So much to do .. so far to go…

Quote: ” So I keep going keep learning… keep trying.”

Annnd it was going so well lol. Do you see posts almost every day for the first three weeks of January and then… nothing.  No talk of the devastating tragedy that is the earth quake in Haiti. No ranting and raving about the new body scanners being installed at airports… and I didn’t even get to the post I promised about George Clooney’s new movie “Up in the Air”.

It all started when I got a letter about a week or so ago inviting me to an interview at one of my chosen university Aaaah I’m so so nervous and I feel like I have so much reading and preparation to do. One week from today my fate will be decided at the very same time I’m getting hammered with college assignments.  We’ve just started an extra class which means another evening in college each week and currently I have three biology assignments on the go and a case study to write for health studies… don’t you hate when that happens? We’ve had vey little to do for a while and them BAM it all comes along  just at the most inconvenient time. I’m getting through it… but blogging kinda got knocked off the radar.

I’m having a bit of a wobble again this week. Well really after I was volunteering at the hospital yesterday during a very sad shift on the delivery suite… will I be strong enough? Will I be skilled enough? 

I just want to support and help I want to be able to do something. Heck sometimes I feel like I would like to take it all away and give birth for someone else. Very strange feeling.

Sometimes the whole thing makes me nervous and that’s worrying the hell out of me. I’m hoping praying that it’s just because right now there is NOTHING I can do.  I’m not trained; I don’t have any actual experiences of being at a birth. So when the odd occasion arises that I see a woman in distress I feel powerless and completely out of my depth.  Hoping this is somewhat normal and that with knowledge and experience it will go away. I can’t help but wonder if I’ll be up to it. I would so hate for even a single woman to suffer a lack of support when she needs it just because I choke.  Or because I think I’m up to the task when I’m just… not.  I found myself last night saying “I just wish I knew I was doing the right thing”…. to which a friend wisely responded “you’ll never be sure”.  It made me laugh but I think he could be right; never going to know for sure if I’m doing the right thing. Sucks, BUT I still feel like I’m meant to do this. I want to. So I keep going keep learning… keep trying.

And I’ll even be back to blogging about it soon…

Ali xX

2 thoughts on “So much to do .. so far to go…

  1. The unknown can be VERY scary. Although, I KNOW you have SO much love and kindness in yourself to give. I have NO doubt you will be able to do the right thing. Even if you stumble, you’ll do it gracefully.

    Good luck with your interview! How exciting!!!!

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