Inspire me…

“My Wish”

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you’re faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin’ till you find the window,
If it’s cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you’re out there getting where you’re getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God’s grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you’re out there getting where you’re getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you’re out there getting where you’re getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

~Rascal Flatts

Can I have a word …. with my Daddy.

 Dear Dad,

                          Happy Fathers Day. I’ve been thinking of you a lot these past two weeks, seen as everywhere has been plastered with well wishes for fathers and suggestions of gifts I’m supposed to buy you to put a smile on your face :S  The only thing of any use to you now is a promise that I still love you and I’m trying hard to remember and hold on to the good times… trying to hold onto your face, your smile, your laugh… and the promise made to a very young girl that everything would be ok in the end.

It’s hard.  It’s so hard and the few pleasant memories I have feel as if they are fading away.  I’m trying to move on. I want to forgive.  Really. I need to let go of this burden I’ve carried for over ten years now. I wish you were here to show me how.  I’d say Father’s Day is killing me this year, but you know this day has been pulling at the cracks you left in my heart for years ever since the mind of the man I knew completely left his body, since you turned your head away from me in disgust. I knew then that you had left in spirit even if your body was still here to offer me some false hope. I couldn’t bring myself to see you after that moment. I couldn’t cope and for that I am sorry.  I shed so many tears over the years I felt I had no strength left. I fought so hard to hold onto myself and still be loyal to you. I tore myself apart trying to reach you.  I failed.

I want to be the bigger person, but the truth is dad, I’m still mad. I have no idea how anybody could look into their own child’s eyes and do what you did to me and when I see all the people out there despair hoping for children to care for… when I watch a new father look into his baby’s eyes I do everything to shut you out because the thought of what you did makes me physically sick.  The truth is I wish I could have looked you in the eyes and told you that. A lot of people have that voice inside their head – the one that tells them they are ugly or worthless or failing. The one that sticks the knife in and twists at all their insecurities… but mine speaks with your voice and there are days when I hate you for that.

I’m bitter, I can be paranoid and I sometimes feel like the whole world is going to let me down just the way you did. I used to wonder what I’d done wrong… what it was that is so awful about me. I used to think I deserved it. If you knew this is what your “few drinks” were doing to me, would it have made a difference?  I ask myself that a lot and to be honest is I’m not sure it would.

Yet still I love you. I really do.  I used to want to hurt you the way you were destroying me, but over the last few years I believe karma may have done that for me… and now I truly hope that you’re at peace.  It’s not fair that you saddled me with the burden of memories of humiliation and pain to carry the rest of my life. It’s not FAIR, but I won’t give up, I will not give in and I will make myself strong enough. I’ll carry on… and I will shine. Just watch me.

I know why you carried pain most of your life. I understand now how much it must have crushed you to lose your parents when you were barely a man. What was it?  Did I remind you of her? Did it hurt you every time you looked at me? Were you trying to do anything just to make that pain go away? Because I know what that’s like… thanks to you. I think I feel it too….

I miss you. I miss the father you should have been. I think of all the days you’ve missed, all the milestones. I dreamed of hugging you on my graduation. I would have been proud to be on that man’s arm on my wedding day. Most of all, I wanted your arms so much the day that parenthood seemed to have been taken away from me. I could have screamed for you. The smiles and the hugs of my infancy are still some of the best I’ve ever had and though you left me with this jumble of emotions to figure out on my own… a hole in my heart I’ve had for years that only now I’m allowed to grieve for. I cry for that man. I long for that man. I’m helpless as the eight year old child you left behind.

I love you. I was made that way, I love you: strong, stubborn, funny, flawed and tragic …

I am a lot like you, but my life will not end as a tragedy. I will triumph in my own special way. I know this because I’m sorry, but I AM stronger than you. I take stubborn to a whole new level.  Nobody could ever hurt me the way you did and look: I’m still here I bet in a twisted way you’re proud..

