I had a terrible week last week. It was like back tracking at the speed of light. I just didn’t feel right and spent a good portion of most days in bed or slobbing about on the sofa with no reasonable excuse other than the odd aches and pains. I have no idea what the reason for this complete backwards slide but motivation deserted me only to be replaced by mild panic at best and actual fear of the world outside my home at worst. It sucked and as a result I let others down and I hate that I didn’t make any of my three shifts in the Red Cross charity shop and even had to send Kayak Man over there to make excuses… aherm… let them know. I felt totally unable to attend either of my First Aid meetings aswell. Yep, last week I kept to precisely zero of my commitments. I’m not happy about the situation seen as I also stopped eating correctly and as a result missed some doses of my medication. Talk about being in a hole with a shovel still digging. How on earth can I expect the situation to improve if I’m not getting the right meds? Sometimes I feel like my mind just wanders off and last week it was defiantly on vacation.
This week is much better, thank goodness. Yep, I’m doing all my shifts in the store. the bad news is I’m having serious sleep issues. In fact as I write this, I’ve gone a total of four days with no more than two or three hours of sleep. Despite actually eating proper meals I feel weak and a little shaky. This caused me to totally flunk my First Aid course AGAIN last night. That’s two assessment weeks in a row I’ve messed up and as a result I will have to wait till the next course starts and take the whole thing again. On the plus side, at least by the time I get done I might actually know what I’m doing and not just enough to scrape by in an assessment situation… and to be fair I did join this current course half way through anyway so maybe its all for the best. I need to sleep. Really really need. My body knows this. I’m exhausted. I sit here finding it hard to focus or keep my eyes open. I’ve tried reading but I can’t concentrate on letters on the page long enough to form them into words or sentences. I watch TV on the couch… you know when you’re hearing this but not really listening. I feel like I’ve been in that type of daze for 2 days and STILL as soon as I get in bed my eyes pop open and the cogs in my brain start turning so fast I swear there must be smoke coming out my ears… maybe my nostrils too. I’m exhausted but for some reason my brain REFUSES to give in and GO TO SLEEP! You see… when I get myself in this mess I can’t stop talking. I talk about the most random senseless stuff. It’s like I’m streaming my thoughts for all to hear. It’s disjointed and jumping around from topic to topic with no warning about changing the subject. I’d imagine it’s pretty annoying for those around me and I know its getting worse when more than one person has told me “Ali you really need to get some rest”. I KNOWWWW … any ideas where my power down switch might be? Now, usually, I have something bothering me… some event or conversation or person that’s just getting under my skin and I worry and stress and it eats at me and so I can’t slip off to dreamland but honestly I have no clue what it could be this time. None. I don’t feel stressed, actually. Compared to last week, I’m positively upbeat with my eyes focused on the future and my goals. No idea what’s going on. None. I hope I figure it out soon – Gadget Guy is starting to tell me I need to go see somebody about this and perhaps think about some more medication. Whooo it’s bad when he starts talking like that, as if I’m not a walking rattling pill box already ..
Desperately seeking zzz’s