This week my gorgeous goddaughter who we will hence forth name Little Miss Giggles turns 4! Four… FOUR! Where the heck did all them years go, huh? Seems like only yesterday I was holding this wriggling bundle of newness but today I see a beautiful budding ballerina who loves to have her photo taken and has an answer for EVERYTHING just like her mum 🙂 I thought I’d share with you what was in fact my first ever attempt at a blog post before the days of Gadget Guy and his editing. This is how my thoughts spewed out on the day I heard of little miss giggles arrival:
“Totally thrilled this morning to get a voice mail from my mate’s husband, to let me know that she gave birth to a baby girl, last night. (Mum and baby are well, as far as I know.)
This brings me to thinking about my own future, and family I might have. This should be a subject that makes me excited and happy. Unfortunately for me, it does not seem to work like that. I think this is for 2 reasons 1) the fact that for me having babies may not be an option, and 2) we spend so much time complaining at the problems we face in everyday life, I can’t help thinking that its verging on selfish to bring a new life into the world.
The second reason is not so hard to deal with as it occurs to me that, as a general rule, we spend twice as much time thinking about that bad stuff. (I mean, not often that someone phones me to tell me what a great day there having!) I also realize that the days we spend at work, hours that we are delayed on public transport or the dread we feel at the announcement today, that we may not be able to retire ‘til we’re 68, seems bad at the time. It’s nothing to the memories that we collect over the years of places, people, things we have done, and the joy we get from planning our next adventure.
The first reason is a much more personal one, and harder to deal with. Ever since the day when I was told that I have PCOS and may not be able to have children, I have been struggling to come to terms with the fact that I may need to redefine everything about myself. (Still working on this.) Hopefully this is a pain that most of you will never know and I would not wish it on anyone. See, while my partner (yes it was KM) feels a need to make his name last down the generations with some fabulous invention /scheme, I would prefer to be deeply missed by a select few.
I guess I’d rather be the inventor’s mum. (Standing at the back whispering that’s my boy/girl)
So as Little Miss Giggles lives her first full day on this planet of ours, I can put aside my own worries and pain. The world does not seem such a bad place. I mean we all muddle along, so was it not unfair of me, to assume that a new life would not mange exactly the same with its own share of the thrills and spills that life will deal.
As to the course of my own life………………. I guess I’ll have to wait to see what life hands me.
In the meantime I know I will do my best to be an ace godmother”.
Four years later … I’m still waiting to figure out what my future holds… praying that God might see fit to send me a child somehow and trying to carve out a life while we wait. KM is still a crazy schemer: his latest creation is a homemade smoker he fashioned last week with a dustbin. Some days it’s like living with Caractacus Potts, I tell you…
I have to admit though, that while revisiting this post I’m a little taken aback by the pessimistic version of me that would suggest the world is so dire that having children is cruel. Sheesks I must have been having a bad week up until that point. :S … Either that, or maybe I was a tiny bit jealous of the new parents, trying to persuade myself a child-free life really would relieve me of the worry that comes with parenting. Who knows?
I do know that Little Miss Giggles has brought so much joy into the world with her, and she continues to weave her web of giggles and good memories as she grows. Just thinking of her makes me smile. Watching my friends raising a child has given me a respect and a love for them that I did not have before …
I hope little miss never loses that giggle. 😀
Oops I guess I’m guilty of godmother bragging … So proud of that kid!