The good news is I am feeling better. Thank you for the love on that meltdown post. Truthfully, though, I enjoyed and would recommend Craig Ferguson’s book. A lot of the issues just hit far to close to home and my dad has been stalking me for the last week or so in my dreams (when I actually have slept) and a recollection of him awake… his touch… uuugh with him and the memories came. So many emotions tangle together in one huge mess that overwhelms, hurts and infuriates me… and the fear. I’m frightened that I really am worthless as he seemed to think. I worry that other people see in me whatever caused him to hate… disrespect… destroy. I know the reality is his actions are a reflection of him and the screwed up mess he got himself into and never came back from. In my weak moments I still feel the need to shoulder the blame. There must have been something I did, something wrong with me. Maybe I could have done something. These questions hang around and eat me alive for a time till I can get his ghost to piss off again and leave me alone.
I’m winning the battle, but this one thing remains: the urge to drink. I’m having a little trouble walking past bars at the moment. I can’t escape his genes; my father and I are cut from the same cloth. I can totally understand what lead him to be over reliant on the poor mans pain killer. I know that urge and the mindset that makes you want to drink till you pass out, just to make everything go away for a while. Been there, done that more than once. When I get in this mood its not him I’m scared off. I’m terrified of myself…
Most of the time I’m in control I can have one or two cocktails get happy giggly fun drunk like a normal person, have a good time and stop. But when those memories are hanging around they get in my head and screw me up. I lose it. I’ve learned in these times I have to fight as hard as I can NOT to touch even a drop… because I won’t stop.
Now some more good news… YES let’s lighten the mood I hear you cry…
I’ve had letters from all but one of the university choices to say they have received my application and its being considered… things are moving along.
I saw “Up in the Air” this week and loved it so much despite not really being a George Clooney fan. I’ll get ‘round to writing about that eventually.
I start volunteering with the infant feeding team at their beast feeding drop in clinic tomorrow. Excited about that – hopefully I’ll learn a lot.
Oh oh AND … pitchers and catchers report in less than a month!! (Feb 19th) BASEBALL IS COMING 😀
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m of to bed because I have to be up early in the morning. I’m not a morning person and I spent tonight babysitting a four year old who is an expert in running rings around me and his uncle KM.
Tired… oh so tired!