I put it off for as long as I could, but eventually at 1.30 am this morning I had to give in and admit that I would need to pack. I think this is the first time I’m actually dreading crossing the border into Scotland. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to do this…any of it. The funeral is 2.30 pm on Friday, there will be a rosewood coffin, a prayer, one single hymn, some music, my eulogy… I’m going through the list with my mum on the phone like this is just another day, another family event to be negotiated. So numb and detached as there seems to be question after question after question. It’s only when there is finally silence that it hits me all over again… this is my dad!
I hate silence. I’ll fill it with anything, stupid things… sometimes things that make no sense. I have lost count of the number of times Gadget Guy has heard the phrase “I’m TIIIRED”, but I know it’s a lot because even he is getting a little frustrated. But hay as long as his frustration is expressed as some form of noise; it still fills the awful silence.
I am TIRED. So tired I’m starting to irritate myself. I slept for 8 hours last night – a full 8 hours. That’s the first time I’ve done that since this bomb shell was dropped. Still, today I was only in town for a couple of hours and I was practically begging KM to forgo the movie we had planned to see and just bring me home. Weary so weary. The world is so noisy, it’s exhausting. Can’t you people STFU … I’m TIRED.
Can’t cope with noise. Hate silence. What’s a girl to do…
All I want to do is buy a CD. I’m trying to buy this CD. I need this song… I can’t find it oh God I can’t find it… where is it… WHERE THE HELL IS IT… I need that song… NEEED it for my DAD. Great, now I’m crying in the middle of HMV… bloody great. I HATE crying.
Apparently this is part of those life experiences that make grown ups so much wiser than me. You know, I’m not too fussed on being wise. How about you keep wise and make this go away? Nope? Damn.
This is THE hardest thing I’ve done in my life …… and I’ve been through a lot of stuff.
Leaving tomorrow … I will be strong …I will be… I…