Annnd finally we come to it the reason I’ve been digging up all these stories, giving you all this background information in the hopes that when I tell you what I have to say you won’t immediately back away alarm bells ringing, grab your cell phone and call the men in white coats to take me away while at the same time screaming YOU’RE LOSING YOUR MIND ALI … THATS CRAZY!! Your eyes so wide in shock that I might as well have told you I used to be a man or some other such secret worthy of a roll on the floor with one of Jerry Springer’s oh so yummy bouncers…. mmm baby!
You see, internet, I’ve been keeping a secret and, well, actually for a long while I myself thought I was totally insane and was trying very hard to push it away hoping that eventually this thought would forget about me and move on…. but it did not and now I just can’t keep the secret ANYMORE. It’s killing me. I have got to tell you. Whoo boy I am so scared.
I want to be a midwife! There, I said it. Crazy isn’t it? Here’s me, an infertile recovering from abuse, piecing myself back together and I’m telling you that I want to surround myself with that one thing I can’t reach. Yes, sometimes I agree with you. I think I may very well be insane and setting myself up for future heart ache. Certainly, it’s true that working in this field will only bring me face to face with what my body can’t do. I’ll be opening the door of motherhood for others while knowing that I can’t walk through. Sometimes that’s going to break my heart.
And yet I can’t let the thought go. I truly want to do this. I feel a need to. The way I think of it, I have this thing wrong with me. It’s going to hurt whatever I do. I can’t run away from it. There’s no hiding place, so I may as well turn and face it. Yes sometimes being a midwife will only show me all the things that are wrong with my body, but at the same time I’d have the opportunity to learn all about this thing I’ve been so curious about for years. I could get some of my questions answered and I could spend my career making sure that those who are able to do that “knocked up” thing can have the most positive experience possible. I truly think I could make a good advocate for a mum to be and the baby she carries. I believe I can be objective and not allow my own situation to cloud my judgment. Knowing that I could make a difference to women/couples/families at this exciting time of their lives makes me so excited. I’d feel privileged and proud of myself and I do believe it would bring me buckets of joy, as if this choice would break my heart and somehow hold all the pieces together.
Any woman could train as a midwife and discover she’s infertile after the fact. At least I know where I am up front. I know its not always going to be easy. Maybe sometimes the hard thing is the right thing?
I have vaguely thought about this career path before in my life, back when I was in high school – right after I had made subject choices that excluded any science subject, so I just dismissed the thought and moved on. Well not I guess. I’ve had more time to get to know the NHS – more reasons to take an interest in women’s health – and I figure I’m starting from nothing. I don’t have a career I can go back to. I’m not tied to one place in terms of where I’m living. I don’t have family commitments. Seen as I’m starting this rebuild basically from scratch, I have a perfect opportunity to change direction… and hay I might as well aim high.
I’m aiming to train as a midwife.
Pheww… feels good to have said it. Almost the same relief I felt when I told some of my RL friends about the fertility thing. I came out of the infertility closet for them and now I’m coming out of the midwifery closet here…
I guess this kind of puts me in an odd place. An infertile who’s blog might be riddled with pregnancy stories, pregnancy discussion, or whatever. I’m not exactly sure yet. Please know that I don’t mean to upset anybody. I totally understand if you don’t want to read, but this is my space and I really just want to be able to talk about all parts of my life as an infertile wanna-be midwife ..
Are you making that call yet? Do I hear yelling?? I’m telling you right now I shall point blank REFUSE any invites from Jerry… unless he’s gonna pay for vacation time in Chicago 😛