The revelation.

Annnd finally we come to it the reason I’ve been digging up all these stories, giving you all this background information in the hopes that when I tell you what I have to say you won’t immediately back away alarm bells ringing, grab your cell phone and call the men in white coats to take me away while at the same time screaming YOU’RE LOSING YOUR MIND ALI … THATS CRAZY!!  Your eyes so wide in shock that I might as well have told you I used to be a man or some other such secret worthy of a roll on the floor with one of Jerry Springer’s oh so yummy bouncers…. mmm baby!

You see, internet, I’ve been keeping a secret and, well, actually for a long while I myself thought I was totally insane and was trying very hard to push it away hoping that eventually this thought would forget about me and move on…. but it did not and now  I just can’t keep the secret ANYMORE. It’s killing me. I have got to tell you. Whoo boy I am so scared.

I want to be a midwife! There, I said it. Crazy isn’t it? Here’s me, an infertile recovering from abuse, piecing myself back together and I’m telling you that I want to surround myself with that one thing  I can’t reach. Yes, sometimes I agree with you. I think I may very well be insane and setting myself up for future heart ache.  Certainly, it’s true that working in this field will only bring me face to face with what my body can’t do. I’ll be opening the door of motherhood for others while knowing that I can’t walk through. Sometimes that’s going to break my heart.

And yet I can’t let the thought go. I truly want to do this.  I feel a need to. The way I think of it, I have this thing wrong with me.  It’s going to hurt whatever I do.  I can’t run away from it.  There’s no hiding place, so I may as well turn and face it.  Yes sometimes being a midwife will only show me all the things that are wrong with my body, but at the same time I’d have the opportunity to learn all about this thing I’ve been so curious about for years. I could get some of my questions answered and I could spend my career making sure that those who are able to do that “knocked up” thing can have the most positive experience possible. I truly think I could make a good advocate for a mum to be and the baby she carries. I believe I can be objective and not allow my own situation to cloud my judgment. Knowing that I could make a difference to women/couples/families at this exciting time of their lives makes me so excited.  I’d feel privileged and proud of myself and I do believe it would bring me buckets of joy, as if this choice would break my heart and somehow hold all the pieces together.

Any woman could train as a midwife and discover she’s infertile after the fact. At least I know where I am up front. I know its not always going to be easy. Maybe sometimes the hard thing is the right thing?

I have vaguely thought about this career path before in my life, back when I was in high school –  right after I had made subject choices that excluded any science subject, so I just dismissed the thought and moved on. Well not I guess. I’ve had more time to get to know the NHS – more reasons to take an interest in women’s health – and I figure I’m starting from nothing. I don’t have a career I can go back to. I’m not tied to one place in terms of where I’m living.  I don’t have family commitments. Seen as I’m starting this rebuild basically from scratch, I have a perfect opportunity to change direction… and hay I might as well aim high.

I’m aiming to train as a midwife.

Pheww… feels good to have said it. Almost the same relief I felt when I told some of my RL friends about the fertility thing. I came out of the infertility closet for them and now I’m coming out of the midwifery closet here…

I guess this kind of puts me in an odd place. An infertile who’s blog might be riddled with pregnancy stories, pregnancy discussion, or whatever. I’m not exactly sure yet. Please know that I don’t mean to upset anybody. I totally understand if you don’t want to read, but this is my space and I really just want to be able to talk about all parts of my life  as an infertile wanna-be midwife ..

Are you making that call yet? Do I hear yelling??   I’m telling you right now I shall point blank REFUSE any invites from Jerry… unless he’s gonna pay for vacation time in Chicago 😛

Ali xX

8 thoughts on “The revelation.

  1. I don’t think you’re crazy at all! I think it’s an amazing career choice. I also, think you can do this. You’ll be a very caring and compassionate midwife. I can’t wait to follow you down this road and cheer you along on your journey. I’m so very proud of you, Ali!

  2. Congratulations! I’ve had thoughts about this myself, but ultimately realized that i do not have the personality type to be a midwife. I’m not that strong calming presence that I suspect a laboring woman would need.

  3. I think its wonderful! You are so willing to learn and so compassionate for others. Yes, there will be some tough moments, but maybe this is what you were meant to do in life. I can’t wait to hear all about your journey!

  4. ALI- I am so proud of you for saying this out loud! I think it is totally awesome that you put it out there.

    I don’t find it odd, crazy or weird at all – I think sometimes that the paths we end up taking in life have many places they can end – Some expected and some unexpected.

    I am sure you didn’t think given everything you have gone through that this is something you would still feel so strongly about but yet here you are.

    Go with your heart – I know you will be fabulous in whatever you do!

    HUGS and CHEERS to you!

  5. I started a bachelor of Nursing & Midwifery but quit after the first semester and my 3rd early loss. There were other reasons as well (changes to insurance making it impossible to work as an independent midwife where I live), I know I could be an awesome midwife but with infertility it’s too hard for me to do. You’re a stronger woman than I am. Good luck. 🙂

  6. I think it is a lovely idea – in fact if I could dial back 10 years I’d join you because it would be my career of choice!

    Well done you 🙂

    Plus, telling the ‘tinternet makes it real doesn’t it?


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