I feel the need to add a few little comments after my last… aherm… bitter emotional outburst. First, let me say that I totally understand that when folks say these “you could still get pregnant ” and ” you just never know ” things to me I know it is usually said because that person cares about me in some way and its meant with the best of intentions. In the last post, the bitterness/anger comes across as directed at them when really all it is frustration and pain and the fact of my own body’s malfunction and infertility. My friends in no way set out to hurt me and it’s not really them I’m angry at. I think in a way that’s one of the things that is so hard about this. There is nobody to take the blame and if there’s nobody at fault then of course there is nobody who can make it a little better with an apology and a promise not to do it again.
VERY simple things in life work like this. Someone is wronged, they get mad/upset /bitter, the person at fault apologizes and tries to rectify the situation in some way, anger sort of fades, and people accept what’s happened and move on.
Infertility is ANYTHING BUT simple and right now it feels more like this to me. Something has hurt me, smashed my most precious possession (my dreams for the future) into pieces and left me with a pile of fragments on the floor that somehow I have to try and put back together by making increasing difficult decisions. Like the world’s worst jigsaw and what’s more no instructions were left behind. I’m mad/upset/bitter but there’s nobody to blame… no one who can explain WHY this happened to me or what I did to deserve it. It just happened and now I have to live with it, seen as I won’t get an explanation or an apology and I have no idea if this thing will ever be rectified. My anger, my upset, doesn’t really fade. I can’t forgive and move on if there’s nobody to blame, so instead I accept that sometimes infertility will make me LIVID… will have me cry my eyes out or want to scream because all I can do is live each day as it comes and some days accepting the situation is much easier than others.
Sometimes I just have to VENT that emotion and rather than maul some unsuspecting friend with a tirade of emotional outburst and a flood of tears, I vent here on my blog because here it feels safe to do so. There’s a lot less chance I’ll hurt someone who is NOT to blame and more than that they are actually TRYING to help me even if I feel like its backfiring a little.
You know what makes it even better? Here in this bloggy world of mine, there are others like me trying to put the pieces back together. Others sharing their stories and experiences giving and receiving support and friendship. It’s amazing. It’s like one huge collective effort to write that missing instruction book “How to cope when infertility makes it all go wrong.” I’m so grateful for the support and hugs and messages I receive here. Please know that I’ve not been hurt by any of you. There has been no foot in mouth situations (glances in Beautiful Mess’s direction) none. Sometimes my emotions just run away with me and the irrational infertile hulk comes out of hiding and stomps all over the page like a bear with a sore head. It’s a part of me I don’t like that I’m trying to control/find a cure or solution for. But seen as the only cure that comes to mind is a child or one hell of a loooooooong time, I reckon the monster is planning on hanging out for a while. My bad. I’m sorry
This whole refusal to live hope. the way I just don’t allow myself to contemplate and cling on to images of me pregnant or as a mum is just my way of coping right now… the way I’ve been able to rewire myself for a while so I can try to rebuild my life. It’s not the only way of coping. Heck I’m not sure if its a good way of coping. I’m sure there are a good few of you thinking I’m pretty weird or that I’m doing it all wrong and that’s ok. If you have any better ideas, pleeeeeease share. I’m open to all suggestions. At the end of the day everyone has to find their own way. This is kinda sorta maybe working for me right now, so I’m gonna just keep doing it till I find something that’s a better option…
I hope you can tell I’m feeling much better today and the hulk is nowhere to be seen.Thanks for all your help with that 🙂