It’s happened: I got my first negative comment. I have chosen not to publish it because, well, this is my blog and while I will accept that you are entitled to you own opinions and that you are free to disagree with me. i will not publish things that are down right hurtful and will cause me irritation to read them over and over.
Here’s the jist: this person believes that it’s strange to have all my life events mixed up together and not just talk about infertility here, seen as apparently I have an infertility blog. Furthermore, said commenter wants to know how I have the right to call myself infertile when I’m not TTC with Kayak Man and I only have PCOS. That’s the basics.
So let me address this: I’m not trying to pick a fight. I have not been over to said commenter’s blog to respond, but I do wish to say a few general things.
First off, I do not have an infertility blog per se. I have Ali’s blog – it’s about me; all the things I get up to; the hopes I have, the upset, the emotion, and anything I choose to talk about. Oh also my struggles trying to keep to the master plan and improve my life. It just so happens that I am infertile and this unsurprisingly bothers me a lot and causes me pain, upset and frustration which I choose to talk about here on my blog because it’s easier than talking to someone face to face, and it helps me to write this stuff down and stop it going round in my head driving me slowly nuts. I don’t wish to only talk about my infertility here because, well, for one, seen as I have been upfront about the fact that I am not trying to conceive, I believe that while its a part of my life that affects me. I’m not as focused on it as someone going through the heartache of TTC. Secondly, if all I did was show up here to rant when infertility was pissing me off, well this would be a pretty angst ridden place full of pain and depression and frankly it wouldn’t be a good picture of me. It’s helpful to me to look back on this old blogy thing and realize that not all my days are bad ones and so I will continue to write about the good things, the boring things… and the infertility stuff. Please feel free to move on. I’m not demanding that you continue to read or if you only want to read about infertility and the way if affects me, feel free to follow that tag and ignore the rest. I promise not to take offence.
I find the assumption that I am not infertile interesting and in truth a little offensive. Yes, I grant you I am not TTC at this point in time and the only issue I have talked about on here so far has been my PCOS, but I think judging somebody’s infertility or not based on a few posts on a blog is naive and insensitive. Kind of like those people who tell infertiles “its God’s Will”, or “it will happen if you just relax” or other such things. The truth is I call myself infertile because my care team has told me that is my reality. I have severe PCOS. Yes I also have a heart issue that makes carrying a baby to term at the very least dangerous and maybe impossible. Somebody in the medical profession who has all the facts / tests / information in front of them has handed me this label that says infertile and if you don’t mind I will continue to believe that they know what they are talking about. Here’s the thing: on my blog I talk about my life as it is now; my situation currently as I write. I wonder how you think you know enough about me from 4 short months to feel that you can call me a liar about such a sensitive subject. I have lived 26 years before I wrote a word on here. I don’t talk about the past – about the pregnancy tests I have taken, or the two years before I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was so desperate to conceive a child I cried myself to sleep most nights, and was plagued with nightmares about someone stealing my baby from my arms, or my father punching me in the stomach and causing me to miscarry. I have not spoken about the pregnancy I lost in the first few weeks at age 19 and the guilt I felt at the time. I do not dwell on the fact that my diagnosis with PCOS and subsequent infertile realization was the main factor in a relationship break down, or some of the difficult medical choices I have had to make without much of a family support system. I don’t wish to drag up the past and I don’t want my blog to become one long sob story, but it’s a little short sighted to assume you know the whole story and it’s hurtful.
I think this kind of point scoring is just sad. I realize that there are many many people who are further down this infertility road than me who have suffered more heart ache and injustice who are coming to terms with more grief because of loss, and my heart aches for them. Maybe they do deserve a baby more than me and they certainly should not have to listen to me complain. All I have to offer them is my sympathy, hugs, prayers and a heartfelt wish that they will see their dreams come true. If I visit their blogs, that is exactly what I try to express in my old small way.
But infertility hurts me too and I should be allowed to talk about it here. I’ve spent my whole life wanting to be a mother and having to replace that dream with something else is hard no matter how long the journey before you have to make that choice. It’s easy to think that infertility has no effect on me as me and KM are not trying for a child, but you try looking at the man you love as he tells you how much he wants to have children knowing that you are the reason that dream will in all probability never come true for him… or watching his nephew giggle his ass off because of something his uncle the funny man did… or listening to him calmly explaining to this toddler why we have the moon… or why it’s raining and when will the snow be back… or what the exact date will be that he’ll be a man. KM would be a fantastic father and yet he’s willing to give that up to be with me but he shouldn’t have to. I feel guilty that he does. I’m reluctant to commit to him because I truly believe it’s not fair and that he should move on and find someone who can give him a family because, after all, there is no evidence that he is touched by infertility.
Attacking me and my hurt or saying that I have no right to call myself infertile does not achieve anything. It won’t make your journey easier. I can’t take the pain away. It won’t make you any more able to have a child. I wish I could give the gift of healthy pregnancy to anybody who is travelling on this road regardless of how far along you are. Infertility always sucks. Nobody should be made to feel ashamed for their feelings and the emotions they go through on their personal journey… at least that’s what I believe. Maybe I am wrong. If I have offended – I am sorry because truly all I want to do is offer some support and comfort and up until now I have received noting but support in return. If I visit somebody’s home and I can’t think of anything nice to say then I keep my mouth shut. I guess I feel the same way about leaving hurtful comments on someone else’s blog.
For my part, I will carry on writing and just being me. Feel free to ignore me, but if you are so inclined, company is always welcome… because life can be a lonely road.