Yesterday was Father’s Day – a day which I like to avoid much more than Mother’s Day, which for an infertile is saying a lot. I don’t want to use this post to moan about the situation my dad’s in or what has happened to me in the past because, well, even though I’m still trying to get over it it’s probably better if I don’t dwell there.
I don’t specifically miss having my father in my life for many reasons, but I do miss having a dad – a supportive, guiding one that could make me see sense and give me a hug when things go wrong in that way only dads can. It sucks that my dad will never be proud of his daughter and it really blows that if I became a parent I’d be doing my damnedest to make sure my kids had a childhood so far removed from mine, without really having an example to follow.
Most of all, the dad void SUCKS. When it comes to that “W” word I’m afraid to say, you see, there’s this very specific role for a father on that one special occasion in a girl’s life and when he is missing or absent it causes all kinds of turmoil trying to decide how to fill that gap. My mother insists it should be my grand father as he is “head of the family”. Hmm not sure I really ever understood this head of the family thing anyways… unless your referring to the mafia type family in which case he’s the guy with all the respect money and hired guns that everybody is scared shitless around right? Now I love my grandfather but he does not fit this head of the family type in my eyes and we’re not really super close. I’d even go so far as to say I might be more scared shitless of the “W” event than I ever would be of this vegetable-growing science-loving one time hill walking man from Scotland (see… that he grows things .. REALLY understands science and walks up hills for FUN… are you getting how not alike we are?). To be perfectly honest I don’t think he’s ever seen me nervous before and I’m pretty sure I might scare him if anything.
My brother is the next suggestion. Well sure, except for some reason the fact that he’s younger than me makes me feel odd about it and we spent most of our childhood apart so even though I’m closest to him in all my family… still not what you would call tight.
My Dad’s brother … well if it’s not my Dad, this makes some kind of sense and really my uncle an his family are super cool and I’d like to be more in touch with them.
You see my dilemma… and the truth is if I’m really honest with myself there are two people in this world I would love to ask … neither of them are listed above and neither of them are EVEN related to me but they have been there for me for years each of them in their own way at different times of my life they have guided, helped, hugged and even chastised me when I should have/could have done better. Both these men have seem me at my worst and still stood by me and in my heart I want them there… because I care for them and I think they have earned this so called honor. Oh and because they have a shot at keeping me from thinking about how mad I am that my dad ain’t there and freaking out. I just know that doing that will raise a bunch of eyebrows, confuse and possibly upset the family … and and…
uugh the whole situation has hassle written all over it… and this is why I have such trouble with the “W” word.
Maybe my mother is right and there’s no point in even doing the getting hitched thing seen as we can’t have kids together anyways. But that’s a whole other story…
Happy Fathers Day … I say this not to fathers but to all of the Dad’s – the ones who really care and bust it for their kids. The ones who live in hope because their kids haven’t arrived yet… and finally the two guys who have sort of stepped in and occupied the dad void for me. You all ROCK !
Yeah it’s a day late. So shoot me 😛