But most of all I know this because I will carry the burden of your most awful mistake for the rest of my life and still if I had been there that morning you know that I would have held you so tight. I would have looked into those eyes if I could… caressed your gray hair and kissed that wrinkled cheek.  I would have whispered in your ear as you drifted away. Don’t be afraid. I still love you daddy… I forgive you, though its so hard to forget.

All my love

Your Amazing Daughter, Your poppet,

Ali xX

A day to catch my breath.

10 minutes or so after handing in my work at college, I was in a changing room of a local clothing store trying on 2 dresses 3 tops and some pajama’s in a frantic hurry so that I could catch up with KM who had walked out to go and buy a boating magazine as soon as my “I just want to see if they have some lightweight summer trousers” turned into Ali with an arm full of bright fabric garments, none of which were trouser shaped, headed towards the fitting room. Ooopp! I have my arm through the strap of this long dress and my head still lost somewhere inside…. when the familiar vibration sounds. I fight for my freedom, my head coming out of the top of the polka dot wonder… it’s my mother “phone me“… Sigh… wait… its 2 in the afternoon… what’s that all about? Last time my mum called me at such an unusual time it was to tell me about Dad. Sheeks. I can’t breathe partly due to the panic that something is dreadfully wrong AGAIN, partly because I know KM is still waiting but mostly due to the UK’s major lack of air conditioning and my hormonal inadequacies… I’m dying from the heat!

I call but not before I pay for my shopping… I mean what’s an extra 2 minutes? (here’s the bit where you all tell me to have a talk with myself about priorities… but I REALLY like that dress 😛 )  Everything was FINE. Pheeew… Mum also needed me to try on a dress that she’d been making for a friends wedding I’ll be going to in a few weeks. Sounds simple enough, except she lives near London a good 3-4 hours drive from me. She’s passing by on her way to Scotland tomorrow and wants to see me… well, actually she wants to take me with her for the whole of next week.

 There’s all these things my family needs me to do: collect my dad’s personal belongings, decide what should be done with his ashes, visit with my aunt  and visit my Grandparents who I still have not managed to see since I wrote this post last July… all of which are things I need to do that my mum has been holding off on talking to me about while I finish college. She asked me to call on the off chance I was done early (wasn’t due to finish till Monday) Nice timing mum! My head went into overdrive.  Now I have to pack, rearrange all my driving lessons next week despite my test date looming in the not too distant future, find a way to tell KM that we won’t be doing all those things I had promised we could do “as soon as I finish all this college work” this week .and AND when am I going to fill in all this paperwork I still have to do? PANIC.

I hung up the call just as I was approaching KM, sitting in the sun not too far from the store I had just come from, engrossed in an article about yachting. His face fell as soon as he saw me on the phone. Not sure whether it’s something to do with my demeanor or if KM just has a mega powerful mother-in-law radar, but he always knows when she’s on the phone… and he is miffed because he knows that I am always stressed and grumpy when I hang up.

We went for our planned celebration “yay you finished college” meal, which turned into a “thank you KM for doing all my spell checking and generally putting up with me / saving my ass the last two weeks” meal (I paid the bill lol)

I drank this cocktail sitting in the sun.

Then I had this one along with some wonderful Italian food.

Then I had a gorgeous cheesecake for dessert (and another one of those glasses of red happy juice pictured above… shhh)

I FELT MUCH BETTER!

Woooo Ali does this mean you are blogging on the move?  Nope! I didn’t get to Scotland today with my mother… and why?

Because when you’ve been up till 4 am doing college assignments most nights for over a week and then you add in the relief of  finishing, a good dose of sunshine and 3 of those yummy yummy vodka based beverages… there comes a point when your body just says  ENOUGH I’M EXAUSTED!  For me, it was Friday evening when we got home. I crashed out and slept for 5 hours without moving once! When I woke up, I barely had enough energy to call my mother and tell her if she needed me in Scotland I’d have to join her on Monday. So that’s what I’m doing.

I admit I spent the majority of the day in bed trying and failing to catch up on sleep, apart from my driving lesson which did NOT go well. Don’t drive tired people!

