Can I have a word …. with my Daddy.

 Dear Dad,

                          Happy Fathers Day. I’ve been thinking of you a lot these past two weeks, seen as everywhere has been plastered with well wishes for fathers and suggestions of gifts I’m supposed to buy you to put a smile on your face :S  The only thing of any use to you now is a promise that I still love you and I’m trying hard to remember and hold on to the good times… trying to hold onto your face, your smile, your laugh… and the promise made to a very young girl that everything would be ok in the end.

It’s hard.  It’s so hard and the few pleasant memories I have feel as if they are fading away.  I’m trying to move on. I want to forgive.  Really. I need to let go of this burden I’ve carried for over ten years now. I wish you were here to show me how.  I’d say Father’s Day is killing me this year, but you know this day has been pulling at the cracks you left in my heart for years ever since the mind of the man I knew completely left his body, since you turned your head away from me in disgust. I knew then that you had left in spirit even if your body was still here to offer me some false hope. I couldn’t bring myself to see you after that moment. I couldn’t cope and for that I am sorry.  I shed so many tears over the years I felt I had no strength left. I fought so hard to hold onto myself and still be loyal to you. I tore myself apart trying to reach you.  I failed.

I want to be the bigger person, but the truth is dad, I’m still mad. I have no idea how anybody could look into their own child’s eyes and do what you did to me and when I see all the people out there despair hoping for children to care for… when I watch a new father look into his baby’s eyes I do everything to shut you out because the thought of what you did makes me physically sick.  The truth is I wish I could have looked you in the eyes and told you that. A lot of people have that voice inside their head – the one that tells them they are ugly or worthless or failing. The one that sticks the knife in and twists at all their insecurities… but mine speaks with your voice and there are days when I hate you for that.

I’m bitter, I can be paranoid and I sometimes feel like the whole world is going to let me down just the way you did. I used to wonder what I’d done wrong… what it was that is so awful about me. I used to think I deserved it. If you knew this is what your “few drinks” were doing to me, would it have made a difference?  I ask myself that a lot and to be honest is I’m not sure it would.

Yet still I love you. I really do.  I used to want to hurt you the way you were destroying me, but over the last few years I believe karma may have done that for me… and now I truly hope that you’re at peace.  It’s not fair that you saddled me with the burden of memories of humiliation and pain to carry the rest of my life. It’s not FAIR, but I won’t give up, I will not give in and I will make myself strong enough. I’ll carry on… and I will shine. Just watch me.

I know why you carried pain most of your life. I understand now how much it must have crushed you to lose your parents when you were barely a man. What was it?  Did I remind you of her? Did it hurt you every time you looked at me? Were you trying to do anything just to make that pain go away? Because I know what that’s like… thanks to you. I think I feel it too….

I miss you. I miss the father you should have been. I think of all the days you’ve missed, all the milestones. I dreamed of hugging you on my graduation. I would have been proud to be on that man’s arm on my wedding day. Most of all, I wanted your arms so much the day that parenthood seemed to have been taken away from me. I could have screamed for you. The smiles and the hugs of my infancy are still some of the best I’ve ever had and though you left me with this jumble of emotions to figure out on my own… a hole in my heart I’ve had for years that only now I’m allowed to grieve for. I cry for that man. I long for that man. I’m helpless as the eight year old child you left behind.

I love you. I was made that way, I love you: strong, stubborn, funny, flawed and tragic …

I am a lot like you, but my life will not end as a tragedy. I will triumph in my own special way. I know this because I’m sorry, but I AM stronger than you. I take stubborn to a whole new level.  Nobody could ever hurt me the way you did and look: I’m still here I bet in a twisted way you’re proud..

But most of all I know this because I will carry the burden of your most awful mistake for the rest of my life and still if I had been there that morning you know that I would have held you so tight. I would have looked into those eyes if I could… caressed your gray hair and kissed that wrinkled cheek.  I would have whispered in your ear as you drifted away. Don’t be afraid. I still love you daddy… I forgive you, though its so hard to forget.

All my love

Your Amazing Daughter, Your poppet,

Ali xX

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