Overdosing on stress and frustration. No, really… it’s making me a horrible person. That, and my frame of mind is taking a dive. I slept for 10 hours last night. 10. Usually I would be happy that I got such a large amount of continuous sleep but it wasn’t the first time this week and it’s starting to become a worrying pattern. You see, previously, this inability to get out of bed and achieve anything constructive has been the first indication of the onset of depression. I do not want to slide back there again. It scares me half to death that I might fall back to that place I can’t pull myself out of on my own. So, any sign I’m sliding back in that direction is NOT Good.
College is pretty much the root of my woes. Our first assessment did not go well at all. I’m counting on a fail grade landing on my desk when we get our results back tomorrow and trying to gear myself up for a make or break resit (We only get 1 resit – its pass or go home). Out of the 20 people in the other class who took this paper the week before us a grand total of 4 passed. 4. Youch. I’ll admit that my revision regime was less than perfect being away from home and staying with a two year old who wants to help you color in your special book or read you a story from the dictionary. lol Bless. Time with Pinkie’s daughter N is good for my soul. She makes me giggle and smile everyday without fail but she does not help me to study. I will do better…
University application. OMG NIGHTMARE. I’ve done everything I can so far. I’m waiting on my tutor to feed back about my personal statement so I can redraft it. E-mailed it a couple of weeks ago and asked about it last week… and I’m still waiting. Waiting is hard. It’s difficult because this form is so important; so much is depending on it. I want to get it right. I need help, advice… guidance. I’m worried about it only because I care about it more than I did last time. I’m honest enough to admit that at 18 I applied because it was the next step everyone at school was applying. But this time I’m not doing it because it’s the done thing. I’m doing it because I WANT it. Oh so bad. Right now, it feels like that form won’t even get sent, never mind actually persuade admissions to give me an interview. Waiting is hard. It’s sooo much harder, given the sheer number of applicants for this course.. Added to that is the form is due at universities… that are already making decisions… sending out dates for interviews… and my form is effectively still on my desk. Waiting is hard… it’s driving me insane. Oh how I long to press that send button… BUT I know then the waiting to hear back will drive me just as crazy. Why did I decide to do this a second time again? *Breathes* Because I believe I would make a good midwife, that’s why… because I am chasing my dream, that’s why… because in the end it could make me happier than I’ve been in years… because I believe nobody should feel unsupported on their journey to parenthood however long and complicated that path may be… but most of all because I am praying that someone will see the passion that I have, make the choice to give me the chance to make a difference to women’s experience of pregnancy and birth. Hoping for progress soon and trying to learn to be patient at the same time.
Why am I a horrible person? KM is getting excited about Christmas already. It’s the middle of November people. Anyways, this year my mother invited BOTH of us for Christmas. I was surprised. She’s making an effort and I appreciate that. We’re also broke and I have to admit planning anything for the festivities wasn’t even on my radar. It seemed easier just to go to mums and let her take care of it. Annnyway… KM wants Christmas at home… like REALLY wants Christmas for us. He promised to make it a good one and EVEN wants to visit mum at New Year as a compromise. I just couldn’t/can’t think past getting this form sent of and my possible resit passed. Let’s just say I was rather short with him yesterday.
Today I woke up to find he’s prepared our Christmas menu. Complete with a list of all the shopping we would need and a budget for how we are going to afford it. With an added note: the jist of which was … I know the last 6 months have been hard I promise to give you a nice Christmas. Please let me……… oh my god … I’m a B.I.T.C.H. !
Patience is a virtue and listening is a skill. I clearly need to practice both.