Tomorrow I will attempt to get all of my forms filled in so they can be mailed on Monday or as soon as I get back from Scotland … because I have to send my passport off  with these applications and I can’t plan or book my US vacation until I get it back (no idea how long that takes). I have baseball tickets to see my Yankees in Chicago at the end of August. Pleeease do not let me miss those games.  I’ll cry… lots.

Hopefully I’ll sleep tonight

Ali xX

School’s out !

I sit here writing next to a pile of completed college assignments which are all done dusted and ready to hand in tomorrow … school’s out for summer!  woot wooot 😀  I swear I can almost here the Hallelujah Chorus looking at the 6 Assignments I’ve completed in the last week. YES 6! I literally got buried under a pile of biology topics as my tutor realized exactly how much she hadn’t covered that we still needed to be assessed on … We were left on our own at the end there… pretty much… except that every time I would go to school I would get handed yet another task to add to my heaving to do list. You get kinda sick of that after a while.  I burnt my fingertips last Monday on a Bunsen burner flame as I was attempting to grow an E-coli culture. Yeah, I know… stupid right? They stung like a bitch! lol Proud of myself for  A) not dropping the  E-coli bacteria all over the floor B) keeping my language family friendly (BIG achievement for me in these circumstances) and C) completing my assignment experiment despite my war wounds. Someone tell me when I’m a midwife someone else will deal with the microbiology ‘cause its clearly not my strong point.

Such a great feeling… except I don’t think it’s sunk in yet. I keep looking around at my books and notes wondering what I’m missing. I can’t quite relax yet as I keep feeling I should be working!  Now just to cross fingers and hope the results are good when they come out on July 1st…

So now what? Welllll… I have a ton and I mean big hayoooge piles of paperwork to complete to ensure that I can start university in September and that when I do I won’t be flat broke.  It seems the NHS wants to know my life story and needs copies of every piece of documentation I own. YIKES!  I’ll be working on that then.

Especially as my doctor doesn’t seem to have any health records for me so I’ll probably have to take all my vaccinations over again. I so love my arm being used as a pin cushion, don’t you?

Learning to drive continues … my instructor and I are now bickering as if we were family and my test is booked (ohhhh lordy). Nope, I’m not telling when it is … ‘cause you know PRESSURE! I’m seeing whole new areas of the world around me on my driving lessons… places I’ve never been to in three years I’ve lived here simply because my world is currently restricted to  well operated bus routes.. KM is already talking about all the things we can do “when you get your car Ali…”

Ohhh, one last  thing…  remember last year I did the 5km Race For Life to raise money for Cancer research UK? mmmhum I knew you would … I didn’t think I’d be around to take part this year but it turns out I’m freeeee! So, I’ll be taking part again on the 27th of June at Aintree Racecourse made famous as the home of the Grand National.

There are two reasons you should care so pay attention for a min ok?

1) Cancer sucks.  It’s awful. Really. Most of us know someone who’s fought that terrifying battle. More and more people are surviving, thank God, but still too many amazing fighters are not so lucky. It needs to END… like now… yesterday. I know it’s not much, me walking a measly 5km to raise a little cash which, lets face it, will be a drop in the ocean of what’s needed, BUT we will only get to a cure for cancer one step at a time. It all adds up. So I would humbly ask that you consider doing something. Sponsor me here if you feel so inclined, take part in an event of your own… make a donation… badger your mates to make one… whatever.

2) You might have seen from last year’s pictures that all the walkers wear these pink panels on their backs where we chose something to write about why we are walking … last year mine included dedications to BeautifulMess’s mom , In Due Time’s Aunt K and Geek By Marriage’s uncles among others. So, dear friends, if you have someone you would like me to walk in honor of or a dedication you want me to make please leave a comment and I’ll be sure to include them. Thanks!

Ohh and after all these are taken care of… I’m going to America!!  Ohhh summer… how I love thee 😀

Hugs and kisses

Ali xX

My E-coli Creation 😛