A little lost .

People change. People grow. They move on. Live their lives. Circumstances get in the way and friendships change, evolve.  People grow closer together and drift apart like the coming and going of a wave on the shore.  It happens. It’s part of human existence. I guess it can’t be helped, but you know whatever the reason: the loss of a close relationship is always sad and however bad the circumstances of the spilt usually, I find myself mourning for the closeness I once enjoyed or perceived existed between me and the other person and I find it so hard to let them go. Ok in some cases they have already all but left my life of their own accord and it takes a while for me to figure out what’s happening.

Things are changing a lot for me recently and even though I’m thrilled at the progress I have to admit at feeling melancholy for what’s been lost along the way. Twice recently I have found myself mulling over my relationships with someone who had held a special place in my heart and pondering what direction I need to take…

A close friend who I use to tell everything to, pretty much. We shared the ups and downs of life’s dramas and had many many laughs, giggles and hours of fun doing it. We would talk for hours. Our lives took different directions and I began to open my eyes and wonder if she really held me with the same high regard and care that I had for her. you know when the person starts making excuses to leave – or worse – walking away from an IM conversation saying she’ll brb and just not returning, you start to wonder. I used to wrack my brains about it and worry to the point of making myself sick that I was doing something wrong, that it was me. Somehow I was making her reject me. But you know I don’t actually think I said anything too terrible… although I have to admit to being honest about things that maybe where not my place to say. However IF you ask for my opinion/advice, you’re gonna get my honest thoughts. Respond to them as you wish. After a while I started to realize that the level of drama in my life was significantly reduced. There was so much tension between two of my friends that they could barely tolerate the mention of the others name. Mistreatment and aggravation between them left me walking on egg shells, wondering what the heck happened to the times we spend all together laughing ourselves silly till the wee hours of the morning. I cared about these two so much. They were both like family and for a while I was refusing to walk away from either one and very trapped in the middle, pulling my hair out and running round in circles trying to make everyone happy. You know that is NEVER possible… and still we try. I tried till my head hurt. My heart felt ripped in two and I was routinely throwing up  and shaking after time together… and I could do no more… and it still all fell apart around me. So there’s a lesson for ya.

After the crisis point i tried separating the two, trying hard not to get into discussion with one about the other… ech I suck at that. I would always say or do the wrong thing and suddenly it was my fault that the two of them couldn’t patch things up. If only I’d said this… done that… gah whatever!

This person has made some choices in life that baffle me. I don’t understand. I’m confused and to begin with, I was angry and upset with her. I couldn’t go on pretending everything was ok. Things got more and more strained when we were together. We both moved away from the thing we had in common in massively different directions. I guess once that happened we began to see that, other than this one thing we were no longer doing, we actually have very little in common in terms of interests, tastes, values even maybe. Sadly, now when we talk we hardly seem to know what to say… and conversation that once flowed freely dries up in a matter of minutes. I strongly suspect we both may be paying lip service to each other because of the bond that once existed between us. I feel maybe I should move on. But gawd I miss the laughs we once had. I’m left wondering if we were ever as close as I thought we were and I know for sure that even though I may walk away I gave her a piece of my heart and she will always have it. May she find happiness, love and security and may karma royally screw over the person that hurts her three times more than they deserve.

This rather abrupt parting of the ways – the fundamental differences… the reasons we are no longer in that place we once were… I get that. I don’t like it, but I do understand.

Sometimes change just happens so slowly, so subtly, so quietly, that you don’t really see it till your toes are hanging over the edge of the huge fucking crater that’s now between you. I understand what happened. It’s that I used to show this person most of my soul – all the pieces. I was mortified that someone might one day expose the things I had locked away from everyone. I freely gave this person access to and I still don’t really know why. Most of the cracks, flaws, insecurities, hopes, dreams… everything. Somehow I felt that our friendship really worked. But I’m guarded again now. The trust thing between us is all but gone.

I’m sad for what has been lost along the way for promises I no longer feel will be kept. There’s no anger or bitterness… just a sad shrug and a search for the way forward.

Ali xX

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