Little lies and angel eyes.

I’ve not told anyone before, but I believe in angels. While many of you may not agree it is this belief that keeps me somewhat sane.  I am just a mother waiting for her time.  It may be that I am not destined to meet my babies in this life but I feel them as part of me. There would not be such a hole inside if nothing was meant to fill it. My heart would not ache so. I am incomplete, and yet now the dust has settled for a time and I am not presently languishing in despair at the bottom of a crater left by the meteor infertile, but rather standing above looking down as a tourist who surveys the Grand Canon in awe.   I wonder if the pieces are out there somewhere to fill this gap. I can’t see or grasp them.  I have no idea when, if, or how they will appear, but I have this feeling… and perhaps a little faith.

If you believe that those who have touched our lives and gone to a better place can be watching over us, guard us, guide us in the whispers of your conscience or the pull of your intuition.  That one day we can be together again somewhere that neither pain, nor illness, disability nor injustice can touch us. Then is it not also possible that the souls of those yet to arrive surround us in the same way? My children are with the angels not sleeping but rather yet to awake in this world. I would say they are angels but no child of mine would be angelic… and I’m quite ok with that.

Whatever the reason this burden has been placed on me… who knows. I must learn to be patient and live my life in a way that would make my special spectators proud. Somewhere in heaven mischievous sprits are giggling and giving their angel nanny a rough ride… and in their quiet time when they are behaving and watching the goings on down here with that unique curiosity and sparkle of children’s eyes. I shall give them reason to point at me with a big smile as they whisper… that’s my mommy!

I read this poem written for a child lost and I hope you will not hate me for reposting as a woman who may never see hers arrive:

Ask my mum how she is

My mum, she tells a lot of lies
She never did before
But from now, until she dies
She’ll tell a whole lot more

Ask my mum how she is
And because she can’t explain
She will tell a little lie
Because she can’t describe the pain

Ask my mum how she is
She’ll say that ‘I’m alright’
If that’s the truth, then tell me
Why does she cry each night

Ask my mum how she is
She seems to cope so well
She didn’t have the choice you see
Nor the strength to yell

Ask my mum how she is
‘Im fine, I’m well, I’m coping’
For Gods sake mum, just tell the truth
Just say your heart is broken

She’ll love me all of her life
I love her all of mine
But if you ask her how she is
She’ll lie and say she’s fine

I am here in heaven
I can not hug from here
If she lies to you, don’t listen
Hug her and hold her near

On the day we meet..
We’ll smile and I’ll be bold

I’ll say ‘you’re lucky to get in here mum,
with all the lies you told’

Ali xX

One thought on “Little lies and angel eyes.

  1. I completely agree with you! I think about this often, actually. I wonder if we’re all to have a certain soul. Are we suppose to take care of a soul and ONLY that soul (or those). This soul or angel could come in any form. It could be a child, a dear friend, or like you said, an angle child up in Heaven pointing down at you proudly saying “that’s MY mum!”

    That poem is very beautiful. I can relate to it in a way, especially this week. Not that I’ve lost a child, but I can understand that “I’m fine” part of it.

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