in that delivery room.. I know that it profoundly affected my friend… enough to alter her opinion on having more babies in the future. I wish I knew. I wish I understood what was happening that she wasn’t given more of a choice – that no attempt was made to give her a little dignity. I know it may sound naive to all you who have been through this ordeal, but maybe that’s my problem. I’m naive on this issue. I wish I wasn’t
I kept the excited /exhausted answerphone message where Mr. B announced my God daughter’s arrival in the inbox for a year and a half until the phone died. Sentimental old fool ain’t I?