Ever since our babysitting trip on Friday, something is not quite right with my Kayak Man. He seems sullen and really a bit depressed. In fact, I even witnessed him crying but we won’t tell anyone about that now, will we internets… because he does not like people to know that he cries real tears like the rest of the human race. No he does not.
This is most unusual and rather worrying because, let’s face it, the role of emotional mess is sooo taken care of in this relationship. I got it covered and then some but if there’s one thing worse than crying my eyes out its watching him cry because pah I cry allll the time. KM NEVER cries and when he does it kills me. I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make it all better. Where is his fairy godmother anyways? can someone tell that biotch she’s late.
I knew something was up from the topic of conversation as we walked over to his sister’s. First he starts openly talking about how he’s almost thirty and straight away I’m alll shhhhhhhh we don’t talk about that because I’m only 1 measly year younger than you and and if you’re almost there that means I’m RIGHT BEHIND YOU. AAAHHH! But it gets worse… just as I’m pushing the thought of the big 3-0 out of my brain he goes on to say that he’s technically middle aged. Cue me WHAT Excuse me???? Apparently this conclusion was reached by him taking the average life expectancy for a bloke (currently 76 in the UK according to good old Google), dividing this figure by three puts him just into the second third of his life and therefore he deduces just into Middle Aged!!!!!! OK see, at this point It’s all I can do to keep listening and not freak the heck out. I …*I* am not ready to contemplate this label yet, I can tell you that for nothing. He assures me its ok I have a few years to go as female life expectancy is actually higher (currently 81 – goggle is my friend ) Pheeeewww. I breathe a sigh of relief . We said no more about it the rest of the way, but I was quietly left thinking that KM needs a job or something to do soon as he has far too much time on the couch to think about these things apparently.
I thought it was over, but I was not so lucky. Today he opens the conversation again stating that right now he feels about ten years behind his life plan. You know where he thought he’d be age thirty. Whooo Boy… tell me about it. I mean at one point in time I literally thought life would be worthless after 40 (sad but true). I figured by thirty… well lets just say I didn’t think I’d be where I am now.
I feel for the guy. I do. I mean currently we still live in a house owned by his mother. His parents are instrumental in supporting him/us financially (to be fair here, KM did work for several years and went back to college full time because his parents suggested it and offered financial help). Currently we are both desperately looking for work; he after three years out at college and me after almost 3 years out sick. (Yikes its hard to type that). Right now life seems hard and so far from what we both imagined. And that’s before you even get into all the “I wanted to have kids by now ” heartache.
I’m so proud of him for going back to college and trying to better himself/his prospects/his future… whatever. I desperately want to follow his example by returning to uni next year. Both of us are working at getting to a place we want to be. There’s even the potential of major change /relocation next year, something that we both are aiming for, so it’s not all bad… but sometimes it feels like wading through treacle. It’s hard going and KM seems a little bogged down and stuck. Well I guess in all honesty we both are in a bit of a funk at the moment, but I’m hoping he can catch a break soon because… he’s a proud guy, he’s been through a lot and built his self esteem up from a very low point. He deserves it. He needs it.
Is this what they call a quaterlife crisis hmmm??!!?