So now .. we .. carry on ?

Normal life of a kind resumes on Monday: I’m going back to college and back to my volunteering as of next week. Life goes on. It feels weird. This is going to sound really bizarre but it’s almost like I forget, and then someone will say something… or some detail needs my attention and I get reminded all over again. It’s hard, even though I hadn’t seen him in a about 5 years. Even though he is much better off now that he’s no longer suffering. Even though my Dad’s mind left his body a while ago. I keep thinking of him… of what might have been, all the things he will miss, all the things he gave up on. I don’t know whether to be angry with him or pity him and somewhere there is a bunch of guilt that nags at me in my most vulnerable moments.

I still hate silence. Silence leads to thinking… and in my case thinking is never good. These things just go round in my head eating at me…

This weekend I’m at least able to relax a little finally. My last interview for Midwifery was Friday. I think it went ok, but even if it didn’t I still am proud because I got myself together.  I turned up, even though it meant leaving my house just after 6 am.. AND I gave it my best shot.

I thought I was doing alright. I still think I am kind of, but I am still completely worn out. It doesn’t seem to be getting any easier yet. I can deal with a lack of sleep. I know what that feels like; I know that I become more and more crazy as the hours without sleep stack up. This time though it’s sneaking up on me. I feel fine and I honestly believe I’m of sound judgment. I don’t even feel tired… until it HITS me… and I don’t mean a gentle friendly smack on the shoulder. This knocks me out. I can barely move, my brain just refuses to process anything. Zoned out not even hearing KM when he’s right in front of me talking to me…

I suddenly find I’m a mess. In fact I was in this mess when I wrote that last post. Yeah, there should be a rule against using WordPress when I’m sleep deprived. Is it normal that my memory seems to be kind of trashed as well? I don’t know. All I do know is that after that rant I passed out in bed and did not move for 11 hours. Eleven hours of straight uninterrupted sleep is unheard off around these parts… un heard of. 

I needed it. I do feel a little less crazy at this point.

I’m thinking of a holiday…

One thought on “So now .. we .. carry on ?

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