Letting off steam

For three days not I have been struggling with an essay… an essay I thought I would have at least two weeks to write. Life goes on and I have two interviews tomorrow and Friday. Ugh.

Yeah, if you’re not in the mood to read a rant, this would be your cue to leave because I need to vent. Let me preface this by saying I’ve had some fantastic support over the past few days both from my RL friends and family and everyone out there in bloggy land thank you so much for all your kinds words, prayers and well wishes. They meant a lot to me. However I need to get this off my chest before my brain explodes and I rip some poor innocent bystander a new one.

To whom it may concern:

I could not motivate myself to write this essay thing AT all. In fact, to be honest, I’m not sure why I even wrote it all except that the adults in my life seem to think it would be a good idea. I have an offer of a place to study at my first choice university. I got in. Sooo, whyyy am I causing myself all this extra stress? This interview process is no easy task:  the last one I went to caused me to have a minor panic attack and to throw up after so why am I putting myself through this again – TWICE – for places at universities I am pretty sure I don’t want to go too.

The answer:

1) Because my mother told me too…

 … and she won’t get off my back EVER if I don’t. Clearly if you disagree with this woman you are just STOOPID and wrong.

2)  Because apparently people are allergic to having options taken off some metaphorical table…

… you know I have to chose eventually right? You realize I can’t actually go to all three of these places even if I was lucky enough to get offers. I’m notoriously bad at choosing anything. I really would prefer just to have this choice MADE and move on with all the other things that seem to be piling up around me… like the paperwork I have to do before I can actually start university, like all the college work that’s been racking up while I was away… you know, the work I have to do and pass as part of my conditions of entry.

 3) Because Gadget Guy seems to think not going is some kind of cop out on my part…

… and he’s mopy and depressed right now… so I guess I have this thing about trying to make him proud.

You know, this need for approval from people really sucks. Right now I feel like whatever I do half the world is after my blood. People all over are freaking out that I am getting ill again and seem to think that any choice I make which does not please them is proof of that fact.

You know, maybe I am not feeling altogether well at the moment, but it may have something to do with the fact that I’ve spent the last two weeks hearing about how everything I do is wrong, every choice I make is stupid and immature and how much hard work it is for KM to look after me… how he does such a wonderful job with such a messed up girl… It’s enough to drive me round the bend.

Please note…

KM does a great job and I love him much, but he’s NOT a saint and we look after each other. He’s done some pretty dumb things his week too, ya know (more on this later)

Just say for the sake of argument that I was getting ill again… YELLING about it in my face and generally going out of your way to point out all the ways I am worthless, useless, failing… not to mention humiliating me in public… all these things ARE NOT GOING TO HELP.

I just want some rest… that’s all, some rest; some peace and a little quiet before I get drowned in the mountain of paperwork, essays, exam papers… and legal rubbish that has suddenly become my responsibility. Is that too much to ask? I am still soooo tired. I feel like I’ve aged about 20 years just in the last 2 weeks. Suddenly I have lawyers, investments, financial advisors… and so many choices. I just want a little time to catch my breath, not to mention the fact that I suddenly have all these thoughts, feelings and images of my dad; things I haven’t thought about in years. It’s complicated. It makes my brain hurt and my heart ache… and at times it feels like I’m being suffocated by others opinions of me… I’ve never felt so judged.

I’ve finished the essay. I’m going to the interviews. So how about back off and give the girl some air?

Thanks so much !

Ali xX

Rant over.

2 thoughts on “Letting off steam

  1. Good for you, sweetie! I’m glad you typed all of this out and got it off your chest! I hope it helped and you’re feeling better. I’ll always be here for you. Sending you so much love.
    *HUGS*

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