I’m having an infertile day today. Uh huh, yeah I know. I’m always infertile but some days you just feel it more than others. Today is one of those days where for some reason I’m just irritated by the whole thing. I want to throw in the towel. I want the world to leave this part of me well alone for 5 minutes please! I’m entirely sick of opening my inbox to find bright happy smiling baby faces trying to entice me to buy some Bugaboo stroller. Bugabugger off – I don’t need a stroller and the five adverts you send me a day are NOT gonna change that. TRUST ME. If it would, I’d fill my house with flipping strollers ok… seriously anonymous spammer listen to me… I have more chance of persuading Kayak Man that we need that last enlargement gadget you were offering than actually bringing home a baby that would need a stooopid stroller. Why don’t you just come over here and mention the words penis and enlargement while looking in KM’s direction so that when I’m picking up your remains off the sidewalk with a teaspoon maybe you’ll understand NEVER GONNA HAPPEN and take me off your list!
And that leads me to another thing. A close friend recently came out with this little gem…”You could still get pregnant… you just don’t know.”
Excuse me while I put my head in a pillow and scream so that the infertile hulk inside me does not escape wanting to rip your head off just to get you to QUIET. It’s ok I’ll be back with you in a minute… just gotta give that crazy pained part of me another tranquilizer. We’ll just pretend you did not just say that to me and things will carry on just like before. No harm no foul no big deal…*gritted teeth grin*
You’re right… I don’t know. I can’t see into the future. I’m no mystique. I don’t know. I may one day have a child. Heck if there’s a real miracle I may even get pregnant… maybe… just the same as you might get hit by a bus tomorrow (not that I’m hoping or anything ) or win the lottery on Wednesday but your not gonna pin your hopes on it… ARE YOU? If you were upset about your money worries and I casually told you its ok you might still win the lottery you never know… you think I was at best rude and insensitive at worse delusional and crazy… you might laugh but if the worries are THAT bad you probably wouldn’t on the balance of probability not gonna happen.
So here’s the thing: if by some amazing wonderful hit the jackpot style luck at some point in my life I wind up pregnant… or… heavens actually have a child that calls me mum… I’ll be the first one jumping for joy and you can tell me “I told you so” or “I always knew it would happen” a billion times over and I won’t care! Chances are I’ll be too busy looking at my child’s face or playing some kids game and I won’t really pay attention… or better yet the laughter and smiles will have you so drawn into our world that you will forget what it was you were going to lecture me about.
But until then …I’m looking at the facts and trying to find a way to deal with the more likely situation that I’ll be living child free not by choice and I don’t wanna spend large amounts of time hoping or looking for some way… or thinking that the doctors must have made some mistake because it kills me inside. I can’t deal with it and I’ll waste away into a crying mess in the corner, looking at the hole in my heart instead of a smiling child’s face…
So I deal with it this way: I live believing that children (ok I should add children of my own here) are an impossibility in this life anyways and I choose to try and move on knowing that and having some form of VERY uneasy acceptance and trying to make a new life – one that’s so much different than what I pictured. I’m finding a way to cope with the worst case scenario here. If fate chooses somehow to surprise me, I’ll throw a frikkin’ party and send you an invite. UNTIL THEN… no more of this “you could still get pregnant” talk because for one thing it feels like your dismissing the problem as if I told you I cut my knee or I didn’t like my new haircut and that if I just do all the things you’ve read about it has to turn out ok. I’ve got news for you fertile friend THIS does not always turn out OK. Unfortunately the ability to conceive and give birth to a healthy child is a privilege and not a right..
And that second reason… don’t fill my head with images of me pregnant because they break my heart… and I can’t cope. I feel so fragile. You’ll walk away thinking you’ve given me hope when actually you just touched something really painful and left me crying when you’re not looking because I’m too proud to cry in front of you…and I don’t wanna put this on you… and I’m not sure you’d understand even if I did.
Thanks for listening