Inspire me …

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess .
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye

~ Anon

So now .. we .. carry on ?

Normal life of a kind resumes on Monday: I’m going back to college and back to my volunteering as of next week. Life goes on. It feels weird. This is going to sound really bizarre but it’s almost like I forget, and then someone will say something… or some detail needs my attention and I get reminded all over again. It’s hard, even though I hadn’t seen him in a about 5 years. Even though he is much better off now that he’s no longer suffering. Even though my Dad’s mind left his body a while ago. I keep thinking of him… of what might have been, all the things he will miss, all the things he gave up on. I don’t know whether to be angry with him or pity him and somewhere there is a bunch of guilt that nags at me in my most vulnerable moments.

I still hate silence. Silence leads to thinking… and in my case thinking is never good. These things just go round in my head eating at me…

This weekend I’m at least able to relax a little finally. My last interview for Midwifery was Friday. I think it went ok, but even if it didn’t I still am proud because I got myself together.  I turned up, even though it meant leaving my house just after 6 am.. AND I gave it my best shot.

I thought I was doing alright. I still think I am kind of, but I am still completely worn out. It doesn’t seem to be getting any easier yet. I can deal with a lack of sleep. I know what that feels like; I know that I become more and more crazy as the hours without sleep stack up. This time though it’s sneaking up on me. I feel fine and I honestly believe I’m of sound judgment. I don’t even feel tired… until it HITS me… and I don’t mean a gentle friendly smack on the shoulder. This knocks me out. I can barely move, my brain just refuses to process anything. Zoned out not even hearing KM when he’s right in front of me talking to me…

I suddenly find I’m a mess. In fact I was in this mess when I wrote that last post. Yeah, there should be a rule against using WordPress when I’m sleep deprived. Is it normal that my memory seems to be kind of trashed as well? I don’t know. All I do know is that after that rant I passed out in bed and did not move for 11 hours. Eleven hours of straight uninterrupted sleep is unheard off around these parts… un heard of. 

I needed it. I do feel a little less crazy at this point.

I’m thinking of a holiday…

Letting off steam

For three days not I have been struggling with an essay… an essay I thought I would have at least two weeks to write. Life goes on and I have two interviews tomorrow and Friday. Ugh.

Yeah, if you’re not in the mood to read a rant, this would be your cue to leave because I need to vent. Let me preface this by saying I’ve had some fantastic support over the past few days both from my RL friends and family and everyone out there in bloggy land thank you so much for all your kinds words, prayers and well wishes. They meant a lot to me. However I need to get this off my chest before my brain explodes and I rip some poor innocent bystander a new one.

To whom it may concern:

I could not motivate myself to write this essay thing AT all. In fact, to be honest, I’m not sure why I even wrote it all except that the adults in my life seem to think it would be a good idea. I have an offer of a place to study at my first choice university. I got in. Sooo, whyyy am I causing myself all this extra stress? This interview process is no easy task:  the last one I went to caused me to have a minor panic attack and to throw up after so why am I putting myself through this again – TWICE – for places at universities I am pretty sure I don’t want to go too.

The answer:

1) Because my mother told me too…

 … and she won’t get off my back EVER if I don’t. Clearly if you disagree with this woman you are just STOOPID and wrong.

2)  Because apparently people are allergic to having options taken off some metaphorical table…

… you know I have to chose eventually right? You realize I can’t actually go to all three of these places even if I was lucky enough to get offers. I’m notoriously bad at choosing anything. I really would prefer just to have this choice MADE and move on with all the other things that seem to be piling up around me… like the paperwork I have to do before I can actually start university, like all the college work that’s been racking up while I was away… you know, the work I have to do and pass as part of my conditions of entry.

 3) Because Gadget Guy seems to think not going is some kind of cop out on my part…

… and he’s mopy and depressed right now… so I guess I have this thing about trying to make him proud.

You know, this need for approval from people really sucks. Right now I feel like whatever I do half the world is after my blood. People all over are freaking out that I am getting ill again and seem to think that any choice I make which does not please them is proof of that fact.

You know, maybe I am not feeling altogether well at the moment, but it may have something to do with the fact that I’ve spent the last two weeks hearing about how everything I do is wrong, every choice I make is stupid and immature and how much hard work it is for KM to look after me… how he does such a wonderful job with such a messed up girl… It’s enough to drive me round the bend.

Please note…

KM does a great job and I love him much, but he’s NOT a saint and we look after each other. He’s done some pretty dumb things his week too, ya know (more on this later)

Just say for the sake of argument that I was getting ill again… YELLING about it in my face and generally going out of your way to point out all the ways I am worthless, useless, failing… not to mention humiliating me in public… all these things ARE NOT GOING TO HELP.

