Drowning.

I’ve been in a funk the last two days. I could tell you its PMS hormones or blame college or visiting my mum for New Year, but the real story is the holidays make me broody or more accurately more broody than usual. It’s a time for families and so magical when there are children around. Each year around this time I have a moment like this pre-2006 a sigh and a moment of sadness that I don’t have a child to pull close to me. It used to be followed by a hopeful wish that my time would come at some point and that the waiting would be worth it. The whole thing would last a few minutes and I’d go back to some festive preparation, shopping, cooking, or contemplating the standard of decor at the local pub. It wasn’t really a big deal and I never felt the need to tell anyone.

I’ve some wonderful memories of Christmas as a couple: the first time we had to buy and decorate our own tree. That year our oven was broken and the turkey didn’t finish cooking till 11pm, hours after everything else. Once we decided to have a duck instead of the traditional turkey. We named him Larry. I spent the whole day in my PJ’s. We’ve been apart for the holiday; to exchanging gifts in a bar quick snatched moment before we went our separate ways and the memory arriving back at College that first year to see this man in his leather biker jacket waiting for me outside my front door looking a tad frozen. I love Christmas with him and after the last couple of years I’m grateful we’re back together for 2009.

Since 2006 I can’t deny that the feelings of regret have grown. I suppose we always realize how much we wanted something just after it is taken away. But, this year it’s different and so hard. I was always sad for what could have been in the future. Now I’m missing something I want NOW. Let me frame this by saying it’s a completely irrational want. We are not in a position where we should bring a child into this world even if we could. It would be stupid and irresponsible and man everyone around us would be mad as hell… but still… I feel like a kid with the blinkered unrealistic Christmas List… you know the one that reads: A baby. Period. Ridiculous.

I know it will pass. Why is it when you think you’re getting over this thing moving on it shows up again packing an extra punch?  I am at a loss. It hurts. It overwhelms. Paralyzes. Drowning in sadness and longing.

I want to just retreat quietly and take some time to regroup and get my emotions in order, but at this time of year when everyone is high on festive spirit, I feel so much pressure to be happy and not just happy but EXTRA joyful because after all its CHRITMAS.  Sigh… the more you draw attention to the gap between how I feel and how you THINK I should feel, I just end up feeling worse. I don’t want to let anyone down…. but you can’t fix this for me. I need to be allowed to feel it. I need space to wrap my head around it.

I will survive …

Ali xX

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