I just want some rest… that’s all, some rest; some peace and a little quiet before I get drowned in the mountain of paperwork, essays, exam papers… and legal rubbish that has suddenly become my responsibility. Is that too much to ask? I am still soooo tired. I feel like I’ve aged about 20 years just in the last 2 weeks. Suddenly I have lawyers, investments, financial advisors… and so many choices. I just want a little time to catch my breath, not to mention the fact that I suddenly have all these thoughts, feelings and images of my dad; things I haven’t thought about in years. It’s complicated. It makes my brain hurt and my heart ache… and at times it feels like I’m being suffocated by others opinions of me… I’ve never felt so judged.

I’ve finished the essay. I’m going to the interviews. So how about back off and give the girl some air?

Thanks so much !

Ali xX

Rant over.

Inspire me …. Gone but never forgotten.

Yesterday

I just cant believe your gone
Still waiting for morning to come
When I see if the sun will rise
Without you here by my side
Oooo where we had so much in store

Tell me what is it I’m reaching for
When were through building memories
I’ll hold yesterday in my heart
In my heart

They can take tomorrow and the plans we made
They can take the music that we’ll never play
All the broken dreams
Take everything
Just take it away
But they can never have yesterday
They can take the future that we’ll never know
They can take the places that we said we will go
All the broken dreams
Take everything
Just take it away
But they can never have yesterday

You always choose to stay
I should be thankful for everyday
Heaven knows what the future holds
Or least where the story goes
I never believed it until now
I know I’ll see you again I’m sure
No it’s not selfish to ask for more
One more night one more day
One more smile on your face
But they can’t take yesterday

They can take tomorrow and the plans we made
They take the music that we’ll never play
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away
But they can never have yesterday
They can take the future that we’ll never know
They can take the places that we said we will go
All the broken dreams
Take everything
Just take it away
But they can never have yesterday

I thought our days would last forever
But it wasn’t our destiny
‘Coz in my mind we had so much time
But I was so wrong
No I can believe me I can still find the strength in The moments we made
I’m looking back on yesterday

They can take tomorrow and the plans we made
They take the music that we’ll never play
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away
But they can never have yesterday
They can take the future that we’ll never know
They can take the places that we said we will go
All the broken dreams
Take everything
Just take it away
But they can never have yesterday

~ Leona Lewis

Eulogy.

Dr David Thom

 

As a kid I once asked my dad what was the highest smartest qualification a person could gain. He told me that it was a PhD. Then he casually revealed that he had one on the study of Sea Weed I thought sea weed was pretty silly, not to mention slimy, but I was still impressed. MY DAD WAS THE SMARTEST. He brought me up short by telling me HIS dad was smarter still, because he solved the Rubik cube using a scrap of paper and a pencil.

 He was a dreamer. But not only did he dream, he fought with buckets full of determination, his own flair, bloody hard work, and wry sense of humour. He achieved much more than he ever imagined he would. This working class boy from Perth moved on from playing football on the North Inch to the top of his chosen profession. He travelled the world and got to America just like he always wanted. I am curious about every corner of the globe because of his tales about sitting on his knees at a Japanese restaurant, climbing Aztec ruins in Mexico, or being soaked at Niagara Falls. He gave me my love for baseball, kept his promise to take me to Broadway and so much more besides.

He truly tried to do his best to make things right. I remember one time coming across a huge bunch of flowers on the side in his kitchen. He told me it was from “some guys at work he had to let go” … let me get this straight, you took their jobs and they sent you flowers. Huh? Turns out he’d worked for two weeks to find new positions for the whole team with a rival company.

 He was so proud. Not only of himself, and of me and my brother. He was proud of his brother E, his wife C and of My cousins G and L . He missed his parents so much. His grief was a burden he carried for the rest of his life. I hope he’s found them up there and he has peace.

Dad was a worrier. He used to worry all the time. And when there was nothing to worry about, he would worry that he’d missed something. … We still love you Dad, so stop worrying.

The last time my Dad was able to give me a proper hug, he held me oh so tight and so very quietly whispered “You are amazing.” He believed we were all capable of achieving whatever we set our minds to. He smiled at this four year old who said she was going to be an actress, and he was still smiling at this fourteen year old who said she’d win an Oscar too. He never said the words impossible/wouldn’t/shouldn’t/couldn‘t… I have a different dream now, but I still have a dream, and that’s what’s important to him.

There are plenty of things I could say about a man who somehow lost his way. There are many lessons his life can teach us but each of us here can figure those out without any help from me. I hope I reminded you of the man he was before all that. Underneath all that, because I know he cared deeply about the people in this room. And I bet, up there, always the businessman, he’s already putting in a good word and doing some wheeler dealering on all our behalves.

 My dad was always the speech giver; I’ve seen him do it at work, I’ve heard the stories about him stepping up as best man. He seemed to know just how to hit the nail on the head, to say what needed to be said and still have everyone chuckling with him OR at him. I don’t think he minded. I can just see his cheeky smile and the glint in his eye as he delivered his punch line. I never imagined that the first time my dad would watch me give a speech it would be here like this… I’m sorry dad there’s no punch line.